Worst Imaginable Scenes from Winds of Winter (spoilers, naturally)

[Der Anarch]

The Riverlands

Brienne: Hello fair peasant, have you seen an auburn-haired girl of three-and-ten?

Jamie: You better because we've asked seven people already.

Fisherman's Wife: Oh yes Milady! There's Millie the crofters girl and her twin sister Daisy whose lost her maidenhead to a sellsword I swear and then there's Old Walder Frey's bastard girl Walderina who isn't really three-and-ten at all but keeps telling everyone so and she does look twice her age I swear it won't end well a girl acting older than she is and a bastard too and there were about four such girls among those beggar folk escaping from the War thieves and murderers all of them taking our jobs old Lord Tully would never have allowed it and then there's my girl Sally whose hair isn't quite auburn but close enough pretty as a picture I so proud but I don't what to do with her she won't leave the Miller's boy alone and then there was Anne whose dead now but was three-and-ten when she died raped by Beric Dondarrion himself I swear there was something wrong with that Moon Tea made her bleed at the wrong time of month and all then she turned green as cabbage those outlaws gone too far I'm not saying anything but even the Frey's are better than living in fear of those rapers they say living in the forest makes men go mad with the desire but still what they did at that wedding was too far even if he did turn into a wolf they should have chased him out with fire and banging plates together no need to kill the poor ol' wolf King boy they say he was handsome but all wild at heart like all those great big strapping Northmen are they say living up there in the snow sends men mad with the desire and they can't even name the Seven poor heathen souls worship trees would you believe and then there's Angela the Whore's daughter-

Breinne: Farewell and thanks for your help but I must be going *rides off at full speed*

Jamie: *galloping alongside* I thought that was interesting.

Fisherman's Wife: *talking to her little bird* -who told me Ayra Stark was in Bravos training to be a Faceless Man, I wonder do they stick on a manhood the same time they take away her face? And that Sansa is in the Vale about to be raped by that nasty lord Littlefinger I swear when you play the Game of Thrones you either live or die that's what I always say.

King's Landing

Cersei: Hello Your Holiness.

High Sparrow: What are you sewing today?

Cersei: Scenes of piety.....

High Sparrow: Speak up your grace!

Cersei: Scenes of piety...

High Sparrow: Good, good. We'll make a silent sister of you yet. Wait...... this depiction of the Maiden looks a lot like you, and this Warrior looks like your brother.... and..... what are they doing to each other?

Cersei: *evil smile*

High Sparrow: A hundred lashes!

Cersei: Waaaaagh!

Meereen

Dany: I must remember my inherent right to rule Westeros and let these people suffer without my help. Targaryan, Targaryan, it rhymes with Aryan.

(Ex)Slave: Wanna buy me I can shovel your shit for food.

Dany: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

Sir Barristen: The city has been infected with rabies, your grace.

Dany: Ohh we can't leave now... Just a little longer.

The Dredfort

Ramsey: Whose this bitch then?

Roose: Your half-sister, Andrea Snow. Under no cricumstances are you to do her harm-

Andrea: That's Andrea BOLTON you flithy old man! Call me Snow one more time and I'll castrate you like I did my Mum's husbands and I'll smear your blood into my **** and let my lovers lick it off.

Roose: -nor provoke her into doing any harm to you.

Ramsay: She's so.... beautiful.

Andrea: Whose this wanker then?

Ramsay: Sweet lady, let us ride together and terrorise the female smallfolk.

Andrea: As long as we can pick up some pretty boys as well, I want to smash their balls.

Roose: .............

[Ashas Globetrotter]

Funny, but also scary, because this is something GRRM actually could hatch.;-)

[boojam]

Coldhands taking a dump.

[Der Anarch]

Skagos

Jon: Rickon, it's me Jon, your brother! I'm here to rescue and take you back to the Wall, where Arya and Sansa are waiting! Call Shaggy Dog and pack your things, we're gonna rule the North together and..... why are you crying?

Rickon: SHAGGY DIED!

Jon: What... how?

Rickon: A bad man KILLED HIM! He said he was trying to save but he KILLED SHAGGY DOOOOG WAAAAGH!

Crossroads Inn, years later

Sansa: What are we doing here, Ayra darling? I've not seen you so happy since before Father died, and your all dressed like a lady for a change. That dress is marvellous. To think the Bloody Lady of Winterfell could dress so prettily!

