Funny fake letters

[Amun]

From: Robert Baratheon

To: Ned Stark

I know you had some reservations about becoming my hand, but I trust you'll do a fine job in King's Landing.

You've got a good head on your shoulders.

P.S. I'm going hunting later and I'll be gone for bit. See ya then.

[Liadin]

To: LC Jon Snow

From: Samwell Tarly

So I've reached the Citadel. Maester Aemon died and Dareon deserted, but other than that the mission's going okay. I met an archmaester and he called me Slayer. I wish people would stop doing that. I mean, I was the one who told him that people call me "Slayer," but I still wish they'd stop.

I met a little girl in Braavos who looked just like you. Weird, isn't it? I don't know why I mention that, since it's not like you have any missing relatives or anything. Well, except for two one lost beyond the Wall. Anyway, this kid defended me from a couple of scary bravos. That was pretty cool. Later I punched Dareon, so I'm not a total coward, but then he didn't have a sword.

Anyway, Archmaester Marwyn, the one who called me Slayer, has a dragonglass candle that burns. You should import some to the Wall, and kill the wights and Others with one stroke. Don't expect me to help with that though, I'm staying right here in the Citadel with a book. At least here nobody uses scary evil magic.

[dolorouseddwasright]

From: Roose Bolton

To: Robb Stark

My most wonderful king. I am joyous to remain your most loyal bannerman and follower. I cannot wait to attend you upon the eve of your uncle Edmure's wedding to the lovely young Miss Frey. We'll get together and have a good time. Nothing bad could happen. We all love you so much that we would do anything to, er I mean for you.

Roose

PS. Do you think your sister, Arya, would like my son, Ramsay? If she should happen to show up or anthing.

[All For Blue Roses]

TO: Tyrion Lannister

FROM: Tywin Lannister, Lord of Casterly Rock, Once and Future Hand of the King

Dwarf,

It has come to my attention that you have been whoring around quite a bit,and with a lowly camp follower of all things. I mean, really? She's not even that bright; I should know, I sl-talked with her, on sundry occasions. Aside from your dubious taste in wenches, I have also received word that you've been threatening your own sweet sister. Now what have I taught you about that? Lannisters don't make threats, we make promises. You plan on killing her, do so. But I'm blaming it all on you, just so you know. I mean, you killed your mother, what's to stop you from killing her, or me?

I had to stop writing, the thought of you lifting a finger to me is too amusing. Varys has more balls than you. Anyway, I've got a lot to do, so send Jaime my love and tell him I've got a lovely surprise waiting for him when he gets back. Think: long and shiny. I suppose I can pick up a redheaded wench for you... somewhere...

Signed,

The Man That Kept You Alive All This Time For No Apparent Reason But To Spite You

[dolorouseddwasright]

From: Tyrion Lannister

To: Tywin Lannister

Thanks, Dad. Lots of love to you too.

[Martin Silenus]

A note found rolled around the shaft of an arrow stuck in the neck of a Lannister man.

Dere Quene Cersie,

king jofrey

the hound

ser amory

ser gregor

the tickeler

pauliver

cheesewick

weez

ser ilin

ser merin

dunsin

raff

you

[delete this account pls]

From: Tywin Lannister

To: Stannis Baratheon

CC: Robb Stark

Re: Career advice.

I drank your milkshake.

[Martin Silenus]

To Tyrion Lannister, Hand of the King

My Lord Lannister,

I humbly request an audience with your lordship over a matter of a rug I had. You see, it really tied the room together. They were looking for you, these two Sers, and one of them peed on my rug. I told Bronn, he told you. You know what happened, yes? I know it was not you who peed on my rug, and I don't mean to imply your lordship must provide compensation every time a rug is micturated upon in this fair city. Look man, I'm not trying to scam anyone here. Let me explain something: I'm not the Hand, I'm not a Lannister, I'm just a goodman, so that's what you call me. The Good. Or Gooder, or His Goodness, or El Gooderino if you're into the Valyrian thing. I mind, man. The Gooder minds. This will not stand, you know. This aggression will not stand. Your whore owes money all over Flea Bottom and they pee on my rug? Ah, fuck it.

