Mellow drama, unleash insane megalomaniac, v. 2

[TimJames]

With all the warfare going on, King Mace decided it would be wise to relocate as many civilians as possible to The Vale. It was now the ONLY non-ravaged part of the realm, 

Mace Tyrell, King Of All Things: "Batfinger is no longer Regent of The Vale. Instead that role shall be filled by my daughter Margaery Tyrell."

Margaery Tyrell (Princess!): "Yay! I get to be important again!"

Mace Tyrell: "Additionally, I will start bolstering defenses of Kings Landing for the upcoming siege. It will be Battle of Helms Deep times a bazillion." 

Olenna Tyrell: "I have connections in the Count Camp. I'll try to kill Joffery again. Also, I made this for you"

She held up a envelope which read "To My Favorite Child". 

Mace: "Mother ... this is so touching-"

Olenna: Be sure to mail it to your sister Janna. If you read it I'll send you to bed with no supper."

Mace: "There's the mother I know."

++===========================================================+++++++=++=======================================-----------_______________ ... .             . .           .

In Oldtown Counttown ...

Theon Stark: "An Andal?! My descendant married an Andal?!?"

Roose Bolton: "Aye, a Red Haired Andal wench. And he build a Sept in Winterfell, in the Godswoods."

Theon Stark: "I will NOT let my blood be tainted by Andals!!!!! After I kill my mongrol descendants, I'm gonna marry a Pure Blooded Northern Girl." 

Roose Bolton: "Help me take The North back, and I'll kidnap pure Northwoman for you to rape."

Theon Stark: "I could always rely on The Boltons. Now lets commit Crimes Against Humanity!!!"

Misanthropic Audience Members: "OLD NORTH PURE NORTH!!! F**K ALL ANDALS!!! THE ANDALS ARE EVIL FOR INVADING WESTEROS!!!"

Narrator: "But didn't The Andals leave Andalos to escape the Valyrians? And also didn't The First Men also invade Westeros and nearly wipe out The Children Of The Forest?"

Misanthropic Audience Members: "SHUT UPP!!! SHUT YOUR TRAP!! OLD NORTH PURE NORTH!!!"

----------------- ------------------ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ---------------------------------------------- -------- - - --- -- - - -

Meanwhile, Stannis and ships finally arrived in Pentos. 

Stannis: "I'm here to kick ass and take names! Where is Daenerys?"

Illyrio Mopatis: "Her dragon took her to Hykaroon. It's 8000 miles that east. On foot."

Stannis: *takes one step on the road*

Audience: "NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Stannis: "What is is this time?!"

Narrator: "Stannis, most fantasy tales are like 90% walking and 10% actual plot. They don't want to watch 'Game Of Steppe Hike'."

Stannis: "I can fight Doraki Sea Lions along the way."

Narrator: " ... That could work."

-----------============================================---------------_________________---=================_=**************^^^^^^--------------_--+-----

Meanwhile in Volantis, TimJames had slayed all the generic canon fodder with the help of his betrothed and his conscience. 

They had a meeting with High Priest Benerro.

Benerro: "Welcome. Weryde told me you'd be coming here."

TimJames: "She helped me through a lot."

Benerro: "The Lord of Light has blessed us with her service over the- are you grimacing?"

TimJames: "Sorry, I know most Rhllorists are normal people. I just had bad experiences with them."

Benerro: "The Red Faithful are an old people with a rich history."

TimJames: "They how come Melisandre's sermons seemed ... scamy?"

Benerro: *rubs temples in frustrated manner* "Melisandre is an extreme Red Faith Fundamentalist. Her views are considered fringe by most Mainstream Rhllorists and she was even excommuicated for practicing Assahi Magic and for breaking her vow of celibacy."

TimJames: "Ah ... that makes sense. But why the slaves if you're reasonable."

Benerro: "Our clergy are not slaves. 'Slave of Rhllor' is just a metaphor title that signifies how our clergy devote themselves completely to our God and set aside worldly concerns."

TimJames: "Then how come some are temple-prostitutes?"

Benerro: "That's not as widespread as most people think. Some Red Priests and Red Priestesses break their vows of celibacy, but we work hard to root out corruption."

TimJames: "Oh ... well sorry about buying into rumor-mongering."

Benerro: "That's ok, you're learning. This has been a good Mitzvah for you."

TimJames: "Speaking of which, we made an alarming Theological Discovery."

Showrunners: "You'll have to wait until after the commercial break to see what it is."

Audience: *starts rioting, burns down a warehouse*

[Count Balerion]

"Remember, Roosy-boy," said the Count. "Either you get the NORTH, or you're back in the doghouse."

Fortunately, the North got conquered because the Northern lords were randomly on Bolton/genocidal side (or "Nortzis", as they're called).

"Why are the Northern lords on the badguys' side?" asked the audience.

Narrator: "The showrunners told me it was either that or they'd have every female in the series raped."

Audience: "Er ... why?" 

Showrunners: "Becuz the North sux!"

Fanatic pro-North chaps: "DOES NOT! I'M FIREBOMBING HBO!!!!"

Narr: "Yes. Anyway, Rickon was cornered by evil wolves wearing swastikas."

