The Vampire Angel Viking Romance, A Novel

[Datepalm]

Because MinDonner has recently been derelict in her duty of reviewing terrible books so the rest of us don't have to, i've decided to step up to the plate with a title I found impossible to avoid looking at:

Sandra Hill's "Kiss of Surrender"

Unfortunately, that's not the book we'll be working with, as that's out in three weeks. Fortunately, it has turned out to be book 2!

So, Book 1 of the Deadly Angels, "Kiss of Pride" it is:

Some men are too bad to be true . . .

Is he really a Viking with a vampire's bite? An angel with the body of a thunder god? A lone wolf with love on his mind? Alexandra Kelly, his prey, thinks Vikar Sigurdsson is either flat-out crazy or he's trying to maneuver her into his bed—which is hardly where a professional reporter should conduct an interview, tempting as that prospect might be.

And some men are too good to be true . . .

Until Vikar does something a teensy bit unexpected, and Alex begins to wonder whether her mystery man could really be everything he says he is: a Viking Vampire Angel on a thousand-year-long mission with his pack of sinful brothers—and a man who's finally found the woman of his dreams. By then, Vikar is already wrapping his chiseled arms around Alex's body . . . and sinking his wicked fangs right into her neck. If this is sin, why does it feel so good?

In creating this thread, I find the juxtaposition with the Barbarian Snark thread interesting - both these genres examine fantasies of masculinity, both draw on iconic stereotypes, perhaps as a subconcious attempt to paper over the flaws of contemporary malehood in a modern society something something.

Nevermind. The real question is: how bad are those sex scenes going to be?

I will be reading and reporting at an unknown pace. Wish me luck.

[Sci-2]

Someday, the first page will be soaked in erotica related threads. I think of this as one more step toward that glorious Ascension, and thank you for your contribution...dare I say it....Comrade.

[Lummel]

erotica? "where do you get off? Biting isn't sexual. Biting is just biting" :)

Our time traveling viking vampire navy seal ditch digging angel was probably hungry after all that thunder goding.

[Lyanna Stark]

Oh awesome, I got a Sandra Hill novel from Xray and Mr X as a wedding gift and it truly is the gift that keeps on giving. I will give your review my full LOVE most definitely. :)

[MinDonner]

AWESOMESAUCE.

I will do my best to provide barbarian-related insights into this most strange of spinoff subgenres!

(eta: it also removes my obligation to continue with Rockson at least until you've finished, so take your time! :D )

[Datepalm]

Let's start with the cover:

Oh, right, that's the cover for the book I won't be reading, but I just wanted to point out that I like the somewhat grotty wifebeater he's got on there, in his sexy pose of sexness. It kind of suggests that despite being a terribly sexy vampire sheikh angel viking cop and all-round overachiever, he's a person too and he might sometimes like to lounge about in his underpants playing Baldur's Gate all day. To me, it seems like it's adding a lot of nuance to his character.

Unfortunately, the cover of this book has nothing nearly so revealingly complex. The leather coat has a surprisingly nice, silky looking lining - thank goodness for that, given that the poor fellow has no shirt! (Leather on nipples will so chafe after a time.) Whatever he's doing with his hips there doesn't look like it's too healthy for his back either, but I suppose someone has to make that sacrifice for us all. Manscapers: if you've gone to the bother of getting it, you may as well flaunt it.

[MinDonner]

You just know that now Amazon are going to be recommending me Vampire Angel Viking ThunderGod Romance novels just for clicking on those links, right? Way to undermine capitalism by stealth. :commie:

Strangely smooth chest aside, that cover is still about a million times better than any of the dodgy barbarian "art" I've seen on my more male-demographic-skewed covers. I think we can conclusively say that this proves women are more visually-focused and men prefer the secksy descriptions, cos sabre-toothed tigers, or something.

