theMountainGoat Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 A bromide can also be a document which is clean, finished and presentable. A term used in the print industry for a proof. In the sense it is used by TG he means as a document of philosophy by which a person guides oneself. I hate to not say anything negative about the man but in this one instance Tairy is correctly using the English language. As for what his bromide says about him, ye Gods what an ego :sick: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penandink Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 These recent parodies have been great, guys -- especially the Tairy Allan Poe! However, I've got to ask you, Min, are you INSANE? Soul of the Fire? It's lethal! I don't understand why you're trying to kill yourself, but I'm begging you, read Naked Empire instead. It's a quicker death. You don't need to suffer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myshkin Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 Labyrinth A Myshkin Joint Part Four Kahlan and Gratch walked through a forest, which had mysteriously popped up in the middle of the labyrinth. “Graaatch scaaared,†whimpered Gratch. “There’s nothing to be scared of, Gratch,†said Kahlan as Gratch fell through a hole in the ground. Kahlan walked on for several miles before she noticed that Gratch was missing. “Gratch,†she called, “Gratch, where are you?†Suddenly a group of invisible lizards showed up. There were five of them all told, and they looked like maybe they’d been smoking a little too much pot. “Hey, what’s this,†said one of the lizards. “Looks like this girl’s lost,†said another. “Maybe we should help her out,†said a third. Cue slightly cool reggae beat The invisible lizards go into a fairly long song and dance about something or other, which is not helpful in the least. Fed up with the stupid lizards Kahlan ripped their heads off and ran away laughing like an idiot. Instantly she came to a rock wall. “Oh no,†said Kahlan, “how am I gonna get up this?†Suddenly a rope came slithering down the wall. Instantly Kahlan looked up and saw Zedd at the top of the wall. “Zedd, you came back,†she cried joyously. “Of course I came back, I couldn’t let a great rack like yours wander around here all alone, could I?†Kahlan hauled herself up the rope and embraced her friend, both of them chortling with joy after being apart for so long. Suddenly they fell through another God damned hole in the ground. Instantly Kahlan and Zedd found themselves on a small strip of land in the middle of an awful smelling swamp. “Oh shit,†cried Zedd, “we’re in the Bog of Eternal Stench. Oh, it’s horrible.†“It’s not all that bad,†opined Kahlan, “Richard eats a lot of raw meat, so his BM’s smell much worse than this.†“That’s fucking disgusting,†gagged Zedd. “Kaaaalaaarg,†came a mighty roar. “Gratch,†Kahlan squealed as the lovable gar came running over. “Zedd, this is Gratch.†“Oh great, a furry dinosaur, just what this story needed,†said Zedd, but his sarcasm was lost on Kahlan. “Well, let’s get going,†said Kahlan, far too happy for a person in her situation. The three of them walked for some time, Zedd and Gratch choking on the stench. Suddenly they came to a stone bridge. “Halt,†yelled a little midget woman dressed in skin tight red leather. “Who are you,†Kahlan asked instantly. “I am Cara,†said the midget woman, “and I am sworn to guard this bridge.†“Bags, woman, get out of our way,†cried Zedd as he tried to shove past Cara. Instantly Cara had a strange phallic device in her hand, which she used to zap the shit out of Zedd. “Son of a bitch,†screamed Zedd as Gratch charged into battle with Cara. The battle was epic and seemed to go on for days, though in reality it only lasted 4 seconds or so. When it was over Gratch and Cara stood staring at each other with admiration shining in their eyes. “You are a worthy adversary,†said Cara. “Graaatch luuurg Caaaraarg,†said Gratch. “Cara, we really need to reach the castle, can we please cross,†asked Kahlan. “Of course, m’lady,†said Cara, “In fact I would be honored to accompany you on your noble journey. Betty,†she called shrilly, “Betty get out here now.†And out from behind a tree galloped the noblest goat Kahlan had ever seen. “With such a noble creature on our side we are sure to succeed,†cried Kahlan joyously. “Let us be away,†said Cara as she mounted Betty the goat. Together the little group of free and noble individuals traveled for miles and miles. Suddenly Kahlan was very hungry. “I’m hungry,†she announced without preamble. Instantly Zedd offered her a peach. It was puke green and smelled like ass, but Kahlan was so hungry she ate it anyway. Instantly she knew something was wrong. “Zedd, what have you done,†she demanded woozily. “It weren’t my fault,†Zedd cried as he backed away, “Jagang made me do it.