Goodkind XXII: Better than Newcomb and Stanek

[danro]

Okay. This suddenly reminds me: What kind of interviewers are asking these questions?

Maybe the interviewer didn't think there was much he could add to:

"Arthur, who?"

I mean, does it get any better than that?

[WLU]

Maybe the interviewer didn't think there was much he could add to:

"Arthur, who?"

I mean, does it get any better than that?

The only thing better than that is a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

[word]

Oh sorry the reference to MBotF was earlier in this thread I mentioned that I had just started reading it. My first post I believe, and you had said to tell you what I thought after the first couple books or some such nonsense. As for the Drefan thing, in TotW Drefan felt up Cara and told Kahlan it was to make sure the wizard hadn't incapacitated her by giving her constant orgasms. Or something like that.

Edit: Just noticed noticed I wrote Kara on accident.

[word]

Okay so I found the Drefan thing in a shitty PDF file that has like 7 of the books. So I apologize in advance for any typos or poor formatting, I'm copying and pasting it straight from there.

First a little bit of background...

Wizard Marlin walks into the Palace and tells everybody hes going to kill Dick. Kahlan and Cara capture him and put him in the basement. Jagangbang proceeds to go into Merlin's mind and take control of him, and then attack everybody. Cara is lying there unconcious, and Nadine is doing a shitty job helping her because her boobs arent large enough.

Okay here goes, time to witness the awesomess that is Tairy(BBHN):

He ignored the apology and pointed. "Undo the buttons and open the top of her outfit."

"Why?" Nadine asked.

"Do it! Or do you favor watching her die? She can't hold on much longer." Nadine leaned forward and began

undoing the row of little red leather buttons along the side of Cara's ribs. When she finished, he gestured for

her to open it. Nadine glanced up at Kahlan. Kahlan gave her a nod, and she pulled back the supple leather,

exposing Cara's chest.

"May I ask your name?" Kahlan asked him.

"Drefan." Instead of asking hers, he put an ear to the center of Cara's chest, listening.

He shifted around, forcing Kahlan to scoot out of the way, until he was at Cara's head. He briefly inspected

the bloody wound above her left ear, and then, seeming to dismiss it as unimportant, went on to

systematically probe the base of her neck. Kahlan could only see the side of his deep cowl, and nothing of his face.

The single torch didn't providemuch light, anyway. Drefan leaned forward and gripped Cara's breasts in his big hands.

Kahlan sat up straighter. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Examining her."

"Is that what you call it." He sat back on his heels. "Feel her breasts."

"Why?"

"To see what I discovered." Kahlan finally turned from the shadow of his cowl and, rather than grabbing her as he had, put

the back of her fingers against the side of Cara's left breast. It was hot-burning with a fever. She felt the other. It was ice

cold. When Drefan gestured, Nadine followed suit.

"What does it mean?" she asked.

"I'd like to reserve judgment until I've finished examining her, but it's not good."

He put his fingers to the side of her neck, feeling her pulse again. He ran his thumbs outward along her

forehead. He tent and put his ear to each of hers. He smelled her breath. He carefully lifted her head and

rotated it. He spread her arms out to the sides, pulled the red leather outfit open further so that Cara's torso

was naked to her waist, and then bent over her and palpated her abdomen and up under her ribs.

With his head bent as if in concentration, he touched his fingers to the front of her shoulders for a moment,

the sides of her neck, the base of her skull, her temples, several places on her ribs, and lastly to the palms

of her hands.

Kahlan was getting impatient. She was seeing a lot of probing and prodding, but very little healing. "Well?"

"Her aura is seriously snarled," he said, as he brazenly thrust a big hand under the red leather at Cara's

waist. Kahlan watched in stunned disbelief as his hand slid down to her crotch. She could see his fingers under the

tight leather as he worked them into her sex. Hard as she could, Kahlan fisted him on the nerve at the side of his upper arm.

He recoiled in pain. He fell to the side of his hip with a groan, covering his arm where she had clouted him.

"I told you, this is an important woman! How dare you grope her like that! I won't have it, do you

understand?"

"I wasn't groping her," he growled

The heat was still in Kahlan's voice "Then what do you call it?"

"I was trying to determine what this dreamwalker has done to her. He's greatly disturbed her auras, her energy flows,

confusing her mind's control of her body. 'She's not in convulsions, precisely. She's having uncontrolled muscular contractions.

I was checking to make sure that he hadn't triggered the part of her brain that controls excitement. I was making sure that he

hadn't put her in a state of continual orgasm. I have to know the extent of the blocks and triggers he's disturbed so that I know

how to reverse it."

I would be pretty surprised if this wasn't a QotD before but I just don't remember seeing it when I went through the Goodkind threads the last couple weeks.

