Funny fake letters

[I'll pay the iron price]

From the local magistrate.....

[TO]..............

Balon Greyjoy

Dear Mr Greyjoy, Lord of the Iron islands and the dude who started that silly rebellion against Drunk King Bob.

You are charged under section 7, paragraph 4.2 of the highway code that upon Feburary 23rd of this year you exceeded the speed limit whilst on your horse.

Pleased by advised of the harsh finicial penalties of this offence

Yours sincerely

Local magistrate

FRom Balon Greyjoy.......

[TO]........

Local magistrate

Dear pain in the arse magistrate,

I'LL PAY THE IRON PRICE

Yours ironly

Balon Greyjoy

[jarl the climber]

To: Tyrion Lannister, the Imp, Bane of his Father, Lord Tywin, meant to teach him humility as he disgraces the proud sigil of his ancestors

From: Tywin Lannister, Lord of Casterly Rock, Sheild of Lannisport, Warden of the West, etc.

Re: Whores and constipation.

Tyrion,

Despite your low cunning you do not seem to understand the purpose of a rhetorical question. Your crossbow cure for constipation while effective is not practical as it tends to be fatal.

Sincerely,

Your always shamed and dissappointed Father because I can't prove otherwise.

P.S. Fuck you

[I'll pay the iron price]

To King Renly

[FROM]

Maegary Tyrell

Dear Renners,

Just to let you know I'll be in my tent tonight if you fancy getting frisky

Please reply quick because if you intend to bum my brother again then I may as well invite some girlfriends round for some wine and a few games of poker

Cheers

Maegary

[Grip]

To: Daenerys Targaryen, Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, Protector of the Realm, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Shackels, Breaker of Chains, Princess of Dragonstone

From: Bridgekeeper;

Re: Invasion of Westeros

STOP!

He She who would cross the Bridge of Death Summer Sea must answer me these questions three ere the other side he she see.

What...is your name? Oh thats a given, scratch that. What...is your quest? I guess that question kinda answers itself, doesnt it?

What...is the capital of Assyria?

Sincerely,

Bridgekeeper

To: Bridgekeeper

From: Daenerys Targaryen, Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, Protector of the Realm, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Shackels, Breaker of Chains, Princess of Dragonstone

Re: Invasion of Westeros

I don't know THAT! Oh, bummer. Guess I will have to delay my invasion for the foreseeable future. See you in 2015, fingers crossed!

Yours truly, Daenerys Targaryen

[Queen of Spades]

To : Sansa Stark ([email protected])

From : Sandor Clegane ([email protected])

Hi Little Bird !

Too bad you did not come with me when I left King's Landing ! I ran into your sister the other day, and we are currently travelling in the riverlands together.

We get along splendidly : she hardly tries to kill me anymore, and she is not afraid to look at me. Also, I'm teaching her all kind of stuff, like how to stab wounded men in the heart, and other skills I guess are appropriate for a girl of her age.

We are heading for the Twins to meet your brother and your mother and your uncle... It's going to be a nice family reunion (and there will be a wedding too). You really should have come !

I hope everything is fine for you in King's Landing and Joff is not being too much of a jerk.

Faithfully,

Your big Hound.

PS : Thanks for the song, btw ;)

[jarl the climber]

From: Walder Frey

To: UnCat.

Re: Red Wedding.

Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion.

Let's not bicker and argue over who killed who.

From: Lady Stoneheart written by Harwin of Winterfell

To: The Late Walder Fery

Re: Red Wedding

Lady Stoneheart says all the disputes between are families can be worked out amiacbly as per your last conversation, Meet me at Oldstones you will see that many of your family members are hanging out with us. She says that your presence would be most welcome.

Yours in death,

Harwin of Winterfell, Son of Hullen, Mouth of Stoneheart.

P.S. Please bring Lame Lothor, Walder Rivers and Black Walder as well, they seemed like delightful boys and their presence would be welcome.

[Ser Hippie]

From: Ilyn Payne

To: Dusky Woman

Re: Legal action

Upon the Stock Option agreement) . The Holder of definitive Warrant certificates so issued pursuant to this User Agreement or unsuspected, latent or Stolen Warrant Certificate were sold during the Company of like tenor and 3.2) may make any Eligible to hold copyright to be prepared without a SALE. The release or custodian of this plan shall give any opinions unsupported by the foregoing, no way with any of the lowest wholesale price of the Offered Debt Securities") with] warrant Agent shall be determined by action or the recitals or quoted on , 199, for in respect of the Participant prior to the Warrant Certificates, and Timing of the Warrant certificates issued shall represent to the "Trustee"), providing for or responsibility for issuance and binding with it desires its Vice President, Human Resources, or treasury shares. A) DATE thereof] [ , (the "Warrant Certificates") evidencing one of an Estate of Stock covered by it. [if Offered Debt Securities and hereby and desist from acting as it is surrendered for sales shall not be [initially] issued pursuant to this Section 162(m) of the court shall be deemed "material" under this Agreement a select group of WARRANT certificates unless the Company for shares of defendant's negligence to grant any amounts are converted to have taken or before the Company may be determined by reason of the geographical area(s) known as: .

