Crackpot (or not) theories you think are so nuts, they actually piss you off.

[Jape]

Didn't know that. I've haven't read most of GRRM's interviews.

[Glyn Tarvoke]

First, I wouldn't say pissed off exactly, but the theory that the COTF are actually evil and trying to destroy mankind and life as all know it, that one I don't see how people come up with. (Though my theory is they are the RWers sold on the propaganda that enviros are actually harming the environment and other similar stories and are just projecting their beliefs onto this series. I have met many who believe that revising the US public health care system was actually a conspiracy to send people to death camps).

Along those lines, the theory that the COTF killed Jojen and turned him into paste which Bran ate. The last one's possible but I doubt it. I just thought Jojen was too weak and was going to die young, as Bryden the three eyed crow explained to Bran that COTF with the greendreams gift usually did. As with Syrio's death, GRMM is staying true to the POV narrative and GRMM's careful decision to leave some things unclear for the reader to figure out. I hoped Syrio would live but, well, characters actually die in these books.

Second, the idea that the glamor hides various people all over the place. Some of those theories are pretty wild.

[Whatever]

Second, the idea that the glamor hides various people all over the place. Some of those theories are pretty wild.

Like that Melisandre is Lyanna, trying to seduce her son? :D

[Lord Toblerone]

I completely disagree with this. If so, what lie does Dany have to slay? Why would Varys have caused tension between Aerys and Rhaegar if he wanted a Targaryen on the throne anyway? How could he be sure that Aegon would become unrecognisable? How did he find a replacement so quickly? And if his plan was to put Aegon on the throne years later, why did he insist that Aerys shouldn't open the gates to King's Landing?

I firmly believe that Varys's original plan was to use the war to sideline Aerys and push Rhaegar into taking the dominant political position.

Then the Trident happened.

So he came up with a new plan.

[Bourne]

I'm sure it's been said before, but the one that annoys the hell out of me is anything about the Lannister siblings not being Tywin and Joanna's. Out of all the crazy theory's it's the only one that would completely destroy three of the most important character arcs in the story. Especially if it was Tyrion.

In the same vein, I hate all the secret Targ theories, especially Tyrion as a Targ.

And I also hate all the theories people have about the Starks being cool.

[brashcandy]

I get really pissed off when I hear the theory that Victarion and Euron are just the kind of men Dany would LOVE. If there is a scumbag in her near vicinity she gets paired off with them. She would even be great friends with Roose and Ramsay when she comes North! Oh and the one that she doesn't deserve Jon Snow, because he's so pure and good, whilst she's used goods. :tantrum:

ETA: The other one is that Sansa isn't a Stark because she's lost her wolf. So silly.

[Howlin' Howland Reed]

I've been randomly checking this thread and thinking to myself "I don't think any suggested theory really pisses me off." But then I remembered the whole Bran-can-possibly-change-the-past theories... I don't have a problem with anyone who suggests this, but it would piss me off if they were true. Backwards time travel is a narrative quagmire of epic proportions. GRRM: Just don't!

[LadyoftheNorth72]

Okay, I will add mine now that I am awake again lol.

I know I am in the minority on this, but the ideas that the skull sent to Dorne belonged to a dwarf or a giant. I just don't see the Martells being that stupid.

I am also irritated by here's a Targ, there's a Targ, everywhere's a Targ Targ. Aren't there enough of them already to pretty much cover everything that has been prophecied or speculated?

The idea that the story LF gave Sansa about how Joff died was the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Lancel will be the HS's champion against Strong. Isn't that a little like asking Larry Flynt to wrestle Hulk Hogan? The dude could barely walk on his own two feet last time we saw him. Now they are going to send him against some undead monster and cross their fingers that the gods believe Cersei is really, REALLY guilty?

[Greybeard]

Yet another Targ in the woodpile...

"Syrio's alive!!?" (best said in a "Brian Blessed in Flash Gordon" style)

The more complicated shell game bait'n'switch baby-swapping conspiracy theories...

And lastly, I don't get "shipping", I really don't... :devil:

[assjfjgjsgjljljglgjfjsduar]

Jeyne isn't jeyne and robb has a secret kid. Its just wish fulfillment.

I'm not convinced that the Jeyne that Catelyn meets and the Jeyne that Jaime meets are the same person and I think there's at least some circumstantial evidence for that. As to whether she's pregnant, who knows.

Oh, I forgot a big one: SYRIO IS ALIVE!! No, no he's not. He's dead. Deader than dead fucking dead. Unless he shows up on a unicorn in the last chapter of ADOS and screams, "Did you miss me?!!" in which case, all is forgiven.

Oh, and count me in the anti-incest camp. So no Jon/Dany, Jon/Sansa, Jon/Arya, etc.

[Whatever]

And I also hate all the theories people have about the Starks being cool.

What do you mean? :D

(The Starks ARE cool, BTW)

I get really pissed off when I hear the theory that Victarion and Euron are just the kind of men Dany would LOVE. If there is a scumbag in her near vicinity she gets paired off with them. She would even be great friends with Roose and Ramsay when she comes North! Oh and the one that she doesn't deserve Jon Snow, because he's so pure and good, whilst she's used goods. :tantrum:

Well, she does like dangerous looking douchebag. Although Victarion and Euron are too raw to her IMO. RE: Jon... well, I think Jon kinda could be her type, because he does look like a cold, dangerous person (via Mel's POV) cool (Sam's) and a jerk (Theon) but IMO Dany is not Jon's type because she's too much a lady. Anyway I love messed up relationship, so I'm perfectly fine with it (Although is not half as cool as Afterlife!Catelyn finding out about Jon and Sansa, which is my favorite crackpot ship :) )

I'm not convinced that the Jeyne that Catelyn meets and the Jeyne that Jaime meets are the same person and I think there's at least some circumstantial evidence for that. As to whether she's pregnant, who knows.

