Barbarian snark DOOMSDAY WARRIOR: American Glory!

[Antonius Pius]

No, the western genre was very popular in the USSR. (both actual westerns and "easterns", set in Siberia/The Caucasus) Mostly it was a movie thing from what I can tell though.

I had no idea. Sounds like a challenge...

This, then is THE WIZARD OF LEMURIA - for extra bonus confusion, this turns out to be actually the very first Thongor story...

A lemur is a kind of monkey, right?

But Malkh will take no such thing from a "dog of a northlander bitch!"

Isn't a bitch generally a dog?

We should set up a betting pool on how many times Thongor gets knocked unconscious in 125 pages. My money is on 3.

Good thinking. I'm betting 2. 4 would be too ridiculous, surely?

[Jon AS]

A lemur is a kind of monkey, right?

And a continent. The "In popular culture" section even mentions our very own Thongor!

Isn't a bitch generally a dog?

My first interpretation was that he was insulting both Thongor and his mother, calling one a dog and the other a bitch, but closer examination of the sentence doesn't seem to bear that out.

[Antonius Pius]

And a continent. The "In popular culture" section even mentions our very own Thongor!

I had no idea there was a theory of Lemuria.

BTW, have you seen Carter's bibliography? Zarkon, Lord of the Unknown, Zanthodon, The Chronicles of Kylix, Gondwane... Lin Carter was on a roll there.

My first interpretation was that he was insulting both Thongor and his mother, calling one a dog and the other a bitch, but closer examination of the sentence doesn't seem to bear that out.

Indeed, the noble Malkh (or the eminent Carter) is messing up his curses. Either call Thongor a dog, or call his mother a bitch, northerlander or not (how crude), but choose, dammit!

[MinDonner]

Thongor awakens, shackled to a wet stone wall, much to his surprise. If they were planning to kill him, why hadn't they just done so while he was unconscious? And already the unsophisticated barbarian of the northlands proves himself a sharper thinker than our Mr Rockson, who never bothered to wonder any such thing (not to mention asking himself why they repeatedly also put his naked girlfriend in convenient fucking distance every time as well).

He tries the chains, but they are too strong to break - he reckons that they are probably saving him for a more terrible fate, such as being chained to the oars of a war-galley or being fed to the vampirous slith-flowers in the Sark's private garden.

Then he simply shrugged, with the fatalistic philosophy of the North that wastes no time worrying over what cannot be helped.

Badass. Or, it would be badass if he didn't immediately start grumbling about how he was missing his dinner. Right now he should be quaffing sour ale and scoffing roast bouphar-haunch with Ald Turmis! Goddamnit!

He starts making a fuss until the guard comes over to see what the trouble is, though he doesn't seem too friendly:

"Aye, Northlander, they'll reward you all right - by feeding your heart to the slith! Know you not that the Daotar of the Guards, noble Barand Thon, is the oldest friend of the father of the man you slew? Aye! We'll watch you wriggling while the vampire-flowers devour your flesh - that will be your reward!"

"That may be as it will," Thongor grunted. "But it does not change the fact that I am hungry. Before they feed me to the slith, at least feed me!"

For some reason, the jailer who was quite happy at the prospect of Thongor's imminent and painful demise just seconds earlier, is now kind enough to fetch some cheap wine and a meat stew, which our man gulps down gratefully. Now that his belly is full, his brain will apparently work well enough to hatch an escape plan!

He considers a plan or two, finally deciding to grab a length of his chain to use as a weapon and knock the jailor out when he comes to collect the plates. Swift, light footsteps approach... the clank of a key in the lock... the dark figure comes near...

...it's Ald Turmis! Luckily Thongor is no Karm Karvus, and has the wit and restraint not to accidentally brain his best friend... though I seem to recall an almost identical scene from the first Thongor book, so maybe T's just had a lot more chance to practice.

"How'd you get the key?" he asked, as Ald Turmis bent to unlock his chains.

The Thurdan grinned. "The jailor, in his present state, had no use for them, so I brought them along."

"I hope you didn't have to slay him. He fed me well."

His friend laughed. "Just like a barbarian Northlander - always thinking with your gut! No, fear not, the fellow is merely enjoying a little nap."

Thongor flexes his mighty limbs in gladness to be free, because he's so wild and barbaric that he hates being chained up. Unlike these soft southern jessies, presumably. Then he and Ald Turmis get out of the jail entirely unchallenged; Ald recommends that he steal a zamph from the prison stables, bids him farewell then goes to resume his duties of, er, being a guard.

