Barbarian snark DOOMSDAY WARRIOR: American Glory!

[KAH]

Chapter 2: Black Wings over Chush

Thongor has snuck his way to the stables, where a mere two guards stand between him and a zamph-ride the hell out of Dodge. They look bored and have their backs turned, so it should be the work of a single stroke to...

...damnit! Not so fast! We can't have an escape progress so easily! The metallic clang of an "alarm gong" sounds, as he is just steps away from killing the guards, and immediately other guards rush to the scene because they all know exactly where Thongor is going.

It's the floater!

You know, I can't read "It's a floater" without picturing

...

[theMountainGoat]

And don't forget that the Lizard-Hawk is apparently the second most dangerous animal in Lemuria, with the most dangerous being the Dwark.

What rotten luck for our hero to meet the TWO most dangerous animals in the entire world right there together at the exact same moment, within the space of two paragraphs.

[jagilki]

Thongor was awakened, we hear, by two things

More than two tons of meat were needed

its two-hundred-foot-long body.

but now there are TWO lizard-hawks

They are also two hundred feet tall.

I completely read this in The Counts voice and added a "Bah Ha Ha" at the end of every line.

[MinDonner]

Chapter 4: Dream-Lotus and Wizardry

Thongor draws his mighty longsword... and proceeds to run away as fast as he can. Thus far, there's been no mention of him using the sword to hack his way through jungle undergrowth, and indeed he continues to not do so (he just plunges through the thorny vines shoulder-first, etc), so I can only assume the heroic gesture of "The longsword sang from its scabbard into Thongor's hand" was just to add a bit of manliness to his otherwise rather wussy flight.

Dwark gives chase, knocking over ancient trees as it charges - seems a rather inefficient method of hunting, and if it was doing this several times a day to meet its 2-ton meat quota, I'm surprised there's any jungle left. But Lin has no time for such considerations, cos our guy has immediately gotten himself into trouble yet again:

As Thongor halted, panting for breath, a soft weight fell over his arm and his senses swam. With horror he saw that he was in the grip of a slith. The swaying blossom had opened its soft petals like a yawning mouth, laying bare the triple rows of hollow fangs that could suck the blood from a bull bouphar in an hour.

The vampire flower emitted a narcotic cloud of perfume that rendered its victims insensible. Senses blurring, Thongor strove to peel the thick soft petals from his flesh. He felt a numbness spread up his arm as the slith sucked his hot blood. His knees gave way and he sank to the springy moss, his arm aloft in the fleshy jaws of a loathsome flower.

There'll be nothing left for the dwark to eat at this rate. Thongor must have levelled up a hell of a lot between this book and the next one, if he's about to get eaten by a flower.

Luckily, the arrival of the dwark spurs him into action, and he gathers the last vestiges of his strength and cuts the flower off its stalk. Then, still a bit groggy from the fumes, he starts hacking at the dwark as it tries to eat him.

He gets in two good strikes at the dwark's mouth, then it swings its head and knocks him sprawling. He's lost his sword! The dwark's dripping jaws open before him! The crimson maw gapes to gulp him down! Nothing else for it but...

...Wizard ex machina! Yes, a wizard appears from nowhere and sprays lotus-powder at the dwark, which makes it fall instantly asleep. This turns out to be Sharajsha, who we've heard about in passing a few times in the other Thongor books. I admit, I'm curious to see whether the Armlet of Plot Device (that entirely unforeshadowed "gift from Sharajsha" that Thongor used to make himself invisible in that vampire city) makes an appearance of any sort, but I'm probably giving Mr Carter FAR too much credit.

Sharajsha (the wizard of Lemuria!) has the appearance of Gandalf with extra bling - grey robes, grey beard, grey hair, short sword, and loads of rings, all of which have speshul runes on and whatnot. Thongor distrusts "the devilish arts of magic and warlockery", but he can't refuse Sharajsha's invitation to come back to his wizarding lair for a cuppa, so they board a nearby zamph and off they go.

The zamph, you may recall, is one of those triceratops-rhino creatures that are domesticated and used as riding animals. I'd forgotten this, I thought the zamphs were the quick 2-legged riding animal, but no, these are the plodding ones, I think the 2-legged ones were kroters or something. So it's extra puzzling that in Chapter 2, Thongor was planning to steal a zamph and ride off on it to escape, as such a creature is hardly built for speed. But, authorial fiat wins out again; this zamph "flashed through the jungle aisles" and brings them back to Sharajsha's underground abode in short order.

En route, Sharajsha explains that it wasn't just a happy coincidence that he turned up in the nick of time in the middle of an impenetrable jungle to save Thongor from the dwark - actually he'd seen it prophesied in his magic mirror. So that's all right then. His real interest is in the floater, but they can go and get that after they've had some supper.

