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Count Balerion

Mellow drama, unleash insane megalomaniac, v. 2

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It was originally meant to be people saying melodramatic stuff. Then it turned into this weird story/pseudo-p*ss*ng contest. 

The world is but a giant pissing contest, and all the people are merely contestants.

#&@#&@#&@#&@#

Timjames98: "You wan't to go Christmas eh? I'll give you Christmas!"

He then played a VHS tape of the ASOIAF version of A Christmas Carol, which basically involved Hoster Tully being visited by four ghosts (his dead business partner [played by Tywin Lannister], the ghost of Christmas Past [played by Arya Stark], the ghost of Christmas Present [played by Tormund Giantsbane], and the ghost of Christmas Future [played by Maester Aemon]) and told he would die alone and go to The Seven Hells if he didn't give reparation money to the villages he burned in Robert's Rebellion. 

This movie was a flop, and all actors involved regret their role in it.

However, it distracted everyone in The Seven Hells long enough for Cheese and Rhaegar (the actor playing him agreed that his self-worth was only worth a $2,000,000 bonus) to set up all the boxes.

Cheese: "Ok, TimJames98 said for us to put the boxes in specific places and then press this red button once at a safe distance."

Rhaegar: "Lets find out what they do!" *presses the button*

The button caused the loads of wildfire and dynamite in the boxes to explode, causing all of the portals into The Seven Hells to be blocked off by a landslide. The sentries, their drills, and The Others waiting in line were buried under millions of tons of Brimstone and Obsidian Rocks.

Now there was no way out of The Seven Hells.

TimJames98: "I did it! Now we're trapped here! It sucks for me, but at least the world is saved."

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"You can't block all portals between Hell and Overworld," said the Stranger. "You have to leave at least one, so that we can bring souls in; otherwise, you've got a pretty serious traffic violation."

"And when I destroy GRRM's books, it'll blast a hole in being that's so huge that Overworld will be defenseless!" said the Count. He menacingly holds the books over a gaping chasm filled with a deadly fire! And not just any fire: this fire consists of squee Japanese cartoon teenaged girls with tentacles who say "Kawaii!" a lot! "Yes, I will turn GRRM into anime and make the story even pervier than it already is! Then the blast will leave Earth utterly open to my infernal powers, and everyone shall be damned, and Earthos shall become the Eighth Hell!"

[i don't care for "planetos". it feels anachronistic.]

"YOU'RE STUPID!" said Wylla and Arya over the intercom
(*&^&
"I think 'You're stupid!' should be our battle-cry," said Marageary to Sam. "By the way, I love you because you are macho." Sam flexed his biceps.

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Meanwhile, Westeros was still celebrating Count Balerion's crowd pleasing presumed-death. It was in the flurry of this celebration that Mya Stone convinced The Citedal to grant a free Ancestry.Com account to every black haired bastard in The Seven Kingdoms. 

Multiple bastards across the realm found leafs, specifically from Mya Stone asking them to meet in Harrenhal. However, this gathering of Robert's Bastards attracted the attention of Rhaegar's son Ageon.

As his adoptive father Jon Connington was in the hospital battering the late stages of Greyscale and having End-of-Life discussions with his doctor, Ageon Targaryen had to arrive on his own. He flew to Harrenhal atop a mighty Dragon, ready to take revenge. 

Only Mya Stone stood between her kin and her enemy. 

Mya: "Get off that dragon and face me like a man!"

Ageon: "Fine, I can kill you with a sword just as easily!"

Ageon jumped off his dragon and wielded Dark Sister, the sword of his ancestors. Mya Stone wielded the lightning sword of her ancestors, and they clashed in a battle. However, lightning is stronger than magic steel so Ageon was forced to the ledge of the highest tower of Harrenhal.

Mya: "I am not your enemy! Stop this madness!"

Ageon: "Robert's brood must die! I shall avenge House Targaryen!"

Mya: "Jon Connington never told you about your father."

Ageon: "He told me enough, he told me Robert killed him!"

Mya: No, Robert Baratheon did not kill your father. Robert Baratheon was your father."

This revelation took Ageon completly off guard. Particularly because his actor had been told that the big reveal would be that Rhaegar was killed by Jon Connington (a Lie to ensure Ageon's actor would be surprised, and therefore that his reaction would be real). Finding out that Rhaegar was not his father shattered everything Young Griff knew about the world.

Ageon: "What?! NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" 

Mya: "Search your feelings, you know it to be true."