Ayra: I'm feeling usually romantic. I've managed to track down Gendry, who was my best friend back on my adventures. I didn't realise it then, but we were deeply in love. Now, after all these years of suffering and war, I'm going to marry him and unite our Houses! Now I can give up being a mass-murdering terrorist.

Sansa: Marry, a bastard of Robert Baratheon?... Wait, don't go in without listening to me-

Ayra (bragging in regardless): Hey Gendry!!!!!!! It's me!!!

Random Peasant (alarmed): Have mercy Milady! We're nought but simple folk!

Gendry (coming downstairs): What.... whose making all this noise?

Ayra: It's me, Ayra! Remember those times we had together, our adventures? How how young we were! Young and foolish, but now I'm a women grown and.... whose that matronly women making cookies?

Gendry: My beloved wife.

Ayra: Oh... Well.... Nice to meet you... I'm Ayra... I..... I used to be.... a.... friend of your husband..... Did he ever tell you about me?

Willow (radiating feminine charm): No Milady, I don't think so. He didn't tell me there were any high born ladies on his adventures.

Ayra: Well.... then.... I suppose I better be going

Willow: Do come for dinner when you have time!

Baby: Waaaaagh!

[Ser-Arthur-Dayne]

Worst scene ever? DANY GOING BACK TO MEERAN :bang: 

[Spotted Pate]

As long as GRRM doesn´t write another Samwell sex scene i´m pretty much cool with whatever happens.

[The Oncoming Storm]

Herald: All kneel to Ramsay Bolton, First of his Name, King of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Protector of the Realm, and Slayer of Wolves.

[Khal Worthington]

Bran [looking through weirwoods]: Wait, who is that?

Loras: I am Ser Loras who speaks for the trees, which you seem to be warging as fast as you please.

Bran: Now I can see my mother!

Catelyn [wearing a hat]: Look at me! Look at me! Look at me NOW! It is fun to hang Freys, but you have to know how.

[Queen Cersei I]

High Sparrow: Good, good. We'll make a silent sister of you yet. Wait...... this depiction of the Maiden looks a lot like you, and this Warrior looks like your brother.... and..... what are they doing to each other?

Cersei: Praying :devil:

[ServantOnIce]

From Slaver's Bay

Victarion: "Why is everyone using the privy?"

Moqorro: "They have a plague that is causing them to use the privy until they bleed out to death."

Victarion: "You see Moqorro, that is why I don't eat at Captain D's."

A Mercenary Camp

Tyrion: "So you know that Dany is gone away with a dragon, Ser Jorah."

Jorah: "I know, but I love her, and those dragons."

Tyrion: "You know you have a better chance of being King of all this planet than of ever marrying Dany?"

Jorah: " . . . .. I never thought of that . . "

Tyrion: "and how did you become a knight again?"

Winterfell

Roose: So I guess Reek wasn't as broken as we thought he was

Ramsay: Well I blame someone other than me, there has to be someon for me to flay, I am angry!!

Roose: Shut up Ramsay, you talk too much and need a good leeching.

Ramsay: I am tired of your crap old man, you kissed Ned Stark's feet for years, you are a coward, I want this.

Roose: *slaps Ramsay* Listen here Ramsay, never bite the hand that feeds you . . you got that suckah?

Ramsay: Have you been watching "Dead Presidents" again?

Roose: This is a fantasy novel, anything can happen .. now where is Kirby? I feel like a card game.

The Dothraki Sea

Drogon: *burping*

Dany: That is for Eroeh . . .. now I am the great Khaleesi, wife of the great Kahl Drogo, and you are now my people, follow me and let us defeat these cowards at Slaver's Bay!!

Drogon: Roars fire . . .

Dany: I promise you more to eat my son . . . but stay away from anyone on the privy . . healthy humans only . .

A Cave

Lady Stoneheart: So you will hang Jaime Lannister for all you have done, you killed me and my son and my husband, you will die.

Jaime: I will not ask for mercy, I will say high to Ned, Robb and your children . .. .

Lady Stonheart: Hang him!!

Brienne: I am sorry Ser Jaime .. .. I loved you . . I loved you like I loved Renly

Jaime: Renly was gay, he loved me

Brienne: You, you heartless creep . .(stabs Jaime and Jaime dies)

Lady Stoneheart: You ruined my hanging . . . oh well .. let us move on .. we have more Freys and Boltons to hang . .who is this blond criminal.

Lem: M'lady . he is a terrible Bolton, he has sung terrible songs and caused mankind agony . . his name is Michael Bolton!

