The 'If ASoIaF Characters were sensible' thread (spoilers, naturally)

[Der Anarch]

Town Crier: The King is dead!

Cersei: Oh shot! Now we'll have to fight a war.

Ed: Bring it, Lion Women! My sons will fucking SLAUGHTER you!

Stannis: Thousands will die, but I will have my birthright.

Renly: Slow down brother, I'm cleverer and better looking, I want to be king.

Stannis: So I'll kill you too. Shame, but it's necessary.

Tywin: *Sigh* Time to plan more massacres.

Varys: And all this with the threat of Targaryan invasion growing. Oh the things I have to do for the "realm"....

Iron Born Tourist (with stereotypical Swedish accent): You know, in the Iron Islands we have a custom where instead of killing each other we have a big meeting and choose the best King from among ourselves. But then I suppose we are just uncoth barbarians who know little of your civilised ways...

*Everyone stares in wonder*

Iron Born Tourist: Was it something I said?

Later, at the King's Landing Kingsmoot

Chorus of voices: Renly! Renly King!

Cersei: Well I guess that settles it.

Ed: Yeah, lets all go home.

[Ibbison from Ibben]

aGoT

"I won't hurt him... much," Prince Joffrey told Arya, never taking his eyes off the butcher's boy.

"Nymeria, eat him!" Arya commanded.

"I bet he'll taste awful. Got any of that Dornish pepper sauce with a dash of snake venom in it? You do! Excellent! Lunch time!" Nymeria cried happily.

[Lions-and-Roses]

Robert: Ned, will you be my hand?

Eddard: No.

[Lions-and-Roses]

Littlefinger: Do not trust me, Eddard.

Eddard: Okay, I won't.

[Lions-and-Roses]

Tyrion: Why would I bet against my own brother?

Catelyn: Oh... Umm... Well I guess that makes complete sense. Oh God Tyrion I am so sorry. Please forgive me.

[Net-Viper X]

Ned: Perhaps I should wait until myself and my family are safely back behind the walls of Winterfel before I reveal the truth of Cersei's incest. Better yet, why don't I wait a few more months until winter is well on the way, then when the Lannisters march north they will get buried under 40 feet of snow before they have a chance to lay siege.

And Dany probably could have benefited from just a touch of her brothers madness. Then when someone mentioned Mereen and slavery and all that she would have just blown it off with impatience and drove straight for Westeros.

Dany: Mereen? Slaves? What the hell do I care about a city full of slaves and harpies, I WANT MY CROWN!!!

[calvinshobbes]

Stannis: Melisandre, you helped me slay my brother. Will you join me at King's Landing to remove the false king Joffery?

Melisandre: Yes.

Stannis: I am going to gather more troops from the Northman and attack Winterfell. It's freezing. Melisandre, you are good with fires, wanna come along?

Melisandre: Yes.

[Der Anarch]

Robert: Ned, will you be my hand?

Eddard: Yes, but only on the condition you grant me more lands, remove those I distrust from certain positions and replace them with my allies, give the North a tax cut and promise to help repair the Wall.

Robert: Damn it Ned! Since when did you know how to strike a hard bargain?

Eddard: My daughter Arya will supply you with a list of those I want removed tomorrow.

[LadyoftheNorth72]

Asha: Theon, I realize dad was a total ass, but that doesn't excuse making us all look like utter barbarians in front of the world. You are coming with me back to Deepwood Motte, and then back to Pyke, where we will put out word that you had an unfortunate incident on the bridges. You will then leave immediately for the Free Cities, assume a new identity, and pray fervently that you are never recognized.

Theon: I'd like to see you try it.

Asha: I brought fifty men with me.

Theon: Oh.

Two years later, on a sunny deck overlooking the Narrow Sea, Theon to two hot babes lounging beside him: So yeah, once I thought I wanted to live in this utterly ghastly climate up north and rule thousands of people who hated my guts and wanted to kill me on sight. Thank the gods, my sister knocked some sense into me. Hey, pass they Hippocras!

[Chise]

Theon: ok.. this Reek guy's stink is seriously ruining my owning of Winterfell. Bran, Rickon, you guys mind setting your wolves on him? Much obliged

___

alt take, still with Theon: well, hope my taking over shows you guys just how awful Winterfell's security is! Maester Luwin, help the boys redraw the guard plans, will ya? I'm leavin this popsicle stand and headin up North to take the Black

[assjfjgjsgjljljglgjfjsduar]

Robb: "I'm going to send Theon to the Iron Islands to treat with his father."

Catelyn: "That's a terrible idea!"

Robb: "You're right. Send someone else."

Robb: "I'm not crossing the river until I marry one of your daughters, Walder."

Dany: "You know, I think I will take that ship back to Pentos."

Robert: "Ned, be my Hand."

Ned: "Hell no."

Ned: "I think I'll tell Robert about Cersei's adultery now and not, you know, tell her I know about it. Maybe I can get him to send Tommen to the Wall and Myrcella to the Silent Sisters. He might kill Joffrey, but who cares? What an evil little shit."

[GhostofWinterfell]

Maegor's Keep -

John Connington: Listen, Aerys, we're bros, right? And you know I've been enjoying all the fireworks around here as much as you, but I kind of feel like if we don't stop burning people alive, eventually it's going to come back and bite us in the ass.

King Aerys: By god you may be on to something, Connington.

[Der Anarch]

Red Keep

Ned: I know the truth about you and Jamie.

Cersei: And you were kind enough to warn me personally? What a truly wonderful man you are! Who could ever want to hurt such a utter darling?

