Worst Imaginable Scenes from Winds of Winter (spoilers, naturally)

[Raksha the Demon]

16 is still pretty hormonal.

Would you trust a 16-year-old with a Ferrari, let alone a fire-breathing dragon? Dany's just trying to have the girlhood she was deprived of before; deciding whether Hizdahr or Daario will be her date to the prom, whatever. Too bad she has to do that while being the self-appointed Queen of Mereen, a place she does not understand and doesn't want her.

[brashcandy]

Would you trust a 16-year-old with a Ferrari, let alone a fire-breathing dragon? Dany's just trying to have the girlhood she was deprived of before; deciding whether Hizdahr or Daario will be her date to the prom, whatever. Too bad she has to do that while being the self-appointed Queen of Mereen, a place she does not understand and doesn't want her.

Since she gave birth to said dragons, and based on her masterful show of getting Drogon to submit in the pit, I would say yes.

And no, Dany can't be cast in the role of some frivilous high school girl. She's got huge responsibilites on her plate, even if we all don't agree on how she she handled them.

[Queen Cersei I]

Up North at the Wall:

Melisandre: Jon Snow, I'll be frank with you. You are short some allies, and I just lost a particularly promising Azor Azai candidate. Lets make sweet, sweet shadow baby makin love together.

Jon Snow: Well, if I'm ever going to manage to interest even half of the readership, I better get to doing some morally ambiguous shit, stat. So... I'd say fuck yeah, let's do it! And if you've got any nefarious means of ridding me of my enemy "brothers" I'd love to try that, too.

Melisandre: Oh yes, my icy, sweet boy. Simply plunge your hard, cold dagger into my swamp of Assai ish mystery, feel the fire rage through your loins, melt your icy hot sweetness into me, for we are opposites, the fiery red god in his wisdom and goodness created us opposite, opposite! Dark and light, hot and cold, male and female, dagger and swamp! The fiery god with his hot, consuming, lusty wisdom gave us power, the power to create life, to birth shadows! So glide your thrusting blade of "ice" into my swamp of mystical "fire," and with your seed and vital energy I shall make... I shall make... i shall make.. A SHADOW! A shadow of the likes the world has never seen, a dark and sweltering form that will shoot from thy foaming loins, and take shelter in mine own sulfuric womb. A shadow that shall grow to a size of a man grown, in mine own body, a shadow that shall push at my maiden’s form, thrusting and grasping knowing on my savory insides as it pushes, pushes, pushes for the light! A shadow that emerges into the freezing air around us like a balm, reaching it’s nefarious shadow hand through my swampy fires and fiery swamps, and emerging into the light of day to do thine own BIDDING!!!!!!

Jon: Erm…. Maybe we should turn the lights off first…

[Woman of War]

Sandor has left that island for a short excursion to collect some more corpses by the riverbank because he's buried'em all.

"Oh dear sevens, is that YOU?!" He turns - all rasping breath - " little bird!"

"Oh come closer.....closer...closerclosercloser! I remember your .... knife....at my ..... throat ..... oh show me your .... knife again. Where - your belt ..... Let me help you - -

........ Hasn't it been pointier last time, somewhat ...... bigger ..... less grey?"

"You see, it's those damn vows, bugger them! I get all confused, that celiba ... cebila ...celibicy, fuck'em all stuff, can't get that right! And always cold fingers from digging!

Sansa smiles her Iron Maiden smile that had stabbed Littlefinger out of the moon door. "Oh I am a lady and will not complain but I have seen better, bigger and, come to that, more coulourful in my wedding night, sigh"

A small man with a big dragon and a long shadow shows up behind them: "May I help out? I am full of empathy and compassion, my hands are warm and my tongue is not tied .........."

"Oh dear husband, we were just talking of you! Take me with you on dragonback, a warm ride would be fine for my cold thighs by now!"

"Oh I will, I will! I have all kinds of audiobooks for the ride, shall we begin with Decamerone or do you prefer Twilight?" (Sansa retches politely)

"But first I will have to fulfill my duty for the bent and broken things: Sandor, you should not sleep badly all alone. Look, I will make you two sheets of paper, one for the right and one for the left bedpost. You spell the word on it backwards if you can't fall asleep. But keep your hands on the blanket,"

C E L I B A C Y. and. C E B I L A C Y

Sandor takes one paper into his left, the other into his right hand, thankful for the natural remedy for his sleeping disorder. Though somehow it never worked - the imp's health treatments had always been unbecoming.