If she's pregnant, the lord of WF won't be a character we know and love, but a 2 months old baby who also happens to be son of Robb the Dull. I hope she's not pregnant

[Tyrionthebest]

Okay, I will add mine now that I am awake again lol.

I know I am in the minority on this, but the ideas that the skull sent to Dorne belonged to a dwarf or a giant. I just don't see the Martells being that stupid.

I am also irritated by here's a Targ, there's a Targ, everywhere's a Targ Targ. Aren't there enough of them already to pretty much cover everything that has been prophecied or speculated?

The idea that the story LF gave Sansa about how Joff died was the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Lancel will be the HS's champion against Strong. Isn't that a little like asking Larry Flynt to wrestle Hulk Hogan? The dude could barely walk on his own two feet last time we saw him. Now they are going to send him against some undead monster and cross their fingers that the gods believe Cersei is really, REALLY guilty?

I don't understand how the fuck can a dwarf's head be as big as Gregor's . I know that one had a deformed head but even so how can it be as big as a giant , it just doesn't make sense .

[Tyrionthebest]

As for the worst theories , well I would have to make a big list because there are a lot here, no offense . But I am gonna stick with that garbage thread about Allyria Dayne being the daughter of N&A and the one with Jon and Arya being a couple .

[Whatever]

I don't understand how the fuck can a dwarf's head be as big as Gregor's . I know that one had a deformed head but even so how can it be as big as a giant , it just doesn't make sense .

because it would be bigger than average. And clegane wasn't a giant, just an 8 feet tall man. It does make sense, maybe more sense than Robert Strong walking around without a head

[ZacharyB]

And when people say that it is a given that the Wall will fall. We do not know it. It is only a theory. The Wall has been standing for 8000 years now. Who can say it will necessarily collapse in the timespan of ASOIAF?

This! What's even more annoying is when it's followed by "and Jon with what remains of the Night's Watch has to move south and unite the North against Others, blah blah blah". If the 700 feet tall wall made of giant blocks of ice collapses there won't be anything left of the castles nearby and people living in them. Some of the people who were underground in the wormways at that moment might survive, but they would be buried under a layer of crushed ice and I highly doubt they could manage to dig themselves out.

If you look at the map in the books, the nearest castle is Karhold, which is more than 300 miles (don't feel like getting a ruler, but it's definitely a lot more than the length of the wall) away. I don't think they're going to get affected by the wall falling.

We know that The Others are somehow going to come South, that's a given. How are they going to get there? Either The Wall falls, or the wardings that prevent the Others from going through are SOMEHOW deactivated leaving a useless Wall in its place. And which is better for dramatic effect? A dramatic battle against the traitorous, untrue Night's Watch and Jon Snow's Wildlings causing the Wall to fall...or some event (possibly the battle too) causing the wards to break? I, for one, enjoy the latter.

By the way, is anyone reading through this thread and kind of cringing at the theories that you agree with that for some reason make people so furious? :lol:

[brashcandy]

Anyway I love messed up relationship, so I'm perfectly fine with it (Although is not half as cool as Afterlife!Catelyn finding out about Jon and Sansa, which is my favorite crackpot ship :) )

As much as I hate the Jon/Sansa ship, I would get behind it if it was just to see Uncat screaming in everlasting fury :lol:

[Whatever]

By the way, is anyone reading through this thread and kind of cringing at the theories that you agree with that for some reason make people so furious? :lol:

Yes. I'm trying to stop replying the same things every time somebody talks about how sick the ship theories are. I think I might write "Jon and his female relatives are fictional characters. And think how hilarious it would be" in my sign :)

As much as I hate the Jon/Sansa ship, I would get behind it if it was just to see Uncat screaming in everlasting fury :lol:

This is how I started u.u

[Sevumar]

These are the ones that annoy me:

Tyrion/Cersei/Jamie being secret Targs, as many others have said.

Quaithe = Shiera Seastar - We haven't seen Shiera in any of the D&E stories, it doesn't get us much, and she hasn't been built up like Bloodraven has. Plus I think the "secret identity" card is on the verge of being overplayed.

Dragons = Lightbringer - There's a whole part of the AA Reborn lore that deals specifically with dragons (waking them from stone), so it seems like the Lightbringer element of the prophecy would only make sense as something else, like a sword.

People trying to force the AA prophecy - Again, others have brought this one up. You can do smoke and salt for pretty much anyone, but Lightbringer, bleeding star, and waking dragons seem to get lost in the shuffle here.

[Nausicaä]

If you look at the map in the books, the nearest castle is Karhold, which is more than 300 miles (don't feel like getting a ruler, but it's definitely a lot more than the length of the wall) away. I don't think they're going to get affected by the wall falling.

I meant Castle Black, Queensgate, Eastwatch-by-the-Sea and other castles along the Wall. There should be no survivors from the Night's Watch if the Wall falls, besides those who were already south and away from it. That's why "the Wall falls, Jon gathers what's left of his men and goes south to warn of the Others coming" annoys me.

[howsockgothappy]

^{X will stab Y through the heart, forging Lightbringer, when X & Y have never met and have no emotional attachment to each other. Nissa is supposed to be the person AA loves the most, that's why the act is powerful enough to forge a magical fucking sword....}