Mellow drama, unleash insane megalomaniac, v. 2

[TimJames]

17 hours ago, Count Balerion said:

[Bother. I recorded the Count's voice, but can't insert media anywhere, not even in PM or signature. That's the short version of the story. The long version is very boring. Oh, I should probably say smething melodramatic; so not being able to do this has destroyed my life.]

You can't put The Count's Voice in the post?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOooo0000oooooooOOOOooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Count Balerion]

There might be a workaround. I'll check next weekend. Bother, that wasn't melodramatic. Workarounds are boring.

[Count Balerion]

A few of the Count's favourite things

[Count Balerion]

The Robert-hating nutter set the other nutters off:

"TYRION IZ A RAPUS!!!!!!!"
"SANDOR IZ A RAPUS!!!!!!!"
"BRAN IZ A RAPUS!!!!!!!"
"PATCHFACE IZ A RAPUS!!!!!!!"
"SANSA AN SHE BETRAYED THE NORTH AN IZ PART ANDLE!!!!!"
"DANY AN SHE'S A GENUCIDE TH3 GHIS WILL RIS3 AGIN!!!!!!!"

Until along came THE worst nutter of all, probably planted by the showrunners:

"RAPE ISN'T BAD!!!"
Narrator: "Er .... I know ths show isn't of the most morally uplifting; but come ON!"
Nasty nutter: "MORALITY IZ RELATIV DONT FORSE UR STANDERDZ ON ME I WANT RAPE SCEENS THEYRE FUNNY!!!!!!!!"
Narrator: *strangles*
Nasty nutter: "U R SUPPRESSIN FREE SPEEACHGHGHGHGHQHQHRRRRGHHHH!!!!!!" *dies horribly*
$^^%$####$%^^^^^

Count: "Why are you defending Robert? You're supposed to blacken the reputations of the Barratheons and Targaryens, and anyway you hated him."
Cersei: "I *am* blackening his reputation. That was just for the audience. To the people of West... Wetteros I say all sorts of things."
Count: "OK. Anyway, you're hot. Do you know why I love you? I love you because you murdered lots of people and did it with Jaime to keep the bloodline pure. Half-breeds are icky."
Cersei: "You love me beause I'm an incestuous mass murderer?"
Count: "Yeah. So I claim the jus primae noctis."
It's not the first night anymore, though. "
Count: "Any noctis, then."
Cersei: "Eurh ... my hubby Maegor might be annoyed."
Count: "If he's annoyed, I'll kill him. I'm the Drowned God!"
Cersei: "I ... I ... I'm not worthy, Omnipotence."
Luckily, just at that moment a telegrsaph came for the count, so he was sidetracked.

 

[TimJames]

On 9/3/2016 at 2:31 PM, Count Balerion said:

A few of the Count's favourite things

You have a voice like silk. 

 

On 9/3/2016 at 4:05 PM, Count Balerion said:

PRINT
The Robert-hating nutter set the other nutters off:

"TYRION IZ A RAPUS!!!!!!!"
"SANDOR IZ A RAPUS!!!!!!!"
"BRAN IZ A RAPUS!!!!!!!"
"PATCHFACE IZ A RAPUS!!!!!!!"
"SANSA AN SHE BETRAYED THE NORTH AN IZ PART ANDLE!!!!!"
"DANY AN SHE'S A GENUCIDE TH3 GHIS WILL RIS3 AGIN!!!!!!!"