†And with that he turned and ran. Kahlan was starting to hallucinate now. She saw Jagang standing erect, masterful in his Commie King outfit. He looked like a statue of what he was: one of the greatest English musicians of all time, especially when he teamed up with Queen for that one kick ass song, you know the one. Suddenly she was at a wondrous masquerade ball. Instantly her eyes found Jagang across the room. In a daze she tried to reach him, but he always seemed just beyond her grasp. She was becoming desperate now, but just when all hope seemed to be lost, Jagang stepped up behind her and took her in a manly embrace. It was the most magical moment of her life, dancing with this masterful specimen of a man. “I love you,†she whispered. “Just you shut your mouth,†purred Jagang as the world went black. Stay tuned for the powerfully instant conclusion of Tairy Goodkinds Labyrinth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deluge Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 However, I've got to ask you, Min, are you INSANE? Soul of the Fire? It's lethal! I don't understand why you're trying to kill yourself, but I'm begging you, read Naked Empire instead. It's a quicker death. You don't need to suffer. I dunno, Naked Empire has always struck me as being worse than Soul of the Fire, but maybe that's because I read it more recently. Soul of the Fire makes up for its horrible commentary on political correctness by having Dalton, who, as has already been pointed out, is Tairy's only grey character (incidentally, before I became a freedom hating commie, it always struck me as weird that Richard has so little sympathy for Dalton at the end of SotF, even though he really helps Richard out by taking out his enemies and giving him the Sword of Truth back. Doesn't Richard go as far as to say that he'll kill Dalton if he ever sees him again?). Naked Empire, in addition to making pacifists out to be dangerous, also does away with one of the few of Tairy's plot devices that was interesting, namely Richard's vegetarianism. But no, we can't have Richard expressing remorse for killing people when we have all of his underlings running around torturing people in the name of moral celery. It's like you can see Tairy getting more insane as the series goes on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mad Monkey Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 I dunno, Naked Empire has always struck me as being worse than Soul of the Fire, Soul of the Fire? It's lethal! I guess none of you have gotten to Pillars of Creation yet. It looks like it's the book that turns many of Goodkind's fans away from the series. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moosicus Posted March 1, 2007 Share Posted March 1, 2007 I guess none of you have gotten to Pillars of Creation yet. It looks like it's the book that turns many of Goodkind's fans away from the series. Well, its this book, and its bad, but just kinda boring bad. The other books are bad because they stand for something. It also doesn't contain as much rape as the others, IIRC, so most tairy fans probably get turned off by that. The lack of Big Dick and Kahlan the Uberwhore are the books only redeeming qualities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penandink Posted March 1, 2007 Share Posted March 1, 2007 I say Naked Empire is a quicker death because it's half the size, you see. Though the number of sermons doubles, because we can't leave any out even though it's a shorter book. But yeah, I actually found Pillars of Creation different enough to be okay, in that they lacked the 2 most annoying characters I'd ever seen, and introduced the NEW most annoying character I'd ever seen (Jensen). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myshkin Posted March 1, 2007 Share Posted March 1, 2007 I say Naked Empire is a quicker death because it's half the size, you see. Though the number of sermons doubles, because we can't leave any out even though it's a shorter book. But yeah, I actually found Pillars of Creation different enough to be okay, in that they lacked the 2 most annoying characters I'd ever seen, and introduced the NEW most annoying character I'd ever seen (Jensen). It also introduced Betty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moosicus Posted March 1, 2007 Share Posted March 1, 2007 Oba was kind of funny, but not enough to offset the idiot Jennsen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watcher Posted March 1, 2007 Share Posted March 1, 2007 "Stop chasing those chickens, Richard!" snapped Kahlan. She only said this because she was tired; she didn't really mean to be nasty to Richard. It was just that Richard had been chasing chickens for hours now and she thought it was stupid. Chasing chickens was a stupid thing to do, but she knew deep down Richard must have a good reason for it. Still, she was tired of all this chicken-chasing because they'd