Rickon: "Ulp."
%^&*(*^%
"You two may as well have your wedding now ..." began Weyrde; but then they were suddenly all captured by slavers.

"Don't worry; because we've been blessed by the Lord of Light, torture will not work on us,"said Weyrde.

"And the prison food will turn into ambrosia," added Benerro. "And if they try to use your weapons on us, they'll  backfire on them." 

"So we may as well just wait to be 'rescued' nudge nudge by Daenerys and saved from the Dothraki horde by Stan," concluded Weyrde. "In fact, we can glamour it to look like we're here when we're really wandering about seeing the sights."

[TimJames]

1 hour ago, Count Balerion said:

Fanatic pro-North chaps: "DOES NOT! I'M FIREBOMBING HBO!!!!"

The firebombing burned the building to the ground and maimed several of those inside. Kit Harrington was caught under a chunk of rubble and only survived because Peter Dinklage rushed back inside, pulled him out from under the rubble, and carried him to safety (all while wearing a bad-ass fireman's hat and gas mask ... which he has on set inexplicably). 

Narrator: "Any ..." *coughs up soot* " ... any casualties?" *coughs more*

Showrunner: *limping* "Tons! It's great and the footage will be epic!"

Narrator: "But we can't do our show without actors!"

Showrunner: "Oh ... no, no actors died. Only forgettable extras and off-screen supports."

Kit Harrington: "They're people too!"

Showrunner: "No they aren't." 

Emilia Clarke: "We can't work under these conditions!!!"

Showrunners: "Don't complain, or else Daenerys will have a rape scene!"

Liam Neeson: "Maybe there'll be a mutiny!"

Showrunners: "Now now, lets not get ahead of ourselves ... we can work something out ..."

Sophie Turner: *grabs lead pipe* "We have some demands for you ... now are you gonna listen or do I need to cave your head in?"

[Count Balerion]

The actors and actresses all began grabbing lead pipes and yelling out their demands:

"NO MORE RAPE SCENES!"

"NO MORE THAN 17 NUDE SCENES A SEASON!"

"THIS IS NOT SNUFF TV!"

"NO MORE THAN 2 MINUTES OF SAND SNAKE DIALOGUE A SEASON!"

"DANGER PAY!"

"HALFWAY COHERENT STORY LINES!"

It got ugly.
*(*^%%*()))&^%%
"Volantis doesn't look very impressive," said the audience.

"Cut us some slack; we just got firebombed!" said the Narrator.

"We're going to use the footage when the Dothraki attack and Stannis comes and saves the day!" said the showrunners. "We get epic action for free! Let's say something else offensive and get firebombed again!"

Anyway ...

"That's a fascinating theological discovery," sauid Benerro. "And accords with the teachings of the Book of Zabor as interpreted by the Volantene school of Rh'llorism. We do, of course, have to understand it in the sense indicated by Gharghan, verse 7-18, concerning the fundamental unity of the Godhead ..."

Showrunners: "BORING! RELIGION SUX!!!!!" (cUT TO tHEON sTARK BURNING SEPTS.)

Benerro: "Shut up. I still have that lead pipe."
@$$%^&&%$#@@
The Countist Government issued a Declaration of Principles:

1. The true god is the Drowned God, also called Count Balerion.
2.The weirwood gods are really manifestations of the Drowned God. Only authorized weirwood trees (controlled by Countists) are accepted. 
3. The Seven and R'hllor are banned.
4. The races are best kept separate. To that end, Andals are banned from the North and Iron Islands, except for thralls. Elsewhere, they get sparate neighbourhoods and drinking fountains and whatnot. 
5. The Rhoynar should be wiped out. That Andals and Valyrians should be wiped out is not the official position, but is to be calmly discussed by established racial theorists. Who's to say it isn't true? We believe in Academic Freedom for everyone except anti-Countists, Sevenists, TJ-ists, R'hllorists, Rhoynar, and other bad people.
6. I'm still hungry, so if anyone finds Lady Blizzardborn and brings me her heart, he'll get a reward.
$$%^&^%$#@@@!$$%
"'King' Mace, an upjumped steward, wants to force murdering rapist terrorist immigrants on us!" said Batfinger. "Are we gonna stand for it?"

"NO! THE VALE FOR THE VALE!" said the Vale lords.

"He wants to impose a handpicked regent  on us!" said Batfinger. "Are we gonna stand for it?"

"NO! THE VALE FOR THE VALE!" said the Vale lords.

The Eyrie is impregnable! We'll throw stuff  below and send prostitutes to distract them!"

"YEAH! THE VALE FOR THE VALE!" said the Vale lords.
#$%^^^$%$#@@
Olenna: "Make sure the bodyguards leading people to the Vale are sexless, dear."

Margaery: "Luckily, Bran is such sex god I can't be tempted."

[Count Balerion]

Count Balerion and Ramsay did some Male Bonding. "Let's go out and murder and rape peasants!" said the Count. So they did.

"I like flayiing people!" said Ramsay, doing it.
"I prefer eating them," said the Count.
"In all my years of flaying, I never ate people, oddly," said Ramsay.
"Try it; it's good!" said the Count. So Ramsay did.
"Yum!" he said.