Until along came THE worst nutter of all, probably planted by the showrunners:

"RAPE ISN'T BAD!!!"
Narrator: "Er .... I know ths show isn't of the most morally uplifting; but come ON!"
Nasty nutter: "MORALITY IZ RELATIV DONT FORSE UR STANDERDZ ON ME I WANT RAPE SCEENS THEYRE FUNNY!!!!!!!!"
Narrator: *strangles*
Nasty nutter: "U R SUPPRESSIN FREE SPEEACHGHGHGHGHQHQHRRRRGHHHH!!!!!!" *dies horribly*
$^^%$####$%^^^^^

Count: "Why are you defending Robert? You're supposed to blacken the reputations of the Barratheons and Targaryens, and anyway you hated him."
Cersei: "I *am* blackening his reputation. That was just for the audience. To the people of West... Wetteros I say all sorts of things."
Count: "OK. Anyway, you're hot. Do you know why I love you? I love you because you murdered lots of people and did it with Jaime to keep the bloodline pure. Half-breeds are icky."
Cersei: "You love me beause I'm an incestuous mass murderer?"
Count: "Yeah. So I claim the jus primae noctis."
It's not the first night anymore, though. "
Count: "Any noctis, then."
Cersei: "Eurh ... my hubby Maegor might be annoyed."
Count: "If he's annoyed, I'll kill him. I'm the Drowned God!"
Cersei: "I ... I ... I'm not worthy, Omnipotence."
Luckily, just at that moment a telegrsaph came for the count, so he was sidetracked.

 

The telegraph reads.

"Dear Drowned God. Stop.

Volantis has fallen to Daenerys Targaryen. Stop. TimJames and Wyrde are helping her. Stop.  Essos-Front fallen. Stop.

Rhllorist Clergy and Most Devout holding Great Conclave in Selhorys. Stop. Danger to Moral Authority of Countist Drowned Faith. Stop.

Free North Army launching raids on Count Cultist Outposts. Stop."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile in The Vale. 

Nymeria Sand: "I'm in the mood for some sensual wine and incense. 

Lother Brune: "We don't have any, because it's being rationed. We do have cauliflower and potatoes and carrots though."

Nymeria Sand: "Potatoes again?" 

Lother Brune: "... ... ... sexy potatoes?"

Nymeria Sand: "Thanks for accommodating me and the other Dornish Refugees in our time of struggle."

Lother Brune: "That's ok. Soon you'll be home again."

. . . 

Obara Sand: *sad*

Mord: "Wats wrong?"

Obara Sand: "I left my whip behind when I fled Dorne."

Mord: "You can borrow mine!"

Obara Sand: "Thanks ... " *looks at Numeria and Lother flirting* "They seem to like each other."

Mord: "I should think so. Nymeria is Lothar's type."

Obara Sand: "Loose Dornish Women?"

Mord: "Bastards. I think it's because his cousins abandoned him."

Obara Sand: *looks jealously at them*

Mord: "You know, if you want a companion-"

Obara Sand: "I like girls."

Mord: "-Lord Nester Royce's daughter Myranda is interested in you."

Obara Sand: "I thought Myranda was married to that giant northman Bran?"

Mord: "Different Myranda. Let's just call this one 'Myranda R.' to make distinction."

Obara Sand: "Ok, I'll go talk to her."

Mord: "The problem is that people here ... actually know how to make interesting dialogue. But don't worry, you can borrow my 'interesting dialogue' primer."

The "Interesting Dialogue Primer" was co-authored by Tyrion Lannaster, Bronn Blackwater, Sandor Clegane, Barristan Semly, Doran Martell, and all the other witty speakers in Westeros.This is the 14th edition. 

Obara Sand: "Oh yeah, my uncle had one and read from it every day ... I probably shouldn't have killed him."

 

[TimJames]

In Volantis, the Dragon had beaten The Nuke. As a result, the city was freed.

Daenerys: "I'm going to burn all these Volantine Slave Masters with Dragonfire!!!!!"

Stannis: "No! That is wrong!!"

Daenerys: *looks surprized at her husband*

Stannis: "Regular fire works just as well and doesn't tire the dragons out."

Daenerys: "Phew! For a second you had me worried!"

TimJames: "Couldn't you just have a firing squad, or a tribunal, or-"

Daenerys and Stannis: "Nope!"

[Count Balerion]

On 9/4/2016 at 1:08 AM, TimJames said:

You have a voice like silk.