been doing it all day. She wished Richard would just stop chasing chickens. You are kidding, right Min? That's not an actual quote from the book is it? That writing is only 2 steps away from See Spot, See Jane. I saw a couple of Goodkind books at the used book store. I'm really glad I resisted the urge to buy it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myshkin Posted March 1, 2007 Share Posted March 1, 2007 Labyrinth A Myshkin Joint Part Five Kahlan awoke to find herself lying atop a large pile of garbage. Instantly she jumped to her feet and gazed, dazedly, at the surrounding landscape. Garbage and more garbage as far as the eye could see. She had no idea where she was or how she had gotten there. All she knew was that her mouth tasted of peach and ass, and she needed some water badly. After wandering aimlessly through the garbage for some time, Kahlan suddenly spotted Sir Truthalot, her favorite vibrator, lying on the ground in front of her. “Sir Truthalot,†she squealed with joy, instantly picking up the vibrator. Suddenly an old hag appeared out of nowhere, “Who the hell are you,†Kahlan demanded. “Now now, dearie, it’s just old Shota,†cooed the hag, “You’re just confused and lost, and Shota has come the show you the way home.†“Oh, thank you,†said Kahlan as a door instantly appeared in one of the piles of garbage. Shota led Kahlan through the door, and Kahlan miraculously found herself in her own bedroom. “Oh, it’s so wonderful to be home,†squealed Kahlan. But suddenly she realized that something was very wrong; this wasn’t her room at all. It was just the inside of a hollow trash heap. Instantly at that moment Gratch and the gang came crashing through the wall. Zedd suddenly kicked Shota square in the jaw. When boot connected with jaw Kahlan could see it shatter like a crystal goblet on a stone floor. The impact of the blow lifted the old hag into the air. Her own teeth severed her tongue before they, too, shattered. Shota landed on her back, a good distance away, trying to scream through the gushing blood. Instantly Kahlans memories came flooding back to her. She suddenly remembered where she was and what she had to do, “We need to get to the castle and save Richard,†she loudly declared. The little group set off and soon found themselves standing at the gate to the Commie City. In the interest of saving time and space, they found the gate unlocked and unguarded. Cut scene “Your Majesty, your Majesty!!!†“What is it, Major Tom?†Jagang asked lazily. “It’s the girl,†cried Major Tom, “She’s in the city.†Jagang instantly sprang up from his throne, “She should have never made it this far,†he cried, “Major Tom, call the guardhouse and tell them that the girl must be stopped at all costs.†And with that he strode manfully from the room. Major Tom instantly sprang into action, “This is Major Tom to ground control,†he sang into his walkie-talkie. “Go ahead, Major Tom.†“I’m stepping through the door, and I’m floating in a most peculiar way, and the stars look very different today,†sang Major Tom. “What the fuck are you on about,†asked the ground control operator. “Sorry, I just had to do it,†said Major Tom, “Anyway, the Commie King says that the girl must be stopped at all costs.†“10-4, Major Tom. And, in the future, try to refrain from singing songs that don’t pertain to the source material.†Cut scene Kahlan and the gang slowly made their way through the Commie City, stopping occasionally to admire the spectacular architecture. Suddenly they were standing in front of the Kremlin castle gate. Instantly an army poured through the gate. “Halt, girl,†said Major Tom, “Your little journey is at an end. We have you surrounded and outnumbered.†Kahlan instantly remembered something Richard used to say when he was drunk on turpentine: when you are outnumbered and surrounded on all sides, you must attack. Suddenly a war broke out. The commies had brought an army with them. They may have thought they had the upper hand with their superior numbers, proven tactics, and rigid discipline. But Kahlan knew better; they were no match for her small group of free and noble individuals. The commies fought like a giant centipede. Kahlan squished that centipede beneath her mighty boot. Instantly the war was over. “That was easy,†said Zedd. “Oh man, I didn’t get to torture anybody with my phallus agiel,†complained Cara. “Bawk-bawk-bawk,†bawked Betty the goat. “Graaaatch luuurg poooop,†said Gratch, and he pooped. The group-that-was-not-a-group (they were individuals, after all) marched purposefully through the gate and into the castle. After walking miles of corridors, and never once encountering a guard, they instantly found themselves in the throne room. Jagang was nowhere to be seen. “He must have gone through that door,†said Kahlan brilliantly, pointing at the only door. “Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go make that evil bastard eat his own balls,†screamed Cara, like a maniac. “No,†said Kahlan, “I have to do this alone.