[King Hodor]

3 [censored] lane, [censored], Westeros.

From: ЯicKon starrrk!! + SHAGGYDOG!!!

To: lansters, Grayjoys, Frays, Boltins, snarks, etc.

I'm coming too get ya!!!!! Grrrrr!!!

Please 'scuse the bitemarks and wolfshair - Osha

((Lol, I lost it on this one. Laughed so hard I cried, well done sir.))

To: Lord Commander Jon Snow of the Night's Watch

From: Lord Howland Reed of Greywater Watch

Yo yo, what's crackin' JS? I know you don't know me, but I'm a friend of your uncle, Eddard Stark. Just sending you a message, saying hello. I heard about your business fighting off the wildlings. Nicely done, nicely done. Would that your father was as good a soldier when he met Robert on the Trident. Ah, well. Keep up the good work.

To: Lord Howland Reed

From: LC Jon Snow

Dude... WTF kind of weed do they have in the Neck? My "uncle," Ned Stark? Lord Stark was my father, you crazy little crannogman...

To: LC Jon Snow

From: Lord Howland Reed

OMG! LOL! You don't know?!?! OMG OMG OMG! Dude, get your ass to Greywater, I have a story that will blow your mind! LOL

[cravenravenkeeper]

((Lol, I lost it on this one. Laughed so hard I cried, well done sir.))

To: Lord Commander Jon Snow of the Night's Watch

From: Lord Howland Reed of Greywater Watch

Yo yo, what's crackin' JS? I know you don't know me, but I'm a friend of your uncle, Eddard Stark. Just sending you a message, saying hello. I heard about your business fighting off the wildlings. Nicely done, nicely done. Would that your father was as good a soldier when he met Robert on the Trident. Ah, well. Keep up the good work.

To: Lord Howland Reed

From: LC Jon Snow

Dude... WTF kind of weed do they have in the Neck? My "uncle," Ned Stark? Lord Stark was my father, you crazy little crannogman...

To: LC Jon Snow

From: Lord Howland Reed

OMG! LOL! You don't know?!?! OMG OMG OMG! Dude, get your ass to Greywater, I have a story that will blow your mind! LOL

hahahahahahahahahaha

I was waiting for that one. I think Maybe howland reed has some old letters of Rhaegar's and Lyannas. I mean they can't trust love letters to an raven (heh...had Owl there before....), and since he had a hand in their meeting (mystery knight) he probably knows. Plus he can get across the neck, and wouldn't arouse too much suspicion.

[dolorouseddwasright]

To: The Gods of the First Men, The Seven, Rhollr (or however you spell your name), anybody who might be listening.

From: Edd Tollett

Why me?

[All-for-Joffrey]

From: King Stannis Baratheon

To: Ser Davos Seaworth

CC: Lord Commander Jon Snow

Re: Kissed by the Fire

The carpet matches the drapes.

With the light of Rhollor,

Stan the man

[Rattle Pants]

A note found rolled around the shaft of an arrow stuck in the neck of a Lannister man.

Dere Quene Cersie,

king jofrey

the hound

ser amory

ser gregor

the tickeler

pauliver

cheesewick

weez

ser ilin

ser merin

dunsin

raff

you

Gold!!

To: Lady Brienne, Sapphire of Tarth

From: Endless Knights Bachelors Club

Dear Lady Brienne,

Congratulations! Our committee has been smitten by your beauty and has chosen you as our Queen of Love and Beauty. Our members have all fallen madly in love with you and are all fighting to shower you with their attentions to win your favor. Won't you join us and soothe our aching hearts?

Your adoring fan,

Ser Hyle Hunt

P.S. No, this is not a prank. Really.

[dolorouseddwasright]

To: Ser Hyle Hunt

From: Brienne

Drop Dead!!!