 

My blushes!

The 14th edition of the Interesting Dialogue book also has a brand new appendix with Essosi witticisms from such wags as the Tattered Prince and Brown Ben Plumm.
*&&^^&&*())

Tyene sent a letter to her sisters in the Vale: "BAD (***&^%%$$%^*((*&^!!!! I hear -- BAD (***&^%%$$%^*((*&^!!!! -- disturbing rumours that you two -- BAD (***&^%%$$%^*((*&^!!!! -- are developing personalities and if not good, at least passable -- BAD (***&^%%$$%^*((*&^!!!! -- dialogue. That's a betrayal of -- BAD (***&^%%$$%^*((*&^!!!! -- everything we stand for! And by the -- BAD (***&^%%$$%^*((*&^!!!! -- way, evil is really cool!"
%^&&&^%%$$)()))

The Count reacts quickly to the news. First he dictates a telegram to Theon Stark warning him that he's replaceable and will be killed unless he destroys the "Free North" banditi prestissimo!

Then he organizes an enormous armada to attack Volantis/Selhorys/Etc., the Armada of the Trillion.

In Wetteros, he leaves an occupying force of a trillion evil people and things, along with the following caretakers: Cersei and Maegor, viceregents; Theon Stark, Warden of the North, Minister of Population Control and Racial Harmony; Harren, responsible for the siege of KL; Batfinger, responsible for outsmarting Olenna and Margaery's plots; Goron, responsible for suppressing false religions; and Rorge, responsible under Maegor for police operations.

The Count himself heads for Essos with his armada of krakens (including flying kraens in asbestos armour), demon flying fish, monster jellyfish, demon-monster sea anenomes, vampire giant clams, killer whales, war-walrusses, sadist seals, etc. (The demon-penguins were part of the force besieging the Vale; but Margaery had a plan to make them turn good.) Also with the Count were Roose Bolton, Ramsay Snow/Bolton, Euron with the dragon-horn, Shrike (who was looking forward to massacring the Most Devout, who were led by Septon Meribald and Septa Mordane, and the R'hllorists, led by Benerro and Weyrde), Tywin, and Metal Gregor (who would have preferred to murder Bran, but that would have to wait).
**&&^^&**

Meribald: "But with respect to the Seven aspects of God ..."

[TimJames]

2 hours ago, Count Balerion said:

Meribald: "But with respect to the Seven aspects of God ..."

Ezzelyno: "Rhllor! His name is Rhllor!"

Benerro: "Gentlemen please! We should let the knight TimJames continue with his relevations."

TimJames: "Thanks. Now, let me recount the tale of The True God."

All the scribes poised their pens and quills and typewriters to ensure that they recorded The Book Of Mending. The handsome and gallant knight began to describe his testament.

TimJames: "Long ago, when the world was young, the The One True God came to Hugor of the Hill and declared that he would be father to his people. 

Hugor, or Hukko, had 44 sons and founded a great Kingdom. 

The first 11 sons left for Westeros and drove out The Children of The Forest and The Walkers of The Walk. There they abandoned the ways of The One True God, so HE came to them again as The Oldest God. So it is thus that The First Men were born.

The second 11 sons left later and took up residence upon the The Iron Islands. There they were tempted by The Great Other, who came in the form of The Drowned God. In response, The One True God created storms to punish them. Many delved deeper into reaving and pillaging, but a few took up worship of The One True God after being awed by the storms. So it was that The Ironborn came into being.

Then The Valyrians invaded Old Andalos, burning as they went. This was because The One True God had declared that his people had become wicked and decadant and that now he would strike down any who stayed in Old Andalos. 

The descendants of the third 11 sons left for Westeros, conquering the southern half in the name of one they called The Father. 

The descendants of the final 11 stayed behind. Many were burned, many more were enslaved. Those enslaved were brought to Volantis and Lys and Pentos. There they spread their faith to some of their masters. Sadly, The Faceless Men destroyed Valyria using magic that The Great Other gave them in exchange for their souls. But the faith of those final 11 prevented the Doom of Valyria from spreading to the entire world. So it was that the Rhllorists came to be.

