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LGBTQ The Next


Stubby

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Yes. NYC Police loved to raid gay and lesbian bars for purported infractions of their liquor licenses (or disorderly conduct) as a pretense to shutting them down purely because of the gay clientele. I mean, you've read about Stonewall, right?

Ah, that's what I figured but I wasn't sure.

(And to be honest I only read about what actually happened at Stonewall this year.)

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:cheers:

You should definitely read more about the social conditions that LGBTQ people had to deal with, especially in the 1950s-1970s when McCarthyite fear-mongering was at its peak. Dark times (especially compared with the 1920s), and I hope we never see the likes of them again.

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I'm surprised by the reaction because I don't think bravery entered into it. I just felt that if I was to have any valid input into the subject of this thread, it had to be free of pretense.

I totally get this Robin, I've been called brave (here, by my friends, family, colleagues) so many times and it never feels like it's true to me, I'm just doing what I feel I have to do. I think perhaps we have different definitions of brave to everyone else, or we just feel whatever bravery might be there is utterly drowned out by the overwhelming fear.

As someone else said your personal experience isn't remotely a derail, this thread doesn't have a particular discussion in mind at this point and whatever you want to share is welcome.

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I totally get this Robin, I've been called brave (here, by my friends, family, colleagues) so many times and it never feels like it's true to me, I'm just doing what I feel I have to do. I think perhaps we have different definitions of brave to everyone else, or we just feel whatever bravery might be there is utterly drowned out by the overwhelming fear.

I don't know. I'm not sure bravery necessarily has a feeling to it. When you're in the thick of it it just feels like doing what you had to do, or like picking the least terrifying option, or like there wasn't a choice at all. And sometimes it's not even a conscious decision - you're just into the breach before you even know you've done anything.

It is cowardice that has a feeling, a cringing, shrunken, draining feeling. A shame that eats at the soul. When you see someone in trouble and don't help. When you know you need to get out into the world and [instead] just stay inside for the sixth year in a row because how can you talk to anyone when all you have to say about the last five years is that you sat in your dark bedroom trying to literally lose yourself in books, then crying yourself to sleep. When you can't look in a mirror for fear of what you'll see. When you have a problem and know you have a problem but won't let yourself look too deeply at it - and certainly won't tell anyone else about it - because then you'll have to say it out loud, it'll make it real, people will know.

And sometimes courage is just being so afraid of that feeling that you will do anything to keep from going back in that hole.

I told my mother something much like this this morning, after mostly by accident revealing that I am seeing a gender therapist in the first steps of what may lead to transition. I said: Do you know why I think this is right for me? Because I'm not a brave person. I've spent all my life afraid, and hiding from the things that make me afraid. I don't face my fears. But when I look at transition, and all the terrors involved, and all the cost and the pain and the loss of privilege - those terrors do not even register when compared to to the thought of trying to live life as the man I appear to be.

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Emberling - beautifully said, yes that's what my relationship with fear and courage has been. I wish you all the best in pursuing that conversation with your mother further as your plans solidify and hope she took it ok. I'm here if you need someone to talk to about it.

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I hope parts of this story don't frighten anyone. I transitioned while I was unemployed. I was unemployed because the employer who, at first was supportive, got cold feet as the time neared. That meant I had to go to the unemployment office and get my name changed on their records. I didn't have a choice. It had to be done. To my amazement, the section manager who handled updating records, handled it as if it were an everyday occurrence. Once done with that, I went to the nearby Social Security office, to get their records changed and a new card. That too, went off without a problem, but I can honestly say that if someone had stuck a pin into me during either, I wouldn't have felt it. By the time I got back to my car, I was shaking so badly, I had to wait a while before I could drive.

If one looks both at what they fear doing, and what the consequences of not doing it are, fear can be a motivator instead of an inhibitor.

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Wow, Robin. Props to you. Letting people know personal things that are outside our sharing comfort zone is a difficult thing. I get anxiety about sharing and can only imagine how difficult it is when that comfort zone has been inhabited for so long and with real consequences experienced for stepping outside it.

:cheers:

---

And a huge :cheers: to you emberling.

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Ah, thanks for sharing Emberling.

Best of luck as you move forward.

:cheers:

You should definitely read more about the social conditions that LGBTQ people had to deal with, especially in the 1950s-1970s when McCarthyite fear-mongering was at its peak. Dark times (especially compared with the 1920s), and I hope we never see the likes of them again.

Yeah, I've read a bit but am slowly learning about queer history.

Any suggestions most welcome!

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I told my mother something much like this this morning, after mostly by accident revealing that I am seeing a gender therapist in the first steps of what may lead to transition. I said: Do you know why I think this is right for me? Because I'm not a brave person. I've spent all my life afraid, and hiding from the things that make me afraid. I don't face my fears. But when I look at transition, and all the terrors involved, and all the cost and the pain and the loss of privilege - those terrors do not even register when compared to to the thought of trying to live life as the man I appear to be.

I reread your post. It was a bit difficult for me to deal with earlier because I still hadn't wound down from the realization of what I posted last night, but the paragraph above deserves some comment. Accidental slips of the tongue aren't uncommon. Minds are devious little devils. A year before I made my decision, I was talking with a coworker. She said if she were a guy she wouldn't do something and I replied that if I were a guy, I wouldn't, either.

I don't know what fears you couldn't face, but in this regard, you appear to be weighing which things you fear the most. That is facing your fears, in my book. I'll make a couple of suggestions. Don't push yourself harder than necessary. Don't be harsh with yourself if feel hesitant. Surround yourself with supportive people. And, when you accomplish what you set out to do, don't cut yourself off from those supportive people, like I did.

From what I've seen of your posts, I think you are approaching things quite rationally and I think you'll do fine.

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