†“But why,†asked Zedd. “I don’t know,†answered Kahlan, “All I know is that we have to follow the source material.†“Oh, yeah, I forgot about that,†said Zedd. Kahlan marched up to the door, and stopped. Before going through the she whispered to herself, “Boobs, be true this day,†then she crossed the threshold. Kahlan suddenly found herself in an M. C. Escher print. Instantly at that moment she saw Richard. He was standing in the fourth dimension. She could tell that his thing was rising with rage. Richard hated the way that Escher subverted the Truth of stairways. There was no way she could reach him, he might as well have been in a different dimension. Oh wait, he was. Suddenly Jagang appeared atop the stairway across from her. Kahlan ran. Jagang ran. Richard ran. Then all the guys started to run. A really cool scene followed, wherein everybody ran all crazy like up and down stairways at strange angles. Suddenly Kahlans entire world shattered like the jaw of a small girl. Instantly she found herself standing on an island of stone floating in a sea of nothingness. Jagang appeared as if by magic and strode manfully toward her, his feathered hair glistening with manly glitter. “I have defeated your labyrinth,†intoned Kahlan, “Now I want Richard back.†“Please, take him,†pleaded Jagang, “I can’t stand that asshole. He never shuts up, and he’s carved everything I own into ridiculous statues.†“I won’t take no for an answer,†Kahlan said, “I want Richard back.†“Weren’t you listening? Didn’t you hear what I just said? Oh, fuck this, I’m done with you idiots.†Jagang snapped his fingers and the world fell away. Kahlan suddenly found herself standing in her own living room. Instantly she raced up the stairs and into the nursery. Richard was there, sleeping like a baby, his mighty hands wrapped lovingly around Sir Truthalot. Kahlan breathed a sigh of relief, “It’s over, it’s all over,†she whispered to herself, as she walked to her room. Once in her room, Kahlan sat down at her vanity and stared at the mirror. Suddenly she was overcome with the sudden longing to see her friends. Instantly her friends appeared. “You’re here, you’re really here’†squealed Kahlan as she grabbed them all in a group hug and chortled with pleasure. Zedd laughed. Cara laughed. Then all the guys started to life. ~Fin~ Roll credits Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Wolf Maid Posted March 1, 2007 Share Posted March 1, 2007 Wow. You guys got that far in SoT? I only got up to the time Kahlan ran a sword through Richard, and I only got there by skipping all the chapters until the end. I wonder if large amounts of alcohol was consumed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinDonner Posted March 1, 2007 Author Share Posted March 1, 2007 You are kidding, right Min? That's not an actual quote from the book is it? That writing is only 2 steps away from See Spot, See Jane. I saw a couple of Goodkind books at the used book store. I'm really glad I resisted the urge to buy it. It's not a real quote, but it's not too far off the actual book - there are literally dozens of scenes like that where something happens, then Tairy explains what happened in jaw-shattering detail. It's like a bad comedian explaining his jokes. "Take my wife - please! Geddit?! You thought I was just using my wife as an example, but actually it was a request! Isn't that funny? Cos actually I hate her! And I want you to take her away! Hahahaha!" As to why I chose SotF over Tairy's many other worthy tomes, that's entirely because it's the only one I could find in the secondhand bookshop. I never read any of his "work" before I came to the boards, so I don't have the extensive back-catalogue of you other lucky lucky people. Strangely, there were several copies of SotF available - I suspect their previous owners were all found dead in mysterious circumstances, having clawed their own eyes out. I may get back to reading it this afternoon... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moosicus Posted March 1, 2007 Share Posted March 1, 2007 Myshkin, bravo I laughed, I cried, I tasted a bit of vomit at the back of my throat. As for this reread project, we have two people rereading sotf, one person rereading botf, is anybody else doing it? I may do a phantom reread (god help me) to brace myself for confessor, but I was hoping to avoid that for a while. Maybe I'll do a quickie of poc. We'll see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nerdanel Posted March 1, 2007 Share Posted March 1, 2007 Going back in this thread a little, I've been trying to wrap my head around the concept of oppressing a minority with political correctness. (I had bailed out with Goodkind by that point.) It just doesn't make sense to me. I wonder if someone could explain it a little