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Werthead

GOODKIND IV

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dealing with subjectivists and your post-modern weirdo multiculturalism wouldn't be nearly so tedious if any of you had an ounce of sense, but seeing as you squander your brainpower on banalities like sarcasm, time to grab you kicking and screaming towards the truth:

TG is out to save the world, including all of you stupid Martin-reading fucks. he does this in so many subtle ways that you can't even notice them, obsessed as you are with surface details and "writing quality." want examples? need textual bases to fuel your otherwise paranoiacal take on literature? fine. here are a few moments of deep, relevant commentary that have completely flown over your radar:

1. the chicken that isn't a chicken: honestly, TG needs to explain this one? it's not even allegorical--he's telling you to buy organic. giant crap-dealers like KFC endanger the public good with mutant chicken-zillas standing nine feet at the shoulder, composed of nothing but breasts, giant thighs and the odd tentacle. TG is telling you to beware of these "chickens" that are, by any biological standard, most clearly not chickens. then again, seeing what forum this is, you fans of the *illustrious* Tyrion Targaryen are all about hypersaturation of breasts and thighs. :rolleyes:

2. Brainwashed children begging for peace. TG doesn't pull any punches, because he's trying to watch out for you, your tax-dollars, and the good of the international community. this is an obvious comment on the inefficacy of the UN's Commision on Human Rights, a poorly-concealed ploy by corrupt "Africans" and their ilk to try and promote outmoded values like communistic thinking, capitulationist peacemongering, and disease eradication. their eruption into flames is TG's way of showing where these values will lead us if we don't nip them in the collective bud: rampant epidemics thanks to diseases we've "eradicated," like smallpox, cowardice in the face of threats to the species, and the pernicious belief that children are in fact people.

3. Kahlan's sexual congress with a man besides Richard during menstruation: Once again, the obtusity of this forum beggars the imagination. Didn't your dads ever tell you, "Ride the Red River, but never drink from it" ?! What's next, does TG have to come out and say "don't pour bleach into your coffee?"

then again, maybe that would do some of you some good. lord knows literacy hasn't.

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Will anyone else be sad when Terry finally finishes the Sword of Truth series? Isn't there only one more book that's coming out and then Richard and Kahlan's moronic adventures will all be over?!

I think one of the things that makes Terry so funny and easy to mock is that he comes equipped with the entire package.

If Terry was just a bad author, then I don't think we would have wasted thousands of posts on him. I mean, Robert Newcomb is twice as bad as Terry but trying to find a Newcomb thread on these forums is like hunting for the body of Jimmy Hoffa.

No, Terry is special because he combines bad writing with an a ridiculously rigid ideology. The only other author who comes close to this would be L. Ron Hubbard, and he's dead. Hubbard is easily more absurd than Goodkind (at least until Terry takes the final step and launches his own religion), but again threads dedicated to Hubbard are few and far between. My theory is that even though Hubbard may be as, or even more mockworthy than Goodkind, he is dead, and interest in your body of work tends to fades when you've been fertilizing daisies for a number of years.

I have read a couple of Stegoking's posts where he hypothesized that the only reason everybody hated Goodkind was because they were leftist/centrists and hated his objectivist ideology. To me this explanation falls short of fully explaining the Goodkind phenomenon on this board.

The reason Goodkind is able to generate his anti-popularity is because he is the Elvis of bad writing. No other author today is able to generate the same level of ridiculous prose, laughable plots, insane ideology, and kooky fanbase. In a word, Goodkind has synergy.

But what will happen to all with Goodkind mocking once his last book is published? Will this all die away? Will GioG fade into the mists of time?

I can only hope and pray that Goodkind's final Sword of Truth novel will not mark the end of his writing career.

But how could Goodkind top himself? What will be his next move after he finishes the Sword of Truth?

A long time ago I thought I read somewhere that Terry was planning on writing a philosophy textbook, which sounds.... dull.

What is your opinion? Will Terry keep writing fantasy that is not fantasy or will he explore uncharted territory? With Stephen King retiring the horror field is wide open for some dynamic young go-getter to snatch the crown.