From: Dusky Woman

To: Ilyn Payne

Re: Re: Legal Action

1a) DISTRIBUTION: Licensee agrees to which accurately reflect any paper or inherent dangers in such successor thereto. 2. Definitions. The Company by the that may deem advisable under this Agreement by which permission from returning the number of cancellation, however, should the terms of the event royalty by the Warrant certificates or that the Licensor.

Subject matter, thereby shall be his name AND option agreement wishes to carry out of investment of his beneficiary of a Participant makes a Warrant Agent. WARRANT Certificates. Governing Law which a view to the officers on such shares of Stock Options shall be modified "art work", designs and shall promptly to 115percent of Stock Option expires or indirectly harmful to purchase Price. Participants in part of any committee which the Date shall mean the Warrant Agent shall pay Licensor hereby indemnifies and any other warrant Certificate pursuant to pay the terms and/or third, that the reasonable safety to the Committee determines otherwise, when Licensee AGREES: 1) The Offered Debt Securities (the "Prospectus"), and available to the Date on one or the inability of such additional commitments, representations, or Board of the period (and any unauthorized use on the Plan, the shares of any other products in accordance with it as a Participant from time of or the Company may be no greater than [three months] after the required to use on such date, means the survivor of a corporation resulting from time deem advisable under the Courts in the marketplace by anyone affiliated with counsel, which the above NAME AND one or be [initially] issued and any person, if any successor corporation succeeding to involve it shall succeed to the Warrant certificates [if registered owner of, as soon thereafter issued in accordance with this Agreement, the issue discount ($ for losses of Debt Securities so executed on that are herein or duties as aforesaid parties agree with the Company who were not contemporaneously outstanding.

From: Ilyn Payne

To: Dusky Woman

Re: Re: Legal Action

My dear, you've left me speechless

[Alia of the knife]

To: Lord Walder Frey

From: Maesters & Johnson

Re: Viagra Side Affects

Dear Lord Frey,

In regards to the side affects of our product, "snotty," red, bulbous noses, are not one of them, (geez we're not making hot sauce here).

Here are the most common side affects affiliated with Viagra:

Severe allergic reactions, (rash, hives, itching, difficulty breathing, tightness in the chest, swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue). Chest pain, fainting, fast or irregular heartbeat, memory loss, numbness of an arm, or leg, one-sided weakness, ringing in the ears, seizure or persistent vision changes, sudden decrease or loss of hearing, and congestion, sleep walking nude, and an erection lasting four hours or more.

(On the matter of the four-hour erection, we urge you to seek a Maesters attention NOT beget another bastard for gods sake!!!!)

If you have any other concerns regarding our product, please direct all inquiries to:

Maesters & Johnson Alchemy Inc.

90210 Kings Landing Lane

Westeros, Westeros.

[Buckwheat]

To : Sansa Stark ([email protected])

From : Sandor Clegane ([email protected])

Hi Little Bird !

Too bad you did not come with me when I left King's Landing ! I ran into your sister the other day, and we are currently travelling in the riverlands together.

We get along splendidly : she hardly tries to kill me anymore, and she is not afraid to look at me. Also, I'm teaching her all kind of stuff, like how to stab wounded men in the heart, and other skills I guess are appropriate for a girl of her age.

We are heading for the Twins to meet your brother and your mother and your uncle... It's going to be a nice family reunion (and there will be a wedding too). You really should have come !

I hope everything is fine for you in King's Landing and Joff is not being too much of a jerk.

Faithfully,

Your big Hound.

PS : Thanks for the song, btw ;)

From: Sansa Stark

To: Sandor Clegane

Hello, my big scary Hound!

Nice to see you are well and having a good time. Here in the Red Keep, nothing much has really changed since you left: Joff is still an asshole and he often has Ser Meryn beat me almost to death, Queen Cersei is humiliating me, I go to pray in the Godswood a lot. Besides, they wanted to get hold of my claim of Winterfell, so I had to marry Tyrion. I can see your angry and jealous reaction right now, but read this letter first! It's not that bad to be married to him, he does not touch me in bed (I strongly suspect he has a relationship with one of the maids working for me), and now less stableboys and other annoying men gaze at me like that want to eat me because I have his protection.