Bravos

Samwell: Who are you?

Ayra: Nobody.

Samwell: Don't fucking bullshit me, girl. I'm from the Nightwatch. I'm, like, Jon Snow's main man in the ravenry.

Ayra: OMG Jon is my brother!

[LadyoftheNorth72]

Walder Frey: The price of crossing here is marrying one of my daughters. And since our kingdoms' history and lore are rife with betrayals and jiltings, I will have to insist that the marriage take place before you cross. I am afraid I can't just cross my fingers that you won't meet someone hot along the trail, since this war could last several years. Also, I don't know if you've heard, but I am a rather prickly old man and very sensitive about my honor and have a hard time trusting people, so it would go completely against my nature to just take your word for it. Now, I would like to introduce you to my granddaughter, Roslin ...

Robb: Wow. Your granddaughter is HAWT. Um, err.. I mean, charmed to meet you, my lady. You have great hips.

Roslin: Thank you, Your Grace. You're not half bad yourself.

:: Robb wins the freakin' war, Walder Frey turns into a saintly and kindly old man now that his family's honor and position is secured, and everyone from the North lives happily ever after ::

[Lord.Snow]

If Maester Cressen wanted Melisandre dead he should have just stabbed her and be done with it, none of this wishy-washy poisoning business......

Also dosent he know poisoning is for girls...

[The King in the South]

Will: Ser Waymar mayhaps we should turn back, tis getting rather cold and I hear dead things

Ser Waymar: Good thinking there lad

[Lord.Snow]

Ned: winter is actually coming !

A reliable scout from the nights watch swore on his vows that he saw white walkers in accordance with the legends of the long night and the history of my family it is again time to rally the north for war and survival.

Go with john to the wall tell him about his mother and let him take the black.

Leave rob in charge of winterfel.

Talk to benjen about the state of the wall and beyond.

Get some masters at the wall who can read to learn about REAL WINTER and the wall and stuff.

Treat with the king beyond the wall and rally an army of skin changers, giants, spear wives ect and unite the north in time for winter.

DON'T even bother with the south-

duh

[PrinceHenryris]

Joffrey (after repeatededly getting his ass beat by Robb): I demand LIVE STEEL!

See Rodrick: As you command Your Grace. Declare your challenge to all present that you challenge Robb to a duel with live steel to everyone present.

Robb: Let's do this!

Joffrey: By the Gods Old and New, I challenge Robb Stark to single combat within the hour - with LIVE STEEL!

(31 minutes later)

Robb Stark: A bloody sword is a beautiful thing.

[The Marquis de Leech]

ROBB STARK: Sorry, Jeyne, not staying for breakfast.

[DurararaFTW]

Prince Rhaegar: I am in love with Lyanna Stark, I know I have married Elia of Dorne for political reasons but I am in love with her and she is with me. I know she is betrothed to Robert of House Baratheon but she doesn't love him . . .she loves me and that is the truth Your Grace

Aerys II: I will kill, kill them all.

Prince Rhaegar: Father your time on the Iron Throne is done, the forces are here along with your Kingsguard to take you into exile.

Aerys II: What?? You wait . . wait . . wait . .

King Rhaegar: First step as king is to have Varys executed, he can not be trusted, he will bring chaos to the realm. Second to repeal my father's harsh reforms and third to give all kingdom representiave voices on the council so that we can know what needs to be met and also to aid the Night's Watch in recruiting, they are too low, send as many common born who want to leave their fuedal lands to be free from Serfdom and serve on the wall.

Robert: So Aerys is in exile, and Rhaegar is marrying Lyanna . . I will not have this .

Ned: Robert, she loves Rhaegar . .if she chooses to be his paramour then that is her choice, don't go to war and get millions killed for foolish pride and ego. There are other women Robert.

Robert: You don't understand Ned, I loved her, I love her, she's the only woman I have ever loved, she is the only woman I ever wanted,

Ned: She wants Rhaegar . . .let her go . . . he wants her . . . there are plenty of High Born Ladies out there Robert.

Robert: I'm leaving Ned, I can't live in Westeros day in and day out knowing the woman I love would rather be a whore of a King than my true born lady. I'm heading around this planet and traveling in time I will learn to heal.

Ned: Good bye Robert, you are always welcome here at Winterfell . .

King Rhaegar: Viserys you are a jerk, and you act spoiled, and you constantly want people to kiss your feet, I am tired of you, to end all things I now send you to the Wall for the Night's Watch.

Viserys: I won't go

King Rhaegar: *slaps Viserys* you will go or you will join father in exile .. you will never be a good King, you will never lead men,you are a fool . .

Princess Dany: I agree, good bye brother . ..

Viserys: I can't .. I'm outta here . the Wall here I come . .

King Rhaegar: Dany, if anything happens to me I name you Protector of the Realm . . you will reign in righteousness and truth . . my fair sister.

Princess Dany: I will ..thank you Your Grace . .Brother!!

Balon Greyjoy: You know . .. the realm is stronger under Rhaegar . .. should I rebel??? Nah . .I would get crushed worse than last time.

Strong Belwas: What am I going to do? I am done fighting in the death pits of Mereen . . and no one has need of me . .. I guess I will travel the world . . planting apple trees. Strong Belwas like apples . .

Khal Drogo: I take bride of Dothraki woman . . good daughter of Khal Ohiugo . . make sure when we sack the Lamb Men to kill everyone after we take pleasure . . I had a bad dream about dying from an infection by a witch treating the ailment.

And then Brandon Stark actually does kill Rhaegar, as he intended.