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Dating 4.0 Everyone is crazy. I am Spock.


Lily Valley

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Ha, ha. Yeah, personally I see bars as the joke. Picking people up at the bar is about as good as picking people up at my everybody-is-wasted job: I'd rather talk to them a little first.

Try picking someone up at a bar in NJ(I'm talking about 20/30 somethings bars). Between the mega bass blasting your ear drum to oblivion (have fun yelling the whole night) and the typical Jersey girl (or guy) who frequents the bar (really they're all clubs) scene, well...yeah good luck finding something that sticks.

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I wonder if there's a generational difference between how quickly you're expected to respond to a text message? Maybe people who have grown up with instant messaging see it more like that, as part of an ongoing conversation that requires a quick response, whereas older people see it more like email where it's ok to wait a day or three in between.

Personally I agree with Mandy, it takes all of about ten seconds to tap out a response, even if it's just 'sorry, really busy, call you tomorrow', and if your time is so precious that you can't waste even ten seconds of it on me then, well, that tells me exactly how much you value me. I'm not one of those people who has their phone on them 24/7, but I do check it a few times during the day. I think 24-36 hours is the very maximum polite window for responding to a text, unless they've got a good reason.

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And that being said, I do make allowances for people when I know that's just what they're like.

2. Being pursued is flattering. Where is the creepy line with modern technology?

Facebook stalking is fine and normal. Friending all your friends is a little weird. Finding your email address and other details which you haven't given them is definitely toeing the creepy line.

3. How much time should you actually have to spend with someone you are dating? What are the responsibilities here (aside from full disclosure obviously). If full disclosure is given and your goals are not matching up, how do you bow out gracefully? In other words, are other people's feelings your problem? If so, when. How do you respond?

Depends on the relationship, but like I said, I think 3-4 days spending some form of time together (not necessarily a date) is good for a reasonably casual relationship. It really does depend on what you want out of it, but if the end goal is to find someone who fits in with your life then you have to, you know, make them a real part of your life and not just something (someone? :P) you do on weekends.

But if you're already thinking of it in terms of 'how much time do I actually have to spend with him?' then it doesn't bode well. You should want to spend time with them, otherwise what's the point?

Edit: And yes, if you care about them then their feelings are your problem, at least a little bit. If you don't care about them, why are you wasting your time and theirs? Cut them loose.

4. If you have a verbal dating contract with someone, if they break the emotional clauses, does it have the same weight as breaking the safety clauses? Why shouldn't it?

That... is a very strange way of looking at a relationship. If it works for you, great, but does the other person know they've made a 'verbal dating contract' complete with clauses?

5. Is the fact that I'm looking for advice and perhaps confirmation from strangers a hint as to why I'm single?

No! Everyone does it in one way or another.

But, big caveat, I don't have kids and have never dated anyone with kids, and I can see how that would complicate things.

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I suppose I'm old fashioned, but whatever happened to the honorable and time-tested rituals like picking someone up in a bar?

ES, I hear ya. I'm 38 and most of my relationships started in bars. I worked in bars for years and was always able to meet people through friends.

This thread bamboozles me

I have a bridge to sell you.

I wonder if there's a generational difference between how quickly you're expected to respond to a text message? Maybe people who have grown up with instant messaging see it more like that, as part of an ongoing conversation that requires a quick response, whereas older people see it more like email where it's ok to wait a day or three in between.

Personally I agree with Mandy, it takes all of about ten seconds to tap out a response, even if it's just 'sorry, really busy, call you tomorrow', and if your time is so precious that you can't waste even ten seconds of it on me then, well, that tells me exactly how much you value me. I'm not one of those people who has their phone on them 24/7, but I do check it a few times during the day. I think 24-36 hours is the very maximum polite window for responding to a text, unless they've got a good reason.

MY PHONE IS NOT A LEASH. Trust me. Leashes don't break when you drop them in a toilet, throw them against the wall or "accidentally" step on them 500 times.

I'm glad to hear that 24 hours is acceptable. I do try to respond within a day (or right away if I can). I also don't ever mind getting silly update texts. I just don't like to reward bad behavior. If someone blows up my phone without it being an emergency, I feel like responding encourages them to do it again.

Keep in mind my OP particular situation occurred because I had already responded that I was not available.

During the semester I have 10-12 hour days with family responsibilities to deal with outside of work. Sometimes I have NO IDEA how bad or busy my week is going to be. I tend to be all-or-nothing with the people in my life. I'd rather wait until I know I can keep plans before I answer people. The phone thing has been a major hurdle with everyone I've dated and all of my friends and family. I answer my son immediately. Everyone else waits until I have eaten, peed and/or slept.

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last time i used okcupid; someone wrote me a poem

it was fucking horrible

all milky white skin and rose red lips jesus fuck dude you know it's ok if you had the hots for snow white growing up but don't project that on some strange girl you've been talking to for about an hour thank you very fucking much

******WARNING********

If I meet you on an internet dating site, you will be discussed online. I have far more compassion for my dating-through-human-connection failures.

