The Sleeper Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 I realize I am a minority, but I would actually love to read about Asshai and a slave revolt in Volantis. I also wouldn't mind a trip to Mantarys and Valyria.Worst possible scene: Dany sits on the Iron Throne having united Westeros under her rule with Jon as King. I' m going to pretend the serries ended with Storm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chise Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Maponus, we're holding you personally resposible if any of these ARE in the books! just so you know... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Golden&Crimson Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Rickon: I don't like this davos seaworthOsha: Then just eat your vegetablesYes, Rickon should eat his vegetables; old Davos isn`t very tasty! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allyria Dayne Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Dany sits on the Iron Throne, becomes as mad as her father, and decides to go back to Meeren, the only place in which she feels happy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bastard Walder Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Littlefinger: Sansa come quick! It's your brother Rickon, he's here!*Sansa rushes into Littlefinger's room, only to have him close and lock the door behind her*Sansa: What? Where's Rickon?Littlefinger: Now you'll know why I'm called Littlefinger... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
d_mess Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 At the wallJon: I confess my treason and vow breaking in the sight of gods and menShireen: My mother wishes me to let Jon rejoin the nightswatch, and Melisandre has begged mercy for her demi-god. But they have the weak hearts of women! Bring me his head!*Slice*ElsewhereDarkstar: OH HAI IM A TARG!Tyrion: Im Aerys' son!Griff: Yes, it turns out I am in fact AegonHowland Reed: Just so you guys know, Lyanna had triplets trolllolllolololThe ValeSandor: Hello little birdSansa: Oh Sandy, I love you. Are you also a vampire and werewolf? Will they make a movie about our love? I already have a name for it in mind. Starts with a T. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seanbean4lyfe Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Littlefinger: Sansa come quick! It's your brother Rickon, he's here!*Sansa rushes into Littlefinger's room, only to have him close and lock the door behind her*Sansa: What? Where's Rickon?Littlefinger: Now you'll know why I'm called Littlefinger...this was my reaction...face expressions included :dunce: Wait, what? :stillsick: oh god, that just happened :ack: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW :bawl: PLEASE DONT LET THIS HAPPEN :bang: knowing GRRM it fucking will Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Der Anarch Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 Maponus, we're holding you personally resposible if any of these ARE in the books! just so you know...Don't burn me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Der Anarch Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 PentosMaigister Illyrio: Oh nice it is to see you again, your grace.Dany: ARE THOSE SLAVES?Maigister Illyrio: Why yes. Do you want them to pleasure your royal c***?Dany: DRAGONS! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stannis the Great Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Howland Reed: And so the Dragon Prince became enchanted with the Wolf Maid who was the Knight of the Laughing Tree and together they sired you Jon Snow. We found you in the Tower of Joy after fighting the bravest 3 White Swords in the land. The Wolf Maid on her death bed told the Quiet Wolf to protect the secret of her Dragon Wolf child.Jon Snow: Who the fuck are all these people?Howland Reed: I'd thought it was pretty self-explanatory. Anyway the Crannogman, the Quiet Wolf and the Dragon Wolf travelled to Starfall to present the sword Dawn to the Maid with laughing purple eyes. The Quiet Wolf and the Maid with laughing purple eyes were in love and she agreed to help protect the secret of the Dragon Wolf. We stayed at Starfall for months to recover and to create a plan to shield the Dragon Wolf from the eyes of the Storm King. While we were there the Sun Prince came to pay his respects for the White Sword of the Morning I remember you became very attached to both of us. If memory serves your first words were both of our true names! Well obviously not, you could only manage to call me, Howland Reed, Ho which was very cute and affectionate. Every time you saw the Sun Prince you called him Dor. One day while the Crannogman and the Sun Prince were hunting, the wet-nurse Wylla swore that you were calling out for both of us, combining your nicknames for us into Ho-Dor.Jon Snow: Oh shi-Howland Reed: And for the rest of our stay that