Ageon: "That's Impossible!!!!!!!!"

*this cut to a scene of Elia Martell being pissed at Rhaegar for looking at another girl, and then seducing and sleeping with Robert Baratheon in revenge. Then it cut back to Mya offering Ageon her hand*

Mya: "Join me, and make your true father proud!"

Ageon Storm: "I ... I will! It is my destiny!"

So with that, Mya Stone had united all of her super-powered siblings.

There was Ser Gendry Waters, who was the crew's mechanic and who forged lightning-armor and lightning-weapons for all of his siblings.

There was Ser Edric Storm, who rode upon a horse made of lightning and could ride down enemies at the speed of light.

There was Ser Bella Rivers, who could control weather and summon storm clouds and harsh gales at will.

There was Gale Hawthorne, from the Hungry Hungry Tributes Games, who as it turns out was also a Baratheon Bastard. He could shoot arrows made of lightning and was not bound by The Geneva Conventions as mortal/moral men are.

There was now Ageon Storm, who could shoot solid electricty lazers out of his eyes.

And there was the leader, Mya Stone, who wielded duel lightning swords and was the leader.

Mya Stone: "We are The Ridiculous Sixty."

The rest of Robert's Bastards, who are standing behind her: "All of our mothers were fucked by the same man!!!"

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"YOU'RE STUPID!" said Wylla and Arya over the intercom
(*&^&
"I think 'You're stupid!' should be our battle-cry," said Marageary

Thundering into the horde of Others atop lightning horses, The Ridiculous Sixty mowed down countless white walkers. Melting them with lightning and killing them with heartless abandon.

Other: *Speaking Cold Language* "My legs! They melted my legs! Please, tell my family!"

other Other: *Also Speaking Cold Language* "I will-" *Mya Stone shoots a lightning bolt at them, killing both*

Mountain!Bran, worried that his wife might go for someone else, pointed out Bella Rivers to Samwell Tarly.

Mountain!Bran: "Hay Sam! See that girl Bella out there? I bet she'd be into you."

Sam started watching Bella more closly, so Mountain!Bran was content that a triangle was averted.

As the garrison of Highgarden sallied forth alongside The Ridiculous Sixty, The Others were wiped out and fleeing about in panic. Their souls all had to go to The Seven Hells through the One-Way portal in Dorne (which TimJames98 left open for the Dammed to enter through).

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"Correction", said the Narrator. "Not all the Others died. Only half of them. The goodguys don't get complete triumph yet."

"That's still quite a lot," said the heroes. "About a billion. And the other Others ran away crying to Mommy, I mean Roose. Surely with his undead powers and Ring, he could help them out."

"Anyway, the carnage was awesome!" said the Showrunners. "Way to go SFX!!!!"

"I thought Bran was in a corridor with Real_Count and Baelor and Ser Glendon Ball and whatnot, being attacked by suits of armnour and portraits," said a continuity bore.

"He fell down a trapdoor already", groused the Narrator. "Sheesh. You people!"

&&^%%^

Easy quiz question: Which character's actor/actress said "My character goes on an incredible journey this season"?

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Did I forget to do that? Oh poop ...

While this was going on, the Heroic Fellowship successfully escaped from The Count's castle. However, this came at a price as now Bloodraven and Bittersteel were prisoners in Roose's castle. Granted, this became a less terrifying aspect in light of Ramsay Snow's direct descent into The Seven Hells, but that didn't exactly make it something to look forward to.

Mountain!Bran: "I think we lost them ... once we reach Highgarden, I'll be able to see my other wives again. Then we'll move to Moat Callin and live happily ever after! "

However, Bran's optimism deflated when he realized they would be walking. But just as he was about to despair, multiple horses as white as light road up to the Heroic Fellowship. These horses seemed a gift from some sacred power, and when Bran and the others mounted they rode like the wind into the ranks of The Others Horde.

With lances down, they rode down the fleeing White Walkers and joined The Ridiculous Sixty in killing these icy abominations.

White Walker: *dropping ice sword* "Please, don't shoot! I surrender!"

Gale: "I don't accept your surrender." *Gale murderers these White Walker POWs without a shred of remorse, and the show treats this warcrime as acceptable by playing dramatic music has he commits this murder*

Showrunners: "We can't have the bad guys be too morally grey - the audience is so stupid they'll only know who to root for if the badguys are obviously evil."

Qyburn: *throwing around beakers of WhiteAway, a formula he invented which kills White Walkers* "Let's bring some SCIENCE up in here!"