After they went back to HQ, they sat around smoking cigars and drinking blood while they ate peasant leftovers and watched people being tortured.
Euron : "Mind if I join you guys? There's nothing like some nice relaxing torture after hard day's raping and pillaging!"
"Sure!" said the Count.
Ramsay: "It doesn't get any better than this!"
Euron: "Yeah! Evil is where it's at, man, evil is where it's at!"
Stranger: "You guys are still damned, you know."
Euron: "Whatevs."
Ramsay: "Yadda yadda yadda."
Count: "I rather liked the Seven Hells." This was true. The Count secretly hoped to conquer Hell some day. "Don't forget to sack KL, Eury!"
"No worries, boss," said Euron.

The next day, the Count partially blotted out the sun.
%%&&*(&^%%%
Theon: "Why do we always get in these messes?!"

[Pardon the post- barrage!]

[TimJames]

On 5/19/2016 at 2:10 PM, Count Balerion said:

"So we may as well just wait to be 'rescued' nudge nudge by Daenerys and saved from the Dothraki horde by Stan," concluded Weyrde. "In fact, we can glamour it to look like we're here when we're really wandering about seeing the sights."

Haknaz, a cruel slave master, asked his colleague Forrest how the interrogations were going.

Haknaz: "Have you made them confess yet?"

Forrest: "No siree. In fact they don't seem to move at all. They act like tree stumps."

Haknaz: "Well try harder."

-+-+-+-

TimJames: "Good idea glamoring those tree stumps to look like us. Now we can go look at various tourist attractions."

Benerro: "That over there is the Temple Of The Lord of Light. It's construction took seventy years to complete, and forty master sculpters worked to perfect it's flame-like design."

TimJames: "Hey Weyrde, I recognize that place from the postcards you send. You know, the ones your office sells in it's gift shop."

*person getting burned alive outside*

TimJames: "Why does The Red Faith burn people?"

Benerro: "In the Pre-Valyrian days of our faith, a man named Rollo the Red was condemmed to die for a grevious crime. He begged that he be executed by fire so The Lord of Light might grant him remission for his sins through his suffering. Ever since then death row inmates and terminally ill patients of The Red Faith requested fire executions as a sort of last plea for salvation. It was always supposed to voluntary, and in fact burning unwilling people is part of why Melisandre was excommunicated."

TimJames: "Huh. But that guy looks like he's just a slave."

Benerro: "The Valyrian Slave Masters are dicks and commit sacrilege often; they've been in Volantis for a thousand years and we're just now convincing them to stop inbreeding. Progress moves slowly."

Funfact: The main difference between a Targaryen Wedding and a hillbilly wedding is the sobriety level of the musician. 

[Count Balerion]

teetotal Targs? That alliterates.

"I'm trying to get them to stop burning people," said Weyrde. "I think it's gotten out of hand and is scripturally dubious. I only actually burnt 2 people; 1 for my novitiate and the other by accident.

"That's a controversial view, but is gaining adherents," said Benerro. "Now over here is the Long Bridge. It's so large, it forms a separate neighbourhood. The severed hands of criminals are hung here, with signs descrbing their crimes."

"A lot of these 'criminals' are probably just poor people or slaves who looked at their masters the wrong way," said Weyrde.

"It might be fun to visit the western side of the city," said Benerro. "It's protected by the 200-foot Black Walls. Only VIPs are allowed in there; no slaves or foreigners or plebs."

"Yeah, we could go behind the Black Walls and do some sabotage and lower morale to prepare for Daenerys' arrival," said Weyrde. "A propos, when she turns up, be polite. You don't have to be servile, just polite. I know yo're not big on the Targaryens; but we do want to ride dragons so that the showrunners can be so bowled over by the awesome cinematography, they forget to mangle our characters, and besides, why should Tyrion have all the fun?"

"You've gotten a lot less strict," observed Benerro.

"Oh, I'm still plenty strict," said Weyrde.

[Count Balerion]

Incidentally, the stumps in the Volantene slave-prison were also glamoured to say rude stuff periodically. "Scripture authorises us to say rude stuff to the impious," benerro had explained. The Book of Zarq says (chapter 3, verse 48): 'Zark off, evildoers! Ye who oppess the weak, zark off!"
Back to the present ...
Mya: "Hey, guys! I exist, so let me do something!"
Showrunners: "Wouldn't it be angsty if you were captured by slavers and sent to the Count and raped and used to blackmail TJ?"
Suddenly, they all begin twitching in weird ways ...
TJ: "I'm gonna rape slave women!"
Weyrde: "I'll hold them down!"
Mya: "I'M GOING BE SICK!"
Benerro: "I'll rape you while you're sick."
This goes on for half an hour
Showrunners: "It's dark and gritty!"
Actors: "It's also against our agreement."
Narrator: "It also didn't happen. You didn't film that, did you?"
Cameraman: "Film what? The showrunners saying sick stuff? Why would I film that?"
Showrunners: "You're both fired!"
Everone else: "This means war!"
Audience: "The fight scenes sure are realistic."
And now, we break for a Rhoynicide commercial. Is your home infested with Rhoynar? Get "Drowned God" Rhug-Killer! A Count Balerion(R) product.

 

[TimJames]

The next episode was just a riot in the HBO building, with Showrunners battling it out with Actors and Film Support. The ER made them all promise not to use guns or sharp edges, but all else was fair game.