And the big shadow flies towards the setting sun, melting ladies' armor dripping down ...... Very essential graphically gratuitous sex following

[Candor]

Jon:...........

..........

.............

And then, they made me their king!

THE END.

----

Somewhere in the Riverlands...

Littlefinger: There's something about you that is just so, alluring. Did you do something with your hair? Maybe a little nip-tuck, ooh, you naughty girl...! *wags finger*

Un-Cat: *croak* (translation: Let's do this. I hope your seed sticks to my uterus, babeh.)

[Der Anarch]

Slavers Bay (still)

Town Crier: All hail Daenerys, Queen of the Yunkai!

Dany: Now, before we go back to Westeros, we should do something about this world hunger thing. Now fetch me my Daario, I'm getting all wet and can't concentrate on what you boring old people are saying.

Sir Barristen: *facepalm* Of course your Grace.

Skagos

Rickon: Mmmmm, Onion flavour! Where you get this Shaggy Dog?

Shaggy Dog: Woof!

King's Landing

Cersei: Hey Margery.

Margery: Hey Cersei.

Cersei: What ye doing?

Margery: Sewing. What you doing?

Cersei: Sewing. What you sewing?

Margery: A quilt. What you sewing?

Cersei: A tapestry.

Margery: Oh that's interesting! What of?

Cersei: YOUR BROTHER'S DEATH! HAPPY NOW, BITCH?!

The Wall

Melisandre: Jon has come back to us again!

Lord Commander Dolorious Ed: He's got lovely blue eyes, hasn't he, eh?

Undead Jon: Brains....

Ghost: Woof! Woof woofy Awoof woof! ('Fools! I'm stuck in the bloody wolf now!')

The Great Sept of Balour

The High Sparrow: Wonderful needlework Cersei.

Cersei (head bowed): Thank you High Septon.....

The High Sparrow: Margery, I'm afraid you to do need a little more work on this one, it's falling apart already.

Margery (head also bowed): Yes your holiness.....

*Cersei smiles*

Margery: Bitch....

The High Sparrow: I heard that!

The Tower of the Kingsguard

Jamie: Loras! Loras, Loras, Loras! Loras me ol' pal me ol' brother me ol' mate. Isn't wine.... *hick* ... wonderful?

Loras: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Jamie: Sisters ey, Loras?! Sisters ey?! SISTERS LORAS?! Can't trust 'em can you... Can't trust 'em..... at all!

Loras: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Jamie: One minute they say they want you.... Thas wa dey say, Loras.... Don't ye know it. Den dey get married and go all.... grumpy....

Loras: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Jamie: One day they want ye, Loras, but then they fucking everyone but you.... Lancel and Osey Kettleblack and Moonboy.... Then they go all... dull.

Loras: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah..... Wait what?

Jamie: What? You mean-

Loras: You slept with your?

Jamie: YOU SEPLT WITH YOUR?

Ilyn Payne: *mangled laughter of doom*

The Free Cities

Sir Barristen: At last we are on the way home.

Dany: Oh! Look at that lovely city! What's it called?

Mormont (unsuspecting): Bravos, khaleesis.

Sir Barristen (muttering): You fool!

Dany: Daenerys, Queen of Bravos! *giggle* What you think of that my little Daario Waario?

Daario: I like the sound of it very much.

Mormount (heartbroken): Daario Waario?

Sir Barristen: We should never have let her get used to this.

Dany: Oh yes, and this magical women keeps appearing telling me to go to Asshai. Should I take any notice of that?

Somewhere among Daenerys Camp followers

Tyrion: Where do whores go?

Dothraki handmaid: Yeti. It is known.

[Nausicaä]

I'm not going to try to be funny and will just list what I don't want to see:

Tyrion tames a dragon in a Gary-Stu heroic fashion (maybe getting a couple insignificant injuries in process) instead of getting a "lol, no" reaction from Viserion and Rhaegal and being just a dragon lore advisor/groom/saddle designer.

