The 'If ASoIaF Characters were sensible' thread (spoilers, naturally)

[Tommen]

Great Council: Want to be king?

Aemon Targaryen: Sure.

[~Shiera Seastar~]

Jon Arryn: Stop whoring, hunting, and drinking. Help me run the bloody kingdom and be the King you are aught to be.

King Bob: As you say, my beloved Hand.

[Ramsay Gimp]

Commander Mormont: I shall take the main strength of the Night's Watch into the great unknown, with Winter at our doorstep and zombies showing up!

Jon Snow (or anyone): Sir, that's dumb. We could very well all be slaughtered, and the Wall will be left open. Let's stay at our posts, where we can warn the Southerners if a great threat approaches.

[Baratheon3508]

Renly: You know what, I've got a pretty decent set up right now, I'm attractive, young, got nice clothes,am Lord of Storm's End, get to screw the most famous and attractive knight in Westeros whenever I like, don't have to get married and keep up pretenses, or do anything that would probably bore me to death like running a kingdom. You know what, maybe I should just not try and usurp the throne, marry myself to a girl I can never love, all for a Kingdom that I'd probably hate running anyway.

I should totally just carry on eating peaches with Loras and being happy :)

[Loon Lord]

Not sure if this has been mentioned before (not in the mood to read the full 10 pages of this) but there was absolutely no reason for Theon to be left in Winterfell when Ned goes south. He was Ned Stark's ward, as well as a hostage to ensure Balon's loyalty, which becomes a moot point the second that Ned is no longer around. If Balon had started another rebellion right after Ned had gotten to KL then they would have been relying on Robb to perform the King's justice to keep Balon loyal. There was absolutely no way that Robb was going to behead one of his best friends because his father had invaded. The only logical course of action is for Theon to go with Ned and Robert. The series would have been very different had this been realized.

[Myrish Swamp Thing]

Cersei: He saw us... he saw us!!!

Jaime: I heard you the first time. (turns to Bran) Kid, sometimes, when a man and a woman love each other very much...

Bran: :blink: :blink: :blink: :ack: :ack:

[Claire of House Thorpe]

Ned: Cersei, I know the truth about your children. You and Jaime should take them and leave now. I'll take the heat from old King Bob.

Cersei: ok.

[Eternally_Theirs]

Bowen Marsh: For the Watch!

Jon: Um, excuse me, what kind of watch? Sun watch? Moon Watch? Morning Watch?

Bowen: Night's Watch

Jon: I wasn't aware that such a thing existed. And since I am not aware it existed, you can't proceed.

Bowen: .......

Jon: Guards! Those five planned the assassination! Take them to icy cells! I will execute them myself!

************************************************

Joffrey: Look, it's your father.

Sansa: What kind of nonsense are you sprouting? That isn't my father. My father is safe and sound on his way to the Wall. That, my lord, is some lowly peasant you executed.

*door open, enter Varys and Sandor*

Varys: She is right, my lord. I helped Lord Eddard go safe and sound. Your mother cooperated very well, thus removing the risk of civil war. The Hound here opened the gates for him to ride through on your mother's insistence. Four of us were in it together. It was for the realm.

Sansa: As is this. Remember your sword, Widow's Cry? It will make one woman widow tonight, which is me.

***************************************

(Winterfell)

Theon: All men must die. *hacks Ramsay to pieces and flays a bit of his skin off* This, I shall keep as a token of my loyalty to STARKS!!!!!

**************

Roose Bolton: Jaime Lannister sends his regards. *pause* Wait, a doll?! I just killed a doll replica of Robb?! Then where is real Robb?!

All Starks and loyalists, Edmure + Roslin: *all wielding sharp blades* Worry not about him. Worry about us.

Roose: Uh-Oh.

[Ürglõvi]

Such a fun thread :lol:

Jaime: There is no way in seven hells I'm going to make excuses for killing the mad king... but I should probably tell someone about all the wildfire stacked in the city. Anything could happen.

***

Tywin: Crofter's daughter... seriously? But if she is going to keep Tyrion out of the way, out of trouble and most importantly, away from Casterly Rock, what more could I ask for? "Here Tyrion, have a small castle, bunch of gold and I don't want to hear from either of you ever again. You are not going to inherit the Rock."

Tyrion: "Oh... well, whatever."

***

Cersei: I should try for a fourth child, just in case. Maybe with Robert , to fend off any suspicion.

***

Jaime: *Catches falling Bran* "Does your mother know you are up here?"

Bran: *sheepish grin*

Jaime: "Well, I won't tell if you won't."

***

Ned: Cersei has been cheating on Robert... I need to find a way to make sure he won't kill the children, but first I'm going to send my daughters home.

... and many more.