[The Real Will]

And what the hell are you alluding to with the Drefan comment? I think I must take action on this:

<summon: The Mad Moose>I invoke your power to offer up a new Quote of the Day! Let us sacrifice good taste on the bloodied altar of common sense yet again, like days of yore!</summon>

I only remember TotW very vaguely, but from what I can recall it was every bit disturbing as it sounds... I think there may have been some suggestion that it was really on Drefran being a pervert, though I could be way off.

Something that occurred to me earlier today was that Goodkind's sexual maturity is actually roughly on par with that of a particularly horny twelve year old. The fact is (thinly) disguised by the sheer heights of perversion and violence that the man manges to inject into the sexual content of his writing, but he does come off like someone trying to describe his wild imaginings of sex without actually ever having had any.

Case in point, Nicci's bare breasted march. Now, of course there is the fact that it is obviously just an excuse to describe the magnificence of Nicci's bosom, but I think it goes even a step beyond that. You see there is also the concept that breasts are so amazingly magical, and have such hypnotic powers over men that they can effectively render any man witnessing them to fall into a zombie like trance. I too would have believed this once... when I was approximately twelve years old. Coupled with this (pardon the pun) is the fact that we have generally been informed that the men involved here are habitual and casual rapists. I'm not an expert on the topic but I have a suspicion that desensitisation to the wonder of naked women would be far more pronounced in such men than in most people.

It's been said before, but every scene which even discusses sex reads like a bad porn script. They either involve ridiculously sexually aggressive women neigh on forcing Richard into compromising positions (cf. Nicci forcing Richard to watch her have sex and that girl setting Richard up to catch her having sex with his brother in order to win Richard's affections) or hugely brutal men. The first type of scene is especially interesting when you consider Richard as a surrogate Goodkind since it allows kinky sex to be forced upon him without him having to take any risk or responsibility. I don't know about anyone else, but this pretty much describes teenage sexual fantasies for me.

Finally, I'm not sure that Goodkind understands what a female body looks like or even vaguely how it works since I have little doubt that Namble Sex would kill a person if it were tried in real life... Actually, sex with anything barbed can't possibly be good for you.

Nipple magic, molestation, endless almost-rape, Richard's Mord-Sith abuse, healing insertations, Klan's naked charge, red leather, Drefran and the prostitutes, all of Jegang's interactions with his slaves, general Mord-Sith nudity...

What I'm trying to say is that I think Goodkind is having sex at a 6th grade level. Is the man, in fact, a virgin, and if so, can we get him laid. I think it would be a blessing for the entire world.

ETA: To comment on Word's quote. Again we have a male character who is forced to grope a woman sexually through no desire of his own. It is both gratuitous and prudish at the same time and strikes me as hugely juvenile... Also, when, outside of porn, does an evil magician kill a woman by giving her perpetual orgasms. Is this man 12?

[danro]

What I'm trying to say is that I think Goodkind is having sex at a 6th grade level. Is the man, in fact, a virgin, and if so, can we get him laid. I think it would be a blessing for the entire world.

The entire world minus one unlucky person...

[danro]

Also, when, outside of porn, does an evil magician kill a woman by giving her perpetual orgasms. Is this man 12?

I don´t know about that one. Does Barbarella count as porn?

[The Real Will]

I don´t know about that one. Does Barbarella count as porn?

Umm... Quite possibly, yes... Although with infinitely more class than Goodkind ever managed.

[Tormund Ukrainesbane]

Isn't orgasm in french literally "little death?". We all know that Tairy would never, ever choose death. Particularly not in a pinko commie french way.

[Red Templar]

Awsome stuff - the three W's are on fire today. Well done, fellow lemmings. As Tairy would say: you three truly put the "w" in "lemming of discord."

[Piper]

Great job, all around! WLU, you should print out copies of your rants essays and tape them to the front cover of Goodkind books at random bookstores.

Ok, TG23 is coming up. I will again put forward my title suggestion:

Goodkind XXIII: Spines? We don't need no stinking spines!

[word]

GOODKIND XXIII: I recommend you start drinking heavily.

GOODKIND XXIII: Talk to the Orifice.

GOODKIND XXIII: Atlas stepped on Ayn Rand's face.

subtitle: When asked why, he shrugged.

[Jaxom 1974]

I think that given his volume of output (11 fairly large books) and status as a recognized best-seller, we really don't have much to work with. It looks like he's only had a couple interviews with recognized agencies or publishers, and aside from that it's just the soft-ball plant-style interviews (everyone remember the 'this is an example of an excellent question' line?) on TG.net/com, which he has either ceased giving due to embarassement or public perception, or are now sealed and available only to his syncophants. And it's all our fault, we did our job too well.

And yet Kirkus Review aren't TG Synchophants. What the hell were they thinking??? And yes, I'm still stuck on that.

Maybe the interviewer didn't think there was much he could add to:

"Arthur, who?"