OKCupid! stories:

1. Nice man in mid 40-s. Appalled and fascinated by my total first date disclosure. 3 dates later,I called it off. The man was too lonely. One sided contact from him for a year. He got me into a fight with a good friend of mine by asking questions eight months after our third date.

2. Nice fella. Great sense of humor. Really didn't get me on a fundamental level.

3. Date was fine. Looked just like my favorite first cousin. I thought it was hilarious, but TOTALLY NOT SEXY.

4. Man's photos neglected to show that he had extremely bulging googly eyes*. He also didn't mention that he was still living with his wife, divorce not final and he had young children (deal breaker for me). The googly eyes were just lagniappe when I told the story at the office.

*Look. I'm talking cretaceous here. I was waiting for eye stalks, because that would have been awesome.

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Yeah, if someone didn't respond to a text the same day I sent it, I would definitely take that as a snub. In my experience, if you haven't received a response within a day, you probably won't get one at all. I would probably be confused if someone responded to a text I sent them 2 days later because a reply would be completely unexpected at that point.

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Huh, I guess it's because i'm english and we don't have the same sort of dating culture, but this thread hurts my brain.

Rules? Verbal contracts? Time limits?

It all just sounds too complicated. If you like someone surely you will want to reply quickly to their messages?

Just, do what feels right. If it feels wrong there's probably no future there.

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Yeah, if someone didn't respond to a text the same day I sent it, I would definitely take that as a snub. In my experience, if you haven't received a response within a day, you probably won't get one at all. I would probably be confused if someone responded to a text I sent them 2 days later because a reply would be completely unexpected at that point.

Isn't there a chance that the guy saw it late, and was trying to make sure he didn't respond in a way that could fuck things up?

I just have to say that I'm glad as hell I wasn't doing most of my dating in the text era. You are never, ever alone, because you're always just that one text away.

It's like permanent pop-ins.

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Huh, I guess it's because i'm english and we don't have the same sort of dating culture, but this thread hurts my brain.

Rules? Verbal contracts? Time limits?

We just love being litigious over here, that's all. :)

Good luck to all of y'all brave (or crazy) enough to still try. Thanks for sharing the horror stories. And even the nice stories, sometimes I like reading those too (but don't tell anybody).

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Yeah, if someone didn't respond to a text the same day I sent it, I would definitely take that as a snub. In my experience, if you haven't received a response within a day, you probably won't get one at all. I would probably be confused if someone responded to a text I sent them 2 days later because a reply would be completely unexpected at that point.

Ok, I see this. What if every time you respond to a text another conversation is started on the other end. What are the rules here? Do I seriously have to say four or five times a day, "ok, I have to work now," or "ok, going to bed now," 'cause that's annoying as hell.

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Try picking someone up at a bar in NJ(I'm talking about 20/30 somethings bars). Between the mega bass blasting your ear drum to oblivion (have fun yelling the whole night) and the typical Jersey girl (or guy) who frequents the bar (really they're all clubs) scene, well...yeah good luck finding something that sticks.

Off topic, but are ALL bars really like that in NJ? I mean, is the stereotype ture?

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Yeah, if someone didn't respond to a text the same day I sent it, I would definitely take that as a snub. In my experience, if you haven't received a response within a day, you probably won't get one at all. I would probably be confused if someone responded to a text I sent them 2 days later because a reply would be completely unexpected at that point.

Yeah, this is pretty much precisely how I look at it. I mean there's exceptions for someone who may be up in the mountains and with no signal for days or for that friend you know well who hues to a 1990s concept of communication which is totally cool. Of course in a dating context you probably don't know either of those things. And so the general expectation I have with a sent text is that I'll hear back in a day, especially if I'm asking a question. I mean, I come at it from the other way - texting can be more respectful than calling because though the latter is the way we all grew up communicating, it puts the other person on the spot. Let them respond at their own leisure. And it's so much less of a pain if it's just a simple confirmation of something. With smartphones becoming pretty ubiquitous, email has become similar to the point where it kinda functions like slightly more feature laden, slightly less convenient form of texting, but it carries less urgency nevertheless. I mean emails can be fucking long or might be planning something months from now. Might be a week before I get back to you. But texting? Sure I can carve out a bit of time at some point in the next 24 hours to hammer out a quick sentence or two.

Now if they're trying to have an entire conversation over text and I'm busy, then I may stop responding at some point. But never without a single response unless I'm trying to blow them off.

Ok, I see this. What if every time you respond to a text another conversation is started on the other end. What are the rules here? Do I seriously have to say four or five times a day, "ok, I have to work now," or "ok, going to bed now," 'cause that's annoying as hell.

No, the onus is on the other person to stop texting after you respond with one of those.

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Ok, I see this. What if every time you respond to a text another conversation is started on the other end. What are the rules here? Do I seriously have to say four or five times a day, "ok, I have to work now," or "ok, going to bed now," 'cause that's annoying as hell.

Oh no, I think once someone makes an exit like that, any further texting should be considered one-way.