was the only word you could say. Hodor. Hodor. Hodor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Der Anarch Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 The CrossingMrs Frey: My husband has died peacefully in his sleep, surrounded by his loving family, happy with the knowledge that he has risen his House higher than ever before. Before dying, he told me "Seven Bless the dear children whatever your name is, and tell them their progenitor is proud."Freys: Ahhhhh.Mrs Frey: He has decided in his wisdom to divide out his lands fairly and equally to all his children, even to his bastards, to ensure peace and tranquility will reign in the Riverlands forever.Freys: Ahhhh.Mrs Frey: I suggest we build a great Sept in his honour, and rename the King's Road "Walder's Way". The Lannisters shall not oppose us in this, for they are our puppets, and we are bound to the Tyrell's, Martel's, and Arryn's by marriage pacts. And we have been promised that the King's heir shall wed a Frey!Freys: Hooray!Mrs Frey: I will also take this opportunity to announce the capture and execution of Lady Stoneheart achieved with the aid of this lovely Faceless Man from Bravos, who's also agreed to help us hunt down Sansa Stark and the vile cannibal Rickon.Ayra: I'm nobody. I have no feelings either way.Mrs Frey: And-Bran: JUST STOP PLEASE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buckwheat Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Wall"And now his watch is ended." Lord Steward Bowen Marsh put the burning torch to the pyre with the body of their late Lord Commander Jon Snow. The men watched as the flames spread and devoured the corpse. Behind them, Leathers, Wun Wun, Tormund and other wildlings turned crows freezed in the ice cells.Only a few hours later, the newly elected 999th Lord Commander Bowen Marsh ordered: "Seal the passage through the Wall."Citadel"Sorry, Sam. I thought you would have managed it. This exam should really be the easiest," Alleras comforted Sam after he emerged from the rooms of Archmaester Walgrave.""Pigs have nothing to do here," Leo Tyrell observed casually. "They are all too stupid to learn anything, lat alone become a maester.""Oh, I am such a craven ... I will never be a maester! I am already here for two years now, and I am still a novice, without a single link! Every time I step in front of an Archmaester, I just ... freeze! I do not remember anything, although I knew everything only a minute ago! Oh, how can I ever be a maester ..." Sam cried."Sorry, Samwell Tarly." Archmaester's voice was icy, it remembered Sam of his father's voice whenever Sam had disappointed him. He often had. "You have not forged one link in two years. We have no place for you anymore. You will have to leave here and return to the Wall without a chain.""So, I got kicked out," Sam told Gilly. "We still have no maester at the Wall and I proved myself as a craven." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queen Cersei I Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Scene: SkagosOsha and Riccon are roasting marshmallows. Enter Davos Seaworth.Davos: Ah, my lord Riccon, at last I have found you! I must return you immediately to his Lordship Manderly, so I can resume my rightful position as hand to his Grace, Stannis Baratheon, the rightful King of Westeros! Immediately!Osha: First we’d like to finish eating.Davos: Ah, but my lady, there is no time! We must return at once! At once I say, to mine own sire, before the fearsome influence of the dreaded red sorceress Melisandre leads my lordship his grace into…. Hey, are those marshmallows?Riccon: Yep.Davos: Well move over and give me one!Riccon hands Davos a few marshmallows and he starts roasting them over the fire.Osha: Erm, I thought you were in a hurry?Davos: Meh, it can’t be all that important. Honestly, what could go wrong in a few weeks?Scene: At the wall:A nightfire, led by Melisandre and Jon SnowMel: ….And the night is dark and full of terrors! And Jon Snow is the TRUE Azor Azai! All this and more has been revealed to me by the face of the red and fiery and omnipresent deity, R’hollor!A few days later, at the wallQueens Men: …For the night is dark and full of Terrors, oh, save us, oh mighty R’llorr!Enter Stannis, half starved and covered in snow.Queens Men: Stannis!King Stannis: Yes, fools, it is I, your rightful king! I have survived and made it back to you to exact rightful homage.Queens Men: Erm…….King Stannis: Well, what are you waiting for, fools! Bow Down to ME!Queens Men: Well, ya see, Stan, it goes like this. We all thought you died. So we went ahead and listened to Mel, who insisted that we start following the newly resurrected Jon Snow. It turned out, he fit the whole Azor Azai reborn prophecy waaaaay better than you did. And he was a much nicer guy, to tell ya the truth. So we have since adopted worshiping Jon as are rightful savior and king of