Anyways, they enter the cavern by means of magic, then S continues his Gandalf impression by producing a pale blue light from his staff, and Thongor gets a look around the magician's den. As is the fashion for underground lairs, it follows the ever-popular "Bowser's Castle" design, with rock bridges over lava flows, occasional jets of flame, that sort of thing. In this case, a subtle Lemurian flavour is also provided with the addition of stalactites "as huge as the fangs of Baroumphar, the Father of All Dragons who devoured the moon in the ancient tale".

Thongor has a bath, aided by "invisible hands", then S serves a magnificent feast, including "fine wines of classic vintage". Ah, the 493,879 BC! That was a magnificent year. Thongor has quite the sophisticated palate for a savage Northman of Valkarth. But, there's nothing quite like a good feast to make him lose his distrust of wizardry, and especially after Sharajsha expresses admiration at his lizard-hawk-defeating antics, he decides that he quite likes the guy after all.

That night Thongor slept a deep and dreamless sleep, unaware that the inevitable march of his destiny had begun... unknowingly, his meeting with the Great Wizard of Lemuria had set his foot upon the first step of a long road that might lead him either to a throne and glory - or to black and terrible death.

[lacuna]

..."or to black and terrible death." Ooohh, now I'm quaking in my boots.

[Antonius Pius]

I wonder why the zamph wouldn't be considerd lunch by the every hungry dwarks. And if zamphs can lumber through the jungle, it can't be all that dense. Or am I overthinking this?

so I can only assume the heroic gesture of "The longsword sang from its scabbard into Thongor's hand" was just to add a bit of manliness to his otherwise rather wussy flight.

...

Thongor must have levelled up a hell of a lot between this book and the next one, if he's about to get eaten by a flower.

...

He's lost his sword!

...

Thongor has quite the sophisticated palate for a savage Northman of Valkarth.

Thongor must be the pussiest barbarian around, mighty thews or not.

[MinDonner]

Chapter 5 - Black Phantoms Out of Time

We're on p40, so about a third of the way through now, and it's clear that Lin has realised that it's time to get a move on with the plot. Where, in chapter 2, it took Thongor a good 2 pages just to climb up a wall, the task of locating and retrieving the floater from the treetops takes just two short paragraphs. They ride zamphs, find it easily, then pull it down with ropes. Bam! 8 lines. No more messing about with one manufactured peril after another!

They tow the battered machine back to S's cavern, and he gets to work doing some panel-beating and carpentry to get it back into shape, refusing Thongor's offer of help. I quite like this, as it shows that firstly Sharajsha is a practical hands-on wizard of many talents who doesn't just wave a wand and do magic; and also that Thongor is a great clumsy oaf who may be good with a sword but can't be trusted with tools of a less destructive nature.

While S gets busy, Thongor is left to have a wander around the wizard's house, which unsurprisingly contains pretty much every wizard's-lair cliché you could ever want.

Room #1: The library. Lined with "books of magical science", of all sizes, bound in various materials, written in a dozen tongues. Thongor takes a peek in one "bound in the thick fur of a green wolf", and is repelled by the weird hieroglyphs.

Room #2: The laboratory. Green bubbling things in flasks, spiral tubes of seething liquids, a skeleton, a brain in a jar, it's all here. Thongor wrinkles his nose and growls "Magic!" - guess we're back to "swords good, knowledge bad" again.

Room #3: Thongor's favourite, as it is full of weapons. He has a fun hour trying them all out - crooked dirks of the assassins of Dalakh, leaf-bladed knives of Darundabar, feather-crested spears of Vosashpa, giant war-axes of Yb, he has a go on all of em. Even though they're magical weapons with runes on and shit, I guess that's OK.

Then, it's time for dinner again. S asks Thongor what his plans are, and T is like "meh, dunno, anywhere that needs a swordsman really".

The Wizard observed him shrewdly.

"You are, then, indefinite? You have not committed yourself to the Sark of Kathool, or any other city?"

"No. I go where Father Gorm guides me."

"Very well then. Let me tell you a story... and perhaps I shall make you an offer of employment."

Yes. It is INFODUMP TIME. Thongor "tosses off his wine" (must have been an inferior vintage), and I shall save Sharajsha's story for a time when I have opportunity to do the same, cos this is gonna get pointlessly complicated...

[Maithanet]

Are there any other rooms? Or do wizards not need things like kitchens, beds, or outhouses. I suppose the jungle provides those things...

I also like that Thongor is not to be trusted with repairing things, I wouldn't trust him with anything more complicated than lifting a bookcase. AT least he didn't test out any of the magical weapons on the various irreplacable books of knowledge and lore.

