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cravenravenkeeper

By cravenravenkeeper,
in General (ASoIaF)

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Myrish swan Noble

Myrish swan

Posted
Posted

Facebook Profile

Shae

Networks: Camp followers of Lannisport union

Interested in: Men (those without money or prospects need not apply.)

Relationship Status: In relationship single

Hometown: Kings Landing

Political Views: Conservative?

Status Update: Hey, a shout out to my girls at Chataya’s, I’m doin’ well ladies. Just got out of that “little” (haha!) relationship I was in. Long story. Anyway, I see things looking up; I just may be “visiting” later with a fella who has gold to spare! Lets see how it goes!

Later: Hey, it’s official, I’ve switched from “shorty” to “oldey” hahaha! I’m on with my very rich mystery man for tonight! And don’t worry guys, I’ll be wearing my lucky necklace just to make sure things go well!

Needless to say, ladies, when I see you next, I’ll be in a far better place!

Tywin Lanister likes this

Comments:

Alyaya: Shae, where are you? Seriously, it’s been like two months since you’ve updated your profile.

Tyrion Lanister: DIEDIEDIE DIEDIEDIE DIE DIE DIE.

…….

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Phostopheles Landed Knight

Phostopheles

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Facebook

Cersei Lannister's Status update:

Status: Single

Feeling elated. Just had the most delicious boar I have ever tasted. I savored every drop, and let me just say that this has been a feast 14 years in the making. Mmmmmm....

Jaime Lannister likes this

Comments:

Lancel Lannister: :D

Osmund Kettleblack: ;)

Moon Boy: MMMMMMMM BOAR!

Jaime Lannister: o.O

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Buckwheat Council Member

Buckwheat

Posted
Posted

From: Ygritte

To: Gilly

Re: You and fatty

Heard the news. You could've done soooo much better girlfriend. Still, I'm happy you're doing it with someone who isn't YOUR FATHER.

PS: Have fatty ask Jon about "The Lord's Kiss". You can thank me later ;)

From: Samwell "slayer" Tarly

To: Jon Snow, Bastard of Winterfell, 998th Lord commadner of the Nightswatch

FINALLY arrived at Oldtown. The voyage was so VERY unpleasant! You should have told me that you took Gilly's baby and given her the false one! I just COULDN'T make out why was she crying all the time! Maester Aemon had to tell me (btw, he died). And then she made me COMFORT her in such a HUMILIATING way! I'm way too embarassed to tell you everything she made me do and I also don't want to get killed for being a craven oathbreaker that I am (yes, I know that half of the NW brothers visit Mole's Town from time to time, but I'm still scared that only I'll be killed for it). So the next time you switch some babies and send me travel with the sorrowful mother, PLEASE tell me so that I'll be able to prepare myself to the consequences.

Oh, Gilly keeps repeating that I have to ask you about something she calls the "Lord's kiss". Do you have any idea what she might mean by that? I'm sure you don't, as an honourable NW brother and commander surely you know nothing of kisses whatsoever, right? If you by any chance do have an idea what might mean, tell me so that I can comfort her.

Greetings,

maester in the making,

Sam

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Myrish swan Noble

Myrish swan

Posted
Posted

From: Ygritte

To: Gilly

Re: You and fatty

Heard the news. You could've done soooo much better girlfriend. Still, I'm happy you're doing it with someone who isn't YOUR FATHER.

PS: Have fatty ask Jon about "The Lord's Kiss". You can thank me later ;)

From: Samwell "slayer" Tarly

To: Jon Snow, Bastard of Winterfell, 998th Lord commadner of the Nightswatch

FINALLY arrived at Oldtown. The voyage was so VERY unpleasant! You should have told me that you took Gilly's baby and given her the false one! I just COULDN'T make out why was she crying all the time! Maester Aemon had to tell me (btw, he died). And then she made me COMFORT her in such a HUMILIATING way! I'm way too embarassed to tell you everything she made me do and I also don't want to get killed for being a craven oathbreaker that I am (yes, I know that half of the NW brothers visit Mole's Town from time to time, but I'm still scared that only I'll be killed for it). So the next time you switch some babies and send me travel with the sorrowful mother, PLEASE tell me so that I'll be able to prepare myself to the consequences.

Oh, Gilly keeps repeating that I have to ask you about something she calls the "Lord's kiss". Do you have any idea what she might mean by that? I'm sure you don't, as an honourable NW brother and commander surely you know nothing of kisses whatsoever, right? If you by any chance do have an idea what might mean, tell me so that I can comfort her.