All Four Faiths trace their origin back to Hugor, to Hukko. It is time to Mend The Schisms! By the Will of The Father, Rhllor, The Storm God, The Oldest God, it is time to Mend The Schisms!"

In the Council Room ... silence. It lasted for half an hour before High Priest Benerro rose and adressed the room. 

Benerro: "All in favor of mending the schism .. say aye ..."

Entire Room: "AYE! AYE! AYE! MEND THE SCHISMS! MEND THE SCHISMS! MEND THE SCHISMS!!!"

[TimJames]

"Now", said Meribald, "let us discuss which parts of the faith are Canon."

And so began the counting of angels on pins ...

[Count Balerion]

Septon Cellador and that Enzymio chap got into a brawl, but were ordered to take it ouside. Then they went to a pub and became best friends, while still heading schismatic organisations.

Septa Mordane: "Shouldn't we invite members of the Storm God and Oldest God to contribute to this idscussion?"

[TimJames]

TimJames: "I am sad to say that summoning them would be impossible, as the chief theologians of those two groups have been martyred or gone into hiding. Bloodraven, the chief Greenseer of The Old Gods, was drowned in the sacrificial summoning of The Drowned Count."

Red Priest Thoros: "You forget that two have made it here. Old Nan, grandmother of Hodor, has arrived here from Westeros with all the lore of The Old Gods. And your own betrothed, Mya Stone, has connection to The Storm Gods through her father's shade."

Mya Stone: "That is right. And in addition we have the copies of the holy books of those two faiths."

High Priest Benerro: "Now then; we've already agreed that there is Only One God, that he presides over Fire and Storms and Weirwood and Light, and that he The Drowned God is The Great Other is The Stranger."

All: *mutter in agreement*

High Priest Benerro: "We also agree that we are going to somehow combined the clergies of all four groups into one-."

Theodan the True: "I say we call them Septons."

Thoros: "That's not fair to us."

High Priest Benerro: "We'll have to come up with a combined name. Like Red Septons. Or Priest-Brothers."

Theodan: "... aw shucks, I guess you're right."

High Priest Benerro: "Now, what do we disagree on so we can work it out?"

[Count Balerion]

Septon Meribald: "I don't think we ever did settle the 7 aspects of God. We can say God, right? All names are accepted, so R'hllor is good, too. Anyway, what about them? And one of them is supposed to be the Stranger, who we were saying is the Great Other, i.e., not God. What about that?"

Showrunners: "Boring!"

Narrator: "OK, you can watch Cellador and Enzellyno in the brothel while we do this."

Showrunners: "NEKKID WIMMIN! GRUNT GRUNT!!!!!!"

Weyrde actress: "Why did the showrunners show the half-hour of silence on screen?"

Narrator: *shrugs* "Their idea."

Mya: "Are you sure you're not confusing different beings when you talk of the Stranger? Maybe the being that causes death and guides us into the afterlife is distinct from the one that tortures the damned?"

Benerro: "The R'hllorists will never accept the Great Other as an aspect of the Lord of Light. We view the Great Other as a vile but ultimately petty spirit of malice, in no way equal to the Lord."

Weyrde, meanwhile, is writhing and moaning in a trance, as one who sees terrible things. At random moments, she whispers in a voice of horror "The Count! The Count!"

Old Nan: "The Count isn't The Oldest God, dearie."

[TimJames]

TimJames: "Those two holy men are going to the Brothel to try and talk the prostitutes into switching to more wholesome jobs ... right?"

Ser Joffery Doggett: "Of course! Why else would they go there?"

TimJames: "Anyway, the other six Gods of The Seven are the children of The Father/Rhllor and The Mother. They're considered part of him because they share his DNA. The Stranger is different from The Great Other, but The Great Other IS The Drowned God so you can't worship him anymore."