And yet, if it was an interviewer worth any salt at all, he'd've followed this up. I can't imagine Pat or Stego or kcf or dylanfantic not following up with the obvious question if they had TG in a chair and he responded with such an assinine response. It demands follow up!

Published, best selling jackanape he might be, but movements like the lemmings can only hope to bring the discredit to the man he's due.

[WLU]

Awsome stuff - the three W's are on fire today. Well done, fellow lemmings. As Tairy would say: you three truly put the "w" in "lemming of discord."

I think, given the flaming nature of the collective that is the 23rd letter of the alphabet and the 23rd thread is coming up, that should be the name of said thread.

Goodkind XXIII: Putting the W in 'Lemming of Discord'.

Gives me chills it does.

Edit: Just noticed noticed I wrote Kara on accident.

Doesn't matter, Goodkind's female characters are all interchangeable sex robots.

I would be pretty surprised if this wasn't a QotD before but I just don't remember seeing it when I went through the Goodkind threads the last couple weeks.

Ya, new to me and I'd remember something that resets the absurdometer that high. Off the charts. Absurdometer now goes to 11.

Something that occurred to me earlier today was that Goodkind's sexual maturity is actually roughly on par with that of a particularly horny twelve year old...Case in point, Nicci's bare breasted march. Now, of course there is the fact that it is obviously just an excuse to describe the magnificence of Nicci's bosom, but I think it goes even a step beyond that. You see there is also the concept that breasts are so amazingly magical, and have such hypnotic powers over men that they can effectively render any man witnessing them to fall into a zombie like trance.

Anyone read the Xanth novels? Eerie parallels, perhaps this is where Goodkind got his sex-ed from. He get schooled by nuns after all. Pun intended.

They either involve ridiculously sexually aggressive women nigh (Corrected spelling, unless there is something I should know about Richard/Tairy's relationship with horses- WLU) on forcing Richard into compromising positions...Finally, I'm not sure that Goodkind understands what a female body looks like or even vaguely how it works since I have little doubt that Namble Sex would kill a person if it were tried in real life... Actually, sex with anything barbed can't possibly be good for you.

ETA: To comment on Word's quote. Again we have a male character who is forced to grope a woman sexually through no desire of his own. It is both gratuitous and prudish at the same time and strikes me as hugely juvenile... Also, when, outside of porn, does an evil magician kill a woman by giving her perpetual orgasms. Is this man 12?

I'm forwarding all subsequent Freudian analysis hitherto extant, and in the future, to Will's capable hands. Like watching a forensic psychiatrist at work it is. A mean one, with teeth. Danro's comment = awesome BTW. (I know extant and hitherto mean the same thing, I just like using them in print)

I had to look up Drefan on wikipedia to figure out who he was - didn't realize it was evil half-brother#3 (2? 4? I've lost track). Personally I love how his death is written up on the wikipage- it's actually worth quoting its entirety:

With the book, Kahlan returns to Aydindril, but a battle ensues with Drefan, and she is unable to defeat him. Luckily, Richard arrives and disables (with prejudice, ha! - WLU) Drefan, who is later killed by the sliph. Kahlan destroys the book, and Richard is cured of the plague.

The bad grammar, the almost euphamistic skipping over of HOW he was disabled, the passive voice, it's awesome. Then Shota shows up (brought to you by K-PLOT, magic radio station of the Midlands!) and doles out some plot-shoving bullshit about their devilbaby. Mystar - if since you're lurking, it should read "Klan returns to Aydindril with the book, where she encounters and is defeated by Drefan. Richard arrives in time to save her and disable Drefan, who is then killed by the sliph." I'd correct it, but unfortunately I'm blocked from editing the SoT pages. Aw, now it has to stay up, looking like it was written by three retarded chimpanzees on second-hand typewriters.

And yet Kirkus Review aren't TG Synchophants. What the hell were they thinking??? And yes, I'm still stuck on that.

Don't lose it. The hate is swelling in you now like a giant Thing. I can feel your anger. Use your aggressive feelings! Let the hate flow through you! Strike the Yeard down with all of your hatred, and your journey towards the Lemming Side will be complete! I'm looking forward to completing your training. In time, I will call you 'my Bitch.' (Thanks to Emperor Palpatine for that one)

How have we NOT had a Star Wars parody yet? My God!!!!! We aren't lemmings of discord, we are echidnas of disagreement! Oh the shame...

And yet, if it was an interviewer worth any salt at all, he'd've followed this up. I can't imagine Pat or Stego or kcf or dylanfantic not following up with the obvious question if they had TG in a chair and he responded with such an assinine response. It demands follow up!

There's many things we'd all love to do to Tairy were he in a chair. Preferrably tied up, with no eyelids. Pliers and a blowtorch. And of course, a big ol' barbed cock. Perhaps hire some of the professional rapists that the Yeardites have doubtless been training for use in the justice system when they bring down the government. Yeardite militia. Ha! Frightening in theory, amusingly incompetent in practice.

