When victims become abusers: Where do you draw the line with empathy?

[deleted01]

Thanks for the responses, and for others sharing. Once again I appreciate the honesty of people here, and the general support.

I guess it's harder to feel sorry for someone when you 1) went through the same as they did (though I endured it for much longer and seemed to be worthy of worse treatment), and 2) have to then be subjected to the same thing by that person that we all hated and were glad to be rid of once my dad died. From the outside, sure it might be easier to be sympathetic. But having to deal with it every day, and having to deal with my own emotions and memories arising from it makes it extremely hard for me to be a better person.

Because I cut my dad out years before he died, I know I'm also capable of doing the same with my brother. Except that, deep down, I do still want to help him. He's mucking up his future with this bullshit, and it's just so frustrating. But I know that if it continues, it'll be easier for me to distance myself when I can. He's been turning from victim to abuser over the past few years, and I'm concerned for any women in his future. I sincerely hope he'll change his ways soon, for their sake if not for mine.

[Goddess Dictator]

I cannot get the quote button to work for me to save my life.

I understand completely Dracarya. I really do. And I hope your brother gets help. I hope you don't have to cut him out of your life.

But yes to those saying people are always worthy of sympathy, sometimes that's not true as much as I WISH it was true. And when it's someone who has abused YOU and doesn't care, it becomes nearly impossible. No matter how often says they'll change if they don't actually CHANGE there's always a point where you have to walk away. It sucks. But it's life.

[TrackerNeil]

But yes to those saying people are always worthy of sympathy, sometimes that's not true as much as I WISH it was true. And when it's someone who has abused YOU and doesn't care, it becomes nearly impossible. No matter how often says they'll change if they don't actually CHANGE there's always a point where you have to walk away. It sucks. But it's life.

I think it's important to remember that just because someone needs help does not mean he is ready to accept it.

[Goddess Dictator]

Agreed TrackerNeil. However, it isn't always your place to provide it. And then you have issues like my dad where... well help wouldn't actually help him, even if he was ready to accept it which he won't ever be. But leaving out people who are physically incapable of having emotions, yes people have to be ready to accept help before it does them any good.

[TrackerNeil]

Agreed TrackerNeil. However, it isn't always your place to provide it. And then you have issues like my dad where... well help wouldn't actually help him, even if he was ready to accept it which he won't ever be. But leaving out people who are physically incapable of having emotions, yes people have to be ready to accept help before it does them any good.

That's true, and I don't expect abuse victims to feel a great deal of sympathy, or any at all, towards their abusers. It's easy for me to feel sorry for someone who has done me no wrong; less so with those who have.

[Pebble thats Stubby]

Everybody deservs sympathy or maybe compassion for the bad things in their life. But that doesn't mean everyone should or can be sympathetic to everyone else. I certainly don't expect victims to offer such sympathy.

If someone has an incurrable condition that makes them a danger to be in the general population. Then yes they need to be removed until they no longer pose a danger (when they are too old and frail and in need of a nursing home or have died) That does not mean we should not have some compassion and make their imprissionment hell. I think we have a duty of care to those who will never be reliased from prision/mental hospital that goes beyond punishment.

Those that might be cureable with treatment should be given support and help to find a treatment that works for them and the encouragement to try. - Ideally a lot of this encouragement should be given by the abbusers friends and family not the abbused. Help should be available for free not just from the legal system but to any that seek it.

I think its right to reconginse that anger managment is not a quck fix. as long as the people seeking help genuilly want to change and put the effort in, yes they should be given sympathy, even when they slip back occassionaly while on the treatment. Thats not to say I in anyway condone what they do or think the abbused person should stay in their company. The victim deserves far more and should be in a safe environment. I also recognise that this does not always happen for a veriaty of reasons.

[Tellus Explorer]

I'm a living example that justice comes with a price and usually it's not a fair one. Sometimes, even when we are the victims we may feel guilty and decide to rather move on then get even with our abuser.

Also I believe once you differ what you believe is right and or wrong what you do, are your sole actions. You were a victim, however you have control of what you do and don't do. If you want to beat on some one or can’t control your own temper then there is no excuse for that. All that means is that you have created another victim, and continued a long cycle of pain and future suffering for the next person.

This is only my opinion based on experience.

[deleted01]

An insightful article that really resonated with me:

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/sep/17/adrian-peterson-fathers-effect-belt?CMP=fb_gu

[Glaurung]

I can find some empathy for abusers who used to be victims because I feel sorry for them regarding what they could have been and what they did become. It seems that a lot of victims of child abuse either grow up to be abusers themselves or they end up at the other end of the scale and are strongly against any sign of aggression that might border on abuse.

When we are children, we are developing our personalities, our fetishes, our desires, the very being of who we are. When we go through traumatic experiences(particularly abuse) during these stages of development, it can sometimes affect who we are as adults. A person's temperament I think can be affected by these experiences in their youth. So I can find some empathy for them because I wonder that maybe they could have become a good person had they had a different upbringing. Some people break away from this cycle and good for them, but not everybody does.... it's kind of like being born into poverty and getting stuck in that cycle/lifestyle. Some people are able to pull themselves up by the boot straps but many more fall into that cycle. That doesn't excuse the behavior of abusers. They should be treated as the criminals they are. But I also think that while they should be locked up, they should also be given treatment and a chance for rehabilitation so that maybe they can become a better person.

[Goddess Dictator]

An insightful article that really resonated with me:

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/sep/17/adrian-peterson-fathers-effect-belt?CMP=fb_gu

ok so the quote button works on my phone but not my computer wtf. oh well. I read this and thought it was

great and hit the mark as well. it's a good article.