Showrunner: "There arn't enough Rape Scenes!!!" *breaks chair over cameraman*

Narrator: "We need WORKERS COMP!!!" *starts punching a Showrunner in the face with brass knuckles*

Other Showrunner: "Hey Dany, that nude scene was very HOT!!!" *picks up the coffee machine and tries to throw it at Emilia Clarke, but drops it on his own head when Jack Gleeson kicked him in the balls*

Emilia Clarke: "Thanks!"

Jack Gleeson: "No problem!"

Emilia Clarke: "Look out!"

Other Showrunner: "RRRevenge!!!" *roundhouses Jack unconsious*

Maisie Williams: "You're gonna get it now!" *pulls out gun and shoots showrunner in kidney*

Narrator: "You're not supposed to use guns! It's against the rules-"

Showrunner: "SCREW THE RULES! EAAT GRENADE!" *pulls out grenade, and throws it into riot mob*

- - - - - - - -- - --                   ------------------------------------ -----------

It took two months for ER to patch everyone back together. The next few weeks had as episodes only hospital recovery scenes.

Doctor: "This patient is near-comatose, as he dropped a coffee maker over his head. All he can do is mumble.

Injured Showrunner: "Put ... romantic subplot ... in hospital ..."

Peter Dinklage: "The doctor said it'd be a miracle if I lived more than two weeks ... my family has been supportive but ..."

[Count Balerion]

Half the cast and 9/10 of the staff died; but not to worry, Melisandre resurrected them all despite being dead. Neat trick. The UN peacekeepers arranged a cease-fire and interim agreement between the warring factions.
(*&&^^%%%
Theon Stark's daughter (product of a robot and a pure Northern female, possibly Jeyne Poole although I suspect she's at least part Andal): "Can I have an Andal pet? They're cute!"
TS: "No, they're scum! Hey, Roosy! Let'swipe out the Manderlys!"
Roose: "Cool! Although I have to say, your approach to mass murder is a bit offat times."
TS: "You're just as genocidal."
Roose: "But I do it with taste, just like the Count."

Cut to Count and Ramsay flaying and eating people while eructing.

Showrunner: "They'd be raping too if the /union/ hadn't forced a moratporium for the rest of the season."
Other Showrunner: "That's Big Labour for you!"
Count: "How are we supposed to get any action if we can't rape?!"
Ram: "Yeah. Myranda turned good ... Cersei is with Maegor...."
Count: "Where are all the evil women?"
Sand Snakes: "We may not be evil, but we do have BAD...."
Count: "Yes, I know. You have BAD #$%%^%$#@@.You needn't say it again. Good grief; it was to escape your dialogue that I turned evil in the first place!"
SS: "You want BP or not?"Count: OK, but only if you do not say anything; otherwsise I'll have Ramsay flay your vocal cords."
Narrator: "I wonder. Wouldn't the SS want revenge for the flooding of Dorne? Doesn't the Count want to wipe out the Dornish?"
Showrunners: "You know the deal. We agreed no more rape scenes this season; you agreed no need to bother about consistency of narrative or characterization. If you don't like it, blame your ... (spits out with other contempt and disgust) /union/!!!"
Narr: "Grumble grumble grumble."

&*(((&%$%$###$%%_*&^%
Shortly thereafter, LF sent the Count a raven: "Our intelligence indicates that TJ is in Volantis."
The Count sent an ambassador to Volantis, asking: "Do you have TJ, commonly called Public Enemy Number 1?"
Volantenes: "Yes, we have him in prison with some friends. They have interrogators stumped, so to speak. They act like tree stumps except when they random say rude things like "Your hoohah is small."
Count: "Send them here. Your torturers are wimpy."
So they did. But the captives remained stumpy.

((**&&&^
Euron (via telegraph): Am in Blackwater Bay Stop Penguin demons and kraken monsters ready for some fun Stop 

)(*&^^^
"People of King's Landing! Fear not! I shall defend thee!" said Ser Pounce.
[please, no killing penguins; but you can turn them good. I don't think we should have a massive victory for the goodguys yet, though, since we need someone for you to heroically save when you come back to Westeros in a blaze of glory. KL could either fall and be horribly sacked and then saved, or withsttand a long assault w/ all sort of dire warning when ... "The dragons are coming! The dragons are coming!"]
 

[TimJames]

Melisandre's resurrections was just to explain why most of the cast is injured and/or traumatized. In real life, they survived due to the magic of modern medicine.

Peter Dinklage suffered from severe kidney failure, but once word of it spread hundreds volunteered to be doners - now Peter Dinklage has 15 kidneys and Kit Harrington has 7 (Peter gave him 5 to cheer him up).

Jack Gleeson succumbed to his injuries while comatose but the showrunners went to extreme lenghs to keep him on the cast. They had him adopt an orphan while in coma, then tricked his younger sisters into pulling the plug. That's why Joffery's scenes from here on out are all at night and involve him beseeching a hitherto unknown bastard to "Avenge my foul murder!". {this is a Hamlet reference. Joffery is King Hamlet, his sisters are Claudius, and his adopted son is Prince Hamlet}.

Emila Clarke has to live on constant dialysis. The dialysis machine was animated after the fact to look like one of her dragons.