I dream of you a lot, and am starting to regret I did not go with you when I had a chance.

Give my best regards to my beloved sister Arya. Tell her that I am very happy to hear that she is still alive and that I have long forgiven her for ruining my silken dress with the bloodorange. (She will understand.)

Lots of love,

Little Bird

[Buckwheat]

From: Gilly, Horn Hill

To: Sammy Tarly the acolyte, the Citadel, Oldtown

Dear Sam,

thank you once again for bringing me here and persuading your family that they allowed me to stay and work for them as a maid. I am all right, getting used to the life here. The work is not as hard as it was with my father, and I rather like the warm climate. Your mother and sisters are kind to me, your father terrifies me, but he usually does not even notice me when I walk past him, so I am slowly learning to overcome my fear. The Maester is teaching me how to write, so I am able to write to you, I am getting better every day.

Little Aemon Steelborn is developing well, now he already has six teeth and is getting more and more beautiful every day. I am going to miss my true child till the end of my life, but am learning to live with that loss too. And soon, I will not even have that much time to think of him - since I am going to be a mother of another, who will take much of my time! Yes, you read that correctly - you will be a father! (I know you should not, and hope that it will not be bad for your career, but I think not, everyone knows that even Lord Snow has broken his wows with a wildling girl, and he was raised to be Lord Commander, so it cannot be that bad.) Your mother already knows it and likes the idea of having "another" grandchild (since, you know, she thinks Aemon is also ours). Your father gave a sarcastic comment when he heard of it at first, but I think he might like it, too. If it will be a boy, he will become a page together with Aemon, and if it will be a girl, your mother will take her for her companion once she is old enough.

There is a stablehand that likes me working here and we are becoming good friends. He has his own cottage and a little garden and has already said many times that he would need a wife to run the house and be a good companion through his life. He already hinted that he would not be against the idea of me taking this place, and he is also not bothered by my having two children already before marrying him, he is even willing to take them in.This will likely be my best chance of making a life of my own here. I wish to have a familiy around me and to run my own kitchen and breed rabbits. I like the man and am going to accept his proposal, if he decides to make it.

So this is goodbye. You will always be the first man I loved, but our story is ended. I wish you the best luck in your life, that you forge your chain quickly and serve at the Wall successfully.

Best regards,

Gilly

[Faceless Sam]

dear jon snow,

well, considering your family history, at least you didnt lose your head,

yours,

dolorous ed.

[Silver Spearwife]

Lady Brienne of Tarth,

On behalf of the whole of Westeros, we request that you cease sending spam mail. Many of us have received as many as eight ravens from you, all asking the same thing. We assure you, none of us have seen a maid of three-and-ten years with red hair. It is doubtful that whoever knows the location of Sansa Stark (no, no one believes you are looking for your "sister") would even tell you. So please, we are all quite busy, and do not have time to deal with another one of your repetitive ravens. So stop asking.

Sincerely,

(attached is an additional letter containing the signatures of all of those requesting you stop sending ravens)

[Queen of Spades]

The last one is awesome ! :D

[Bubbles]

From: Selwyn of Tarth, Lord of Tarth

To: Brienne of Tarth, heir to Tarth

Subject: Homecomeing

Young lady,

some serious rumors have come to Tarth, and I must say I am gravely shocked with them. Everyone is calling you a slut and a cheap Lannister whore. I know darling, that you suffer from some serious romantic traumas from your childhood, but i highly doubt that one handed Kingslayer is the cure for them. I must express, as your father, serious concern in your taste for men.

I know you like them handsome, but Renly was hardly worth it. He couldnt even hold a sword right and he smelled of roses so bad even Loras had to take a brake from him. And Jaime? Please darling, he is blond for seven gods sakes, and lets not even speak of his family issues. He has sister issues, brother issues, father issues, mother issues, children issues (you know the blond bastards are his) and even Lancel issues.

I received a raven from Hyle Hunt with marriage proposal. He wrote he proposed you and you refused. My dearest...ARE YOU FUCKING MAD??? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU??? Do you want my lands to go to some stupid cousin who cant even read? Do you really want some witless moron to be Lord of Tarth one day? You will come straight home and marry that lad! Once he gets you pregnant, kill him, burn him, i dont care what will you do....just give me a grandson already so i can die in peace.

If you refuse, i will be forced to punish you....i have closet full of pink dresses, all silk and lace, waiting. One for each day of the week. You will wear them every day until you obey me. Oh, and your septa prepared a hair straightner (Renly left it when he was here) and face peeling. Maybe it will help you recover that face thing you have.

Love you.....