Worst. Guard. Ever. (he also gave Thongor his sword back and a cloak for disguise).

And off Thongor goes, melting into the thick purple shadows.

[Maithanet]

Then he and Ald Turmis get out of the jail entirely unchallenged; Ald recommends that he steal a zamph from the prison stables, bids him farewell then goes to resume his duties of, er, being a guard.

Worst. Guard. Ever. (he also gave Thongor his sword back and a cloak for disguise).

And off Thongor goes, melting into the thick purple shadows.

Wait, does Ald actually work in this jail? I had assumed he was just disguised as a guard for the rescue attempt. That is an...odd changeup.

Also, on a more macro level, the number of times that the nearly invincible heroes of these stories need to be rescued by their sidekicks is pretty unimpressive. I thought Batman was always saving Robin, not the other way around. It seems like Thongor and Rockson get rescued at least once a book, usually without it seeming like a big deal.

On the plus side, nice that Thongor was looking out for the generous jailor. Really highlights what a creep Rockson was.

[MinDonner]

I believe both Ald and Thongor were working as Generic Guards at the book's opening, though probably not specific prison-guards. Thongor just in a mercenary temp-job capacity, but Ald was a local boy on a career track, as he was still busy doing his version of "guarding" (ie. rescuing Thongor again) in the next book. Man on the inside, very convenient!

[MinDonner]

Chapter 2: Black Wings over Chush

Thongor has snuck his way to the stables, where a mere two guards stand between him and a zamph-ride the hell out of Dodge. They look bored and have their backs turned, so it should be the work of a single stroke to...

...damnit! Not so fast! We can't have an escape progress so easily! The metallic clang of an "alarm gong" sounds, as he is just steps away from killing the guards, and immediately other guards rush to the scene because they all know exactly where Thongor is going.

Thongor ground his teeth with a bitter Valkarthan oath. They could not see him here in the thick darkness of the alley, but how in the name of all the nineteen gods was he to get away? Desperately he cast his eyes from side to side - and then glanced up. A slim metal shape met his gaze, gleaming in the light of the roof-torches.

It's the floater! Our favourite prehistoric barbarian helicopter is quickly introduced in a paragraph especially heavy on the "ph"s and "th"s even by Carter's usual standards (Oolim Phon the alchemist had made it for Phal Thurid the Thark Sark of Thurdis, and now Thongor the Valkarthan will use it to escape from Thurdis cos it's even better than a zamph) - it's enough to make you think your brain has developed a lithp.

With a keen eye, Thongor meathureth the thitadel'th wall. It's made of huge stone blocks, but because he used to climb glaciers to hunt snow-apes, this should be a piethe of pith.

For Thongor, to conceive of a plan was to attempt it.

He ties his boots over his shoulder, tosses back his cloak and somehow ascends the wall using only his toes and fingertips, which are clearly as mightily-thewed as the rest of him. The ascent takes a page or so, with much production made of how one slip would mean instant death, and a false-alarm scare where a bit of cement comes loose and leaves him hanging by fingertips for a few seconds, etc etc.

Near the top, a couple of guards are chatting about how awesome it would be to capture the barbarian scum who is on the loose. One of them is named Thulan Htor. As soon as they turn their backs, Thongor leaps over the parapet for a surprise!

They whirled - to see a bronzed giant, naked save for leather clout and black cloak, standing atop the parapet, a longsword in his hand. Golden eyes blazed in a clean-shaven face, and a long, wild mane of black hair fell to the naked shoulders.

Paralyzed, they gasped at this phantom that had appeared out of thin air by some supernatural force. Thongor kicked one in the throat, knocking him sprawling. His longsword flashed out to open the other's throat from ear to ear. He sprang over their sprawled forms to the roof.

Rather than sheathing his sword, he clasps it in his teeth in order to climb the rope up to the flyer. Why the hell would you do that?? He must HAVE a scabbard, cos he was unimpeded by this sword while climbing the citadel walls. And it's explicitly stated to be a LONGsword also. Any implied "yay barbarian manly awesomeness!" is more than counteracted by the "WTF dumbass".