[Lummel]

Definitely because in prehistoric times it was dark in them there caves and we men had to use our imagination when head butting sabretooth tigers to death and similar. I know this from my Y chromosome.

I am wondering how the time travelling Viking vampire ditch digger policeman navy seal angel managed to put on a vest seeing as he has those big wings growing out his back.

I must warn you all that this led me to the worrying conclusion that strict accuracy and realism may not be found between the covers :(

[Datepalm]

Moving on with the strict accuracy and realism:

Theres a rather long dedication and then an Epigraph which is some sort of natty vaguely biblical poem about angels.

Then we get to the prologue, which, it informs us, is set "Long ago in the icy North..."

Out of the barren glaciers and snowcapped mountains, fjords emerged like shimmering snakes, and a god-like race was created.

Tall men with glorious features. Strength to survive the harsh climate. Wicked smiles to lure women to their frigid lairs. Superb lovemaking talents perfected over long winter nights. Brave fighting skills to defend their homeland.

These seafaring warriors came to be called Vikings.

That's right. And one hopes their skillset came in that order.

Now, I expect Galactus to show up any minute to explain that Viking actually means trader itinerant fish salesman in ancient Nowegianish, but not here! Here, Vikings appear to be a sort of fantasy-race. Which was created by God. Yes, the God-with-a-capital.

Anywayz, God gets annoyed with the Vikings, becuase they're all raidy and rapey and generally excessively manly in various primal ways, (and they're all into Odin and Thor and so on,) especially one family, the Sigurdssons.

Sigurd had the bad form to attack the monastary at Lindisfarne (Historical accuracy! We haz it!) AND each of his seven sons has committed one of the cardinal sins. So God is totally not happy with them...

Without words, Michael could see down below to what had so offended his Lord. “Tsk, tsk!” was the best he could come up with.

...and dooms the mighty Viking race to extinction by, er, gradual cultural assimilation over the course of centuries. Take that!

The Sigurdssons, however, he sends to Hell! Well, almost. In the end, God relents and decides to turn them into counter-vampires (but still vampires) who must roam the earth and redeem sould. Or something, it's not entirely clear.

What's clear is,

The Sigurdsson brothers, who were thereafter referred to as The Seven, or the VIK, thought they were God’s joke on the world.

They were all right.

For the record, they're named Ivak, Trond, Vikar, Harek, Sigurd, Cnut, and Mordr. Yeah. They sound all right.

What's kind of weird about Sandra Hill, is that she's definitely a humor writer. Theres no doubt we're supposed to be laughing at this absurd setup...and yet. And yet, we are supposed to be impressed by the virile virility of manly manliness of vampire viking angels. It's a conundrum.

[MinDonner]

Seven sons, seven sins, seven ways to win... who else is hoping that each one gets a lame character trait based on their sin of choice which is then referred to throughout the book? It'd be like the Seven Dwarfs only more manly!

[Galactus]

^ Yes! I was thinking the same thing.

Has Sandra Hill ever wrtten a book that's not about vikings?

Also, this is the first time I've seen fjords emerging.

[Datepalm]

Me, i'm just bugged by the juxstaposition in that sentence.

fjords emerged like shimmering snakes, and a god-like race was created.

Their creation was a consequence of the emergence of the fjords? Did it happen in parallell? Were the fjords just so awesome they spontaneously generated Vikings to sail upon them? Were the Vikings there to stop the snakeline fjords from getting further inland? What?

[Darth Visenya]

I thought Angel was Irish :P.

[Lummel]

Only one sin per son? These are terribly modest and restrained vikings. I guess those norse women must have been pretty tough with those frigid lairs. Clearly the heroes here aren't keen on roaring log fires and bear skin rugs.

[Xray the Enforcer]

My mutant and fierce love for Sandra Hill grows stronger by the moment. First it was time-traveling Vikings. Then time-traveling Viking Navy SEALs. Now we have...this.