The showrunners who died all had horrible wills. One willed all his possessions "to the relative least responsible for starting family squabbles" so as to break up his family unit. Another willed all his possessions to the family f*ckup so as to create a massive legal battle. Another strait-up required 24 children to fight to the death on an arena build around his mausoleum. 

The showrunners who survived now plot their revenge.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Evil Council

The Evil Council consists of various Eviiil entities who terrorize the world on Count Balerion's Behalf. 

Shrike - Secretary of Old Ways Adherence (forces everyone to worship Superradical Ironborn Faith as dictated by Count Balerion)

Theon Stark - Secretary of Racial Purity and Cultural Homogeneity (works to ensure First Men dominance in Westeros, to keep the Andals in servitude, and to carry out the Final Solution to The Dornish Question).

Cersei Targaryen/Lannister - Secretary of Gaffes, Gates, and Scandals (Actively creates scandals so as to make the population too disillusioned to care about politics). Also advises Batfinger on which programs to cut.

Maegor Targaryen - Secretary of The Peace (operates Count Balerion's Secret Police, terrorizes people with cruelty, and helps Theon Stark persecute The Faith of The Seven). 

Roose Bolton - Speaker For The House (de facto second in command).

Ramsay Snow - Head Gamemaker (hunting naked girls through the woods with rabid dogs is now the national sport in Count Controlled Westeros). Also he's Lord Paramount of The North to punish Roose for his incompetence. 

Rorge - Chief of Police in Counttown

Batfinger - Secretary of Treasury, Lord Paramount In Exile over The Vale

Metal Gregor (Gregor Clegane's soul in a robot) - Minister of War and Ultraviolence

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The Rose Council

The Rose Council consists of various heroes working to save Westeros from Count Balerion's Madness

Olenna Tyrell - Secretary of State (despite being verbally abusive and emotionally abrasive, Olenna still loves her son Mace [though it will be a cold day in The Hells before she admits it] and is willing to help him win).

Margaery Stark/Tyrell - Secretary of PR (keeps morale high and gives hope to refugees in The Vale and in Kings Landing).

Archmaester Qyburn - Secretary of Education (fosters culture of science and reason in Free Westeros).

Bran Stark - Knight Paramount (leads the House Of Knights in Parliament)

Asha Stark/Greyjoy - Chief of Police in Gulltown

Myranda Stark - Head of Gulltown Committee Of Environmental Safety, also runs youth programs to keep troubled youths out of jail with constructive activities.

The Brothers Tarly (Samwell and Dickon Tarly) - Secretary of War

Randyll Tarly - Secretary of Narcotics (leads War On Drugs. Some feel his methods of preventing the sell of Milk Of The Poppy are too extreme, and others feel that Sourleaf should not be illegal to begin with).

Sansa Stark - Secretary of Clergy Relations (ensures peaceful interactions and cooperation between different religions). Also Secretary of the Department of Propaganda Public Awareness

Arya Stark - Commander of Secret Service (which supplements, but does not fully replace, The Kingsguard).

Also, Mya Stone being sent to Volantis to find TimJames is retconned as being on King Mace's orders so as to appear less like a Dues Ex Machina. 

[Count Balerion]

Small addendum: Darth Sansa also runs the Dept. of Propaganda, assisted by Ser Duncan and Tanselle Too-Tall, as well as the real Count Balerion, hereinafter just called Real Count to avoid confusion, who spares no effort in letting people know Count B is a usurping fake hatched in a test tube by vile arts. Theon Greystark (who changed his name to Theon Stark after marrying Darth Sansa, but then added Grey- to avoid confusion with the nasty).

Robot Gregor is of course filled with a burning hatred for Bran.

[TimJames]

Narrator: "Now, to read some letters from the fans, the Showrunners."

Letter #1: "Dear Showrunners, a lot of us wanted Lyanna and Rhaegar to end up together. Why did you make that not happen?"

Showrunner: "Some fans liked Robert, some fans liked Rhaegar, neither groups felt that way out of the belief that their man was bad. So we made Rhaegar gay. If you don't like it then your a bigot."

Letter #2: "Dear Showrunners, When will Sansa get naked like Danearys did?"

Showrunner: "We're still negotiating for that."

Letter #3: "Dear Showrunners, does being pro-ethnic cleansing make me an evil person."

Showrunner: "Yes. Welcome to the club. Next?"

Letter #4: "Dear Showrunners, does accusing a character of being a rapist because he's bad in bed or the victim of sexual abuse make me an open & festering sore on humanity's prostate?"

Showrunner: "Yes. Welcome to the club. Next?"

Letter #5: "Dear Showrunners, are you greedy?"

Showrunner: "The answer to this question costs $15 dollars."

Letter #6: "How do you sleep at night?"

