Newcomb Part I

[Myshkin]

Chapter 20 continues.

How awesome!!!1!!

[diabloblanco18]

This one, upon completion, would normally enslave the mind of every being on the planet to their will, esentiall making them gods. They would be able to do anything they want at a whim and contol completely all peoples of the world, who would essentially become soulless automata. However, due to the fact that Faegan left out parts of this ritual during the torture, chances are that instead it will simply cause all of existence to explode, including the Vigours and Vagaries (is this a good time to say that I'm cheering for this to happen?).

The relevant information wouldn't happen to be written down in a cheesily-named book, would it?

[Ecchi-Oni]

Aren't muggles unendowed already soulless cheery automatons since they have no afterlife and are happy to serve their glorious blue blood *snicker* masters?

[Daedalus V2.0]

The relevant information wouldn't happen to be written down in a cheesily-named book, would it?

Yes, it's all in the Vagaries section of the Tome. But don't worry, that won't be important in this book.

Ecchi-Oni: Sarcasm? About this novel? No, there's a difference between being worthless and being automata, a difference that Wigg obviously wants to preserve. Also, this would also effect the endowed, including Wigg and Tristan. So obviously no matter what tenets you follow letting it happen is a bad idea. Not to mention the whole make the universe stop existing thing.

ETA: I still can't get over the fact that one of the chapters in this book fit into another one 20 times. This book really could have benefited from somebody with some common sense and genuine experience in literature involved.

[Myshkin]

Daedalus,

How far from the end are you? Do you have book two ready?

[Daedalus V2.0]

Well, one more chapter, once again somewhat ridiculously short. Oh, yes, it has no significance other than to make the bad guys look more evil. They gloat about their imminent victory for a while before Sucky shows up (in leather underwear with leather stiletto heels, if that makes sense, and a whip), with her old defiant sex slave. He's pissed her off one too many times, it would seem, so she's going to throw him into some sort of special pit filled with this room's special guarardians in it. Shailiha, in an effort to prove her evility (its a word if I say it is!), demands that she be allowed to push him in. So she does. The end.

[Daedalus V2.0]

Daedalus,

How far from the end are you? Do you have book two ready?

I'm a bit more than 66% of the way through. And no, I don't have the second book yet. My library doesn't have it, so I'll have to get them to bring it in from somewhere else. While I'm waiting, I'll read something from a real author to get my mindset back in the right place. Wouldn't want to start taking the Comb's writing skills for granted, would we?

[The Real Will]

...as she hungrily watched his sexual excitement come to fruition.

And so it begins (chapter seven that is). It is apparently impossible to have a scene about the evil sorceresses of evilness without graphically explaining their sexual deprivation. Succiu and Kludge are having a little meeting to discuss their invasion but can they leave it at that? No, it has to devolve into wing nibbling and all sorts of related nonsense. Kludge is in love with Succiu but she only wants him for his manly be-winged body. Graphic monster sex. I suppose we ought to be glad that no barbs are involved.

This chapter isn't exactly comic gold for a person looking for quotes and editorial, but I thought we could take a moment to discuss writers who have no idea how to write dialogue, or, for that matter, how to have the bad dialogue that they do write make sense.

"What I am about to tell you is for your ears only, and even then it will not be complete. Much of what will happen tomorrow to ensure our crossing will become apparent to you then. In addition, should any of your officers learn the nature of tomorrow's events beforehand it might prove unsettling to them, and there is no need of that."

So, in other words, what she is about to tell is super-uber top secret and he has to swear not to tell anyone. But she isn't going to tell him the secret part because he'll be able to work it out himself. So, in effect, everything she is about to tell him can be shared with anyone he wants to share it with.

And this is exactly what happens. She tells him nothing that might upset the troops, and most of what she does tell him is stuff that he, and his troops, wouldn't really care about anyway or would already know. The only purpose of this conversation is to tell the reader about the evil plan. It ought to be maid and butler dialogue, except that Kludge is clearly such a dreadful butler that the maid really does need to tell him what his just is. Newcomb does this all the time.

Just one more little dialogue sample before we move on:

"After the events of tomorrow, the reasons for these actions shall be clear," she said. "Actually, I am more than certain that you will agree with me when I say that there was absolutely no other choice. At dawn I want you standing next to me on deck..."

Etc., etc., nonsense, nonsense, nonsense. In fact, she goes through the entire plan including when they should furl their sails and when they should douse their lamps.