Greetings,

maester in the making,

Sam

From: Jon Snow of Winterfell, bastard Natural son of the Late Eddard Stark, 998th Commander of the nightswatch and (spoiler) The Prince who was promised

To: Sam Tarley

Dear Sam,

I thought that whole "lords kiss" thing would come back to bite me in the ass eventually. I could bitch slap Ygritte for blowing my cover on this one.

Okay, here's the deal: the lords kiss is... you know what? I'm not even going to try to explain this to you. You probably don't know the meaning or location of half of the terms I'm going to use. Instead, I've decided to draw you a picture. (Well, more like a diagram really.) Warning: It's EXTREMELY graphic. And detailed. And just for your convienience, I've labeled everything. You (and Gilly, no doubt) can thank me later.

Honorably Yours,

Commander Jon Snow, of the Stark blood

.......

From: Gilly

To: Ygritte

Re: Oh crap oh crap oh crap

Gilly-- Oh no! What a disaster!

I got Jon's letter to Sam a few days ago, with the very helpful diagram enclosed. Sam made me open it for him, because he's scared of letters. Anyway, when I told him that Jon made him a picture of how to do the lords kiss, Sam pissed himself a little. He told me that he was a craven, and afraid of both pictures and kissing.

Anyway, I had this great plan. When he went out to visit the docks one day, I took the picture and placed it on Sam's bed. I assumed Sam would get home and see it. Poor old Maester Aemon was lying sick in the next room. I then went out for a drink at the local tavern.

When I came back, I saw that the picture had been opened and read... by Maester Aemon!

When I found him he was rocking himself in a fetal position in the corner of the room, muttering about "kissed by fire" "the long night" "the lords kiss" and some other stuff in a foreign language that I didn't understand. I put him to bed, and he hasn't spoken since... I think the shock might kill him, Ygritte!

When Sam got back and saw Maester Aemon, he was shocked that Maester Aemon should take such an awful turn, after he had been doing so much better since learning about the dragons. I told Sam I had no idea what was going on.

But don't worry... I'm sure everything will be fine! No one ever died from a picture, did they? I'd bet my life that Maester Aemon will be back to normal in no time.

Yours,

Gilly

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DaeneryStormBorn Landed Knight

DaeneryStormBorn

Posted
Posted

((Lol, I lost it on this one. Laughed so hard I cried, well done sir.))

To: Lord Commander Jon Snow of the Night's Watch

From: Lord Howland Reed of Greywater Watch

Yo yo, what's crackin' JS? I know you don't know me, but I'm a friend of your uncle, Eddard Stark. Just sending you a message, saying hello. I heard about your business fighting off the wildlings. Nicely done, nicely done. Would that your father was as good a soldier when he met Robert on the Trident. Ah, well. Keep up the good work.

To: Lord Howland Reed

From: LC Jon Snow

Dude... WTF kind of weed do they have in the Neck? My "uncle," Ned Stark? Lord Stark was my father, you crazy little crannogman...

To: LC Jon Snow

From: Lord Howland Reed

OMG! LOL! You don't know?!?! OMG OMG OMG! Dude, get your ass to Greywater, I have a story that will blow your mind! LOL

LOL OMG i cant stop laughing at this one hahaha

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Myrish swan Noble

Myrish swan

Posted
Posted

Symon Silver Tongue

Networks: The Bards Assoiciation of the Free Cities

Sex: Male

Interested in: Women

Relationship Status: Single

Hometown: Flea Bottom, Westeros

Friends

Shae

Bethany Fair Fingers

Tyrion Lanister

Status update: Hey, Tyrion, I’ve just gotten home from a gig. While I was there I learned some pretty interesting stuff about a certain imp and his hooke….er, ahem, lady friend. I think you’d find this info highly significant, and I’m wondering whether to announce it to kings Landing on Twitter tomorrow. …

On a totally unrelated note, I’ve been thinking of friending Tywin Lanister. I might just have some information that he’d like to know.

I’ll be in touch.

Tyrion Lanister unfriended Symon Silvertongue

Comments

Alayaya: Symon, where are you? I haven't heard from you or Shae for, like, three months now. It's like y'all have fallen off the face of Westeros, or been murdered, or something!

Bronn: HA!