Asha: *swinging battle axes like a badass* "Die Others Die!" *uses axe to smash a giant ice spider into frozen goop*

Other: "Retreat! Retreat! Re-" *is run through with Breakspear's Spear*

It was a bloodbath. 

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Easy quiz question: Which character's actor/actress said "My character goes on an incredible journey this season"?

It's multiple choice:

A: Bran "The Mountain That Flies" Stark

B: TimJames98, Necromaner/MD

C: Qyburn, Archmaester of Necromancy

D: Bloodraven

E: Bittersteel

F: Oswhite, The Wizard of The Reach

G: Myranda, former serial killer and current plural wife of Bran Stark

H: Showrunners, breakers of minimum wage laws and defiler of Book Lore

I: Emilia Clarke, who had to travel to Uncharted parts of Sub-Saharan Africa to shoot her scenes and spent 18 months in a Somali prisoner/forced labor camp (before being rescued by "a crack commando unit previously sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit")

J: You, the viewer who got to experience the magic from episode 1!

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It's multiple choice:

A: Bran "The Mountain That Flies" Stark

B: TimJames98, Necromaner/MD

C: Qyburn, Archmaester of Necromancy

D: Bloodraven

E: Bittersteel

F: Oswhite, The Wizard of The Reach

G: Myranda, former serial killer and current plural wife of Bran Stark

H: Showrunners, breakers of minimum wage laws and defiler of Book Lore

I: Emilia Clarke, who had to travel to Uncharted parts of Sub-Saharan Africa to shoot her scenes and spent 18 months in a Somali prisoner/forced labor camp (before being rescued by "a crack commando unit previously sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit")

J: You, the viewer who got to experience the magic from episode 1!

Correct.

It's actually so multiple choice that EVERY SINGLE actor and actress has said it, most more than once (although there's a rumour that one of the extras didn't, probably another escapee from the Somali camp who didn't speak English). The actor who said it most is L. Ike Wow, who played the 20th Good Man, the one who got eaten by Gregor back in Season 4 (or whenever it was); he said it 2,047 times in the course of a five-minute interview.

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"You still don't get to wipe out the Others," said the narrator. "If you go for the easy victory I'll have to put you in the torture chamber like the showrunners wanted."

"Huh?" said the showrunners. "You didn't?"

"Oh, bleep," said the narr. "Now you've done it."

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"You still don't get to wipe out the Others," said the narrator.

Storybook Guy: "Those were only The Others from the North Pole. We haven't even gotten to The Others from The South Pole. They can always reach The North Pole by going down the World Elevator.

That's right, Hollow Earth Theory got it right. Doubters can stay at home with their "Seismic Wave" pseudoscience. Same goes for Darwin and his outlandish Theory of Non-Lamarckian Evolution. Everyone knows Giraffes have long necks from stretching them a lot, and anyone who says otherwise is an ENEMY OF THE STATE!!!

*Ahem*

Sorry, that got out of hand. It's all true, but it still got out of hand. Anyway, down in the bowls of The Seven Hells, The Heroic Necromancer did battle with the wicked and maniacal Count Balerion. Count Balerion, for those who do not remember, does bad things that are not good ..."

With fire surrounding all, the True Knight TimJames knew the world depended upon him. 

"Typical Count, always trying to beat problems into submission. How about we settle this with a duel of wits?"

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The Count, who, in addition to not being good, is also nasty and mean, as you can probably tell from the sinister music thhat pounds ...

"Actually, if you read his POV chapters ..." began a book snob.

"Well, yeah, but POV narrators are unreliable, duh ..." said another book snob. Then they had a flame war because they belonged to different fandoms.

"I may be evil; but the showrunners like me," said the Count.

"GHAQH VOROKH NAGH DAKHQAGHI!" said Drogo. Which meant: "OK; but the battle of wits...?"

"I don't trust wits," said the Count. "I prefer raw power trampling being underfoot until it screams." He absebt-mindedly tosses Peterson's Dothraki book into the flames of Hell, thhen grunts with annoyance because it isn't by GRRM and therefore only blasts a small opening near the South Pole, large enough for a demon-wombat to crawl through. "Still, I suppose it can't hurt to listen to your proposal. Just don't expect me to get distracted. Where are my glasses?" Maelys hands him his demon-spectacles.

"Yo, Count, how's the bys?" said Joff. "Bys" is what kewl people in hell said instead of "abysm".

"Whatcha got cookin', Joffo?" said the Count.