Newcomb's imaginative names are also inspiring. Next to such great naval names as "King Rob's Hammer" and poor old "Swordfish" you can now chalk up the dashing "Command Warship". Other naming feats in a similar vein include "Lead Wizard" and "First Sorceress".

There is something which bothers me a little here in terms of Geographical consistency. From the prologue, we know that fifteen days sail is the maximum safe distance from Eutracia and that no more than a further five days by skiff is the opposite shore where the sorceresses are now living. However, we now learn that fifteen days sail from the sorceresses side is also safe, but... wouldn't that mean that they already sailed through the danger zone ten days ago? This is not the usual painstaking continuity that I have come to expect from Newcomb.

Anyway, fifteen days into the journey they meet the big bad smog monster. Daedalus has already explained the events -- arms of fog, faces under the water, feeding dead slaves, and so forth -- I'm not going to go through it again, but I did notice this;

At the end of each arm was a gigantic gray hand, with ancient, gnarled fingers that ended in long, cracked, and broken fingernails.

Now, explain to me, who, after creating their arms from fog, gives themselves broken nails? I mean you'd think that if you were going to sculpt your own arms from actual fog then you could at least give them a nice manicure. I guess this just goes to show how evil the Necrophages actually are, but I'm disappointed. I'd expect more from a ravenous monster of unending appetites.

Oh yes and the last thing, and this is coming back to my earlier point about stupid dialogue. The last part of the chapter is Wigg and the king talking about the upcoming abdication ceremony (and I would like to point out, again, that they have never had a situation where the king did not voluntarily abdicate at the allotted time). The king has a bad feeling about the ceremony and he wants to delay it, or at least move it to another place. The king suggests four or five different options, any one of which would have prevented the coming slaughter, but Wigg says no to every one and gives a really weak reason for it. Can we delay the ceremony? No, the populace would be unhappy (maybe this one is fair). Can we move somewhere outside the castle? No, because the whole royal guard would have to come with us and they'd be really slow. Can we hold it in a more secure location inside the castle? No, because then the commoners couldn't attend, and besides, what part of the castle is more secure than the bloody throne room with those bloody skylights?

You see what he's up to, don't you? He's trying to head off any criticism of the good guys by first pointing out the problem with all the other options. But all of the other options are better and all of the explanations are weak. Why even have this scene at all, why not just mention that the king is feeling uneasy (that'll do you for your foreshadowing) and leave it at that. You don't actually have to explain why they hold in the ceremony in exactly the same venue that they've been using for three hundred years... do you?

ETA: chapter number

[diabloblanco18]

Yes, it's all in the Vagaries section of the Tome. But don't worry, that won't be important in this book.

I don't suppose that Tristan is going to have to memorize all (10,000? 50,000? 1,000,000?) pages of the Tome, and then destroy it to prevent it from falling into the wrong hands?

[Ecchi-Oni]

I don't suppose that Tristan is going to have to memorize all (10,000? 50,000? 1,000,000?) pages of the Tome, and then destroy it to prevent it from falling into the wrong hands?

No in a true Yeardite fashion he'll lick every page memorize the taste and the position of the ink and then burn the book.

[Galactus]

You know, it's weird but this seems so bad that ANYTHING that actually explains anything makes it look good.... The fact that we got an EXPLANATION for the damn pigeons for instance...

[diabloblanco18]

You know, it's weird but this seems so bad that ANYTHING that actually explains anything makes it look good.... The fact that we got an EXPLANATION for the damn pigeons for instance...

I know...I was rather suprised/impressed that he both knew that pigeons couldn't perform intercontinental flights and remembered to explain why these ones could. Scary.

[AverageGuy]

One day, the wizard is captured by a bunch of evil sorceresses, who want him to tell them all about evil magic, and threaten to hurt him if he does not.

Okay, so we're sure, at this point, that it wasn't the evil magic that made the sorceresses evil. Improper use of the Vagaries wasn't what twisted their minds and turned them against their former allies, husbands, and fathers, correct?

[Myshkin]

I know...I was rather suprised/impressed that he both knew that pigeons couldn't perform intercontinental flights and remembered to explain why these ones could. Scary.

The Comb is evolving. Soon we won't be able to tell him apart from other humans. Woe to us all when that day comes!

[Daedalus V2.0]

Okay, so we're sure, at this point, that it wasn't the evil magic that made the sorceresses evil. Improper use of the Vagaries wasn't what twisted their minds and turned them against their former allies, husbands, and fathers, correct?