Showrunner: "As smooth and soft as the delicious taste of Marlboro bran Chewing Sour-leaf." *

*HBO does not support tobacco use* **

**HBO supports tobacco use and purchase**

[TimJames]

On 6/2/2016 at 2:16 PM, Count Balerion said:

Showrunner: "They'd be raping too if the /union/ hadn't forced a moratporium for the rest of the season."
Other Showrunner: "That's Big Labour for you!"
Count: "How are we supposed to get any action if we can't rape?!"
Ram: "Yeah. Myranda turned good ... Cersei is with Maegor...."
Count: "Where are all the evil women?"
Sand Snakes: "We may not be evil, but we do have BAD...."
Count: "Yes, I know. You have BAD #$%%^%$#@@.You needn't say it again. Good grief; it was to escape your dialogue that I turned evil in the first place!"
SS: "You want BP or not?"Count: OK, but only if you do not say anything; otherwsise I'll have Ramsay flay your vocal cords."
Narrator: "I wonder. Wouldn't the SS want revenge for the flooding of Dorne? Doesn't the Count want to wipe out the Dornish?"
Showrunners: "You know the deal. We agreed no more rape scenes this season; you agreed no need to bother about consistency of narrative or characterization. If you don't like it, blame your ... (spits out with other contempt and disgust) /union/!!!"
Narr: "Grumble grumble grumble."
 

Meanwhile in Essos, another Evil Woman was about to be removed from the pool of potential mates. This is because Stannis was about to help Danerys.

Narrator: "Danerys isn't evil. She's on the Good Team, so's technically an antihero."

Sorry, sorry. 

So in Selhorys, Daenerys was leading an assault against the Slaver Army in the city. However it was an ambush; a large horde of Jogos Nhai sellswords and several hundred companies of Basilisk Island corsairs, under the employ of Ghis Masters, had surrounded Danerys and her Eunuch Army.

Dany: "I'll drop my dragons on them until they die!"

Tyrion: "I'm afraid that won't work. They have large anti-aircraft cannons. Flying a dragon out there will be suicide."

Dany: "Well, I'm sure I can come up with a better plan."

Meanwhile, on the ridge ...

Stannis: "So we ride in, destroy their anti-aircraft guns, and win the day."

Davos: "Understood."

[Count Balerion]

On 6/5/2016 at 11:53 PM, TimJames said:

Letter #6: "How do you sleep at night?"

Showrunner: "As smooth and soft as the delicious taste of Marlboro bran Chewing Sour-leaf." *

*HBO does not support tobacco use* **

**HBO supports tobacco use and purchase**

"That reminds me," said the Count. "I just had a brainstorm: let's invent something that makes people die a horrible death  -- allow me to demonstrate (makes victim die of lung cancer) -- but make it look really cool and grown-up so kids will want to get addicted! It has the additional advantage of corrupting youth! We'll call them coolsticks so people think they're cool!"

"Brilliant!" said Cersei. "Then I'll create a scandal by selling them and pocketing the tax money!!"

"Cool!" said the Count. "I'm going to see if I can get industry to cause a lot of pollution so we can raise the sea level through global warming and flood Wetteros! Oh, I love evil!!!!!!!"

"YAY!!!!!!!" said the Evil Council.

[Stan/Dan presently; Stannis is fun to write now that he turned alpha]

[Count Balerion]

So Stannis and Davos charged in and destroyed the baddies' anti-aircaft w/ their bare hands. "Yo git yo dirty hands
off my woman!" yelled Stan in a booming bass. He was very macho and covered w/ dragon and stag tattoos. He and
Davos killed several bad slaver people; Dany's army got the rest -- except for a lucky few who were fed to the
dragons.

"My hero!" said Dany. Did not This is Daenerys Stormborn, not Lois Lane in a '40s comic. She said, "You come here
often?"

"I'll *come* wherever you *come* babuh," said Stan.

"This show is really subtle," said the audience. "Truly Great Art!"

"Let's get wedded and bedded right now!" said Dany. so they did. "What's your name?" she added.

"I'm Stannis. I was the rightful king of Westeros; but then I abdicated, partly to become King of Essos, but mainly
to meet *you*! "I know who you are cuz you're iconic and no one but Danaerys Stormborn could be so hot!!!!" You're
even hotter than they say you are!"

"Oh, so you're the usurper's brother," said Dany. "Viz would tell me I should feed you to my dragons, but I just
can't! You're too cool and macho and anyway it's not your fault."

"Yeah, my brother was kind of a jerk sometimes," said Stan.

"All's cool. Or all's hot!" said Dany.

"The dialogue in this show gets more execravble all the time," said a ranter.

"We do have a requirement in our agreement that the screenwriters have at least graduated from 7th grade," said the
Narrator defensively.

"Let's go around righting wrongs and having great sex!" said Stan. "You really light my fire!"

"There's a spare dragon just for you, big boy," said Dany.

"I'm gettin' Irri and Jhiqui," said Davos.

"Aren't you married?" said Tyrion.

"We've established polygamy is OK in our culture. Don't dis my main bro Davo!" said the Mannis.

[Count Balerion]

Teacher: "Now, kiddies! Before we break to celebrate Me Day and honour the Drowned God Count Balerion (DGCB for short) by taking from the weak and giving to the strong, who wants to demonstrate last lesson's torture technique?" 

Little Walder: "ME! ME!! ME!!!!!"

Sweetrobin: "EEEEEEEEYOOOOWWAAAAAAAAAAAAHGHGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LW: "I haven't even started torturing you yet, dork."

Wylla Manderly: "You're stupid."

Teacher: "Frey is a model student, Manderly. You, on the other hand, have made no progress in Torture Studies at all."

