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Funny fake letters

cravenravenkeeper

By cravenravenkeeper,
in General (ASoIaF)

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dolorouseddwasright Council Member

dolorouseddwasright

Posted
Posted

*performing thread necromancy*

To: Eddard "Ned" Stark

From: Robert Baratheon (with all that royal shit, you know what I mean)

Dude, I was going to ask you to be my hand, but I got a better idea now. Why don't we just leave the kingdom to my oldest kid, even though he's a shit, and go off somewhere? We can just hang out, whoring, and fighting, and drinking. It will be like old times, even though you never really got into the whoring and drinking thing. But we could really have some fun. What do you say?

Bob

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Myrish swan Noble

Myrish swan

Posted
Posted

To: Rhaegar Targaryen

From: Princess Elia Martell,

My Dearest and ever loyal husband,

First, I'd like to apologize if this letter does not reach you for some time. You see, I don't know where in the seven hells you are, so I just sent out a dozen guardsmen to search until they find you. Not that that will be easy!

Haaha, I am only joking my love! I am making light of the situation because I realize that every second you are away from me must be agonizing. How can any man, even one as great as you, stand being away from the one woman he loves? Indeed, these past few weeks we've been apart have surely been, for you, devoid of all joy.

Oh, but I must come out and admit it now! The real reason I'm writing to you is because (and see if you can even believe this here).... I actually thought you might be interested in another woman! I know, it's strange to even write that down! After all, your explanation for giving the Stark girl the crown of love and beauty rang completly true. (But I still wonder, how was it that I never knew you suffered from random spells of total blindness and muscle spasms before? It seems strange that this never came up in 5+ years of marriage!) At any rate, you could hardly help riding up to her (since, as you told me before, you mistook her for me!) And then you could hardly help flinging the flowers at her (with those violent muscle spasms and all!)

Still, I admit it, I'm having my doubts. After all, did you really have to spend hours every day up in your room, drawing hundreds of pictures of Lyanna Stark? Also, when you sang songs on your harp about your "true love," did you have to always say "my true love Lyanna?" Of course it means nothing (Nothing!) that you said her name, but it would have been lovely if you would have said "Elia" just once during the 217 times you sang it.

Also, there was that time you called out "Lyanna," when we were... you know. Oh, but what am I thinking. That meant NOTHING! I'm sure you were really thinking of me the whole time, as you told me.

But oh, my one and only faithful husband, how silly I'm being! I'm sure you'll be back in a few days, and we'll have a laugh about this whole thing! I'll be waiting for you patiently in the Red Keep, just as I promised.

Your loyal wife and only love,

Elia.

P.S. By the way, maybe this is just me, but I think your father's been acting a bit... strange.... lately. But I'm sure I'm just imagining things as usual.

P.P.S. Since we're all friends now, I was thinking that it would be fun to have the Stark girl and that nice boy she's betrothed to over some time to Kings Landing for tea. I'm sure the young lord of Storm's End will be just thrilled to meet you!

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Ragnarok73 Sellsword

Ragnarok73

Posted
Posted

To: Cersei Lannister

From: Arya Stark

Subject: DIE, YOU STUPID!

Dear camel's cunt,

I'm training real hard with Needle where I'm at, but I will come to see you soon so that I can stick Needle up your cunt. I wish I was there to see Joffrey die, but I heard he was poisoned, so he probably wasn't squealing like he did when Nymeria nearly bit his arm off. You killed my stupid sister's wolf, though, so I will kill you too. Don't die before then, stupid.

P.S.: I wonder if Tommen will squeal like his brother when I stick Needle into him?

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AHackeySackOfIceAndFire Hedge Knight

AHackeySackOfIceAndFire

Posted
Posted

*performing thread necromancy*

To: Eddard "Ned" Stark

From: Robert Baratheon (with all that royal shit, you know what I mean)

Dude, I was going to ask you to be my hand, but I got a better idea now. Why don't we just leave the kingdom to my oldest kid, even though he's a shit, and go off somewhere? We can just hang out, whoring, and fighting, and drinking. It will be like old times, even though you never really got into the whoring and drinking thing. But we could really have some fun. What do you say?

Bob

To: Robert Baratheon

From: Eddard Stark

Subject: Re: whoring

Oldtown, Braavos, or Qarth? How far away we tryin' to get? I don't want Catelyn to find me, but I don't speak Valyrian either.

BTW did you see I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant this week? Cuz I'm pretty sure that was one of the Fossoways you said you banged.