It takes our hero mere seconds to figure out the (admittedly pretty simple-looking) controls, and he flies over the walls of Thurdis with ease. Now it's time to look around. He finds a bunch of dried fish, some "medicinal salve" for his cut arm, and a massive crossbow that will probably turn out vital to the plot later. As he flies over the plains and jungles, we also get a bit of geographical infodump, notably regarding the city of Patanga, where the Yellow Druids had seized control from the young queen Sumia who was now imprisoned. Phal Thurid, apparently, wanted to marry Sumia and therefore gain control of Patanga "without battle", though it's entirely unexplained how the one would lead to the other. <_<

Thongor, in any case, has no interest in going to Patanga, so decides to get some sleep instead. And thus the chapter ends, with sight of neither Black Wings nor Chush. What the hell, chapter title?

[Datepalm]

Oolim Phon the alchemist had made it for Phal Thurid the

Thark

Sark of Thurdis, and now Thongor the Valkarthan will use it to escape from Thurdis cos it's even better than a zamph

I can't stop trying to say this.

[Sophelia]

because he used to climb glaciers to hunt snow-apes, this should be a piethe of pith.

:rofl:

Thanks for the laugh!

Enjoyed mightily your description of this chapter. *happy sigh*

[Vampire Squid]

Golden eyes blazed in a clean-shaven face

I don't remember this from previous descriptions - he has golden eyes? What, is he a member of the Fire Nation? Or does his claiming of the Flame Throne later on mean that this is the prehistory of Avatar: The Last Airbender? (Also, first post after the introduction thread - hi, board people!)

Oh, and

Oolim Phon the alchemist had made it for Phal Thurid the Thark Sark of Thurdis, and now Thongor the Valkarthan will use it to escape from Thurdis cos it's even better than a zamph

I don't think any more sentences need to be written in the English language.

[Antonius Pius]

As he flies over the plains and jungles, we also get a bit of geographical infodump, notably regarding the city of Patanga, where the Yellow Druids had seized control from the young queen Sumia who was now imprisoned. Phal Thurid, apparently, wanted to marry Sumia and therefore gain control of Patanga "without battle", though it's entirely unexplained how the one would lead to the other. <_<

Logic for the win.

Also, anybody else read Phal Thurid als Phallus Turd?

Thongor, in any case, has no interest in going to Patanga, so decides to get some sleep instead. And thus the chapter ends, with sight of neither Black Wings nor Chush. What the hell, chapter title?

It seems Lin Carter is still on his game.

I don't remember this from previous descriptions - he has golden eyes? What, is he a member of the Fire Nation? Or does his claiming of the Flame Throne later on mean that this is the prehistory of Avatar: The Last Airbender?

Somehow I doubt that... Also, he has a clean-shaven face after a night and day in prison. Impressive.

(Also, first post after the introduction thread - hi, board people!)

Welcome on board!

I don't think any more sentences need to be written in the English language.

And yet, I think there just might be a few surprises up ahead...

[MinDonner]

Welcome, Vampire Squid! And I can assure you that Thongor's eyes have always been golden, as Mr Carter rarely misses an opportunity to remind us; we possibly hear about them even more often than the thews.

[Lord O' Bones]

Good god.

I will find a version of Mission: Earth this week.

Jesus christ.

[MinDonner]

Sweet. :D

I'm actually kinda missing having some bullshit ideology to mock at the same time as the ludicrous prose, storyline and descriptions. If someone can find any evidence that Lin Carter was trying to push some crazy religion or political propoganda via these tales of heroism I'll be overjoyed. Sadly, I think he was just mucking about.

[lacuna]

Bump, in hope of more barbarian'n'snark action.

[MinDonner]

Good god, has it been that long? I knew I'd been busy... apologies to all barbarian fans, I will get right back on this when I get home!

[Antonius Pius]

*pulls out the popcorn a roasted boar's leg*

[MinDonner]

So then. Chapter 3 - Attacked by the Lizard-Hawks!

Here, I suspect, is the chapter that Mr Carter was aiming to write under the title of "Black Wings Over Chush", but ran out of chapter-space before he quite got to the monsters. At least we know what's coming.

Thongor was awakened, we hear, by two things - first, SILENCE. And secondly, a HARSH SCREAM. I am truly baffled as to how he managed to be awakened by both of these things at once, especially as it happened "in an instant"; must be some special barbarian skill he has. Anyway, he leaps out of bed and dashes to the deck of the floater to see what's going on.

To his vast surprise (though not ours), he's still over the jungles of Chush. Yes, he failed to wind up the clockwork floater engine enough, it ran out of springs during the night, then the wind carried it over the jungle. Whoops. Nothing for it but to wind up the springs again and continue on his...

