Word by Word Story - Volume 45

[First of My Name]

Fin.

Well done people. A work of art.

[The Killer Snark]

A masterpiece, I think, of some description. I'm just not sure of what yet. Metinks 'twould give Finnegan's Wake a run for its money, but took seventeen years less to write.

[First of My Name]

Christ this thread took a long time. Both the longest and the slowest story ever.

1 minute ago, The Killer Snark said:

A masterpiece, I think, of some description. I'm just not sure of what, yet. Would give Finnegan's Wake a run for its money, methinks, but finished seventeen years less.

There's just nothing else like it in all the literary world.

 

If someone else could start the next thread, that'd be great.

[rocksniffer]

well done friends...i shall type up story for the ages so it will be recorded in its entirety for all time...tomorrow  tonight....

 

well a little weed lubed up the fingers and i did it tonight...behold, and weep for the beauty of it

 

[rocksniffer]

 ...and for your reading pleasure, i give you...

 

Stannis, Wookies, and the Nub-Sack:  An Erotic Musical and Tour de Force

 

Explosives were placed near pay toilets. Luckily, chickens laid eggs and didn’t use electronic devices, so the chickens couldn’t communicate with Stannis. Selyse ate every chicken she could find. Shockingly Stannis used the Force solely and impressively to preserve chastity. Littlefinger objected to objects being objectified by circus clowns, who made love to space monkeys. Inevitably a herd of walruses commenced in a battle royale. After a three-month-long struggle, the lone survivor was crowned and declared Emperor of Everything. Even though Stannis objected, Selyse bought a double-ended, neon green humongously large dildo to use instead of bubblegum to plug Tyrion’s leaky prostate.

Shae wasn’t too pleased with the result of the blood tests on her baby.  It turned out the father was Pate, the whipping boy. This inevitably led to shingles, acne, and elderly-onset baldness, which was confusing to all involved parties. Counterrevolutionaries misquoted legendary philosophers in order to cancel their subscriptions to Parade Magazine. Without warning, stormtroopers power slide into third base at Wrigley Stadium. Sadly the Cubs aren’t as precise and strike out with incredibly sexy women. That is, until an odd-looking spaceship suddenly appeared in the sky, firing doughnuts with sprinkles. Meanwhile Stannis sang Hooked on a Feeling in a duet with Selyse. They twerked and scared off respectable businessmen. Soon it became apparent that it had been a mistake to save money by using self-milking goats. Milk. Milk everywhere, causes dairy maids despair and governments to collapse from the weight of their collective milk moustaches.

The milk transformed into methane while traveling deep into the stratosphere of Planetos, rendering vomit the only source of food served at every restaurant in existence. Discerning diners have decided to ban health inspectors from their properties. Stannis understood the costs associated with smokeless tobacco products and resorted to selling his own brand of stimulant that he named Big Baratheon Chew. It became an instant hit among worshipers of Cthulhu and Tyrion’s newly formed baseball team. After years of preparation the crucial day arrived, on which the baseball team played against the Harlem Globetrotters blindfolded with condoms. Victory was their only option because Stannis swore that the loser would experience Melisandre’s wrath, and everyone knew that meant a flaming wedgie was about to explode. The game lasted several days because blindfolded players kept walking into walls and dying.

Eventually Melisandre got bored and set the outfield on fire. She burned all the players at the stake, causing hardcore fans to throw up into their collectable coke cups featuring naked Santa holding his naughty or nice list as Stannis did the Macarena in a lavender purple tutu. No one noticed because they were distracted by a naked Queen stumbling through the streets, even the septons had forgotten how to do the Macarena. As celibates, the septons weren’t experienced with anything, really. That’s why religiosity makes so many mistakes. This made Lancel confused as his guilty conscience impeded his sexual pleasure with Cersei. She left him for a horse, a Clydesdale in fact. Sadly the Clydesdale left Cersei because someone ordered a case of Budweiser.