[MinDonner]

Book 2 featuring Wifebeater Dude appears to have a Vampire Angel Viking Thundergod who is ALSO a Navy SEAL and a sheikh. :stunned:

Are we sure that Sandra Hill doesn't read the board??

[kuroishi]

Seven sons, seven sins, seven ways to win... who else is hoping that each one gets a lame character trait based on their sin of choice which is then referred to throughout the book? It'd be like the Seven Dwarfs only more manly!

I guess the main protagonist will be Lusty? I really hope gluttony-guy will be the comic-relief character.

[Datepalm]

Book 2 featuring Wifebeater Dude appears to have a Vampire Angel Viking Thundergod who is ALSO a Navy SEAL and a sheikh. :stunned:

Are we sure that Sandra Hill doesn't read the board??

Don't forget Cowboy Ditch Digger. When I saw that, no kidding, I was totally and honestly bummed. (until I became rabidly delighted) It's like my whole internet career has been in vain. Anyway, i'll be home in a bit and crack on with chapter 1.

[Datepalm]

Onwards:

We meet our hero, Vikar, mysteriously awaking to find himself lying mysteriously naked on a mysterious plain

with not a tree or fjord in sight

poor sod, they're all he knows.

Then the Archangel Michael shows up, and folks, the archangel Michael is like totally hawt. He is so hawt, we even grok this through Vikar's presumably super sexed, viking, het male pov. Seriously, he is 'beauteous to behold', and yet has 'the body of a warrior', even though he's wearing a dress robe. Do, like, all positive male presences in Romances have to be hot? If God himself shows up, will he be the sexiest of them all?

They chat a bit, and Vikar assumes he's dead, and Michael is all, like, "watch thy mouth",

“Chastened by an angel? Ha, ha, ha! Where are my seventy virgin Valkyries to welcome me to Valhalla?”

Ha, ha, ha! He's like a dirty, dirty, naked Santa by way of the Taliban. Or something.

Now we get the exposition: Last he can recall, Vikar was being all virile and violent, duelling some dude to death so he could kill him and get his wives...but then Michael reminds him that it was not always so!

He remembers his first marriage

adoration in her clear blue, virginal eyes

so unlike those slutty, experienced eyes all the other girls had.

But it did not take long for Vikar to become less than worthy of all that virginity, and it turns out wife #1 commited suicide when he put her aside to marry the totally hot ( and presumably not very virginal)

viperous new wife, Princess Halldora

He weeps at the memory!

BTW, lest anyone is concerned our hero is in the midst of a rather unmanly and introspective trip down memory lane, worry not! Angel Mike is waving his hands and showing him a little slide show to get the emotional process going. Can't expect a fellow like this to think about his dead wife whom he drove to suicide all on his own or anything.

the wealth amassed from his amber trading, along with a-Viking for plunder

So is this a correct use of 'viking'? Who cares, the point is, Vikar is also rich! And a businessman!

Anyway, Michael keeps recounting his sins - people died building his fancy house (the heartless capitalist viking pig!) and he's all dismissive because they were slaves and...actually, that appears to be it.

So Michael tells him that to redeem his soul he must spend 700 years 'in the army of Jasper' or go to hell for all eternity. Now, apparently, he's like being totally frivolous and unthinking for immediately saying yes...but his reasoning actually seems rock solid to me. 700 years of something>infinity in hell.

And then Angel Mike gives him wings and his teeth

which were uncommonly even and white . . . leastways, they had been in the past. Now two of the incisors on either side of his front teeth seemed to have elongated and grown pointy

Oh, the insult to ancient Scandinavian dentistry!

[MinDonner]

Ha, ha, ha indeed!

I wonder if our soon-to-be-introduced heroine will be virginal or viperous? The classic maiden/slut dichotomy this week has been brought to you by the letter "V". Will the vampirous VIK vigorously divest her of the vestiges of her virginity? Or will the Valkyries of Valhalla intervene?