[Vampire Squid]

Thongor must be the pussiest barbarian around, mighty thews or not.

You're missing the point - clearly this is a literary device demonstrating how the submission of his savage, untamed barbarian nature to the duties of law-enforcement, which merely coddles the soft, spineless city-dwellers who know not the harsh struggle against nature's dangers that is the highest and best state of humanity, has brought Thongor to such a low level. Fortunately he's gone back to tossing off his wine and scoffing at learning, which emphasises how Sharajsha's upcoming exposition session will set Thongor back on the true path of wild barbarian manhood*.

Truly these novels have many themes.

* i.e. settling down as ruler of the greatest civilised nation in the world, spending most of his time feasting and reminiscing about Dalendus Vool.

[MinDonner]

Much in the manner of Thongor before me, I have now tossed off some wine, and so now I feel better qualified to try to understand what the fuck Sharajsha is on about in this convoluted bit of backstory. Brace yourselves, and make sure you have a cloth handy, cos the phths are flowing free.

Once upon a time, in any case, the Dragon Kings ruled Lemuria, until Father Gorm created the First Man, Phondath. There followed a Thousand Year War, until the son of Thungarth slew the King Dragon at Grimstrand Phirth Firth.

The Dragon Kings were a "race of serpent-men" evolved from dinosaurs into man-like creatures with a cold and cruel intelligence, who then enslaved all the real dinosaurs and "practiced strange and hideous rites to dark gods best left unnamed". This gave them a super advantage in their war against the men (cos, dinosaur armies!), and the men got disheartened in their cities of Yb and Ith. Anyway, eventually Father Gorm had to intercede and gave Lord Thungarth a magic sword, and the last of the Dragon Kings got slaughtered, yay men, yadda yadda yadda. This inspires Thongor to burst into song!

But! The writer of epic songs did not know the whole tale! The Dragon Kings were all dead, yeah, but... not all the Dragon Wizards! They snuck away to sekrit castles and plotted vengeance in their cold and evil serpent-brains.

"...and still the Dragons hid, waiting for the moment of their revenge. That moment is very near. Like black phantoms from the age of myth, they live on yet, preserved by their curious sciences. And the hour of doom is coming down over Lemuria, doom not only for the lands of men, but for the very planet on which we dwell, and the Universe itself!"

Thongor likes the sound of this. Here was meat and drink for a man's fighting spirit! S goes on to explain how the Dragon Wizards are plotting to open the door to the Lords of Chaos who strive to re-enter the Universe, via the Portal to Beyond, in the Seven Thousand and Eighth year after the birth of Phondath, and that's just a few weeks away!

Luckily, S has found out where the Dragon Wizards have been hanging out (within the impenetrable mountain walls of Mordor the Inner Sea of Neol-Shendis in grim black citadels), and exactly what they need to defeat them - the same sword that Isildur the son of Thungarth used to defeat them last time. Which of course is broken. But S knows how to make a new one!

Thongor is well up for this. Here was an adventure to make all others pale! Why be a mercenary when he might be a hero! etc etc. And so commences the book's actual plot...

[Ouroboros]

It really is a shameless rip=off with that backstory.

[MinDonner]

Also note the suspicious similarity between the chapter titles "Black Phantoms out of Time" and "The Shadow of the Past"... <_<

[Lummel]

so now he has to get the broken sword fixed (super glue will come in handy) go to dragon wizard islands and kill the dragon wizards in about eighty pages or less. Should be easy with the floating, flying device! Should be easy so long as the air traffic controllers aren't on strike and Thongor doesn't pause to sniff the vampirous flowers.

[MinDonner]

Chapter 6: The Tower of Woman Headed Serpents

Gee, I wonder what's gonna happen in this one?

A week has passed, and now the fully-repaired floater is cruising above the jungles of Chush. Three thousand feet above them, to be precise - I'd wonder why they needed to fly so high, but blah lizard-hawks probably, or extendable dwark-necks or something. Though you can bet that Thongor hasn't bothered to put any more clothes on for the altitude.

The wizard has made a few improvements to the vehicle from Oolim Phon's original design, including some strange glass globe with an iron needle that miraculously points to the north! Good lord, we have an anti-grav machine and Lin's pretending that a damn compass is some crazy magic device? Also, perpetual motion, with springs that recharge each other as they unwind. Or something.

Sharajsha pores over a map, and points out their next destination - Tsargol! I think we may have been there before in one of the sequels. Anyway, in Tsargol they have a "star-stone" which fell out of the sky, and which was used to make the original magic sword, so they need to go and steal a chunk of it. It's kept in the Scarlet Tower, which is curiously unguarded, so they plan to just approach by night, climb down a rope, and pillage away. Let's hope there's nothing else in the tower, like oh, let's say, woman headed serpents?