[King of Winters]

Robb- ASOS

Hmmm. Maybe I shouldn't have married Jeyne Westerling and gone against Walder Frey, who is known for being treacherous. Oh well, I'll just assume he's forgiven me. Now lets go and have a great family wedding

Joffrey- AGOT-ASOS

Maybe I am the biggest c*unt in the Realm

Dany- AGOT

Should I trust a woman, who's temple my people have just burned down and who's village and life have been destroyed by order of my husband, to help my husband's wound and trust completely?

Tyrion-

Maybe I should ask Littlefinger, who owns a brothel, where whores go

[Queen of Whores]

Robert: Eddard of the House Stark, I would make you the Hand of the King.

Eddard: Ahh, yeah, thanks anyway Robert, but I'm kinda more comfortable up here in Winterfell.

Robert: Well, okay then Ned, you're my dearest friend, and I'll respect your wishes. Goodbye.

Jaime: Hey Sis, see that tower up there? Let's get up there and fuck.

Cersei: Yeah, sorry, I have my Moon's Blood, how about we just wait till we get back to King's Landing?

Jaime: Yeah, that sounds smart. And I would never want to fuck you while you were having your Moon's Blood. That's just wrong.

Viserys: How long until Drogo gives me my army?

Jorah: Perhaps you'll be more comfortable back in Pentos, You're Grace.

Viserys: Actually, you're right Mormont. Alright, see you later. Tell Dany and Drogo I said bye.

Ramsay: Now I want what was promised. I want the woman you promised me.

Theon: Ahh, yeah, about that. See, I kinda want her just for myself, so...

Ramsay: Oh, okay. Yeah that's cool I guess. I'll just head over to a brothel. See you Greyjoy. Good luck with your campaign.

Jeyne: Hey handsome, want a night of fun?

Robb: Is that a mole on your face? Yuk, no way. This Roslin Frey sounds way hotter than you. See ya.

Oberyn: SAY HER - Actually, you know what? Screw this. Elia will understand.

* Stabs Gregor through the eye *

Oberyn: Well, now that that's done, how about I go and have some drinks with Tyrion before we both leave for Dorne for some serious partying?

Missandai: What will you do You're Grace?

Dany: Well I was thinking that to be a good queen... Ya know what? Fuck it. Let's just set sail for Westeros tomorrow. Jorah, Barristan! My favorite knights in the world, get your asses over here. We're going on a trip!

[WinterKing]

Victarion: I think that I will accept Asha's offer, so I win in the kingsmoot and not that crazy Euron.

[Independent George]

ROBERT: Aerys' old Kinguard is dissolved. Barristan, I name you Lord Commander, and charge you to appoint the finest knights in the realm to my new Kingsguard.

NED: You know, Jaime just killed the last king. I don't feel comfortable keeping him on the Kingsguard.

BARRISTAN: Agreed. I really don't want him on my kingsguard, either.

TYWIN: All these years later, I'm still angry that Aerys robbed my of my heir by appointing Jaime to the Kingsguard. I wish would return to Casterly Rock as my heir instead of serving on this Robert's new Kingsguard, wholly unrelated to Aerys' old one.

JON: Oh, if only there were a way to remove Jaime from the Kingsguard in such a way that it is not interpreted as a rebuke, thus keeping him far away from our new and frankly stupid King, while also securing Tywin Lannister's support. Alas, I cannot see any solution to these clearly mutually exclusive outcomes!

[shiola]

Renly: You know, aren't we all against the Lannisters?

Stannis: Well... Yeah... I guess.

Renly: Why don't we combine our forces, and destroy them, and then we can decide who will sit the iron throne after that, through diplomacy?

Robb: Sounds the best way to do it, really.

Thiiiis one, 100%, I think of it all the time

[Pod The Impaler]

HIGH SEPTON (at Robert and Cersei's wedding): And does anyone present have a reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony?

JAIME: Actually, Septon, come here for a second. ... *whisper whisper*

HIGH SEPTON: Seven hells ! This ceremony is over !

[Huscarl]

Instead of going to Storm's End and confronting Renly, what if Stannis decides to utilize his naval forces in hit-and-run attacks? Blockade King's Landing, seize any ship that's affiliated with Joffrey's regime to bankroll and strengthen his position, and try to establish an alliance with the Starks and Renly to oust the Lannisters.

And if Stannis gets word of the wildling assault at the Wall, he gathers his forces to Eastwatch to protect the realm. Wouldn't this boost his reputation while Stannis proceeds to offer the defeated wildlings sanctuary in exchange for defending the Wall while ousting the Ironborn occupying the North? Robb and his Northmen would respect Stannis and be indebted for what he's done. Roose and Ramsay would be wary that Stannis and his forces are in the North.

Meanwhile, Renly and his Reach-Stormlands army is on its way to King's Landing while Robb is winning battles in the Riverlands and the Westerlands.

[Parwan]

Xaro: I will give you thirteen ships.

Dany: I will take three hundred.

Xaro: Wah, boohoo, my dear friend has gone crazy! Pah, pah, I say!

Dany: Did you ever hear of negotiating, buster?

Groleo: We must take these ships.