Cersei’s reaction was to find a khalasar. To accomplish this, she took lessons in Dothraki.  After months of hard study, her efforts paid off and she wedded Khal Drogo in a field of barbaric splendor. All of the great lords assembled to drink and curse the name of Busch. Meanwhile Stannis grinded his teeth while having sex with Spock and posting comments on his lust for Melisandre. Even the smallfolk were stunned by the amount of porn on his sigil, which was less than Mooseport had given his wife on his wedding day. Luckily the council felt this erotic display of heraldry needed lubing satisfactory for the coming of the king. When the king came, the queen was unsatisfied with his rancid flatulence so much so that she put him out in the snow.

Stannis kept himself warm by lighting scented candles. And the methane of flatulence raised the global temperature by methane increase as methane is a stronger greenhouse gas than co2. Once temperatures were high enough the snow melted and he realized he was standing in a huge pile of dragon dung flavored with spices made from the tears of riders without rectums. Though the riders did not have rectums, they managed to defecate through write-in ballots. This confused the ancient people of Uranus, who believed in the sanctity of cock fighting to solve constipation issues, but of course this merely got the cocks to smell like shit. Happily, eunuchs smelled of rainbows and butterflies.

Meanwhile, Stannis decided to invade Antartica, and in doing so he woke the Yeti who challenged him to an arm-wrestling match. Stannis spent three hours a day practicing with his wife to conceive sons. Unfortunately it wasn’t very erotic when Stannis remembered his obligation to fry onions with Davos by moonlight. While frying onions, Stannis became high on the onion steam, and he and Davos ended up stripped naked and swimming in the Godswood. Davos choked on Stannis’ toasted nuts which were spiced with coriander and man-juice that dribbled past the end of a malformed fetus.

The High Septon was outraged over the increase of his cable bill. After that, Lady StoneHeart started selling tickets to a pancake breakfast to raise money for the Frey family. An Imperial envoy arrived at King’s Landing and was greeted by Luk, Leia, and Han serving a steaming bowl of brown. Hot Pie, the King in his own imagination boarded the Millennium Falcon and proceeded to bake treats for Chewie’s extended family. The treats featured hallucinogenic mushrooms, which caused the entire Wookie race to become obsessed with finding matching pajama bottoms. Luke then boarded yet another death star to unarm its tracking device so that Jar Jar Binks could find them and ruin his credit rating.

“This makes no sense,” said Donald Trump, while he was fluffing his “hair” and adjusting his package. And he began to cry. The Wookie was still strung out thinking about those pajama bottoms.

“Wookies don’t wear clothes!” Sneered Joffery.

“We are exhibitionists”, cried a bunch of them in answer.

Joffery’s rectum was still swollen because the eggplant inserted by Joffery himself. He kind of liked the feeling of doing unexpected things with his anus.

 “Purple is my favorite anal color companion”, Joffrey said, as he attempted to find the on switch of his electric whisk.  The Kingslayer came sooner than the King had expected. He hated having to clean it all up.

“Why is this so hot!?” asked Stannis, after he looked into the flames sparked by Pocahontas, as she wildly gyrated to the sounds of Pink Floyd’s The Wall played backwards by pantless Thenns. She was wearing an Art Deco gas mask, and was swinging a large yellow whip that was used to flagellate laughers at her mask and purple Ugg shoes.

The art critic from the local paper scoffed at the idea of bloody feces art. Tormund, however, found it strangely arousing. He was also in the habit of wearing his fiancé’s wedding gown in the company of grown men. Mormont’s raven ululated in a Cthlhu like fashion, as its second head looked towards Stannis, who was trying to disguise the fact that he was looking at gay porn. The raven was not turned on at all.

“Porn! Porn!” it squawked while Stannis attempted frantically to hide the tent at the front of his trousers.

The shocking revelation that his wife was pregnant with triplets caused Stannis to try and remember if he’d even bedded her. Perhaps he may have been drunk at the time. If Selyse could just turn around during the bedding, Stannis wouldn’t feel as confused about his sexuality as to quibble about whether to watch Spartacus or Baywatch. He decided to look for answers in the bottom of a bottle of Spanish absinthe, served with a cube or so of frozen gasoline, which made Stannis find answers to questions he wasn’t even asking.

“Tormund, where is your mighty member?”, cried Stannis drunkenly, as he thought of the time he and Tormund had engaged in mud wrestling.