Some geography, some unpronounceable names, then by nightfall they are on the outskirts of Tsargol and ready for some thievery (but all in a good cause!). S voices a rather redundant warning to look out for things that might not be guards, though Thongor remains sceptical - maybe the relic is protected by religious superstition alone! Nevertheless, if there are any guards, his steel shall feast on their guts.

Half a page of nail-biting rope-descent, as Thongor climbs down to the roof from the floater... dun dun dunnn! ...but he makes it! to everyone's surprise. Then, for further surprises, he notices strange slithering noises in the darkness. And green phosphorescent eyes! What could they be?? The suspense is killing me. Could it be snakes of some kind? Were the silent halls of the Tower guarded by clammy reptiles? (<-- actual sentence)

His barbarian blood literally froze in his veins, as the unknown guardian of the hall slid into the light and was revealed in all her repellent, loathly form.

Imagine to yourself a pallid snake as long as a man, upon whose questing and fluid neck grew, not the blunt head of a serpent, but the dead-white head of a woman. Green eyes flamed in a mask-like face whose perfect feminine features clashed hideously with her snake form. Bald, her round skull gleamed naked in the dull light; scarlet lips smiled, revealing uncouth tusks.

If she's a snake, how did she put her lipstick on? *baffled*

Apparently, this is a slorg, normally resident of Lemuria's deserts, and Thongor's first encounter with same. Lots of further slorgs emerge, scenting his hot blood with their reptilian senses. He chops off the first one's head, but more follow!

Slorgs everywhere; he is glad he's wearing long boots as they bite at his ankles. C'mon ladies, that's the only part of the guy that has any clothing on, use some sense! He chops loads of them in half as he tries to fight his way out of the tower, but eventually the numbers start to overwhelm him. Luckily, this is not before he finds the star-stone and manages to tie it to the rope he climbed down on. But he is too late to grab onto it himself! The floater floats off, and he is left battling with hundreds of slorgs, which he seems to enjoy, as it will at least be a mighty death. And two paragraphs later he is finally knocked unconscious yet again.

That's 3 times now, and we're only on p55. Anyone want to up their betting?

[Jon AS]

That's 3 times now, and we're only on p55. Anyone want to up their betting?

An impressive record even by Lemurian standards. I wonder why these slorgs, which are clearly out for his blood, will now let him live.

[Antonius Pius]

If she's a snake, how did she put her lipstick on? *baffled*

And who holds the mirror?

And two paragraphs later he is finally knocked unconscious yet again.

How did they knock him unconscious? Did the slorgs make him stumble and crack his head on the floor? Or did mighty Thongor do it himself?

[MinDonner]

As to that, I don't really know. There's a whirl of bloody battle, then eventually blackness descends. I think he just made himself dizzy and fell over.

[Lummel]

Fiddlesticks - there is no mystery over the lipstick. Clearly the snake women would have dipping stations where bowls of a lipstick-like lip colouring substance would be provided at a convenient height for the snake women to dip their lips into in order to achieve a sufficiently sultry and glamourous effect. OK, so it would take some time to get expert enough to cover their lips and not get it anywhere else on their faces but then they probably they don't have a whole lot else to do inbetween biting the boots of the odd passing barbarian burglar.

[Antonius Pius]

As to that, I don't really know. There's a whirl of bloody battle, then eventually blackness descends. I think he just made himself dizzy and fell over.

Like unconsciousness came swirling down? Apprarently disorientation is Thongor's most deadly foe.

Fiddlesticks - there is no mystery over the lipstick. Clearly the snake women would have dipping stations where bowls of a lipstick-like lip colouring substance would be provided at a convenient height for the snake women to dip their lips into in order to achieve a sufficiently sultry and glamourous effect. OK, so it would take some time to get expert enough to cover their lips and not get it anywhere else on their faces but then they probably they don't have a whole lot else to do inbetween biting the boots of the odd passing barbarian burglar.

That is poppycock. The slorgs can't fiddle with sticks, they have no hands, remember. Also, if they kiss paint to colour their lips, they still need someone to hold the mirror and show them the effect. Mind you, without hair for a double-colour effect, the result is likely to be poor.

I do like the idea of the Tower of Slorgs Scarlet Tower being a secret beauty-parlour. Adds to Thongors manliness in burglarizing it.

[Lummel]

balderdash! clearly the women headed snakes use some kind of lip-dip and doubtless take turns to look at each other to check how their lips look and use their flickering snake tongues to lick off colour that isn't on the lip of the slorg they are looking at.

The real problem is who brushes their teeth?