Dany: I'd watch it with the "must" business, friend. You may wind up being the first hostage I provide to the Yunkai'i. Besides, I'm angling to get more ships. These guys are obviously scared shitless of dragons. They'll come across with a bigger number if I stick to my crossbows. And it's only Xaro's buddies in the mix so far. There are lots of other people out there who'd like to see the last of me. Let's look at some other offers.

Jhiqui: Thirteen is a bad number, Khaleesi.

Dany: Righto, that's why I'm asking for more.

Xaro: Sob, boohoo, my love, whom I should have killed when she was in my house, is not being reasonable about the thirteen ships.

Dany: Look, this is how it goes: You put forth a totally inadequate number. I respond with a ridiculously high number. You come up a bit. I come down a bit. And so on. Get the picture? Besides, your "poor city" comment is garbage. I have a ton of money, and the jerks who used to run things around here have even more. I can buy ships. The jerks should be willing to buy a few, just to get rid of me. Then there are sellsails and guys like that out there, all kinds of people who might like to get in on the action. My prospects for winning in Westeros have improved a good bit since you were my "gracious host."

Ser Barristan: The realm will rise for Rhaegar's sister.

Dany: They'll rise faster and harder if I have a bigger fleet.

Xaro: Sob, boohoo.

Dany: Did you guys study negotiating strategy at the Dothraki School of Diplomacy? Don't you know anything about making a counter offer? I'm the same character I was a thousand or so pages back there--the one who wanted 1/3 of all the ships in the world for one dragon. Why do you think I'd settle for thirteen lousy vehicles when I need a lot more?

[Claire of House Thorpe]

Tyrion: Due to me leading the fight against Stannis at Blackwater Bay, I’d like to have Casterly Rock.

Tywin: Sure.

Ned: Hmmm…Joffrey doesn’t have dark hair…I know that someone needs to know about this…(picks up cell phone) Hello, Westeros Inquirer? I have some news that will blow your mind…

Joffrey: I’m telling mother!

Tyrion: Oh, go right ahead! I’m sure she’ll take your side.

(Later…)

Joffrey: Mother, Uncle Tyrion slapped me…(Cersei slaps him) What was that for?

Cersei: Disrespecting your uncle. Now, go apologize to him!

Roose: Jaime Lannister sends his regards.

Robb: Uh, did you actually speak to Jaime?

Roose: Not really.

Robb: Then if you haven’t spoken to Jaime, then how can you send me his regards? (pulls out sword and prepares to chop Roose’s head off)

Roose: Oh crap!

(What if the fight at the Trident never happened?)

Varys: My king, urgent news from Storm’s End…

Rhaegar: Yes, Lord Varys?

Varys: Lord Robert Baratheon has been killed in a hunting accident…

Random person: I’m glad he’s not the king.

[EnergeticCrab]

Robert's Deathbed: Game of Thrones

Robert: Out all of ya! Ned, stay. I need you to write down my last will and testament concerning the succession after my death.

Ned: Actually, it might be a good idea to have everyone stay. And bring in the rest of The Small Council as well

Robert: Why the hell would I do that? *coughs*

Ned: Well, what you are about to say will determine the restructuring of Westerosi political power and the future of your royal line. Isn't it somewhat important that you have at least a few important people here to bear witness to your last few decrees as King?

Robert: Damnit Ned, you have a point. I guess I should have other people present for this.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Ned, after discovering the truth about Cersei and Jamie.

Ned: Well, I certainly shouldn't tell Cersei about what I've found out. In fact, I'll sit on this revelation, get my daughters back to Winterfell, and go find Robert. He will definitely want to know about this.

________________________________________________________________________________________

Dany, when Khal Drogo gets injured: Game of Thrones

Dany: You are hurt, my sun and stars

Drogo: This is only the bite of a fly

Dany: Still, you don't know where that arakh has been. The wound could fester.

Mirri Daz Muur: I could treat the wound. I am practiced in the healing arts, and have cured many illnesses among my people/

Random Bloodrider: Khaleesi, this woman is maegi. Dont let her dress the blood of my blood's wound.

Dany: You know what? You're right. Given the time it took for me to arrive at the village my sun and stars sacked, she was probably raped several times before I arrived to stop it. Not to mention his khalasar just slaughtered or enslaved everyone she ever knew, loved, or otherwise had affection for. Go away Mirri. We don't need your help to wash and stitch a wound.

More to come

Paret of the reason Drogo's wound festered was because he tore it off and drank fermented mare's milk- both of which MMD suggested AGAINST. The show kind of makes it seem like she poisoned Khal Drogo, but in the books he basically did it too himself.

[Honey Bee]

-Robert Baratheon, wedding night, whilst in bed with Cersei

Robert "Oh Cersei"

-Jaime & Cersei, Winterfell, inside the tower

Jaime: I need to have you now!

Cersei: We better close the shutters first. Wouldn't want anyone to see!

These right here.