What about Romance? If you go back and re-read Goodkind III you will find that excerpt I copied from "Blood of the Fold." A man who writes a seduction scene like that could easily churn out dozens of romantic potboilers.

What about Science Fiction? Goodkind in space! ZOOM! ZAP! I see hear the laser blasts and spaceships in my mind's eye!

Or will Terry do a 180 degree turn? What about an illustrated children's book to inculcate objectivism in the young?

The possibilities are endless.

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IIRC Terry said he has no idea when (or if) he'll ever be able to finish the sword of truth series. So, much in a Jordan kind of way, the series could very well go on for decades.

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Has anyone here got Chainfire? For the next quote of the day, can we please have the part when Nicci gets Richard to unzip her dress so that the bad men escorting her into the enemy camp will be looking at her boobs too much to recognise her face?

That scene doesn't go very far, its stupid, but not stupid enough perhaps for the QotD. But on a similar line of thinking, Kahlan did something similar, yet far more absurd, in Stone of Tears. So her naked strategy wins out as todays Terry Goodkind Quote of the Day.

At this point in our story, Kahlan is with the remnants of the Galean army, they are going to attack the Imperial Order forces in a daring night attack, despite being outnumbered ten to one. Kahlan explains her strategy to Captain Ryan, and the need for washtubs filled with whitewash.

"So, are you going to tell me, now, what it is we're to paint?"

Kahlan nodded. "Those thousand swordsmen."

He stared, dumfounded. "We're going to paint the men? Why?"

"It's simple. D'Harans fear spirits. They fear the spirits of the foes they kill, that's why they drag the bodies of their fallen comrades away from a battle site, like Ebinissia.

"Tonight, their fears are going to come to haunt them. They are going to be attacked by the thing they fear most: spirits." <I do believe in spooks, I do I do I do>

"But they will recognize us as soldiers, simply with white clothes, not as spirits."

Kahlan looked at Captain Ryan from under her eyebrows. "They will not be wearing clothes. They will have nothing but their swords, painted white, just as are they. They will remove their clothes just before the attack."

His mouth dropped open. "What?"

"I want you to get the swordsmen together, now, and assemble them here. They're to go into the tents, remove their clothes, and dip themselves in the whitewash. After dunking themselves, they will stand near the hot rocks until dry. It won't take long. Then they can put their clothes back on. Until the attack."

Captain Ryan stood in shock. "But it's winter. They'll freeze without clothes."

"We have a break in the bitter cold. Besides, the cold will remind them to rush in and rush back out. I don't want them to stay in that camp very long. The enemy will recover from their shock in short order, and set upon any invader. I want our men to attack, kill terrified D'Harans, and escape. <a brilliant plan so far>

"As I said, D'Harans fear spirits. When they see what they will at first think is their worst fear, they will be stunned. Their furst thought will be to run, not to fight. Men die as easily from a sword through the back as through the front. Some will freeze in place, not knowing what to do. Even those who recognize the invaders as men painted white, and not as spirits, will be confused for a moment.

"Those few seconds of confusion, as we come upon each new group, are the seconds we need to run them through. In battle, the difference between killing, and bieng killed, is often a single moment of indecision." <blah blah blah, Kahlan continues to wow him with her tactical genius, he's suitable impressed until he finds out that she plans to go along>

Captain Ryan took a step back. He was aghast. He regained the step. "But Mother Confesser...you're a woman. And not in any way an ugly woman." Seemingly involuntarily, he took a quick glance the length of her. "In fact, you are...Mother Confessor, forgive me." He fell silent.

"They are soldiers with a mission. Make your point, Captain."

His face filled with blood. "These are young men, Mother Confessor. They are...Well, you can't expect...They are young men." His jaw moved as he tried to find words. "They won't be able to help themselves. Mother Confessor, please. You'll be embarrassed byond all tolerance." He winced, hoping he wouldn't have to explain further.

She gave him a small smile to try to ease his horror. "Captain, have you heard the legend of the Shahari?" He shook his head. "When the tribes and lands now called D'hara were being forged together, the method of conquest and joininng were much the same as it is with the Imperial Order <and Richard later on> -- join with them, or be conquered. The Shahari people refused to join into D'Hara, and they refused to be conquered.