He's revealed to be a Targaryen prince through Ser Grandfather. Everyone including him suddenly notices that one of his eyes is not actually black, but a purple so dark it looks black and is completely convinced!

Meereen situation is resolved without Dany's involvement at all and her dragons are controlled by Tyrion/Victarion/whatever when she gets back.

Dany doesn't get back and travels east while people actually make off with her dragons.

There are several chapters focusing on Pentos and several about Volantis slave revolt. Just kill me now.

Bonus mention: Sansa/Aegon wedding.

[Pliskin]

There are several chapters focusing on Pentos and several about Volantis slave revolt. Just kill me now.

Well, I'm sorry but... * /me stab you *

I just don't see at all how Martin could go without those chapters.

[Stannis the Great]

Howland Reed:

So Jon Snow we finally meet, let me tell you of your heritage. Right there were 7 of us at the Tower of Joy... 8 hours later

... then I took on Ser Arthur Dayne who was taking a piss with one hand and fighting us with the other... 3 hours later

... and then I did like this super awesome ninja move and basically saved Ned Stark's life. Oh anyway Rhaegar banged Lyanna and she's your mum.

[Nausicaä]

Well, I'm sorry but... * /me stab you *

I just don't see at all how Martin could go without those chapters.

Kill off the Tattered Prince, let the slave revolts and whatever happens with the other Free Cities happen off-screen. I don't know about you, but I don't care about them any more than I care about the Slaver's Bay.

[Pliskin]

I'm maybe the only one who actually cares about Essos (though I was upset by the Meereenese knot, like everyone).

I would have liked to see Ashaï and Valyria, but Martin just can't do it in two books, and that's why staying in Meereen that long was frustrating for me. Not because Daenerys didn't leave for Westeros.

[Woman of War]

I'd just LOVE a mystery trip to Valyria!

[Queen Cersei I]

Mereen:

Tyrion: Wow, check out the rack on that wench, Jorah!

Jorah: Silence, you knave! That is the great Dany Targaryen, queen of Mereen, rightful queen of Westeros, stormborn, dragonmother, slayer of lies and all that is wicked.

Tyrion: And yeah, as I said, great rack!!!!!

Dany: Giggles. How charming! A man that will talk to me as a human being, not a queen! I am so totally flattered and not at all offended by this little guys attentions.

Tyrion: All that I ask in return, my lady, is that you allow me to tell you pretty much whatever the hell I want you to do, and to let me murder and rape my sister!

Dany: You've got yourself a deal!

Somewhere in the stomlands

Arrianne: So you must be the young dragon.

Young Griff/ royalty pretender: Indeed I am, my lady. And who, might I ask, are you?

Arrianne: I am Arianne, of the large, dark nipples.

Jon C.: Ah, yes, I've heard of you, my lady. Your exploits are imfamous, even in the less boob preocupied circles I do run in.

Duck: And by that, my lady, he means 'ee's about as gay as they come.

Arrianne: Yes, I figured that by his notable failure to stare droolingly at my exposed breasts.

Duck and Young Griff: Uh-hun..... yeah..... :drool: (Blankly nodding and staring at Arrianne's exposed breasts.)

Jon C.: Ah, yes, my good Lady, I did mean to ask you about that little matter. Why, pray tell, are your breasts exposed?

Duck: (To Young Griff): Man, this guy really is gay, ain't 'eee?

Arrianne: (To Jon C.) Well, you see, my lord, I have not received a raven from my father, the great and wise lord Doran, for approximately 48 hours. Without word from my patriarch...erm, I mean, master... erm, I mean, FATHER, I was utterly at a loss of what to do, since I am but a woman, and am reduced to sexual manipulations and epic stupidity without the guidance of a man.

Jon C.: Yes, clearly that is the case for all women. Only look at that stupid bitch in kings landing, Cersei. Or Dany across the narrow sea. Of course, there is hope for Dany, since she listens to the men around her, and will probably bow down to the superior wisdom of the great and worthy Tyrion....

Arrianne; At any rate, i had not heard from my father in 48 hours. Without direction from him, I was lost and confused. So after receiving no direction from my father, I took the only course I knew-- removing my shirt and manually stimulating my large, brown nipples to sexually arouse the nearest possible men.

Oh, wait, I forgot the second part! (Arianne licks fingers and starts swirling around her nipples.)