Wylla Manderly: "You're REALLY stupid."

*&%$####$^&*
*Melodraamtic flood scene with crashing waves, mass destruction, houses being uprooted, whirlpools, screaming smallfolk, etc., to adrenaline-pounding music*

"Dear, have you noticed sanything odd, lately?"

"No, Mother. I've been busy writing my victory speech. We'll need one when we win."

"Well, look outside the window. What do you see?"

"I see a lot of water, Mother."

"That's right. You see a lot of water, because King's Landing is an island and half of Westeros is submerged. A king has to pay attention to these things, you know. And although hydraulic engineering is one of my hobbies, black magic isn't. So look alive!"

"Yes, Mother."

***ADVERTISEMENT***
Having trouble sleeping? just take Balerium, ad you'll NEVER WAKE UP AGAIN!!!!

Ranter: "Or you could just watch this crummy show."
^^%$$##*()**&&
Randyll Tarly: "Here are Mace's defense secrets."
Euron: "Why are you telling us this? Not that we mind."
Tarly: "I like the Count because he's a man's man, or anyway a man's monster No girly-boy rubbish abut mercy and compassion like my erstwhile allies."
Device planted by Wylla Manderly  "You're stupid."
Euron: "You'll need to prove your mala fides by doing something treacherous."
...
"Sam, I'm sorry I was a jerk," said Tarly, not very convincingly. "Want to go boating?"

$^&*(()%$$
Ramsay: "Can we rename the North Ramsayland?"
Roose: "It would offend Theon Stark. He's a valuable ally."
Count: "True. And I like his style. You can rename Riverlands instead; it's a boring name. so long as you also name Riverrun Rooserun; that's manners. Rammy, any joy torturing TJ and his pals?"
Ramsay: "Not really. Three quarters of the time they act like tree stumps, and the other quarter they say random rude things. No screaming for mercy or begging for it to end."
Count: "I'll have to see to this myself. I suspect we've been hoodwinked. You're all very good for inflicting pain but wouldn't know magic if it screamed in your face (or didn't)."
 

[TimJames]

On 6/8/2016 at 9:26 AM, Count Balerion said:

So Stannis and Davos charged in and destroyed the baddies' anti-aircaft w/ their bare hands. "Yo git yo dirty hands
off my woman!" yelled Stan in a booming bass. He was very macho and covered w/ dragon and stag tattoos. He and
Davos killed several bad slaver people; Dany's army got the rest -- except for a lucky few who were fed to the
dragons.

"My hero!" said Dany. Did not This is Daenerys Stormborn, not Lois Lane in a '40s comic. She said, "You come here
often?"

"I'll *come* wherever you *come* babuh," said Stan.

"This show is really subtle," said the audience. "Truly Great Art!"

"Let's get wedded and bedded right now!" said Dany. so they did. "What's your name?" she added.

"I'm Stannis. I was the rightful king of Westeros; but then I abdicated, partly to become King of Essos, but mainly
to meet *you*! "I know who you are cuz you're iconic and no one but Danaerys Stormborn could be so hot!!!!" You're
even hotter than they say you are!"

"Oh, so you're the usurper's brother," said Dany. "Viz would tell me I should feed you to my dragons, but I just
can't! You're too cool and macho and anyway it's not your fault."

"Yeah, my brother was kind of a jerk sometimes," said Stan.

"All's cool. Or all's hot!" said Dany.

"The dialogue in this show gets more execravble all the time," said a ranter.

"We do have a requirement in our agreement that the screenwriters have at least graduated from 7th grade," said the
Narrator defensively.

"Let's go around righting wrongs and having great sex!" said Stan. "You really light my fire!"

"There's a spare dragon just for you, big boy," said Dany.

"I'm gettin' Irri and Jhiqui," said Davos.

"Aren't you married?" said Tyrion.

"We've established polygamy is OK in our culture. Don't dis my main bro Davo!" said the Mannis.

Only the Old Gods and the Essosi Faiths support polygamy. The Seven demands strict monogamy.

But fortunately for Irri and Jhiqui, many of Stannis's other men were there.

Suggs to Irri: "I may be a brutal torturer, but I can cause immense pleasure as easily as I can immense pain."

Irri: "I like how deep your voice is! It's sexy!"

Godry Farring to Jhiqui: "I once killed a giant. wanna see the stuffed head."

Jhiqui: "What's a giant?"

Godry Farring: "... look how muscular I am."

Audience: "Arn't Godry Farring and Clayton Suggs evil."

Narrator: "ON GOOD TEAM! GRITTY ANTI-HEROES! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SPECIFY THIS!"

Audience: "Whose running this show? What would your parents think of all this?"

Showrunner #1: "My parents were abusive crackheads, so who cares what they think!"

Showrunner #2: "My Dad was a guard at one of the British Prisons in Aden in the 1960s: this show's ultraviolenece is an omage to him."

Showrunner #3: "Parents? What are those? Oh! ... they were never around. I was raised by The Television!"

*HBO logo appears over the screen*

Stannis: *picks Danerys up in his arms* "Lets go back to my tent."