High Septon: "Who shall lead this new faith? I think I should."

High Priest Benerro: "Me Me Me!!!"

TimJames: "The position of  High Red Priest and High Septon shall henseforth and forever more be held by the same person. I shall pick an eight year old boy to fill this role; one pure of heart and able to cure miracles."

High Septon and Benerro in unison: "Why not me???"

TimJames: "High Septon, you doomed Lancel Lannester's soul by telling him he could repent without publicly confessing his crime and accepting just punishment. Now he is being eternally flayed with a potato peeler by demons in The Seventh Hell for his sins; such is the fate of all who think they can just cheat their way into The Seven Heavens! He tried to have his cake and eat it too; you can't do that!

Benerro, Melisandre's atrocities are a black mark on The Red Clergy. I know you condemned her acts, but it happened under your watch."

Benerro: "But-" 

TimJames: "Sorry, who here has the revelation?"

Benerro: "Ok, we accept your decision."

[Count Balerion]

Septon Meribald:"How about this: we have a quadrumvirate of one priest from each of the True Faiths: i.e., one Sevenist, 1 Rh'llorist, 1 Stormist, and 1 Oldist, and they lead in conjunction with an Ecumenical Council. Each member of the quadrumvirate will hold the highest office for a period of ..."

Weyrde (wakes out of trance): "THE COUNT IS ON HIS WAY!!!! WE MUST PREPARE OUR DEFENSE, OR HE WILL DESTROY US ALL!!!!!!"

Septa ... the one Tyrion thought was hot, I can't check her name right now: "Ah, Stan and Dany will rescue us."

Weyrde: "WE CANNOT BE COMPLACENT! THE POWER OF THE SEVEN HELLS IS WITHIN HIM!"

Old Nan: "Bother. I was just cooking up a theory of theogenesis. It was good, too. It had to do with an hypostatic union,neither confounding the Persons nor dividing the substance."

[TimJames]

Her name is Septa Lemore. She also taught f/Aegon about religion (though she seems to have forgotten the part about not having tunnel vision).

--------------------------------------------------

TimJames: "What? They're attacking here??? Ok, we need to shore up our defenses. The God of The Four Peoples is on our side, so as long as we stay calm -"

Septon Ollidor: "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!?!?!!!!!!"

Septon Luceon: "EVERYBODY PANIC!!!!!"

Captain of the Fiery Hand: "OH LORD OF LIGHT, WHY HAVE THOU FORSAKEN US??!!!??!?!?!??!"

Ser Joffery Doggett (Captain of The Poor Fellows): "Why do you think! Between his" *gestures to Septon Torbert* "eating like a piggy" -

Septon Torbert: *sniffles* "I can't help it! I have an eating disorder!"

Ser Joffery Doggett: " - their whoremongering -" *gestures to Septa Lemore and Septon Ollidor*

Septon Ollidor: *looks super offended*

Ser Joffery Dogget: "It's no wonder Our God has abandoned us!"

Septa Lemore: "Who are you calling a whoremonger?!"

Ser Joffery Dogget: "Oh please! Septa's arn't supposed to get pregnant!"

Septa Lemore: "I'm a widow! I became a Septa AFTER I had my kid!"

Mya Stone knew this bickering would get us nowhere, so she shot her lightning sword into the air to get everyone's attention.

Mya Stone: "Everyone paying attention now? Good, now let my hubby-to-be speak."

TimJames: "Thanks. Now, Red Priestess Weyrde is right. Count Balerion has evil for a heart and cruelty for a soul. He's gonna throw everything he's got at us. Daenerys and Stannis will come to our aid, but it might take some hours for them to get from Volantis to Selhorys. So if we're gonna hold out until then, we need to band together and fortify our positions."

Red Priest Ezzelyno: "Where will we hide? We're in a Dornish Ruins!"

TimJames: "There's that ruined palace where Nymeria used to live."