Oh no, they had magic before that. It's just that when the wizards switched magic from innate ability to Paragon-fueled the sorceresses had their magic switched too. But you have to remember, these people all chose the path of evil, and so were evil before they started using magic. The Vagaries just made them even more evil.

[Daedalus V2.0]

It's time for chapter 22. Chapter 22 has Tristan wake up in an unfamiliar place. Apparently, the telepotation process is somewhat uncomfotable, and Tristan got a wee bid nausceous in the process before blacking out. So, he wakes up to find his weapons gone, his sword pointed at his throught by a robed man. The man asks Tristan who he is, but Tristan first decides to ask the guy who he is. Naturally, this is inappropriate in such a situation, so the guy gives Tristan three seconds to answer before he kills him. Tristan answers all his questions, so the guy puts the sword down. Turns out it was Ian, Geldon's leper friend. He explains who he is, why Geldon isn't here, and what leprosy is. You see, there is no leprosy in Eutrasia. Wigg explains that leprosy was created by the sorceresses as a terror weapon (what bad thing wasn't?), but he can cure it with his magic, as soon s they finish off the sorceresses (note at this point- Wigg cannot use his magic here, due to him using all of his power to conceal the presence of his and Tristan's blood.). Ian is naturally glad of this opportunity, and thanks Wigg profusely. Geldon does not show up that night, so they fall asleep and spend the next day doing absolutely nothing before he does show up. Geldon explains that they are going to have to sneak out of the city using the underwater passage that he uses to get in and out, but Wigg will have to use his magic to widen it, given that it's merely dwarf-sized (he's a hunchback. Does this not mean that his cross-section would actually be wider than that of a normal person?). So, he gets into a big argument with Wigg before Wigg uses his magic. I can only hope that the sorceresses didn't detect him... The chapter ends.

[Daedalus V2.0]

Another short chapter of evil. However, this one breaks the mold of the last few- it has plot significance! Apparently, Failee did notice when Wigg used his powers, and knows that they're here. Well, looks like their plan to walk right in the front door disguised as slaves for the Stables won't do so well. Anyways, she summons Sucky and Kruge to her rooms. When they show up, she starts the conversation with an interesting tidbit- she knows Kruge and Sucky have been having sex and she orders them to stop. Then she orders Kruge to double the guard (Sucky had already done this, but now they're doing it again. They can sustain four times their normal guard indefinitely?). Then, she tells them to go ahead and kill Wigg, but leave Tristan alive and bring him to Sucky. She is to rape him repeatedly until he gets her pregnant, then kill him (even though after they finish their ritual he'll just become their slave anyways). The chapter ends with Kruge thinking about how much he hates Tristan.

[Daedalus V2.0]

Another chapter done. This book is getting easier to read, even though it seems to only be getting worse. Whats going on? What a strange phenomenon. Anyways, this one starts with Tristan drowning in the sewer system while swimming through. Looks like his big old sword got stuck in the ceiling, so he tried to free it and inadverantly extended the blade. Oops. Anyways, there's a 6 second period of something that might be referred to as tension before Wigg wakes him up and reveals that Geldon saved him. Good thing the dwarf is such a strong swimmer! Now then, it's time to start walking to the Recluse (the sorceress' fortress). They're taking a route which avoids the main paths, and eventually come upon a valley which has lots of carrior eaters hovering above it. Turns out that one minion in every 5000 is born with blond hair and white wings (they look like angels, if you missed the reference), and these are seen as an inferior race by the other minions. They are raised as normal Minions to the age of 25, and if their wings and hair go dark they become just like any other, but if not then they are taken to this valley and tortured to death. The men die after a day or ttwo, but the women, their torture not being so cruel to allow the Minions to rape them repeatedly, last a bit longer. Also, these fair-toned minions are much nicer than normal Minions (like angels, eh?). So, Tristan looks down and sees that one of the Galliopoli (their names) is a woman, and se is still alive. Well, Tristan being Tristan, he runs down to try to save her. Wigg shakes his head at Tristan's impetuousness and the chapter ends.

[Lupigis]

So, the evil minions are named Minions, and the nice Minions are named after a famous WWI battle site. WTF?!

[Lupigis]

At this point, a gnome (named Michael the Meagre. I hate you, Mr. Comb)

Apparently, all gnomes have names that emphasise how small they are. I just discvered that there are excerpts from all the books on Newcombs website, including the five first chapters of the upcoming sixth book. From these chapters I learned that by the sixth book, Shannon the Short is married to Shawna the Short...