Duck: Oh, good stuff, good stuff!

Young Griff: Oh, good stuff, good stuff.

Hetero male and lady loving female readers: Oh, good stuff, good stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jon C.: Ahem.... I am truly sorry, everyone. But I simply cannot see how this is necessary. From a thematic viewpoint, it is pointless. With an eye towards character development, it is actually backtracking and ridiculous. Even from a view towards clean, coherrent prose, it is jarring and counterproductive....

Duck: You are sooooo gay, dude.

[Der Anarch]

This is worst imaginable scenes, not the imagine sex thread.

The Great Sept of Balour

High Sparrow: We all have are sins, Cersei.

Cersei: Oh don't be ridiculous. What sins could a stiff-necked puritan like you ever have done compared to me? Wanked over a Maid? Avoided cleaning duty?

High Sparrow: Oh, I've committed some terrible sins Cersei. Just ask your son.

Cersei: :bawl:

[Queen Cersei I]

This is worst imaginable scenes, not the imagine sex thread.

Yep, and the worst possible thing I can imagine is Dany giggling delightedly at the sleezy oggling Tyrion generally serves up to beautiful, powerful women as a matter of course. Or her failing to take offense at his offensive desire to rape his sister, because Cersei is a bitch and she deserves it or something yada yada yada misogyny cakes. Hence the Dany/ Tyrion scene.

And the second most horrific scene I can imagine? That is Arrianne backtracking and trying to seduce young Griff. Or her being objectified more like she was in book four. Hence the sex. Or, rather, the boob related descriptions. :ack:

The Great Sept of Balour

High Sparrow: We all have are sins, Cersei.

Cersei: Oh don't be ridiculous. What sins could a stiff-necked puritan like you ever have done compared to me? Wanked over a Maid? Avoided cleaning duty?

High Sparrow: Oh, I've committed some terrible sins Cersei. Just ask your son.

Cersei: :bawl:

I don't get it...did he murder Tommen or something?

[LittleDragon]

Howland Reed:

So Jon Snow we finally meet, let me tell you of your heritage. Right there were 7 of us at the Tower of Joy... 8 hours later

... then I took on Ser Arthur Dayne who was taking a piss with one hand and fighting us with the other... 3 hours later

... and then I did like this super awesome ninja move and basically saved Ned Stark's life. Oh anyway Rhaegar banged Lyanna and she's your mum.

Not bad, not bad, but the worst imaginable scenario of this storyline ends as follows: Howland Reed was just talking, and talking over the whole AWOW, and nothing happens with Jon and the Wall, and when we arrive to the ADOS he is still talking, and talking, and at the moment he nearly tells Jon the truth, he suddenly dies and Jon will never know about his parents...

[Pliskin]

I don't get it...did he murder Tommen or something?

...

Which "crime" the priests are most known for ?

[Queen Cersei I]

...

Which "crime" the priests are most known for ?

Ah-ha, so he has been taking Tommen into the temples for long, uninterupted games of scrabble! I feared as much! :leaving:

[Golden&Crimson]

Worst imaginable scenes, with no particular order:

- The coronation scene of Late Walder I of the House Frey has King of the Seven Kingdoms... followed by his marriage with Arya Stark!

- Drogon burns till death Ser Barristan Selmy and Jorah and eats Daenerys...

- Petyr Baelish apointed Warden of the North and Lord of Winterfell and hapily married with Sansa Stark.

- Cersei kills (finally!) Tyrion (and, has a added bonus, Tysha and a lost son of Tyrion) and find a Red Priest that ressurect Joffrey!

- Jon and Ghost, turned into wigths, kill Bran and Summer; that killed already wigth Jojen and wight Meera...

- When in return from Skagos to White Harbor a huge storm sinks the ship that carried Davos, Shaggydog and Rickon; they die on the sea.

- A absolutely redeemed Jaime (more honourable than Eddard) is killed by Nymeria, that dies from a wound caused by Jaime.

- Ramsay Bolton has much fun: Lord of Dreadfort, a new "Reek-Sandor" with to "play" and plenty of maidens to rape and kill, till he dies of old age...

[mediocre cheese]

Rickon: I don't like this davos seaworth

Osha: Then just eat your vegetables