The two-headed crow started reciting poetry that featured love between two yetis. It burst into Greek hexameters, which greatly confused Ser Davos, but Maester Marwin understood, albeit begrudgingly. His chamber was faintly lit by scented candles that smelled of unwashed genitals. His hair was braided into dreadlocks the colour of boiled eggplant. Luckily, it was an eggplant that had gone rotten yet. Boney M had been Marwin’s stage name when he joined the Mummers Against Satirical Puppetry. The stuffed yak at the end of the show was designed to embarrass antiwar activists with yak-supremacist leanings.

All the goats created a union to combat the frequent rapes committed by impersonators of the Cookie Monster. Pocahontas then decided to murder all the white people, leaving all semblance of sanity behind. 

“Beware the lady in the purple Ugg boots”, cried Pocahontas, as she flung beaver dung at a picture of Taylor Swift. 

Kanye West was so happy at this that he decided not just make a self-aggrandising Bowie tribute album, but a tribute to The Wiggles instead.  The dung missed and hit Kanye, who was laughed at. Meanwhile Kanye’s wife, a Hobbit, extended her rear by more metres under the knife, and did a duckface while she showed us how to whisk blancmange. “My darling hobbitress,” cried Kanye, as he rubbed her hairy feet with Dolphin tears and orphan blood. He did this to seal in her profuse sweating. Then a fetid, putrid, funky smelling octogenarian named Aldophus, well known self-abuser and flatulator, spewed life-juice. Understandably Kanye and the hobbit dropped dead due to the slippery floor. But then Aldolphus let out a groan that shook the Hoover Dam. 

“Damn that was close!” Davos joked, nudging Stannis in the buttocks.

“You don’t make that groan when I’m around” said Stannis, as he gently touched Davos on the stubs of his fingers with his baby-toothed comb. 

“Eeeeh, sire, that’s gradely.  That hast a lady’s touch”, purred Davos, sultrily, as he fondled his nub-sack.  Stannis groaned with pleasure, louder and louder as he came closer towards climax.  The climax never came.

“What happened?” asked the stalker who’d secretly witnessed the whole thing.

 “Keep tha nose to thaself” , cried Davos, as the stalker rubbed his feet with the semen of Rhallor. Stannis cried in shame and humiliation and swore he’d not get caught swooning by his TV over Spartacus again.  Davos, in order to placate Stannis, gave stannis his copy of Magic Mike on Blu-ray. 

“I’ve seen it”, wailed Stannis, as he fled back to add pot-pourri to his collection of brownies. He ate them while crying and watching Magic Mike again, whilst, somewhere in the sky above him, General Zod was futilely trying to find Kal_El so that he could collect his lottery winnings. Kal_El’s lieutenant, Cartman, was Wyman Manderly in disguise.

“Too fat for active service, you may still be of some use”, said Zod, as he grappled with the existential dread that was inherent in his stuck zip.  Some pies for Cartman were provided by Rhaegar Frey for activating the Phantom Zone.  Unbeknownst to Cartman, the pies were slightly undercooked, causing bouts of hilarious explosive diarrhea.

“I should call you adult nappy man”, said Zod, as Lex Luthor shot him with a kryptonite bullet. 

Darth Vader then started a petition to block funding for the next Stars Trek movie.  He failed. So Cartman conspired with Pocahontas to sell all the Wookies into slavery. Naturally, their plot was a wild success because of the Wookies’ big addiction to pot.  Eventually it became easy to get them to twerk to Miley Cyrus, which was found to be a big enticement to absolutely nobody.  Little did they know that the postmodernist malaise of meaning would inevitably cause them all to hang around in hipster bars. Stannis started singing, “This is the end, my beautiful friend, the end.  My only friend, the end………”.

 

fin…

 

 

editor’s notes: i have occasionally changed punctuation and capitalized some words…I hope that breaking it into smaller more manageable bits makes it easier to read... it was my pleasure to be the keeper of the words this go round…

 

 

[The Killer Snark]

Much better with the new paragraph spacing and punctuation. I still don't know what it's about, but think this may be due to a profundity escaping prosaic explication.

[First of My Name]

Well done Sniffer. People will ponder this work for generations. Especially that beautiful title.

[rocksniffer]

2 hours ago, First of My Name said:

Well done Sniffer. People will ponder this work for generations. Especially that beautiful title.

thanks my King...

as for the title...i just could not help myself...