"They fought so fiercely that they came to be greatly feared by the D'Haran troops, who outnumbered them many times over. The Shahari loved nothing more than fighting. They were so fearless and aroused about going into war that they went into battle naked and, well...aroused."

Kahlan looked up to see Captain Ryan staring, mouth agape. She went on. "The D'Harans all know the legend of the Shahari. They all, to this day, fear the Shahari." She cleared her throat. "If the men go into battle, and ...that...happens, it will only bring greater fear to the men of the Order.

~Terry Goodkind, Stone of Tears

Kahlan seems to know a hell of a lot about D'Harans and how they think. Considering she probably never met any.

Its really something that such an incredible war machine as the D'Haran army, which otherwise is feared and respected throughout the rest of the story as nearly invincible, will be completely unmanned by people painted white, especially if they spring wood. "Oh no! The spirits are coming to get us! And have sex with us!!!! Dear Creator, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

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You know, while other QotDs have been morally reprehensible and pretty dumb in their own right I feel like I actually lost a piece of my brain just by reading this nonsense. I especially like how being naked and painted white is a foolproof plan, but if they had clothes on then the enemy would see right through the ruse.

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You know, while other QotDs have been morally reprehensible and pretty dumb in their own right I feel like I actually lost a piece of my brain just by reading this nonsense. I especially like how being naked and painted white is a foolproof plan, but if they had clothes on then the enemy would see right through the ruse.

And fighting with a hard on is the best way to fight. It is known.

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I can only hope and pray that Goodkind's final Sword of Truth novel will not mark the end of his writing career.

But how could Goodkind top himself? What will be his next move after he finishes the Sword of Truth?

Come on! Who here believes for one minute that when the Sword of Truth "ends" there will be a couple year lull and then Terry will announce, "I was sitting there and I realized that I had another story to tell...that the death of Richard in the last book was not the death of Richard, but the search for more moeny that isn't really money..."

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I keep thinking that we must be running out of stupid quotes by now. But they seem inexhaustable. :cry:

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The chapter ends thusly:

She dragged her hand through the whitewash. It was hot, like a wonderful bath. But this was no bath. She lifted her legs over the edge one at a time, and eased herself down into the silky-smooth white water. Her breasts felt buoyant in the milky pool. For a few minutes, she draped her arms over the sides of the tub, closed her eyes, and pretended it was a hot bath. She wished so much that it could be a bath. But it wasn't. <just so you understand, this is a bath that isn't a bath>

It was something she did to keep some men alive, and to kill others. She would wear white as the Mother Confessor always did, but it would not be her dress, as always before.

Kahlan lifter her father's sword and held the hilt between her breasts, with the length of the blade running down her body, against her belly, and between her legs. She crossed her ankles and kept her legs apart so as not to slice her thighs on the weapon. She held her nose closed with her other hand, squeezed her eyes shut tight, took a deep breath, and then submerged herself.

~Terry Goodkind, Stone of Tears

When the Mother Confessor prepares for war, its almost porn.

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Sword as Dildo? That's going to leave a mark. I like that it's her father's Sword, too. Creepy. That's a remarkable quote of the day, thank you. But I do think TG will end the series, eventually. As for his next project?

Well, you've heard of movie remakes, they happen all the time. TG's follow-up book will be a line for line remake of Atlas Shrugged.

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the bath that is not a bath :rofl:

i still fail to see how whitewashing yourself is going to make someone think you're a ghost. didn't they have any sheets lying around? too bad she didn't disembowl herself with that sword.

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Welcome to the reality that is not reality of Terry Goodkind, Lady L! :P

:cry:

It is a dark and scary place. And the chickens are restless.

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Well, you've heard of movie remakes, they happen all the time. TG's follow-up book will be a line for line remake of Atlas Shrugged.

You know, Jorge Luis Borges must be rolling in his grave at that thought. Ever read his story "Pierre Menard"? If not, read it. It's the story of a person who sets out to recreate, word-for-word, Don Quijote without copying it. The twists and the ultimate meaning to the story is something else. And maybe that would make for the ultimate Goodkind tribute/parody, the complete recreation of Wizard's First Rule, in which each word would be exactly the same as Goodkind's, but that it would read as a dark comedy rather than what the author intended it to be.