Lady Stoneheart: You stand accused of ruining music .. how do you plead?

Michael Bolton: When a man loves a woman . . . nothing can stop him . .

Lady Stoneheart: Hang him!!!!!

King's Landing

Queen Cersei: You killed uncle Kevan, war against the Tyrells!

Lord Tyrell: I did not kill Kevan, someone else did . I believe it was Dorne!!

Queen Cersei: We must get Myrcella from Dorne to crush the Dornish . . .

Lord Tyrell: I agree . . . but you must drop all the charges against Marge!!

Queen Cersei: The faith has her , ,nothing I can do . go half my troops, half of your troops . . go sand save my daughter and we shall crush the Iron Born and Dornish . .

Lord Tyrell: I don't work for you, and I don't trust you

Queen Cersei: I don't trust you either . .. .

Lord Tyrell: Kiss me you fool

Queen Cersei: Oh yes . kiss me . . . kiss me like Jaime!!!

Lord Tyrell: Nevermind, the moment has passed . . .

Dorne

Prince of Dorne: So he died trying to ride a dragon? HOw stupid!!

Sand Snakes: Death to everyone who isn't Dornish!!!

Arienne: Don't I look sexy??? I mean I look like Salma Hayek??

Prince of Dorne: Bring me a chastity belt Hotah

Hotah: Hmm okay. . .

Prince of Dorne: Well that failed, time to go to the beach . .

Sand Snakes: War against the Lannisters! Let the Dark Star lead the way!!

Prince of Dorne: If you don't shut up, I am going to make you all clean the privys.

Sand Snakes: *silence*

THE WALL

Melisandre: Jon Snow, I love you .

Jon Snow: I am alive again, but I feel like a Dragon, a stone dragon, what did you do to me?

Melisandre: You are now strong enough to go save Stannis!! To defeat the Wights, White Walkers and Others praise Rollo!

Jon Snow: Rollo again??? Stop watching Sanford and Son before you pray . .

Melisandre: There truck is red like my hair . . .

Jon Snow: I can't move, I can't live I am a dragon .. . a stone dragon!!!

Melisandre: "You're half the man you used to be . . ."

Jon Snow: That's a Stone Temple Pilots song . . nevermind I am off to save Stannis!!

[Erinne]

The Dredfort

Ramsey: Whose this bitch then?

Roose: Your half-sister, Andrea Snow. Under no cricumstances are you to do her harm-

Andrea: That's Andrea BOLTON you flithy old man! Call me Snow one more time and I'll castrate you like I did my Mum's husbands and I'll smear your blood into my **** and let my lovers lick it off.

Roose: -nor provoke her into doing any harm to you.

Ramsay: She's so.... beautiful.

Andrea: Whose this wanker then?

Ramsay: Sweet lady, let us ride together and terrorise the female smallfolk.

Andrea: As long as we can pick up some pretty boys as well, I want to smash their balls.

Roose: .............

I thought this thread was about things we didn't want to happen? :P

Nah, just kidding, I don't really want it to happen, that would be silly.

Silly and AWESOME.

[Stannis the Great]

On the path to Storm's End or to find the Holy Grail from which this scene is shamelessly stolen from...

Aegon: Old woman!

Peasant: Man!

Aegon: Old Man, sorry. Who is currently castellan of that castle over there?

Peasant: I'm 3 and 30.

Aegon: What?

Peasant: I'm 3 and 30. I'm not old.

Aegon: Well I couldn't just call you man.

Peasant: Well you could just say Pate.

Aegon: Well I didn't know you were called Pate.

Pate: Well you didn't bother to find out did you?

Aegon: I did say sorry about the 'old woman' but from behind you looked -

Pate: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!

Aegon: Well, I AM king...

Pate: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress--

Woman: Pate, there's some lovely filth down here.Oh -- how d'you do?

Aegon: How do you do, good lady? I am Aegon, King of the Westerosi.

Woman: King of the who?

Aegon: The Westerosi.

Woman: Who are the Westerosi?

Aegon: Well, we all are. We're all Westerosi and I am your king.

Woman: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.

Pate: You're fooling yourself.We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--

Woman: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.

Pate: That's what it's all about if only people would--

Aegon: Please, please good people.I am in haste. Who is in charge of that castle?

Woman: No one lives there.

Aegon: Then who is your lord?

Woman: We don't have a lord.

Aegon: What?