Sharako Lohar: "That palace won't hold! It didn't even hold in Nymeria's time."

TimJames: "You got a better idea?"

Sharako Lohar: "Suicide pact?"

TimJames: "Nope. I have the revelation, and I say we take shelter in the palace."
 

So the Council of Selhorys, the greatest Theological Conclave in History, moved into the Selhorys Palace and began prepping defenses in anticipation for Count Balerion's Armada. They will have to hold out for 7 hours before Daenerys and Stannis can reach them."

[TimJames]

On 9/14/2016 at 11:26 AM, Count Balerion said:

 

Septa ... the one Tyrion thought was hot, I can't check her name right now: "Ah, Stan and Dany will rescue us."

 

Her name was Septa Lemore. She also taught f/Aegon about religion.

[Count Balerion]

22 hours ago, TimJames said:

Her name was Septa Lemore. She also taught f/Aegon about religion.

Tonks! Now I remember. I recalled the (F)aegon bit.

Team D/S was unfortunately dealing with a slaveowner revolt unimaginatively called the Children of the Tiger, so they were delayed a few hours.

Weyrde: "The Count's abhominable Will is already at work among us! That is why thou, Ser Joffrey, hast suddenly started being quarrelsome and levelling random baseless accusations. Even thou, TJ, art tempted to use the revelation as a cloak for wielding power. That is how thou gottest led into evil in the first place and startedst sacrificing cultists and whatnot.  Nay, do not protest! For I see into the depths of thy soul! [Audience: "The heck you do." Weyrde: "Shut up."] The panicking and infighting is naught but the Count's evil mental powers seeping into ye's souls!

"Now, Ser TymJaimes, do thou prepare the defenses while I raise spirits by ... NO I AM NOT TAKING OFF MY CLOTHES!"

Showrunners: "Oh, yes you are! The agreement says no rape scenes, not no nude scenes.
Weyrde: "Narrator!"
Narrator: *looks helpless*
Weyrde: "Fine, but I'm also removing the glamour that makes me look beautiful and revealing my thousand-year-old self."
Audience: "Blekh. That's not the fanservice we had in mind."

Then sea water began slowly seeping in, an idea of Tywin's which the Count thought too good not to reuse. For the Count was of a mind to play with his victins before closing in for the kill.

To that end he had appointed an ambassador to present the Defenders of Serlhorys with the terms of their surrender. And that ambassador was none other than Ramsay Bolton/Snow. Not in person, of course; evil people ae cowards, It was a holographic image with Ramsay's voice and personality.

"You have rebelled against the Drowned God and merited a painful death. But the Drowned God is disposed to be merciful, and is willing to pardon your treason and only insist on the slow cruel death of a third of you, wso long as certain conditions are met:

"You will abjure your infidelity and worship the Drowned God, and in token of that faith you will sacrifice one third of your number to him." (Ramsay tried to sound as if he were trying to sound pious; but his snickering kept getting in the way, and he failed miserably.)

"You will hand over the heresiarchs TJ and Weyrde to the Judgement of the Drowned God. I'm quite looking forward to taking my dogs on a Weyrde-hunt.

"You will watch this informational video showing the nasty things that happen to those that durst defy the Drowned God.

"And you will sign this agreement of surrender (the Fourtenn Points).

"I'm a holographic image, so attacking me won't get you anywhere. One further point: should any of you choose to betray his companions and serve the Drowned God, you may reap rich rewards. I can tell you from experience that the Drowned God is generous yto his friends." (*fingers necklace of gilded bones*)

 

[TimJames]

On 9/17/2016 at 3:55 PM, Count Balerion said:

Weyrde: "Fine, but I'm also removing the glamour that makes me look beautiful and revealing my thousand-year-old self."
Audience: "Blekh. That's not the fanservice we had in mind."

That scene proved particularly popular with the geriatric-fetishists in the audience though.