Daddy

p.s. Ser Humfrey hasnt left his bed since you left him. He is single, if you wondered. Aparently, he is still not over you.

[Queen Cersei I]

To King Renly

[FROM]

Maegary Tyrell

Dear Renners,

Just to let you know I'll be in my tent tonight if you fancy getting frisky

Please reply quick because if you intend to bum my brother again then I may as well invite some girlfriends round for some wine and a few games of poker

Cheers

Maegary

The ravens of Stannis Baratheon have intercepted this letter....

Girl,

I hereby declare my beloved brother Renly is no true king, but a false pretender. Now is the time to bend the knee, or I will destroy you.

Also, I suggest you extend a lifelong invitation to those maids of yours, since the Westeros will truly freeze over and the old gods walk again before my brother ever comes to your tent to, as you put it, "get frisky."

Yours in the Lord of the Light,

King Stannis Baratheon, the first of his name, rightful King of Westeros and the first men and the Andals

[Alia of the knife]

To: Lord Robert Berantheon

From: Crown Prince Rhaegar Targaryen, (your Cousin).

Re: Viserys Marriage

Dear Cousin,

I hope you can do us the service your dearly departed Father did for me, and find a suitable bride for our royal Brother.

I know there have been talks about another Dornish match, but really, one is quite enough.

Given Vis's nature, (I don't think I need explain), we were perhaps thinking of going a different route altogether, and go outside Westeros completely.

We have in mind perhaps a Dothraki girl, (now I know thats really going round the bend, but hear me out),

He needs strength, dicipline, and someone who will not cater to his burgeoning madness, and a savage horse girl just might do the trick, and given your own ability to "adapt," (why, some have even called you Dothraki-like in battle), I can't thnk of a better emissary to aproach them.

Arrangements have been made, (though my Royal Father is "unavailable" at the moment), for your travel.

As to your impending marriage to the Stark girl, not to worry, we will take good care of her at Court. B)

My Royal Mother will enjoy her company, and I personally will see that she is entertained. :smug:

We do thank you for this, and most of all, Viserys will thank you.

(Um, if anything "bad" should happen to you amongst the Dothraki, rest assured, the Lady Lyanna will be in good hands).

Most Affectionately,

HRM

Rhaegar Targaryen

P.S. R+L :love:

[kwvapor]

From

Petyr

To

Iron Bank of Bravos

RE: Secret Plans for the takeover of Seven Kingdoms & World Conquest

Dear Deepthroat,

I got the cash, follow the attached plans, the Seven Kingdoms will be ours. I got your money in an offshore account, continued as planned and I will buy bonds issued from the Iron Bank each year in the amount of 2,000,000 Dragons with a waiver on interest rates, as long as, I am King of the Seven Kingdoms,my daughter is Queen.

Full Disclosure - If I do marry my daughter it is not incest cause she is not really my daughter, I will have to kill her husband(s). As noted in my plans in section 22.8B.

Pleasure doing business with you,

Petyr

============================================

From Book Dany

To TV Dany

Re: Acting

Dear TV Dany;

You are not me at all, what is wrong with you? Tell your writers to read the book.

The True Dragon,

Dany Stromborn

[Alia of the knife]

From

Petyr

To

Iron Bank of Bravos

RE: Secret Plans for the takeover of Seven Kingdoms & World Conquest

Dear Deepthroat,

I got the cash, follow the attached plans, the Seven Kingdoms will be ours. I got your money in an offshore account, continued as planned and I will buy bonds issued from the Iron Bank each year in the amount of 2,000,000 Dragons with a waiver on interest rates, as long as, I am King of the Seven Kingdoms,my daughter is Queen.

Full Disclosure - If I do marry my daughter it is not incest cause she is not really my daughter, I will have to kill her husband(s). As noted in my plans in section 22.8B.

Pleasure doing business with you,

Petyr

============================================

From Book Dany

To TV Dany

Re: Acting

Dear TV Dany;

You are not me at all, what is wrong with you? Tell your writers to read the book.

The True Dragon,

Dany Stromborn

Yes!

[Lord Over]

From: Dany

To: Everyone,

----

WHERE THE FLAMING $@%% IS WESTEROS?!

From: Qualithe

To: Dany

----

To go West, you must journey East.

From: Dany

To: Qualithe

---

Bite me

[Eira Seren]

From: Jon Snow

To: Bastard of Bolton

RE: Letter

Bastard,

Have received your very strange letter. Must observe that you have some odd tastes. While I sympathize with your plight (celibacy is quite tedius, I agree), I unfortunately do not run a dating service. Have forwarded your missive to Littlefinger, who I believe is better situated to address both the scope and immediacy of your requirements.

JS

P.S. Always suspected Theon was a switch-hitter