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Whatever Council Member

Whatever

Posted
Posted

Symon Silver Tongue

Networks: The Bards Assoiciation of the Free Cities

Sex: Male

Interested in: Women

Relationship Status: Single

Hometown: Flea Bottom, Westeros

Friends

Shae

Bethany Fair Fingers

Tyrion Lanister

Status update: Hey, Tyrion, I’ve just gotten home from a gig. While I was there I learned some pretty interesting stuff about a certain imp and his hooke….er, ahem, lady friend. I think you’d find this info highly significant, and I’m wondering whether to announce it to kings Landing on Twitter tomorrow. …

On a totally unrelated note, I’ve been thinking of friending Tywin Lanister. I might just have some information that he’d like to know.

I’ll be in touch.

Tyrion Lanister unfriended Symon Silvertongue

Comments

Alayaya: Symon, where are you? I haven't heard from you or Shae for, like, three months now. It's like y'all have fallen off the face of Westeros, or been murdered, or something!

Bronn: HA!

Bronn: that was a good soup

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Myrish swan Noble

Myrish swan

Posted
Posted

VictarionGreyjoy Victarion Greyjoy, retweeted by Aeron Greyjoy

I would totally not be surprised if @EuronGreyjoy had something to do with our dear brother @BalonGreyjoy 's death. What a douche.

HarderandStronger Aeron Greyjoy

No godless man may sit the Seastone Chair! No godless man may sit the Seastone Chair! No Godless Man may sit the Seastone Chair! (Ya know what I mean, Vic?)

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Donnachaidh Squire

Donnachaidh

Posted
Posted

To: Daenerys Stormborn Targaryen , the Unburnt, Queen of Meereen, Would-Be Usurper Queen of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Khaleesi of Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Shackles and Mother of Dragons.

From: Da Children of the Forrest

Re: the rule of Westeros

Stormborn,

You say Westeros is yours by right? We say bitch pleaze I don't know what that crackedinthehead brother of yours told you, but you need to educate yourself. Either ruling by conquest is legit, in which case Rob Baratheon pwned yo' ass and his brother Stannis is now ruler in chief. Or it's a matter of succession and orignal ownership, in which case you and your dragons might wanna come up North to kneel in obeiance. Either way Westeros is not yours bitch!

signed,

Da Children

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Myrish swan Noble

Myrish swan

Posted
Posted

To: Daenerys Stormborn Targaryen , the Unburnt, Queen of Meereen, Would-Be Usurper Queen of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Khaleesi of Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Shackles and Mother of Dragons.

From: Da Children of the Forrest

Re: the rule of Westeros

Stormborn,

You say Westeros is yours by right? We say bitch pleaze I don't know what that crackedinthehead brother of yours told you, but you need to educate yourself. Either ruling by conquest is legit, in which case Rob Baratheon pwned yo' ass and his brother Stannis is now ruler in chief. Or it's a matter of succession and orignal ownership, in which case you and your dragons might wanna come up North to kneel in obeiance. Either way Westeros is not yours bitch!

signed,

Da Children

From: Her Grace Queen Danerys Stormborn Targaryen, the Unburnt, Queen of Mareen, Rightful Queen of Westeros, Mother of Dragons

To: Jealous Haters

Re: Don't hate on me!

Children,

You best get on up out of my face, fools! You think ya'll rule Westeros? You'd better back yourself down before y'all hurt yourselves! I rule Weteros, bitches! Me and my ho's, a.k.a. the DRAGONS!

Oh, snap!

And don't y'all even be thinkin' bout supportin' that punk Stannis B. Da only reason Stannis has got anything is because his brother got all up in my brother's face about some girl and shit, like, 15 years ago. Robert was all, "Hey, Rhaegar, you been tappin' my girl's ass!" And Rhaegar was all, "Oh hell yessss, punk! Bring it!"

And that's how that went down.

But as I was sayin', if y'all think you can just bust in and steal my land, you'd best think again! Even if y'all have been there longer, no one cares. Ain't y'all been listening-- I got DRAGONS, fools! So y'all better bust out a bended knee and RECOGNIZE.

Still pimpin' with the big ole' Dragons,

Queen Danerys Targaryen

P.S. And don't you be hatin' on my dead brother, Viserys. He couldn't help bein' a crack baby, yo! Y'all should be ASHAMED of yourselves.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Buckwheat Council Member

Buckwheat

Posted
Posted

From: Willow Heddle, coordinator of UNICEF Westeros

To: anybody? please?

Send a message with the key word TRIDENT and spend a copper star for the orphans of the War of the 5 Kings.