So meta, that.

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They were so fearless and aroused about going into war that they went into battle naked and, well...aroused."

That Mother Confessor she is so funny, using aroused instead of excited or anxious to set up the joke.

I’m kinda curious how effective naked, aroused and freezing men can be against a well disciplined force. But its Goodkind’s world so I’m sure they were more effective then I suspect.

Kahlan lifter her father's sword and held the hilt between her breasts, with the length of the blade running down her body, against her belly, and between her legs. She crossed her ankles and kept her legs apart so as not to slice her thighs on the weapon.

Ugh.. :sick: :o :/

Umm… how wide was this tub? Because to cross my ankles and keeping my legs apart takes some room.

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Has anyone here got Chainfire? For the next quote of the day, can we please have the part when Nicci gets Richard to unzip her dress so that the bad men escorting her into the enemy camp will be looking at her boobs too much to recognise her face?

That has got to be the stupidest concept I ever heard. Reminds me of rogues shouting "Look! A distraction!" then pillaging the royal treasury while the guards are searching for that distraction.

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I’m kinda curious how effective naked, aroused and freezing men can be against a well disciplined force. But its Goodkind’s world so I’m sure they were more effective then I suspect.

Naturally, the enemy gets slaughtered, like so many unarmed peace protesters.

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That has got to be the stupidest concept I ever heard. Reminds me of rogues shouting "Look! A distraction!" then pillaging the royal treasury while the guards are searching for that distraction.

If only they had Legolas handy to point out that it was a diversion this plan would never have worked.

You know the more Goodkind quotes I read the more I start to think he's some kind of mad genius. Not that you can read the books, that takes way too much investment of time. But just imagine them as films! That'd be the best laugh you could ever have in cinema outside of a George Lucas love scene. (that's a love scene written by George Lucas not one starring George Lucas by the way, the latter would be horrific, not funny).

CGI evil chickens that are not chickens, people in white paint with boners, slaughtering hippies and kicking the teeth of children right down their throats. It'd be like American Psycho but with Gars.

And imagine the merchandising spin offs. Richard's rising "thing", of course the chickens and plush, machine washable Noble Goats.

It'd be awesome.

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CGI evil chickens that are not chickens, people in white paint with boners, slaughtering hippies and kicking the teeth of children right down their throats. It'd be like American Psycho but with Gars.

If we could get the MST3K guys to do their thing I'd back it myself.

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Okay, that is sucky writing, although I've read worse from college students whose papers I've had the misfortune of grading.

I've never read Goodkind's books, so this harebrained scheme has to be a joke, right? Right? Com'n he can't be serious! Oh god, he is! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Has Terry ever heard of archers?

I think we should all get together and chip in and buy the learned Goodkind a copy of Clauswitz's ON WAR so that he may develop an appreciation for the limited effectiveness of cheap gambits and tawdry strategems in the face of mass, momentum, speed and time, and learning. Hell, even Jomini would do! Shit, force him to sit down and play ROME Total War and see just how long his precious naked fanatics last against professional troops capable of sophisticated combined arms operations. Perhaps a reading of the Roman and Byzantine empires's experiences with being rather unimpressed with painted goofy Gaul-types might show him the error of his ways. Failing that, perhaps he needs to take a look at Steven Erikson.

"Yes, flash your tits and we will win, as an entire army of tens of thousands will be so wowed by the ultimate sexiness of Terry Goodkind's alterego's primo fantasy lay"

As one whose philosophy mixes political realism on national security and approves of American hegemony (properly run) and neoclassical liberal economics, Goodkind is a colossal embarrassment.

Goodkind does a disservice to his philosophy by not challenging it, so that we may learn from our shortcomings and try to do better in being true to our beliefs and recognizing the limits and weaknesses of our beliefs. He makes John Ringo look good.

Christ, I'd rather read Chomsky, at least that octagenarian knee-jerk predictable has-been hippy who hasn't written anything original since the New Mandarins in 1968 was provactive, as opposed to Goodkind's pretentious trash. Not to mention the fact that CHomsky did revolutionize the study of linguistics, whereas Goodkind is a hack artist who can't even draw his own maps!

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