Ned

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Myrish swan Noble

Myrish swan

Posted
Posted

To: Robert Baratheon

From: Eddard Stark

Subject: Re: whoring

Oldtown, Braavos, or Qarth? How far away we tryin' to get? I don't want Catelyn to find me, but I don't speak Valyrian either.

BTW did you see I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant this week? Cuz I'm pretty sure that was one of the Fossoways you said you banged.

Ned

To: Lord Eddard Stark

From: Her Grace the Queen Cersei Lannister

Subject: The Little bastard one's death care

Dear Lord Stark,

Through means unknown, word of my honored husband beggetting a little bastard newborn child upon a certain Fossoway has reached me. Tell me Lord Stark, would you mind sending me the full name and address of this woman and her abomination bastard baby? I would be forever beholden to you. I should love to send them a fruit basket or something. Remember, my Lord Stark, be kind to me, and I will be very kind to you.

Honorably Yours,

The Great Queen Cersei

P.S. Oh, and if you could also mention any places near the baby's residence that are completely secluded (and where no one would hear an infant and its mother screaming) that would be wonderful!

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King Greyjoy Commoner

King Greyjoy

Posted
Posted

To: Lord Balon Greyjoy

From: Euron Greyjoy

RE: A certian chair on Pyke

Dear Balon:

I am coming home, Brother! I heard you had raised arms against Westeros again and I feel compelled to come and help you. (considering how you'd never be able to do it on your own. Victarion is a worthless git.) Consider my reaving expireance, so you don't gut me the minute i step on shore. Also, i'd like to have a private chat with you once i arrive, so maybe we could talk on one of those, wooden, ricketey, extremeley dangerous bridges soon? Oh! i also got stuck with a faceless man that is following me home, don't be alarmed. at all.

Your unquestionably loyal brother.

Euron.

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Regel Commoner

Regel

Posted
Posted

To: Jon Snow ([email protected])

From: Eddard Stark ([email protected])

Subject: Your true parentage

This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification

Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently:

[email protected]

Technical details of permanent failure:

PERM_FAILURE: SMTP Error (state 14): 550 Requested action not taken: mailbox unavailable

Subject: Your true parentage

In-Reply-To: <51744970344336956433@unknownmsgid>

Mime-Version: 1.0

Content-Type: multipart/mixed;

----- Message truncated -----

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Alytha Council Member

Alytha

Posted
Posted

Status Update, Jeyne Westerlings Facebook page:

Castle was just stormed by Northmen; Robb Stark, King in the North wounded, and after I cared for his wounds he asked me to MARRY HIM!! I said YES! Im Queen Jeyne now!!!

Tywin Lannister likes this.

Facebook relationship status update: Jeyne Westerling is now married to Robb Stark

Comments:

Catelyn Stark: I wish there was a "dislike" button!

Grey Wind: *growl*

Walder Frey: Congratulations! I'm looking forward to congratulate you in person on occasion of your uncle's wedding! Do bring your little whore er, queen along!

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Whatever Council Member

Whatever

Posted
Posted

To: Jon Snow ([email protected])

From: Eddard Stark ([email protected])

Subject: Your true parentage

This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification

Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently:

[email protected]

Technical details of permanent failure:

PERM_FAILURE: SMTP Error (state 14): 550 Requested action not taken: mailbox unavailable

Subject: Your true parentage

In-Reply-To: <51744970344336956433@unknownmsgid>

Mime-Version: 1.0

Content-Type: multipart/mixed;

----- Message truncated -----

Awesome :D

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overcomebyfumes Squire

overcomebyfumes

Posted
Posted

To: Lord Roose Bolton

From: Acme Bloodletting and Flaying, LLC

My Lord,

It has sadly come to my attention that our Department of Accounts Recievable has yet to receive payment for shipments of our De-Luxe Kingly Leeches (one dozen/unit) on 5/28, 6/04, 6/21, 6/28, 7/09, 7/17, and 8/12.

Your account is more than 120 days overdue, and we will suspend shipments of De-Luxe Kingly Leeches until full payment of 9 silver Stags reaches us.

Your son has also recently placed a large order of flaying instruments with us, and we were forced to inform him that we will be unable to ship his order until your account is made current.

Sincerly,

Ser Boyle

Chief Warrant Knight, Accounts Recievable,

Acme Bloodletting and Flaying, LLC

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Myrish swan Noble

Myrish swan

Posted
Posted

To: Lord Balon Greyjoy

From: Euron Greyjoy

RE: A certian chair on Pyke

Dear Balon:

I am coming home, Brother! I heard you had raised arms against Westeros again and I feel compelled to come and help you. (considering how you'd never be able to do it on your own. Victarion is a worthless git.) Consider my reaving expireance, so you don't gut me the minute i step on shore. Also, i'd like to have a private chat with you once i arrive, so maybe we could talk on one of those, wooden, ricketey, extremeley dangerous bridges soon? Oh! i also got stuck with a faceless man that is following me home, don't be alarmed. at all.