Yeah, this is pretty much precisely how I look at it. I mean there's exceptions for someone who may be up in the mountains and with no signal for days or for that friend you know well who hues to a 1990s concept of communication which is totally cool. Of course in a dating context you probably don't know either of those things. And so the general expectation I have with a sent text is that I'll hear back in a day, especially if I'm asking a question. I mean, I come at it from the other way - texting can be more respectful than calling because though the latter is the way we all grew up communicating, it puts the other person on the spot. Let them respond at their own leisure. And it's so much less of a pain if it's just a simple confirmation of something. With smartphones becoming pretty ubiquitous, email has become similar to the point where it kinda functions like slightly more feature laden, slightly less convenient form of texting, but it carries less urgency nevertheless. I mean emails can be fucking long or might be planning something months from now. Might be a week before I get back to you. But texting? Sure I can carve out a bit of time at some point in the next 24 hours to hammer out a quick sentence or two.

Now if they're trying to have an entire conversation over text and I'm busy, then I may stop responding at some point. But never without a single response unless I'm trying to blow them off.

Exactly. Calling people actually makes me feel uncomfortable for exactly that "putting people on the spot" feeling.

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Off topic, but are ALL bars really like that in NJ? I mean, is the stereotype ture?

Yep. Sad...but true. I mean, there's a few places that don't fit that mold. Biergarten in Hoboken is good. Everywhere else in Hoboken is a club. Bliss in Clifton or Rise in Lodi are other places "wherever 'women' go". I'm talking about trying to meet single women. The internet(s) is a good way to meet people here. Or through friends. Or go to NYC.

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Isn't there a chance that the guy saw it late, and was trying to make sure he didn't respond in a way that could fuck things up?

I just have to say that I'm glad as hell I wasn't doing most of my dating in the text era. You are never, ever alone, because you're always just that one text away.

It's like permanent pop-ins.

Dear Lord, yes. It's horrifying.

I don't 'want' to be on call non-stop. I am not a call center or a help desk.

It's a good thing I'm married - I'm doomed to fail in the current dating scene. :D

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I'm glad to hear that 24 hours is acceptable. I do try to respond within a day (or right away if I can). I also don't ever mind getting silly update texts. I just don't like to reward bad behavior. If someone blows up my phone without it being an emergency, I feel like responding encourages them to do it again.

That's one way of looking at it, but to me that seems needlessly passive aggressive. I don't know that five texts is 'blowing up' your phone, maybe that's quite normal by his standards or maybe (probably) he was just a bit tipsy. Either way, he's not a dog that needs to be trained not to do it again, he's a human being who can be asked not to do it again.

You know that 'the phone thing' has been a big issue with all of your friends and loved ones in the past, so not to put too fine a point on it but it's probably you, not him, whose standards differ from the norm here. That's fine, but you might need to spell it out to him rather than make him try to guess how he's supposed to behave.

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Oh no, I think once someone makes an exit like that, any further texting should be considered one-way.

No, the onus is on the other person to stop texting after you respond with one of those.

You guys are answering a different question than was asked.

Ok, I see this. What if every time you respond to a text another conversation is started on the other end. What are the rules here? Do I seriously have to say four or five times a day, "ok, I have to work now," or "ok, going to bed now," 'cause that's annoying as hell.

You are probably overthinking this. Most people will probably assume, unless told otherwise, that you check your phone at least every couple hours, and will reply to texts then. If your responses are usually a couple hours later, they'll get the picture. But if you get a message during the day (as opposed to late at night) and routinely don't respond til the next day, people will probably perceive it as disinterest.

You do not need to inform people when you become unavailable. Normal people are not always available, because they are doing things. Respond when you have time. But you have time more than once a day.

EDIT: As Every says, it seems pretty clear that your phone habits are out of sync with the rest of the world's. That doesn't necessarily mean you need to change them, but it does mean that you need to be aware that the rest of the world doesn't use them the way you do, and adjust your assumptions about how it will be taken accordingly.

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Yes, yes. Rub it in. I for one love it when married people go into threads about dating full of single people and talk about how happy they are that they aren't them. Next, you should go show some homeless people pictures of you at a fancy restaurant eating steak and lobster :P

I'm sorry; that is pretty obnoxious of me. Duly noted. I promise to do better. :)

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So, not a zombie.

That's a win.

:agree:

Next thread: Zombie dates: "After the flesh is over..." Poor Maggie. What happens when they run out of biteable bodies? Zombie reproduction strategies look bad. Before we are all eaten or infected or dead. I wanna say this: http://www.youtube.c...h?v=H74ScaTLgiQ

Off topic, but are ALL bars really like that in NJ? I mean, is the stereotype ture?

You are NOT off topic. This is a dating thread started by my melodramatic ass. Carry on. Please don't feel obligated to comment on the OP. My brother is moving to New Jersey in a week. He's gay. I'll be asking y'all for a place for him to go play.

That's one way of looking at it, but to me that seems needlessly passive aggressive.

Yes. Passive behavior. I fail to see how it does another person harm if I won't respond to a text message. I will agree that I use RESPONDING to text messages as actively aggressive behavior occasionally, but never with people I date.

On that note, does anyone other than me and Sheldon use behavior mod treatment on their dating partners?

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