From: Edmure Tully

To: UNICEF Westeros

TRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENT

TRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENT TRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENT TRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENT TRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENT TRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENT ...

From: Iron Bank of Braaovs

To: UNICEF Westeros

TRIDENT

Ha, with 200% interests, they have to return 2 copper stars! Let's send some messages more!

From: Petyr Baelish

To: UNICEF Westeros

TRIDENT

Ha, with 300% interests, they have to return 3 copper stars! Hoping more wars to come!

From: BWB

To: UNICEF Westeros

TRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENTTRIDENT

We would sincerely like to spend more, but unfortunatly we don't have any coin more. :mellow:

From: septon Meribald

To: UNICEF Westeros

TRIDENT

From: Tywin Lannister, Gregor Clegane, Amory Lorch

Yeah, right. We have better ways to spend our money than that. Like hiring the Bloody Mummers to make more orphans or something.

From: Jon Snow, the 998th Lord Commander of the Night's Watch

To: UNICEF Westeros

TRIDENT

Better send us all those orphans, we could use them well.

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Targaryen loyalist Squire

Targaryen loyalist

Posted
Posted

From: Lord Aegon of Dragonstone, CEO of Targaryen Inc.

To: King Harren the Black, CEO of Iron Islands Shipping Corp.

King Argilac, CEO of Stormlands and Sons

King Loren Lannister, CEO of Casterly Rock Gold Traders

King Mern IX, CEO of The Reach and Partners

King Thorren Stark, CEO of Winterfell United

King Arryn, CEO of the Eagles Pictures

Prince of Dorne, CEO of Dornish Pastry & co.

Re: Acquisition of your societies

Dear friends,

it is my great pleasure to inform you that the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) of Oldtown has approved my proposed takeover of your corporations.

As all you well know, your societies are regularly listed at the Westeros Stock Exchange (WSE), so you can not do anything to stop my takeovers, and it is my firm will to buy the majority of the stocks and to merge all your small societies in only one, bigger and powerful Corporation called "Seven Kingdoms Inc.".

Of course there will be some changes in the business: Harrenal is no more considered a strategic asset of this corporation, and I am terribly sorry to announce that the following people will be fired:

- Mr Harren the Black

- Mr Argilac

- Mr Mern the Ninth

I have already found some new dynamic people to take their job, people who firmly believes in our Company's mission and vision.

My aides Mr. Vhagar, Mr. Meraxes and Company's junior vicepresident Mr. Balerion will reach your headquarters on Monday after the opening of the Stock Exchange to sign the required documents and take possession of the business.

My sisters Ms. Vysenia and Ms. Rhaenis will join me as the top managers of this Corporation, together with my personal assistant Gordon Gekko.

I hope this will be the beginning of a long and profitable cooperation.

With the kindest regards,

Aegon Targaryen, CEO

Targaryen Inc.

Dragonstone Building

Freehold of Valyria Avenue

Dragonstone

DGS 7WS

Westeros

----------

DISCLAIMER:

The content of this e-mail is confidential. If you have received this e-mail by mistake please destroy it.

Please consider environment before printing this e-mail and giving it to your Dragon to burn it.

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Ealasaid Council Member

Ealasaid

Posted
Posted

To: The Honorable Prince of Dorne

From: Joer Mormont, Lord Commander of the Watch

Dear Sir,

I know I have taken a risk in sending the golden dragon attached to this missive. There's a chance you may not return it to me, along with a few golden dragons of your own to support our good work here at the Wall.

When Bran the Builder (we think) established the Wall, it was really golden dragon after golden dragon from people like you that helped conquer the North and keep the White Walkers at bay.

Since it has been over 8000 years since a credible sighting of a White Walker has been reported, you may wonder why are we still asking for your golden dragons? Because we are losing brothers on rangerings beyond the Wall at an alarming rate.

Lately, we have been experiencing a high rate of lost amongst our Brothers. Just recently, Ser Waymar Royce went missing without a trace, and we sent a party out to scout for him. And that party is worryingly late in returning. Our Watchers are still losing their lives to protect the South from the consequences of any breach of the Wall.

Equally troubling is the reports of White Walkers we have had from commonfolk at Eastwatch, and the contorversy over the comet hearlding the end of this very long Summer.

So, please, return your golden dragon to us with your gift of 1000, 500 or even 100 dragons. We respectfully ask that you not send Highgarden gold, as we have difficulty receiving a fair rate of exchange here in the North.

Thank you so much for your kindness.

Gratefully,

Joer Mormont

JM/st

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