[dolorouseddwasright]

To: The Lord of Light

From: Thoros

This Lady Stoneheart just isn't working out. Can we have Beric back?

[Rockroi]

To: Edmure Tully, Crown Prince of Riverrun

From: Robb Stark, King of the the North and the Rivers (at least for now, right?)

Re: Hold Riverrun

Uncle:

Look, I thought this over long and hard, so here is my order to you: hold the Castle of Riverrun and nothing more; don't engage any enemies on the fords or at any of the crossings. I know this will be hard for you to do, and I am only telling you thins because my whole plan hinges on Tywin Lannister coming West. I mean, if I DIDN'T tell you, that would be, well, almost as stupid throwing away a major alliance, MIRITE?

Anyway, Tywin is going to cross your lands and come West where I will engage him in harried battles and keep him tied up for months. It will be cool. But once again, I cannot stress this enough, you must only hold Riverrun in case of a siege, keep the castle from falling, but otherwise, let Tywin pass to the West so I can harry him. Let him burn your fields, ruin your crops, whatever. Its more important he come West!

Wow. That was much easier than I thought! I mean, I was originally just going to write "Hold Riverrun" and just hope you would have been able to read my thoughts. But, that would have been dumb, and I am not dumb! HA! Well, now if you will excuse me I am gonna storm the Crag, boff some western lord's daughter, and then totally kick her ass to the curb. I mean, I am gotta keep that weasel Frey happy! Imagine if I did something else? Better not even joke about that kind of thing! I mean, I'm at war with Tywin Lannister!

Anyway, yeah, so "Hold Riverrun." That was easy.

[King Bronn l]

TO: Robb Stark, King of the the North and the Rivers (at least for now, right?)

FROM: Edmure Tully Lord ov Riverrun

RE:RE: Hold Riverrun

Robb,

Got your raven. Apparently he was attacked on the way here. It looked like you sent me this super long message, but all that I got was the part that say's hold Riverrun. No problem, and if Tywin marches across my land's, boy I am going to smack that bitch up. Anyhow good luck in the west, try not to do anything to dumb.

Sincerely,

Edmure

P.S. Don't do anything stupid, I'm not engaged to a Frey, and frankly I'd like to keep it that way.

P.P.S I'm thinking of going to the West someday on vacation, so if you get a chance to sample the local talent, let me know how it is.;-)

P.P.P.S But seriously, any talent you do try, whatever you do don't freakin marry it.

[TrueMetis]

To: Edmure Tully

From: Robb Stark, King of the the North and the Rivers

Re Some western lord's daughter

Uncle,

So I was shot with an arrow, found out my bro's are dead and uh... I think I'm married. The Frey's are going to be pissed, so you may have to marry one. Oh, and about you "[smacking] that bitch up." Apparently you can't rely on ravens for anything. We may be screwed, and if you weren't my Uncle you'd be executed for this.

I'll explain when I get back,

Robb

[King Bronn l]

TO: Robb Stark, King of the the North and the Rivers

FROM: Edmure Tully Lord of Riverrun

RE:RE: Some Western Lords daughter

Robb,

Just got your raven, and hey I totally agree, we need to invent a better system of communications. So from your letter, I gathered I wasn't supposed to pimp slap Tywin,my bad. As to getting married, dude I know you got my raven, so I'm just a tad miffed at you.(At least tell me she's a hottie) And as to executing me, wait till you hear what your idiot mother did. I'll explain when you get back.

Edmure,

Lord of Riverrun

P.S. Freakin Frey's. Your not gonna execute me, because your about to totally owe me.

P.P.S. I mean seriously have you ever met the Frey girls? <shudder>

[All For Blue Roses]

To: Cersei Lannister

From: Jaime Lannister

Sweet sister,

One day soon, we're gonna have a very long conversation.

You, me, Lancel, Kettleblack, and Moon Boy.

I want answers, wench. Don't make me the Queenslayer.