Westeros. We’re following Jon S. now. Hope ya don’t mind!Stannis: (Grinds teeth.)Later at the wall. In Jon Snows rooms, where Jon and Mel are enjoying a candlelight dinner.Stannis: Melisandre! I have returned!Melisandre: Oh!Stannis: Why are you not kneeling? Oh, never mind. Come to my bedroom at once, Melisandre. I have great need of you. I have not been able to partake in our nightly union of opposites for the sake of the red god for months now. From the moment I caught sight of your gorgeous face, long, flowing red hair, slim, nubile form, and large, round, melon shaped breasts, I have been feeling particularly pious. No, I would not have words with you, my lady. To my bedroom, at once!Melisandre: Ah, but my lord…Stannis: No, fool, you mean, “your grace,”Melisandre: No, I mean, my lord… I apologize, but I will not be able to resume our prayers together. You see, me and the true Azor Azai here (nodding in Jon’s direction)Jon: (Laughing nervously under Stannis’s death glare) Well, this is awkward!Melisandre: Have started a romantic relationship in your absence. Oh, don’t look so upset Stannis—it is almost primarily centered around sex, rather than true emotional bonding! You see, after you “died,” Jon was killed and “resurrected” in true Azor Azai fashion. When I witnessed in his truly miraculous recovery, I was astounded, and quickly discovered that he fits the ancient prophecy of the foretold savior in ways you yourself never, ever could. Similarly, he has provided me with sexual release and intellectual stimulation in ways that you yourself were never able to.Jon: (Laughing again) REALLY awkward.Melisandre: So, you see, Stannis, I have switched my loyalty totally from you to Jon Snow. I can now see that he is the rightful king of Westeros, the prince who was promised, and Azor Azai reborn, whereas you are just your typical, balding, dried up middle-aged man. And since you yourself have assured me that our once or twice daily bedroom devotions to the red god are strictly a matter of duty to you, and something you take no true pleasure in whatsoever, I’m sure you won’t mind that I am calling them off. So, in short, I’ve switched and am now supporting Jon Snow as King of Westeros, rather than you. Hope ya don’t mind!Stannis: (Grinds Teeth)A Few days later, at the wall. The nightswatch is eating dinnerMessenger: Everyone! Nightswatch men, Melisandre, Stannis, Great Lord Commander and King of Westeros Jon Snow, the first of his name—I have news!Jon Snow: What is it?Messenger: It turns out that there is one last true Targaryen heir, Danerys Targaryen! She is the mad Kings daughter, and true heir to the Iron Throne. And a the moment, she is headed right here, for Westeros!! Oh, and, King Jon Snow, it turns out you are also her nephew, the son of Lyanna Stark Targaryen and Rhaegar! You are both the true heir and the intended romantic partner from Danerys Targaryen! What say you?Jon Snow: Yep, I knew that already. Melisandre told me. It’s all good.Everyone: Huzzaah!!!!!!!!!!!!!Melisandre: Long live the fiery Targ princess, and Jon Snow, her icy soul mate—the two true rulers of Westeros!!!!Everyone: Huzahhhh!!!!!!Enter Dolores EddDolores Edd: Hey, everybody, I made us all some t-shirts! (Pulls out t-shirt). They say “Team Danerys/ Jon Snow” on ‘em!Everyone: Huzahhh!!!!!Stannis: (Grinds teeth)Scene: At the wall, in a castle. Stannis, Axel Florent, Selyse, and Selyse’s mustache are all gathered, deep in conversation.Stannis: (Grinding teeth). So, you are sure, man? You are sure it is the only way?Axel: Oh, your grace, it is the only way.Selyse: (pathetically grasping on to Stannis, only to have him push her off, shudder, and start scrubbing the place he touched with hand sanitizer.)Oh, my husband, I swear, you must do it!!!!! You simply must do it, if you are good, decent, and believe in the light. You must do it, or you will be responsible for the destruction of Westeros itself!!!Stannis: But are you SURE?Axel: Trust me, your grace. We are pretty much two one-dimensional cardboard cutouts, pretty much here to encourage you to do the UNTHINKABLE. So, yes, you must do it. You simply must. Myself and your similarly one-dimensional wife do insist upon this shocking course of action.Stannis: (Grinds teeth.)Scene: SkagosOsha, Davos, and Riccon continue roasting marshmallowsOsha: (To Davos) So, you’re sure you can just hang out here for now for the next few weeks? No, you know, adult responsibilities, or anything?Davos: No, of course not. Well, my king is an unstable, intense man given to extremes at the best of time, who is currently being led around by a loony, fanatical priestess who has led him to murder, fratricide, necromancy, and an assortment of other, similarly heinous crimes against nature. Burning people alive is currently one of his frequent vices. Recently, he tried to do that with his innocent, 13 year old nephew in the attempt to wake a