Pate: I told you.We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune.We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

Aegon: Yes.

Pate: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special fortnightly meeting.

Aegon: Yes, I see.

Pate: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--

Aegon: Be quiet!

Pate: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--

Aegon: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

Woman: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?

Aegon: I am your king!

Woman: Well, I didn't vote for you.

Aegon: You don't vote for kings.

Woman: Well, 'ow did you become king then?

Aegon: The Red-Masked Lady of Asshai

[angels sing]

her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Blackfyre from the bosom of the fire signifying by Divine Providence that I, Aegon, was to carry Blackfyre.

[singing stops]

That is why I am your king!

Pate: Listen -- strange women existing in your mind distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical flamin' ceremony.

Aegon: Be quiet!

Pate: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some fiery tart threw a sword at you!

Aegon: Shut up!

Pate: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just because some singed bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!

Aegon: Shut up! Will you shut up!

Pate: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.

Aegon: Shut up!

Pate: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!

Aegon: Bloody peasant!

Pate: Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that eh? That's what I'm on about, did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you?

Aegon [to himself]: Shouldn't have listened to that oversexed dwarf.

[Der Anarch]

Ruins of Winterfell

Davos: Let me go! Don't you recognise me, my Lord? It's me, Davos, the Onion Knight! What's happened to you? Why are you doing this? I'm not a Frey!

UnManderley: Bake him.

[Arkash]

Somewhere:

Hodor kills Victarion Greyjoy

Bran and Bloodraven wake in their weirwood thrones.

Bran: That's 7-0 now, sure you want to keep going?

I so love the ones the first poster made, but this one !!!

This one is just pure masterpiece !!!!

The Free Cities

Sir Barristen: At last we are on the way home.

Dany: Oh! Look at that lovely city! What's it called?

Mormont (unsuspecting): Bravos, khaleesis.

Sir Barristen (muttering):

You fool!

Hahaha, and this one too !!!

[EdricBaratheon]

Herald: All kneel to Ramsay Bolton, First of his Name, King of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Protector of the Realm, and Slayer of Wolves.

..And forever a Bastard!

Maybe if that ever happened, the rebellion to usurp Ramsay would be known as 'Jon's Rebellion', but of course I'm kidding myself here! :bawl:

[The Oncoming Storm]

Dany: Daario, sweetie, I'm back!

Victarion: Avast! I kill'd yer pimp, wench, now we be married, yarrrrrrrrr!

Dany: DRACARYS.

*

Stannis: And now, thou treacherous Fiend, thou shalt be punished!

Roose: Like what, will you roast me?

Stannis: *trollface* No! Thou wilt not be given any more Leeches! EVER!

Roose: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I will die of high blood pressure! You cannot be this cruel!

Stannis: *evil laugh* Didn't you know I was the Night King reborn?

[ServantOnIce]

From The Twins

Herald: Lord Walder Frey, we have a woman here claiming to be your daughter and a barrister representing her.

Lord Walder: Yes, send her in, I probably got a wench out there some where.

Barrister: Greetins Lord Walder, such an honour to meet thee, thou art splendid and noble in the Riverlands of Westeros, please here the plea from my client, a woman I represent she is a daughter ture born by one of your wives.

Lord Walder: Piss on that, get to the point . .

Barrister: Yes, her name is Amber . . Amber of the Frey

Amber: Hello Father, how art you? I am here because I have run out of money and I have no real talent other than those of the "Seven Sighs" and I need a place to stay.

Lord Walder: Wait? Aren't you that wench who cheated with that guy who killed his wife and unborn child? Then you hired this mummer over here to represent you and make you look noble?

Gloria Allred: Now, listen here, stop being sexist Walder .

Lord Walder: What? Did you just call me Walder? Not even Catelyn Tully did that . she was a respectful woman, too bad she had to die after she turned into a wolf and killed my Grandson . .oh the horror.

Gloria Allred: You had a woman killed here? You are a monster!!

Lord Walder: That's it . . wait . Amber if you and your mummer oops I mean barrister would like a good lot with land, a keep, servants and gold . . I need for you to run an errand . . I need you to go visit a friend of mine . . named "Stoneheart." She's a nice woman . tell her you are a Frey and show her this letter with my seal on it . then she will give you and your barrister a package for me and I will give you what I promised on your return.

Gloria Allred: Thank you, .

Amber: Thank You father

Later on the journey a fortnight past . .

Amber: Hello are you Lady Stoneheart?