Your unquestionably loyal brother.

Euron.

To: Euron Greyjoy (a.k.a. Euron the STUPID!!!)

From: King Balon Greyjoy

Re: You can't fool me!!

Euron:

What made you think I wanted you home, you two headed octopussy? If I wanted you home, I would have written you and said so.

Well, now that you're coming I suppose that I could allow you to run a few missions for me. These missions will be numerous and all suicidally dangerous. Needless to say, I will not be compensating you in any way for them... the gratitude of a great man like me should be all the reward you need. Also, the minute you are done serving me in this war, your exile is back on.

Regarding our meeting, I must say-- Euron, you can never trick me? Do you think I am a fool? The Kraken would never walk into an obvious trap like this one.

No, I absolutely refuse to meet you in person... instead, I will arrange a private meeting with your "faceless man" on a highly rickety and dangerous old bridge. (This is to ensure my own safety.) Furthermore, for the sake of precaution, I think the meeting should occur in the middle of a windy, dangerous thunderstorm.

Ha! Didn't think old Balon would be so clever, now did you? But I am one step ahead of you, Crow's eye, always one step ahead.

Yours,

King Balon Greyjoy

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Myrish swan Noble

Myrish swan

Posted
Posted

Status Update, Cersei Lanister's Facebook page

Relationship Status: Single

Hey, Lancel, Osney Kettleblack, and Moonboy, too-- I'm newly single again! I hope we're still on for tonight! Remember, we meet in the tower of the hand at midnight. I'll bring my crown, and 'yall bring the leather, oil, and moon tea. See you soon (and I promise you'll be seeing a whole lot more of me!)

Oh, look, Maester Pycelle is standing over my shoulder right now. What's that old man? You say everyone in the land can read this? Fool! No one else can read this... I've specified that it's for Lancel, Osney Kettleblack, and moonboy-- it will surely be invisable to all others! Honestly, must I be surrounded by such incompetent fools!

Comments:

Lancel likes this.

Osney Kettleblack likes this.

Moonboy likes this.

Tyrion Lanister: Hahahah!

Jaime Lanister: Cersei... we need to talk.

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Buckwheat Council Member

Buckwheat

Posted
Posted

Littlefinger likes this too.

High septon: Repent, my child! Save your immortal soul before it is too late, sinner!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Samwell Tarly

To: Randyll Tarly, Lord of Horn Hill

Re: winter camp

Dear daddy,

It is really very nice here in the winter camp you have sent me to. I met plenty of new friends, the best are Jon, Pyp and Grenn. Can they visit me, when the camp is over? Pleeeeeeease?

Unfortunately, some of the other boys are mean to me and they are trying to beat me. I told it to the teacher, ser Alliser Thorne, but he did nothing about it, so they went on doing it. Then they suddenly stopped. I think Jon did something about it, but I cannot be sure about it because he would not tell me. I just know that he is a really good friend. He has a large white wolf that I am not scared of because he is tamed. Well, the teacher Thorne does not like him, so he is not allowed to be there while we are practising with swords.

They have a very good cook here whose name is Hobb. He is one of my friends too and he always gives me more food when I say that I like his cooking.

That would be all for now, I have to go and watch tonight with Matthar so that the boys from the other camp behind the Wall do not come and steal our flag. Give my best regards to mum, Dick and my sweet sisters too.

Your loving son,

Sammy

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Breakspear Sellsword

Breakspear

Posted
Posted

To: Eddard Stark ([email protected])

From: Jon Arryn ([email protected])

CC: Stannis Baratheon ([email protected])

Subject: Serious Business

Ned,

You will not believe what I just figured out!

Read the attachment, there is some very important information about our mutual friend Robert in there. It is absolutely essential that you read this.

Jon

P.S. I've not been feeling too well recently, is there something going around?

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Blackfish Blues Landed Knight

Blackfish Blues

Posted
Posted
Blackfish Brynden Tully, retweeted by Jon Arryn

I don't need no @HosterTully. Cya at the #BloodyGate, bitches.

ROFLMAO :agree:

Catelyn: Uncle, I thought you were still seeing that Kingsguard guy?...

Arthur: Vows are vows. We do not form bonds with anyone.

Barristan Selmy unfriended Brynden Tully and Arthur Dayne

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