Daenerys: "Wait, before we do anything serious ... I should tell you that I maintain my power through ruthlessness, I use the cruelist execution method I can think of, and I have severe moral myophia. Also I live in the shadow of my older brother and vowed to violently murder the lecherous alcoholic responsible for his death."

Stannis: "Oh ... my ... Gods ..."

Daenerys: "Is that a deal-breaker?"

Stannis: "Where have you been my whole life! We were meant to be together! Marry me! Marry me now!"

Narrator: "Romance is nice, isn't it. Wait, are you crying?"

Showrunners: *sniffling and crying* "No! Something just got in my eye! Don't look at me!"

Daenerys: "Normally I'd be given away by a family member at the wedding, but my father and brothers are dead and my nephew Aegon *breaks out laughing*. Ahem ... anyway Tyrion, do you want to give me away at the wedding?"

Tyrion: "I'd be honored to. It's a happy occasion. Makes me think of when I was married to Tysha!" *starts sobbing loudly into his hands*

Level-Headed Audience Member: "I feel sorry for Tyrion"

Evil-Hearted Audience Member: "RAPIST! HE'S A RAPIST! HE RAPED TYSHA!!!"

Level-Headed Audience Member: "How could you say something so cruel? Tyrion was a minor, forced with serious death threats by his father to preform a non-consensual sex act with-"

Evil-Hearted Audience Member: "Men act, women are acted upon! Men rape, women get raped! That's the natural order, and how dare you or anyone else suggest real life is more complicated!!!"

The Evil-Hearted Audience Member was so toxic, the narrator reached out of the television screen and strangled him to death. 

Showrunner: "I didn't know that was possible."

Narrator: "I didn't know either until now. Anyway, back to the show."

Showrunner: "Let's have Plankton mess with Mr. Krabs' thermostat again."

Narrator: "?"

Showrunner: "Oh, sorry: we also run Spongebob."

Narrator: "How many shows do you run!"

Showrunner: "Just Spongebob and Mellodrama. And Mellodrama's offshoot shows. And we provide advice for HBO's other shows."

*Flashback of 'advice'*

Person giving show pitch: "So I think this show about the 17th century violinists would be great for HBO."

HBO executives: "Any suggestions."

Showrunner: "Add more sex. And ultraviolence. And alcoholism."

*end Flashback of 'advice'*

Showrunner: "Ah, good times."

[Count Balerion]

"I still demand the jus primae noctis," said Davos. "I've been turned into an out-of-control ultra-lecher."

"Whatever, let's do something myopic like going to Volantis and abolishing slavery," said Daenerys.

"By brutal means," said someone. "You could just found a reform party and use gradual democratic methods."

"Yeah, like the slavemasters aren't brutal," said Stannis sarcastically. " And the masters won't listen anyway. You lay off my woman!"

"You have to break eggs," said Dany.
*&^%%
Speaking of Volantis:

"They double-crossed us!" said the Count. "I'm bombing Volantis now!!!!!"

"Omnipotence, wouldn't it be wiser to ask them what happened first?" said Bolton.

"You're still on probation, you know," said the Count, pressing a button. And the missile is speeding on its way to Volantis!!! Will Stan/Dan make it in time????? But now the dragons are heading in the wrong direction again!!! And now they're in the right direction, but D&S stopped for a sex break! Cut to missile! Cut to dragons doing something stupid!!! Oh wow~!!!!! Evil slavers and a Dothraki siege aren't enough, we must up the ante with potential nuclear annihilation!!!!!!! I CAN'T BEAR TO WATCH!!!!!!!! DIG THAT POUNDING MUSIC AGAIN!!!!!!! OMG WTF LOL!!!!! WHOOPS, WRONG ABBREVIATIONS THOSE LAST TWO!!!

"If the Count can nuke Volantis, why can't he nuke KL?" said the audience.

"Because the book-purists would fry us," said the Narrator. "Also, nuking is giving them the mercy of a quick death."

"Not really," said a nitpicker.

"Shut up," said the Narrator.

[Count Balerion]

Davos: "I joined the Old Gods cult when I was in the North, so I believe in polygamy too!! How come Bran is the only one  who gets to practice polygamy??????? Not playing favourites, ARE WE NARRY-BOY???!!!!"

Narr: "Ummm ..."

Davos: "IS IT A COINCIDENCE BRAN'S NAME RHYMES WITH ONE SHOWRUNNER AND SOUNDS LIKE ANOTHER???????!!?? CAN YOU SPELL AUTHORIAL SERLF-INSERTION!!!!????!! HUNH???!!? HUNH!!!???????"

Narr: "TJ only gets one woman and HE's not complaining."

Davos: "YEAH NARRY-BOY, YOU MAKE A BIG SHOW OF BEING ON THE ACTORS' SIDE ..."

Narr: "Including 7 months in the hospital..."

Davos: "BUT YOU'RE REALLY JUST THE SHOWRUNNERS' GOON HUNH, NARRY BOY!!!!!!!!!"

2/3 of the male characters got up and chanted "WE WANT HAREMS!!!!!!!!" and "EQUAL RIGHTS FOR NON-BRAN PEOPLE!!!!!!"

Dany: "We don't time for this. We need to save humanity. Don't make me go all drac on you!"

Stan: "You tell 'em baybuh!"

Coming up: Audiencia melodramatica!