Published, best selling jackanape he might be, but movements like the lemmings can only hope to bring the discredit to the man he's due.

There's no way we can do more damage than the man has done to himself. Suicidal tarrasque, I'm telling you.

Goodkind XXIII: Putting the W in 'Lemming of Discord'.

Subtitles: Subtle as Brazilian waxing

- We still spell better than Mystar!

- At this point you may have realized that we are not fans.

- Gave into our filthy perversions in Goodkind XIII

- Now with interchangeable sex robots!

- The Goodkind threads go to 11

- Started drinking at Goodkind V, cirrhosis by X, first transplant by XV and batting for third by XXII (too long? It's too long, isn't it.)

You know you love it. Vote my minions, vote!

[The Real Will]

nigh (Corrected spelling, unless there is something I should know about Richard/Tairy's relationship with horses- WLU)

All you need to know is that horses are very gentle creatures with a lot of love to give.

[word]

Drefan also is the one who gets his spine ripped out and keeps fighting. He was not a wizard of any sort, nor did he have any magical abilities. I was doing a search through the document by typing the word "spine" to see if Drefan said any thing when he stood up spineless, but he didn't. I did find out funny however that the first mention of "spine" I found was this:

Brogan shrugged. "That be the way with banelings; they be drawn to the Blood of the Fold like moths to a

flame. They be bold because they have faith in their evil master." He glanced again to the woman cringing in

the corner. "But they all lose their spines when facing justice from the Blood of the Fold. This one will be a

small trophy, but the Creator will be served by it."

Apparently Dick isn't the only one who likes to rip out spines!

Does anybody else besides me think the way Tairy makes the Blood of the Fold speak is the way he actually speaks? Or maybe he just copied it off Ilianer's from WoT. Except that the white cloaks are in Amadica. Hmmm...

ETA: And yes I know that hes talking about losing their spine in a figurative sense, but it is so much better if you imagine that he actually ripped out her spine and is going to give it to the creator as a trophy.

[Piper]

How have we NOT had a Star Wars parody yet? My God!!!!! We aren't lemmings of discord, we are echidnas of disagreement! Oh the shame...

As funny as "echidnas of disagreement" is, it has been done.

[Red Templar]

The discordant speller in me has to go with this one:

Goodkind XXIII: Putting the W in 'Lemming of Discord'.

However, for the subtitle, I submit this as my recommendation:

Keeping the land free fwom the tywannical wule of grammar.

[WLU]

All you need to know is that horses are very gentle creatures with a lot of love to give.

I'm not sure if I should laugh or be disgusted. OK, both. :sick:

You know what we haven't had in a while?

Unusual in a Goodkind thread.

As funny as "echidnas of disagreement" is, it has been done.

Fuck me, I've all the celery of a carrot patch. I knew it was too good to be true. Ah well, that's far superior to anything I could have written and I'm glad I re-read it. Who wrote it BTW, there's no attribution and I'd like to give them a

However, for the subtitle, I submit this as my recommendation:

Keeping the land free fwom the tywannical wule of grammar.

Those're spelling errors, not grammar. Ha! Got your celery, to the carrot patch with you.

Well that's just not going to catch on, is it?

Your linguistic point made me think of this as a subtitle:

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Yeardii Maine wgah'nagl fhtagn

...the Thing cannot be described, but it is called the green, sticky spawn of the stars, with flabby man-boobs and an awful squid-yeard with writhing yeardlets; a mountain that wrote with stumbling phrases and horrific grammar...

[Moosicus]

Hmm, I think I must have got hung up on Drefan's spineless attack and his slaughter of the hooker, still, I shouldn't have missed Drefan's little dip. Shame on me. But it was in the early days, when celery was new.

regarding the "what are the Arthurian legends" crap, I'm pretty sure that was just another Q&A on TGToady.net, nobody else would let that pass. Just he who shall not be named. It makes me wonder if he's ever heard of Jesus?

Question from drooling shitwit: 'Mr. Goodkind, I love your books and they are an inspiration to me in my everyday life. Whenever faced with a difficult decision I think to myself "what would Richard do?" I used to think about Jesus in the same way. Tell me, do you think Richard is like Jesus? Would you consider Richard to be a Messianic character?'

Answer from King Cockstain: 'I'm glad you like my books, be sure and savour every word in Confessor, don't read it too quickly. Regarding your question, I'm not sure who this "Jesus" is, I've never heard of him. As for being a messi..mes...Well, the world is a messy place, and Richard is the type of character that is there to clean it up, in a way. To provide a shining example of a world free of mess. So, yes, you...."

Interuption from mystar: "THIS INTRAVEW IS OFER!!!!!"