MinDonner Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 If there turns out to be a Wizard's Rule about pitying the fools, my year will be complete. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Exa Inova Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Update on Glossary of characters:Magda: First confessor (to be?)Alric Rahl: Dictator for life, inventor of the only protection against dreamwalkers which he doesnt share (communist!) but you can buy for eternal submissionBaraccus (Dead hubby): The great war wizard, First Wizard, slick gear wearerWife of first Wizard: nameless at this point? Will probably get raped to the max before killed (and probably raped again for good measure)Lothain; Evil do-er for Evuls sake, hater of life, (probably first lemming?)Sliph: the first whore...people we still need to meet:- Kolo, author of the diary which Dick will find 3000 year later still intact- First dream walker... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaxom 1974 Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Update on Glossary of characters:Magda: First confessor (to be?)Wife of first Wizard: nameless at this point? Will probably get raped to the max before killed (and probably raped again for good measure)...Aren't these two one in the same? Or did I miss something in the re-cap? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Exa Inova Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Not sure what you're talking about.but anyway....The First Confessor: The Legend of Magda SearusChapter 1 - 17 We first meet Maggie as she's in conference with a scullery maid or somesuch who is trying to get her to grab a wizard for some help contacting her recently suicided husband. (...) We are then informed that dead hubby is of course the First Wizard and a Prophet and a War Wizard! We even get a mention of the war wizard outfit! He jumped off a cliff right after he got back from the Temple of the Winds! That's right, we get humble nobility, speeches, war wizards, and trips to the land of the dead in the first goddam chapter. YES.Aren't these two one in the same? Or did I miss something in the re-cap?Because of the part above I assumed that the maids hubby died and not Magda's. Maybe the Chief Scribe can clearify. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tormund Ukrainesbane Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Magda's husband died. The maid was trying to help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WrathOfTinyKittens Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 The Yeard has thoughtfully given us a new fantasy trope - instead of "a wizard did it" to describe something difficult to explain, we'll simply assume "A Rahl did it" to describe any and every significant or good historical act. Only protection against Dreamwalkers? Rahl did itTemple of the Winds? Rahl did itWho built the Wall? A Rahl did it Who bombed Pearl Harbor / destroyed Hiroshima (depending on your point of view)? A Rahl did itI suspect that Merrit is some kind of secret Rahl. Also, I wouldn't be surprised if he turns out to be Zedd's ancestor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myshkin Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 Dead Hubby was Baraccus or Baracus, which may explain the gold-fetish in his outfit.the author was called Kolo (short for koloblicin, which is "strong advisor" in High D'Haran), but we don't actually know his name.I wonder where Merrit will fit into all of this. IIRC, he was supposed to be Magda's wizard. I mean, it says so on the ceiling of the Confessor's palace.Hmm, you seem to be suspiciously well versed in the minutiae of the Tairyverse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goodomens Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Hmm, you seem to be suspiciously well versed in the minutiae of the Tairyverse.*licks chocolate popsicle* ...Eh. GET HIM! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tormund Ukrainesbane Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 The First Confessor: The Legend of Magda Searuschapter 18-43Holy exposition Batman! Tairy badly, badly needs an editor. This section is about 300 pages and covers literally 20 minutes or so of time in the book. I hope you all appreciate the sacrifices I'm making for you because this was a rambling, incoherent mess.We start with Maggie walking with her scullery maid finally going to see the "spiritist' who will help her talk to her dead husband. She of course feeds the cats and the birds as she walks from one end of the castle to the other, a journey which takes 20 fucking pages. Seriously I think it took less time to get from Lorien to Rauros in the Fellowship of the Ring and they had to take fucking boats and camp out and shit. En route we get to hear about Merritt for the first time. Turns out he's in trouble for abandoning some project of the other, and thus the incompetents that replaced him got killed. This is apparently his fault. They're walking past his old workshop where apparently they're trying to make some kind of sword, but it explodes and kills some guy. Maggie gets dropped off at the catacombs and has to walk through a maze and convince the spiritist to help her out. And thus we enter Geoffrey Chaucer territory.THE SPIRITISTS TALEThis takes fucking forever. You all owe me more beer cause I drank a lot of it getting through this shit. Basically the lady was a normal sorceress but her town was invaded by the Old World's evil general who tortured everyone to death and took their bodies. She went to see a spiritist because her boyfriend died and she wanted to talk to him. He was good and dead but everyone whose body got stole wasn't in ye old afterlife (gotta say Tairy, the psycho and theological implications of a world with a proven afterlife that you can go visit like any time are thoroughly underexplored. Everyone just seems to think its no big deal). Thus she decides to become a spiritist and goes to see the wizards once she is one but they don't