TimJames: "Weyrde, you are right. I have been using my prophet-hood as a trump card to automatically win arguments instead of using my whit. I guess being The Mouthpiece to The Father of The Four Peoples went to my head a bit. I'll try to work on it from here on.

Now everyone else, I don't know about you but I'd rather die fighting. Are you with me?"

All Holy Men In Attendance: "Deus Vult! Deus Vult! Deus Vult!"

They began preparing the defenses, and just as they finished a hologram of Ramsay appeared and made his outrageous offer.

After they listened to it, there was silence. It was the Pious True Knight TimJames who answered the offer first.

"We have been entrusted with a sacred mission, one handed down by The Father of The Four Peoples himself. From this rightous path I can not turn away. I know not what course others may take, but I would rather stand my ground and die with sword in hand than kneel to the likes of you. Even if I must stand alone."

TimJames was sure to allow the others to choose for themselves, and this paid off. 

Mya Stone: "You are not alone; the Daughter of Robert Baratheon stands with you."

Ser Joffery Doggett: "My sword thirsts for Heretic Blood!"

Septon Meribald: "Our God shall guide us."

Red Priest Benerro: "The Lord of Light and Storm shall determine our fate this day!"

On and on, all the people at the Conclave pledged to stand and die, but never to surrender. 

[Count Balerion]

Old Nan: "Yeah! We're gonna give you hell!" 

Weyrde: "The Lord shall defend the right!"

Ramsay: "Fools! Swords can't save you, and certainly your God can't! The Count is your god now!"

Then he vanished. The sea water cntinued seeping in, bringing with it hordes of demon monstersea creatures, such as giant sea cucumbers (about a million or so) that swallowed their victims  whole; demon lobsters the count had rescued from boiling pots and who wanted revenge on humanity for putting them in said boiling pots (before you applaud the humanity of the Count, you should realize that he had turned them into horcruxes), and the other demon monstr stuff I mentioned in the earlier post, although they didn't all come in at once. Now, deadly trickle by deadly trickle, the swarms grew and grew of deadly demon monster monster demon things, while the Count's speakers
blasphemously blared gangsta rap and Schönberg into those hallowed halls!
#$$%$##

The one exception to the general unanimity and determination in the Conclave (even Cellador and Ezzelyno were on board, as far as rsisting the Count was concerned) was Septon Joe. He only became a septon in the first place for the money; and God knows why he attended the Conclave at all. Probably he hoped to become High Septon, even though he lacked the most basic qualifications, so he could enjoy the emoluments and power. He was embittered at not being chosen and wanted to betray his colleagues; so he went around carrying a plastic knife between his teeth and
muttering murderous rants. Sadly, he was as insignificant as he was evil, and so weak that Swetrobin could beat him in a tourney and so stupid Hodor could beat him at chess, I mean cyvasse. Although he kept trying to threaten people, they took him for a mosquito.

Septon Joe: "Weyrde, I will rape thee!"
Weyrde: "Whatever."
Septon Joe: "I will destroy everyone! DIE!!!!!"
The few who noticed: "Whatever."
Everyone else: ""Whatever what?"
The few who noticed: "Oh nothing."

He wanted to take up Ramsay's offer; but Ramsay didn't notice, and if anything (probably not) SJ would been more a hindrance than a help. The audience thought he ws funny, though.

@##$$#@@
Showrunners: "Religion is dumb!"
Showrunner 1: "I read a book by Hitchens that proves it's dumb!"
Showrunner 2: "You read a book???? Traitor!!!!"
Showrunner 1: "It was the graphic novel version."
Showrunner 2: "Oh, that's OK then."
Showrunner 3: "What's a book?"

[Count Balerion]

Enlightened audience members: "Hodor isn't stupid! He's mentally challenged because Bran messed up the time travel."

Narrator: "Sorry, sorry! I meant ... if a person of normal capacity was beaten by Hodor at cyvasse he'd be stupid."

Audience: "Nice attempt at a save, Narry!"

Narrator: "Bother."