bunch of dragon sculptures, because his nutty advisor lady told him to do so. That was a little troubling.But, never fear! I took the nephew away, saved the day, and now that dark chapter in his life is all over. I mean, it’s not as though Stannis has any other vulnerable children with kings blood and no defense against him hanging out around him, does he?Scene: A castle at the wall.Shireen sitting on the floor and playing. She is playing with a carved piece of wood and a bunch of “ABC” blocks. The piece of wood is carved into a skull. The letter blocks are spread around her in a circle, spelling out “D-O-O-M.” Enter Stannis, teeth a grinding.Shireen: Well, hello, daddy! What are you doing here?Enter Val.Val: Child, child—listen to my words, for I know the truth! You are DOOMED! I can see the frightful scales that malign your face are but a chilling prologue to the fate that awaits you! (Screaming) DEATH!!!!! DOOOM!!!! And (deep breath) FIERY, EPIC DESTRUCTION!!!!!! Farewell, thee dead girl. And remember—this rather portentous, unnecessary, and vaguely ridiculous interlude is but a foreteller of thee doom that awaits thee, dead girl!!!!Exit ValScene: SkagosDavos: Those marshmallows almost done, Osha?Osha: Yes, M'lord. Erm...when you said there was no one around Stannis with kings blood, did you remember, erm... well, he has a daughter, doesn't he, m'lord?Davos: Mmm... marshmallows... and.. what? Oh, yes, he does. Shireen. Sad little tike. Hey, the marshmallows are almost done!Scene: The wallEnter patchface, carrying some kindling and several jars marked “wildfire.”Shireen: Daddy, what are those for?Patchface: I may be a crazy, half-witted fool, but even I can tell where this is going! This I know, oh, oh, oh!!!!!Scene: SkagosDavos: Damn, Osha, these marshmallows are delicious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queen Cersei I Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 Kings Landing, mid bookCersei: Wow, I’ve really enjoyed torturing Lancel, the septa’s, and a bunch of other random innocent people in a way that has been graphically (and disgustingly) described for readers. Now I’m going to rub my hands together and laugh over my brilliance, like a comic book villain. Oh ha ha hahahahaha!!!!!Enter Jaime.Jaime: Cersei, how could you. You evil woman! How could I have not seen this earlier! I guess sleeping with you must have impeded my powers of though, morality, and common sense. But I am freed from the warm, evil grasp of your dread mantrap now. Never again will you have me in your evil clutches.Cersei: Nooooo!Jaime: Yes.Cersei: You are off the Kingsgard! I can’t have you around while I’m alienating allies, endangering my own children, and basically running kings landing into the ground! It will be just distracting! Jaime: I’ll see you in a couple of books, when its valanquar time!A few years Later, somewhere in Westeros:Jaime then proceeds to wander around aimlessly, doing nothing heroic or of note. He is, after all, a former child of privilege who has been kicked out by the (current) head of his family, Cersei Lanniser. Soon he is starving, with no money and no income. One day he finds a golden dragon in a pile of horse manure, through which he was rummaging, hoping to find some food. Approximately 35 seconds later he runs into Hildy, since Hildy is a camp follower, and whore’s can smell gold from a mild away. Hildy offers to give Jaime some fun, Jaime accepts. But since they can’t either of them afford a room at an inn, they are forced to make due with a nearby stable. As they are undressing and engaging in some general foreplay, Jaime attempts to charm Hildy, giving her compliments to make her feel special and sexy. “Wow, your nipples are huge, thrice the size of my sisters,” he tells her, with an impish grin. Naturally, Hildy is struck dumb by the Kingslayers charm. When they get right down to what Hildy slyly refers to as “the main event,” the Kingslayer tries to impress his little hooker with some wild acrobatic tantric sex. He ends up knocking her into a particularly fresh manure pile. He vomits in his mouth a bit, then proceeds to climb up on Hildy as she lies in the horse shit, and finish the thing. Perhaps Hildy is confused, because her response is not cries of joy but utter silence. Oh, and at the end, she says, “what, that was it? Seriously?” Yes, thinks Jaime, rising from off of his big nippled lady, that was it. May the gods help me! “That was no good. It’s only ever been good with Cersei.” Thinks Jaime. Only he doesn’t just think it she says it aloud. “Dude, screw you. You’re no picnic yourself. And your dick is really, really tiny. I mean REALLY TINY.” Jaime looks down at himself, and is forced to conclude this is true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Verboten Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 Jaime: Despite the obvious foreshadowing and utter improbability of a one handed man escaping the clutches of Lady Stoneheart I have emerged the victorious leader of the Brotherhood Without Banners! WE MARCH TO KINGS LANDING! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bastard Walder Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 Brienne and Jaime go searching for Sansa again.Brienne: Hello fair peasant, have you seen an auburn-haired girl of three-and-ten?Peasant: No, I haven't.Brienne: Darn, it was worth a shot. I didn't have any other leads.Chapter ends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queen Cersei I Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 Brienne and Jaime go searching for Sansa again.Brienne: Hello fair peasant, have you seen an auburn-haired girl of three-and-ten?Peasant: No, I haven't.Brienne: Darn, it was worth a shot. I didn't have any other leads.Chapter ends.LOL.What's so funny (and sad) about that is that it is actually a pretty accurate recap of Brienne's entire POV in AFFC. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Candor Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 Dany: *hiccup* I nnaahh like Westeros and they nnnah like me *drunk as hell*Stannis: *grinds teeth in an agreeing manner*Cersei: *looks around, paranoid* No one's met anyone called a Valonqur, have they?Jorah: Nope, never heard of them. *eyes Dany's heaving bosom lustily*later*singer in the corner begins strumming a tune that sounds oddly familiar*Bard: A BEAR A BEAR! ALL BLACK AND BROWN AND COVERED IN HAIR!Dany: *gets up and starts dancing, mug in hand* SHE KICKED AND SHE WAILED, THE MAID SO FAIR!Jorah: *grabs drunk!Dany around the waist and brings them both to the floor* BUT HE LICKED THE HONEY FROM HER HAIR*insert gratiutous groping scene and some state of undress*Dany: Oh! HER HAIR HER HAIR!*Jorah is occupied so she continues* HE LICKED THE HONEY... FROM HER HAIRRRRRRR *resounding moan*meanwhile at the table...Cersei: Ew, they're not even cousins. Disgusting. I bet I could do that much better than he could, if I was a man!Stannis: *teeth grinding pauses....his ears prick up*Cersei: I should be queen, you know! I would be the best queen, but they didn't give me enough of a chance!Stannis: You're not the heir. *malicious frown and teeth grinding combo, triple points, maybe even a bonus round!*Cersei: That doesn't matter, you frigid sack of dung. God, you're worse than than your brother.Stannis: *ninja jumps over table and begins to strangle Cersei*Cersei: (inexplicably able to form coherent sentences even while choking to death) Valonqur! You're it?! WHY DID I NEVER REALIZE? That bastard Robert is laughing from the grave.... his brother... not my brother.... SCREW THE WORL-- *choke*Stannis: *dusts off hands* Well, at least justice has been done.EDIT: It happened in Vaes Dothrak, but no blood was spilled, so everyone was totally okay with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamilton Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 Darkstar defeats the Hound, Jaime, Garlan Tyrell, and Barristan Salmy in single combat. Out smarts Tyrion and kills him. Bangs Dany and Asha. Then kills them. Then kills Arya, Jon Snow, Dolorous Edd, and Hodor. This is all in TWoW. The next book 1000 page epic of Darkstar choosing what clothes to wear, fixing his hair, talking about how awesome he is, and just monologuing to himself.ORDany marries Victorion.Euron sleeps with her.Victorion kills her.THE ENDHowland Reed- "Well Jon the truth about your parents is -"THE END"All Hail King Qyburn! First of his name! Creeper of Kings Landing! Dissector of Women!"THE END Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queen Cersei I Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 Cersei: Ew, they're not even cousins. Disgusting. I bet I could do that much better than he could, if I was a man!Stannis: *teeth grinding pauses....his ears prick up*Cersei: I should be queen, you know! I would be the best queen, but they didn't give me enough of a chance!Stannis: You're not the heir. *malicious frown and teeth grinding combo, triple points, maybe even a bonus round!*Cersei: That doesn't matter, you frigid sack of dung. God, you're worse than than your brother.Stannis: *ninja jumps over table and begins to strangle Cersei*Cersei: (inexplicably able to form coherent sentences even while choking to death) Valonqur! You're it?! WHY DID I NEVER REALIZE? That bastard Robert is laughing from the grave.... his brother... not my brother.... SCREW THE WORL-- *choke*Stannis: *dusts off hands* Well, at least justice has been done.EDIT: It happened in Vaes Dothrak, but no blood was spilled, so everyone was totally okay with it.I would actually LOVE for the Valanquare to end up being Stannis. That would be brilliant. Ain't gonna happen, but it'd be brilliant. :leaving: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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