Stoneheart: Yes? What do you and your friend her want?

Gloria Allred: Well, we want to give you a letter from her father . .

Stoneheart: Really? Hmm . . what is your surname M'lady to the young blond thing .

Amber: Amber Frey . . I am a Frey . . I need the money . . .

Stoneheart: Really? (looks at seal, sees the Frey seal). HANG THEM!!!!!

Amber: Wait? You can't do this . wait . . I am famous .. I can't . Gloria help

Gloria Allred: Wait now, Stoneheart is it? I have represented women who filed against Tiger Woods, and now Amber here, she is a good young lady?

Stoneheart: You represent wenches, dirty wenches who work as whores you shall be hanged . .

As their breath slips away under the noose . .Amber thinks . . "I should have never went on that blind date . ." Gloria thought, "This is what I get for being Captain Save a Harlot."

This is a parody all things similar to real folks is just a coincidence . all rights reserved.

[Der Anarch]

The Border Between the Vale and the Riverlands

Lady Stoneheart: Sreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeck!

Bannerless Bro: She's saying, 'My baby!'

Sansa: Are you sure this is her?

Breinne: Yep.

Lady Stoneheart: *makes terrible, blood curdling noises*

Bannerless Bro: She says, "My little sweetling, I'll never let any harm come to you ever again my little sweet baby girl!"

Later, deep within the Vale....

Brienne: I thought seeing her daughter again would improve her condition, but her mental health is actually deteriorating at an alarming rate.

Jamie: Really? She hasn't been trying to kill me lately.

Brienne: Don't you ever think about anyone but yourself?.... Anyway, go talk to her about the war and you'll see what I mean....

The Eyrie Throneroom

Sansa: Mum, let go, your hurting me!

Lady Stoneheart: *hideous snarling*

Bannerless Bro: She says "I'll keep you safe forever my little baby."

Knight: Will you not join the war?

Lady Stoneheart: *awful guttural moaning*

Bannerless Bro: She says "The Eyrie is impregnable!"

Knight: Not this bullshit again....

Lady Stoneheart: *Terrible throaty wail*

Bannerless Bro: She says, 'make him fly!'

Breinne: See? Besides, I don't trust that Littlefinger, and he's taken all the credit for finding Sansa too.

Littlefinger: *knowing smile* Don't worry, my dear Cat, I'll help protect your baby.

[Fryie]

The Riverlands

Brienne: Hello fair peasant, have you seen an auburn-haired girl of three-and-ten?

Jamie: You better because we've asked seven people already.

Fisherman's Wife: Oh yes Milady! There's Millie the crofters girl and her twin sister Daisy whose lost her maidenhead to a sellsword I swear and then there's Old Walder Frey's bastard girl Walderina who isn't really three-and-ten at all but keeps telling everyone so and she does look twice her age I swear it won't end well a girl acting older than she is and a bastard too and there were about four such girls among those beggar folk escaping from the War thieves and murderers all of them taking our jobs old Lord Tully would never have allowed it and then there's my girl Sally whose hair isn't quite auburn but close enough pretty as a picture I so proud but I don't what to do with her she won't leave the Miller's boy alone and then there was Anne whose dead now but was three-and-ten when she died raped by Beric Dondarrion himself I swear there was something wrong with that Moon Tea made her bleed at the wrong time of month and all then she turned green as cabbage those outlaws gone too far I'm not saying anything but even the Frey's are better than living in fear of those rapers they say living in the forest makes men go mad with the desire but still what they did at that wedding was too far even if he did turn into a wolf they should have chased him out with fire and banging plates together no need to kill the poor ol' wolf King boy they say he was handsome but all wild at heart like all those great big strapping Northmen are they say living up there in the snow sends men mad with the desire and they can't even name the Seven poor heathen souls worship trees would you believe and then there's Angela the Whore's daughter-

Breinne: Farewell and thanks for your help but I must be going *rides off at full speed*

Jamie: *galloping alongside* I thought that was interesting.

Fisherman's Wife: *talking to her little bird* -who told me Ayra Stark was in Bravos training to be a Faceless Man, I wonder do they stick on a manhood the same time they take away her face? And that Sansa is in the Vale about to be raped by that nasty lord Littlefinger I swear when you play the Game of Thrones you either live or die that's what I always say.

:lmao: This is fantastic!

[Silmarien]

Damn, you all are talented. I wish I could come up with hilarious stuff like this. :D