listen to her when she tries to tell them how important it is. There. I just saved you fuckers two hundred pages. God damnit.She decides to go see our good wizard Merritt on account of he's a special wizard called a maker. Maggie interjects into this recollection to point out that her husband was also, of course, a maker (in addition to being first wizard/prophet/war wizard/neo/the goddam batman). We are treated to several dozen pages of waxing poetic about how makers are the war artists of the wizarding world and how it's oh so special and they have a different way of seeing the world. The book gives you a couple pages intermission at this point so you can clean all the stains that Goodkind clearly wanked all over himself writing this part. Yes Tairy, you are so uber fuckin special. Gold star buddy. We get it. Anyways, spiritists can see into the afterlife but the lady wants to find ghosts in the land of the living so she convinces Merritt to blind her and make her see ghosts. He builds her a maze at the bottom of the keep that will bring all the dead to her, and thus we're finally caught back up to the present. Thus concludes the spiritsists tale.So we're caught up to the present but just before we can get to the fucking point of why Maggie came down there in the first place, a fucking zombie comes in and kills the lady, chases Maggie all over the maze, and just when it's all over she is saved by Felix ex Machina. One of the cats and one of the birds she fed followed her down there and attack the guy helping her to get away. No one can find the zombie afterwords, so she is of course again accused of treason etc. They can't make anything stick of course so they give her a political post. Seriously, she's been accused of treason like 5 times and they're appointing her to high office. She's got Kahlan's old job of representing all the little people of the kingdom.Oh yeah, somewhere in there Al Rahl went back to D'Hara.And no joke, I have read entire (better) novels that fit in the space this section occupied. Thus the perils of one of the worlds mightiest egos self-publishing a novel. I'm going to get well and truly drunk now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Datepalm Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 A cat and a bird? What? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Antonius Pius Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 I suspect that Merrit is some kind of secret Rahl. Also, I wouldn't be surprised if he turns out to be Zedd's ancestor.Merrit Zu'l Zorander doesn't quite have the ring to it that ZZZ has, though.Hmm, you seem to be suspiciously well versed in the minutiae of the Tairyverse."Taste death, live life" is the motto of those who attempt to consort with Lemmings whilst still longing for Yeardly teachings.Can such desecration be tolerated?I might even have fed the yeard. This is bad, no? Seriously though, one cannot rise up and live one's life and pretend to be a death-chooser. That would be like losing a lot of weight and then wearing a fat-suit.Not that I would know anything about rising up and living one's life, of course!A cat and a bird? What?Seriously, wtf?Also, again with the spirits? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myshkin Posted July 4, 2012 Author Share Posted July 4, 2012 So where does this now place cats and birds on the hierarchy of nobility? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alytha Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 They should be at least as noble as goats. Or even more so.What kind of bird was it, though? A sparrow or a condor? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Antonius Pius Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 But were the bird and cat inherently noble, or simply by accident? Because the goat had a nobility to it all it's own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goodomens Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 We start with Maggie walking with her scullery maid finally going to see the "spiritist' who will help her talk to her dead husband. She of course feeds the cats and the birds as she walks from one end of the castle to the other, a journey which takes 20 fucking pages.20 ebook pages is like 2 printed pages, right? *busts out the slide rule and penix* Yes, yes it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Exa Inova Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 When it comes to animal nobility I guess its like the Bremen Town Musicians where one animal stands on the back of the other. With Gratch as the one who lurrggh riaarchg at the botom, the goat on top of that, followed by the cat and bird. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinDonner Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Cats would seem full of the spirit of nobility, given that they are egotistical fuckers who care about no-one but themselves. And birds have, I dunno, extra FREEDOM I guess? Clearly Maggie's suspiciously altruistic feeding of these creatures was actually in the form of a financial transaction for their services; equilibrium has been restored. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foreverlad Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Are we absolutely certain the cat and bird were, in fact, a cat and bird? I hate measuring nobility in creatures that may turn out to be creatures that are not creatures. Sorry, I had a bad experience with some poultry once. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Antonius Pius Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Poultry that wasn't poultry? I hope the it wasn't evil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alytha Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Indeed, can the noble bird be kin to the evil incarnate chicken?Which kinds of birds are noble or evil? Is a chicken evil even if it doesn't have salmonella? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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