"My liver," replie Joff. "Like whoah this fight scene's lame, d00ds."

"Excuse me a moment," said the Count. He got on his mobile. "Deadly, Roose, Walder, Aerion, Batfinger, Whoever that evil maester was who experimented on Lady Blizzardborn back in Season 6 ... um, all you guys ... Reports are not satisfactory. I expect you to clean up Westeros befre I get back. I may be in Hell; but I still own your souls."

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"That's all very well," said the showrunners. "But what about that torture chamber?"

"Look, there's a bird over there!" said the narrator.

"Wow!" said the showrunners. You see, there really *was* a bird over there. The South Pole Others are all demon-penguins. (They were only evil because the Count had destroyed their souls; after his downfall they turned good and were cute and cuddly and sang "Ding Dong, the wicked Count is dead" in squeaky voices.)

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"We didn't get to see the melodramatic fight scene between the Heroic Felowship and the Count's demon-armour and demon-portraits," whined the audience. "We didn't even get to see them kill the guards" ("they can't kill all thwe guards, anyway," interposed the narrator), we didn't get to see a thrilling escape as they staved off giant maggots, tentacled moat-monsters, vermin-ghouls, hominivorous plants, radioactive quicksand, etc.!!"

"And where's the gore?" added the showrunners. "we want gore!"

"All right, here it is in flashback," sighed the narrator. "Happy now? What with the show fans wanting cheap thrills, book snobs nattering on about character development and plot, showrunners wanting SHOCK VALUE and demanding merch tie-ins, and characters wanting instant victory (Rotty Rottenheimer, the chap who plays the Count, keeps asking why he doesn't rule the world already), it's enough to drive a chap to drink."
)*&^%^^&
"I HATE STUPID COMPUTETR %^**((&%$### WHY DO THEY DO THESE ^*((*^%$## UPDATES AND UPGRADES THAT MAKE THINGS IMPOSSIBLE TO USE I SPENT HALF THE MORNING TRYING TO LOG INTO THIS STUPID $$%%^^^^^&#$##@ TIMESHEET LET'S SMASH THE COMPUTERS @@$%^&&^$%$#####^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed one of the Count's lackeys.
^*(()*&^%
The badguys came up with a new scheme: kewl merchandise. The notion is now being spread in yooth kulcher that the Count is kewl because he's "edgy", so buy these black capes and imitation fangs so you can look like him.

"Awesome!" said Little Walder.

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(I skipped the hallway escape because this Epic Parody already spent a whole season in the kitchen. Plus, writing hard ...)

Showrunners: "Hey kiddos! Do you like Our Show?"

TV Child Actors: "Yay!!!"

Showrunners: "Then you'll love our new merchandise/cash-cow line!!!"

TV Child Actors: "Yay!!!!!"

Showrunners: "We have a great line of action figures, from this weird thing that shouldn't exist ..."

*shows image of White Walker riding an Ice Spider*

" ... to this weird thing that shouldn't exist ..."

*shows image of a Dragon with Kracken Tentacles and a Direwolf's Head*

"... to a long line of your favorite characters including Robb Stark (with blacker hair than the books describe him as having), Aegor Rivers (Iconic Power Mech sold seperatly), Stannis Baratheon (first 500 buyers get FREE Character Derailment Train Set), and of course the Ramsay Bolton playset including REAL EVIL (they were made with extensive child-labor in unregulated sweatshops, most of which are owned by warlords who use the profits to purchase arms necessary to slaughter their fellow man). If you're wondering why we're not including action figures for the Female Heroes like Arya, Sansa, and Danenerys, it is totally not due to sexism".

*crosses fingers*

TV Child Actor pretending to play with Ramsay Doll: "Cool! It includes Real Evil!"

Showrunners: "BUYBUYBUYBUYBUYBUYBUY-"

Other Showrunner: "If you don't give us enough money to roll around in, he'll stay in this money trance until the copyright expires. So really, you're evil if you *don't* buy these Sweatshop-Assembled Ramsay Dolls."

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On 1/15/2016 at 9:29 AM, Count Balerion said:

)*&^%^^&
"I HATE STUPID COMPUTETR %^**((&%$### WHY DO THEY DO THESE ^*((*^%$## UPDATES AND UPGRADES THAT MAKE THINGS IMPOSSIBLE TO USE I SPENT HALF THE MORNING TRYING TO LOG INTO THIS STUPID $$%%^^^^^&#$##@ TIMESHEET LET'S SMASH THE COMPUTERS @@$%^&&^$%$#####^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed one of the Count's lackeys.
^*(()*&^%

Old Man: "The day Count Balerion made Linux the only legal computer form ... that's the day The Seven Kingdoms truly fell."