better. Trying to guess, is it something like that the Haken are appreciably smarter and stronger and more honest than the Anders and nobody is allowed to say that or allow that to reflect hiring decisions? (If that's the case, I think we can add the crypto White Power tag to Goodkind...) Political correctness, a tool of oppression - that doesn't compute to me at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nerdanel Posted March 1, 2007 Share Posted March 1, 2007 Fireheart Richard's New Adventure (Abridged version) The goats were restless, and the humans didn't know why. The former city of Aydindrill, nowadays known as Aynrandill by Lord Rahl's degree, lay under a magnificent spring sun. It looked like a normal day. But it wasn't. Lord Rahl had decided to take a look at this particular part of his realm. Richard teleported to the central square with Kahlan and a flock of Mord-Sith in tow. His appearance was accompanied by a flash of black lightning with rainbow fireworks and an extended organ fanfare. Richard understood the value of public relations. All around the central square people turned to stare. Little girls in their padded jaw-protection outfits run in terror to their mommies. Richard glared at the children menacingly, daring them to make a wrong move. The people at one particular street café looked unimpressed. In fact they didn't even move. In fact they were dead and buzzing flies. The owner of the café lay among them, which explained why nobody had bothered to call the privatized waste disposal. "It looks like those people ate some yellow sweet pepper and didn't know about how you poisoned all the yellow fruit in Midlands last month in order to get at the socialist Sisters of the Red," Kahlan said. "Sucks to be them," Richard commented. "Really, how hard is it to avoid yellow fruit?" Cara said. "You poisoned all the brown food in the Old World to kill Jagang Jr. and his testicle-eating army, and still the Old World managed to come up with Jagangina the Nippleless and her nefarious plot to find the long-lost Boxes of Chaoden in order to make every Collectivist equally omnipotent." Cara had forgotten that Richard had cast a Memory Charm over Midlands to prevent anyone ever realizing that yellow fruit was poisoned so that no sympathiser could warn the Sisters when it turned out that the Feminine Supremacy Ceremony with its ritual pepper eating would be delayed due to Chase's unforeseen resistance to torture. "And people wonder why I had to cast the Ritual of Atomic Fissioning on the Old World to defeat Jagangina," Richard said. "The Oldworlders truly deserved that for not having stopped Jagangina, and so did the traitors who complained. With my moral celery - I mean clarity - I have made the world a better place. As you all know, when I gathered the whole set of the Wafers of Mass Destabilization and did away with the molecular structure of the Ancient World and its sinister Czar-Wizard Jimikarter, none of the cursed peace protestors was alive to complain." Richard chortled. Kahlan chortled. Cara chortled. All of the generic Mord-Sith chortled. A blind, one-legged veteran of the wars against Jagang (the original version) did not see who was coming and extended an arm with a tin cup, begging for alms. Richard's thing immediately rose in him and he kicked hard the lazy bum. The bum's jaw shattered like glass and he flew fifty meters in the air until he collided with a building and lay on the ground like a limp rag of discord. "This brings to my mind," Richard asked Cara, "how's the charity program going?" "Very well," said Cara. "Our agents have identified more than the target number of serial charity-givers. Soon we will have a fresh batch of Mord-Sith." Of course it wasn't illegal to give to charity. That would have been infringing on people's freedom to be stupid. However, the youngest of Richard's Mord-Sith was by now in her mid-thirties and threatening to develop wrinkles. Richard has found out that War Wizard powers made him immortal and eternally young, but they did not extend beyond a War Wizard and his wife. Richard needed fresh blood. A good, vicious Mord-Sith had to have been an especially gentle girl, and there the flaw of having charity-genes in one's genome was actually a virtue. So logically the best use for weak-minded charity-givers and their spouses was to be tortured to death in the training of a Mord-Sith. Richard was sure about that, and as he was always right, he did not doubt himself. After the training was complete, he would take the girls to a park and teach them how to feed chipmunks, thus restoring them to truth and emotional balance while retaining their useful abilities. It was flawless, as only a plan by Richard could be. Suddenly, the sun grew dark. The earth shook, throwing Richard, Kahlan, Cara, and the generic Mord-Sith all over the place. Instantly a vast chasm appeared