...oh yeah, and there's a terrible beast bearing down on him, which we had to temporarily forget about while he considered geography and mechanics.

Winging down at his floater out of the upper regions was a monstrous and fantastic flying thing. Its scaled and writhing body was fully the length of the floater, and its gigantic leathery wings spread bat-like fully forty feet from tip to tip. Above the body reared a head on a snaky neck - a head hideous almost beyond belief, with a monstrous hooked beak and cruel scarlet eyes beneath a blue crest of bristling spines. A long snake-like tail floated behind, tipped with a barb the shape of an arrowhead, and cruel-taloned bird-claws reached from beneath the creature's yellow belly.

The lizard-hawk is, apparently, the second-most deadly creature in Lemuria, rivalled only by the terrible dwark (guess Lin hadn't invented larths by this point). It nearly knocks Thongor off the floater, and only the grip of his iron hand saves him. Then the bird starts attacking the floater itself, and crumples the prow in its grip.

But! It's time for the giant war-bow, so handily foreshadowed in the previous chapter, to come into play! Thongor quickly tethers himself to the railing with a long bit of rope, and then shoots his first arrow at the lizard-hawk. Lizardhawk is injured and now MAD, and it swoops back down and knocks the floater upside down, but not before he has time to get one last shot in - this hits the bird in the throat, but now Thongor is knocked unconscious*, and furthermore is dangling from the end of his rope while the lizard-hawk perches on the upside-down floater. And of course he drops the bow.

I have no idea at all why he decided to just tether himself to the rail, rather than tying himself on properly, but I suppose at least this way the lizard-hawk can't eat him while it perches. But there are more dangers ahead! The bird's weight is making the floater drift down towards the jungle, where a deadly dwark is waiting!

Lower and lower sank the floater, born down by the massive weight of the lizard-hawk.

As it sank, Thongor's helpless body dangled nearer and nearer to the opening jaws of the dwark. Still sunned from his collision with the floater's hull, he was not even conscious of the approaching head of the monster.

The dwark's entire existence was one unending and continuous quest for food, to fill that huge belly. It was literally capable of eating all day long. More than two tons of meat were needed every twenty-four hours to drive the gigantic muscles in its two-hundred-foot-long body.

For half a page, Thongor drops tantalisingly nearer and nearer to the drooling dwark-mouth, blah blah... but then! Two more lizard-hawks appear in the sky, and the one sitting on the floater promptly expires, and falls dead in front of the dwark. Floater rises again, dwark eats dead bird...

...but now there are TWO lizard-hawks about to attack Thongor, he's lost his bow, and there's a dwark down below! :rofl:

Red murder blazes in the lizard-hawks' hideous eyes! That strange floating thing has somehow killed one of their kind! But, before they can attack, Thongor (who has only just climbed back on deck) crashes into a tree and is flung to the jungle floor, while the floater remains stuck between some branches. This appears to suffice as revenge for the hawks, and they fly off.

Now our hero is lost in the jungle, and he can't even see the sky to navigate because the trees are too thick. They are also two hundred feet tall, which does rather make one wonder how the hell he survived falling from the top of one, but no matter - anyway, he can't climb back up, because all the trees are covered with vampirous slith flowers, so he makes do with tramping along on foot and eating some convenient berries.

Thongor is not optimistic about his prospects. How can he escape from the poa? Or the zamadar? Or the gigantic flying spiders who don't deserve a ridiculous name?

Miscellaneous jungle unpleasantries follow over a page or so - he is covered by leeches, he sinks into a bog and only escapes by tying the rope to his sword, then flinging his sword so it sticks in a tree, then hauling himself out... :rofl: ...and after a while even his iron strength is exhausted, and he sits down on a bed of moss as the afternoon starts to end. But then! A distant tread of mighty feet! The dwark was stalking him!

*that's twice now? For those who are keeping track

[Bearbert Dondarrion]

What, No raptor gazes?

[Maithanet]

This Adventures of Thongor chapter was brought to you by the number Two.

Thongor was awakened, we hear, by two things

More than two tons of meat were needed

its two-hundred-foot-long body.

but now there are TWO lizard-hawks

They are also two hundred feet tall.

I'm surprised Lin Carter stopped there. After all, how many cruel scarlet eyes does a Lizard Hawk have? We'll never know!