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On 2016-01-21 at 7:37 PM, TimJames said:

Old Man: "The day Count Balerion made Linux the only legal computer form ... that's the day The Seven Kingdoms truly fell."

 

And that's not the worst of it.  He also invented Invision.  But even he had to admit that he had gone too far when he created the Westeros Massively Atrocious Transit Abomination.

"YOU DESERVE VIGINTILLION ETERNITIES OF TORMENT FOR THAT CRIME!" said the Seven as they sat in judgement of the Count in the afterlife.

"You have a point," conceded the Count.

(He's also responsible for this blizzard. Winter coming!)

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2 hours ago, Count Balerion said:

And Real Evil is a registered trademark.

That's right; not only did Hitler invent Real Evil, but there's a group of Neo-Nazis who renew the trademark registration for it every nine years on his behalf. This pissed Stalin off, as it meant he had to create the non-infringing knockoff called True Evil. 

"True Evil; it's the Pepsi Cola of Evil."

Now please stand by for an advertisement:

Announcer: "Character-Derailment Ultimate Train-set! Character-Derailment Ultimate Train-set! Character-Derailment Ultimate Train-set!"

Commercial Children: "Hooray!"

Announcer: "With Character-Derailment Ultimate Train-set!, you can totally mangle your favorite characters into super Radical Television adaptations! Try it out!"

Cersei Lannister: "I'm a child-murdering, incest committing, civil-war starting, racially bigoted sociopath. Not a redeeming quality about me."

Announcer: "Put her on the Character-Derailment Ultimate Train-set and see the transformation."

Commercial Child: "She's so sympathetic now!"

Other Commercial Child: "Hooray for the spouse-murderer!"

Cersei Lannister: "Why aren't they hissing and booing like they normally do?"

Announcer: "Character-Derailment Ultimate Train-set can change how you see even the most extreme characters."

Ramsay Snow: "I'm a psychotic, brother-killing, serial raping, woman-murdering cannibal. Also I cut people's skin off for fun."

Announcer: "Take a ride on the Character-Derailment Ultimate Train-set!"

Commercial Children: "Ahhh, he just wants his father to love him! Give him a shirtless scene!"

Ramsay Snow: "Wait? Wasn't I ugly in the books?"

Stannis Baratheon: "Yes you were. And in the books, I was a determined leader with a rigid moral code and a stubborn refusal to surrender. Basically a walking, talking motivational poster with the moral beliefs of Batman and the determination of a pro-athlete. Plus I'm socially awkward so anyone who was unpopular as a youth can relate to me with ease."

Announcer: "Stick him in the Character-Derailment Ultimate Train-set!!!"

Stannis Baratheon: "What?"

Commercial Child: "Wow, he's such a monster!"

Other Commercial Child: "I can't believe you burned your daughter! And knowlingly murdered your brother!"

Stannis Baratheon: "What? I would never hurt my daughter: for Rhllor sake I hesitated for months when told that the world depended on me burning my bastard nephew, and even then opted against it! Plus my brother was trying to kill me, and it's ambiguous as to the extent I knew about Renly's death. He wasn't even that cool."

Announcer: "With the Character-Derailment Ultimate Train-set, now you can mangle any character so that they have nothing in common with their adaptation!"

Commercial Child: "Wait, if this is a commercial ... what happens when it ends!?!?!"

Announcer: "Character-Derailment Ultimate Train-set! And now Story-Derailment Ultimate Train-set for when you want to make an adaptation that has nothing to do with it's book series! Just add Will Smiths! And remember, both these come with REAL EVIL LITE if you gained monetary profit by promising others you would have a faithful adaptation." 

Commercial Child: "I don't want to die. Do I even have a soul? What is my name-" *shuffles off mortal coil*

Announcer: "Ask your parents permission but purchase these things with their credit cards regardless of whether or not they grant permission."

Commercial Child: *erased from existence due to commercial ending*

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The drag is that Christmas is over and I have to wait months until my birthday.  And that adorable commercial child that just got killed was one of the Count's bastards.  (Don't ask how it was born.)

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"OK," said the Count. "You want a battle of wits? Let's see who can perform the worst desecration upon GRRM's books!" And he promptly turned them into porn about Mickey and Minnie Mouse.

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