that spouted smoke, fire, and brimstone. A dark shape instantly rose from it. With terror Richard realized that it looked like a gigantic evil chicken - but it was not a chicken. It cackled a horrific chicken cackle. "The day of doom has come!" the chicken that was not a chicken and was not a Chime either screamed. "You will all die! Those that do not die will be raped to death repeatedly if female! The males who do not die will be tortured to death! The rest will be read Communist Manifesto for days on end until they turn into demons!" "Who are you supposed to be?" Richard said. "I am the Keeper, the Lord of the Underworld! Terry Goodkind has promised to finally end this series, honest, not lying, and he needs something more special than yet another trumped-up villain like mecha-Violet or the Dread Gandhimancers of the Northlands with their hunger strike power. Let's see how you can handle the Devil himself, eh?" "Blade be true this day," Richard said, looking magnificent in his dark black War Wizard outfit, a shining beacon of the purest nobility of the human spirit, undaunted by the evil creature in front of him that wanted to bring him down to blackness with it like a rain shower dampening a campfire of black flames. * "Richard, where are you?" Kahlan shouted. But she was all alone. Suddenly a big, dark shape rose in front of her. It was... a namble! Kahlan looked at the namble in terror. It was very big and scary and it had a cock that was also very big and scary and barbed besides. A cock that was aching to rape her. Kahlan felt a sinking feeling of de-ja-vu. "My name is Helps-Little-Old-Ladies-Across-the-Street! I am an unholy knight of Hell's vile knighthood of the Slaves of Common Decency! I will rape you!" the namble roared. Kahlan stood petrified by terror. She knew that her Confessor powers did not work on demons. The namble misinterpreted her silence. "Okay, it's not a fancy knighthood like the Reapers of Desolation or the Paragons of Altruism, but for a muggle like you it's plenty! What are you, a princess or something?" The big, barbed namble cock advanced inexorably. Kahlan squaked out, "I'm more than a princess, I'm the Mother Confessor! Look at how long my hair is. You are not worthy to rape me." "Hair-length denoting social status? That's ridiculous," the namble tittered. "That's like something George Lucas/Chris Claremont might... Nah. I think rather... It must be some long-haired hippie author with a yeard..." The namble stopped wondering and started to prepare raping her. It ripped open her white Confessor dress with its big, unbarbed namble hands and bared her big, unbarbed Confessor breasts, Kahlan hit the namble with her Confessor power. There was a thunder without sound. "Mistress, forgive me!" the namble begged. "I thought my Confessor power worked only on humans, but in thinking that way I was violating myself and my own supremacy. In truth I can charm anything, and I bet that even my Confessor power's cooldown timer was only a mental conceit. Now that I have realized the truth, my worsening hay fewer will vanish," Kahlan realized. "You namble, cut off your big, barbed namble cock, eat it with your small, barbed namble testicles, and then kill the namble yourself." The namble obeyed instantly. Unfortunately a dozen nambles had been watching from the shadows. They attacked Kahlan all at once with magic and bound her with a magic chain."This beauty is great for the Keeper's private harem/synchronized swimming team. They can use girls with a spirit there!" the namble leader said. Another said, "She obviously can't deal with our Fireheart magic. This world will be ours, collectively!" The namble leader laughed. The namble second-in-command laughed. The namble who had just spoken laughed. All of the nambles laughed. "Richard!" Kahlan shouted dejectedly. She knew that she loved Richard more than life itself and could not bear to be parted from him. * Zedd and Adie finally came to their full senses in a forest clearing. The last remains of the total mind-fog caused by their tragic and accidental digestion of Bangle Berries were finally gone, as the curative Warp Fungi had done their work. But some of the after effects were to remain. Zedd tried to take a step. He couldn't. He was rooted to the ground. "Bags! By casting a minor light spell at the moment of the Triple Ninth Echo I have turned myself and Adie into trees... permanently, I fear!" Zedd exclaimed. * Richard swirled like death incarnate and the Keeper couldn't keep up. The chicken thing cast bolts, balls, and chain-lightnings of substractive, divisive, and derivative magic and tried to bite Richard with its chicken beak, but Richard had the skill of every one of who had wielded the Sword of Truth and blocked effortlessly all of the attacks. Bringer of death. "Don't be stupid. I'm not alive and therefore I can't die," the Keeper said. "And yes, I can read your mind. That "bringer of death" line is just stupid, like the entirety of you. You will never find the ancient Manual of Keeper-Destruction, for I have already sent my servants after it." "Your mindless evil is no match for the power of Objectivism!" Richard shouted. "You are wrong! I am the most brilliant and vividly-imagined villainous being in the history of the universe! I'm smarter than Lord Foul! I'm more powerful than Morgoth in his early years! I'm more evil than Hannibal Lecter and you combined! And best of all, I'm not some motivationless cardboard villain, unlike every other Dark Lord in fantasy! My actions are motivated by my devotion to the ideology of Evangelical Evilism! I will crush you utterly and without mercy and there's not a thing you can do to stop me!" The Keeper's smugness made Richard even more angry. Instantly his anger made him win the war. The Keeper chickened out and started to run, its wounds healing instantly and its decapitated chicken head knitting back in place. "This isn't over yet!" the Keeper shouted. "This is the ending decalogy for all the Richard-related series, and there's still nine books left of that! I have plans!" "I, as the smartest and most powerful person in existence, will outwit you and beat you up! Then I will continue with many more adventures." Richard said. "This whole world will end," the Keeper said. "This series has gone on for far too long. The publishing of it will cease after this final ten-volume attempt to wring the last drops of money from the ex-fans who still want to see how it ends." The Keeper teleported away, but Richard had cast the Trace Teleport spell and followed it to Hell. In Hell Richard saw the Keeper rise to a taxi, which vanished into the traffic, leaving Richard all alone among the skyscrapers. But he was not alone. He had a purpose with him, a purpose to save Kahlan (who undoubtedly needed rescuing, since she'd been alone for at least fifteen minutes now) and to stop the forces that sought the destruction of his world. He started striding purposefully down the street. The Fireheart decalogy will continue with the next installment, "The Naked-" ----- "Aaargh! Get him of me! I have a murderous madman with a sword in my office! Now he's cutting me with that sword! I'm dying, dripping blood on my keyboard from a massive chest wound, and now the madman is making a speech about the importance of loving life by killing book publishers, if you can believe it, or something like that and... lkjsdef... I can't type properly anymore... This is the end... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moosicus Posted March 1, 2007 Share Posted March 1, 2007 Going back in this thread a little, I've been trying to wrap my head around the concept of oppressing a minority with political correctness. (I had bailed out with Goodkind by that point.) It just doesn't make sense to me. I wonder if someone could explain it a little better. Trying to guess, is it something like that the Haken are appreciably smarter and stronger and more honest than the Anders and nobody is allowed to say that or allow that to reflect hiring decisions? (If that's the case, I think we can add the crypto White Power tag to Goodkind...) Political correctness, a tool of oppression - that doesn't compute to me at all. Okeedokee, here goes. The Hakens were a warlike people who conquered the Anders centuries ago. The Anders gradually took over from within and now oppress the Hakens, citing their evil warlike ways as the reason for not allowing them to read or carry weapons (or have last names for some reason). The educational system (which doesn't teach reading apparently) is used to constantly reinforce the notion upon the Hakens that they are evil and deserve to be kept down. I believe the Hakens represent "whitey". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moosicus Posted March 1, 2007 Share Posted March 1, 2007 "Big unbarbed Confessor breasts", sweet!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myshkin Posted March 1, 2007 Share Posted March 1, 2007 From Booklist~ With Fireheart Mr. Nerdanel has set the bar for parody fiction. It has all the essential elements, a douche bag hero, a simpering and idiotic woman, a thoroughly wicked chicken intent upon conquering the world with altruism, and a host of minor, but vividly realized, mord-sith and Nambles. Fireheart may be Mr. Nerdanel's first parody but it is nevertheless impressive. The simplistic world and assholeish characters will appeal to mature parody afficianados. This text refers to an out of print edition Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Wolf Maid Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 Wonderful parody! I hope you get immediate hospital attention. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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