The Vampire Angel Viking Romance, A Novel

[Serious Callers Only]

I used viperous recently

It was totally awesome

[Datepalm]

She's also referred to as 'aspish', which I find Geographically bothersome.

[Red Sun]

:drunk:

I wonder if the author knows what fjords are or if she only uses the word so much, because it sounds nordic (or pretends all this).

Jasper is a very mundane name of a leader of vampire-angels.

[MinDonner]

She's also referred to as 'aspish', which I find Geographically bothersome.

"Waspish" I could get behind; we Northern Europeans do have a shortage of dangerous fauna though. I looked up snakes of Norway, and they have even fewer than we do, and only one poisonous - and "adderish" lacks that certain something. "Hoggormish" (local name) even more so.

Still, could be worse. At least asps are relatively close compared to, say, boas or mambas, which would also carry the implication that Princess Whatsername sported a massive cock.

[Lummel]

But that would at least explain why the look in her eyes wasn't virginal and innocent...

Red Sun! The author has though enlightened us all about fjords - we now know that they are things that slither across the landscape like snakes!

[Datepalm]

I assumed "Army of Jasper" was to the tune of "Jade Army" or "Army of Stone" or something like that, but

In a cold, cold, miles-long cave known as Horror, far below the surface of the earth, Jasper paced.

So it really is just a lame name.

Between this and those snaking fjords, could this be the rare book obsessed with yonic imagery? They're cold, cold, named Horror or just filled with the frigid waters of the North Sea...but at least they're vaginas! Right?

Theres some classificatory wankery delineating Jasper's type of demon (or falled angel, or something) from other types, and going into the vampire thing, and it's not interesting. Only we meet his assistant, who he is bitching to,

there was the slimy, poisonous mung that covered every surface of its body

Mmm, the thing covered in slimy mung, in the long cold cave...

uh, nevermind.

Jasper goes on to think about the exposition, and it turns out his army fights against the vangels. (Thats Vampire Angels) and he's all totally bitter about Michael not being his friend anymore. Presumably because he keeps people's souls

on display slabs with a two-foot pin through the heart holding them down. Like butterflies, they were, especially when they flailed their arms and legs in a wing fashion

I don't know what "in wing fashion" means, but otherwise, i'm starting to warm to this fellow, mung covered assistants and all.

Anyway, it turns out he has a captured vangel too! Only a minor one, but still. He has all his mooks torture him

wrapping barbed wire around the always erect phallus, jamming odious objects up the anus, stuffing imp offal in the mouth

Wait. What? Nothing like a few descriptions of rape and torture to keep that nice, humorous, lightly sexy atmosphere intact. Tone deafness ftw. This is really a weird shift into genuine grossness, for me, in the space of a paragraph. Before that it was all evil of the cackling mad scientist variety, and the whole thing is written in a kind of campy-fun tone, and suddenly - this. Is the (male) body and sexuality so objectified in this book that any description of a penis is fair game? Is it somehow funny because it's a man? No idea.

Back to Jasper, who is continuing in his evil pacing. He's all emo, becuase he used to be totally hawt too, and he isn't anymore. That appears to be the sum of his grievaces. What he does is speed up the capture of souls for hell, by catching the recently dead and getting them into the Evil Vagina Mung Cave, where he tortures them until they're ready to go to hell, thus denying them to heaven...but the whole thing is maybe going too slowly...

We must needs speed up the process. Bring in hundreds, no, thousands of doomed souls at one time.”

“Like 9/11?”

If you were wondering if it's still too soon - clearly, it's not. 9/11 humor also ftw.

Also, 'must needs'? ADWD has a bit to answer for...

But 9/11 won't do - the angels got in too fast, whisking everyone off to heaven. Fortunately, Jasper has another plan:

"Did Satan not invent the Internet to blacken the souls of mankind?"

You tell me.

[Lummel]

uh? Me confused already. I thought the hero had to join the army of Jasper for 700 years to avoid Hell and damnation, but they don't seem to be terribly nice. Also there seems to be some chronological inexactitude going on - so how is Vikar the Viking going to know that he's done 700 years of service/ Those angels could be cozening him.

Also Min's books were never quite so disturbing... :eek:

[Datepalm]

Apparently he has to fight against the Army of Jasper rather than with the army of Jasper (aka the Lucipires. Really.) I think.

[Lummel]

Then I concur with my Lady Red Sun above. It's an unimpressive name for a villain. I expect the baddies to be more image conscious and to have done some market research into appropriately villainous names these days.

[Datepalm]

Re time: Wouldn't he be done by now? Lindisfarne was in 793? Shouldn't Vikar be done Angel Vampiring sometime around the time Columbus gets lost on the way to India?

[Red Sun]

I wonder if Jasper is supposed to be a reference to Twilight.

If you were wondering if it's still too soon - clearly, it's not. 9/11 humor also ftw.

Also, 'must needs'? ADWD has a bit to answer for...

I just read "must needs" yesterday in "The Eagle of the Ninth". So, there are more roots to this evil. ;-)

[Datepalm]

Vikar Sigurdsson hadn’t had sex in a hundred years, and he was not in the greatest of moods. The last time had resulted in two hundred years being added to his penance, and it hadn’t even been good sex

Ok, solved the temporal question. Phew.

I'd get all sarcastic about someone having a celibacy kink, but to get way too personal, I kind of get it. Only I get it if it's self-enforced celibacy. This is just weird.

Vikar is in Transylvania...Pensylvania, (get it?) working on restoring an old house with his Vangel underlings. Who are all Vikings and all builders and all immortal, apparently, and kind of whiny. (Theres like a whole heirarchy with our seven brothers at the top, naturally. They're not just footsoldiers in the Viking Vampire Angel army, no sir.)

command a kitchen? It’s demeaning, that’s what it is. Immediately, he chastised himself. Pride was e’er his downfall

Aha! Pride. Have we found our sin? So...Viking Angel Vampire Celibate Construction Worker. Smokin'.

Vikar's brother shows up

“Your doorbell is loud enough to wake the dead,” Trond remarked.

“Good thing we’re dead.”

and they info about the upcoming Vangel meeting, where all seven bro's will be reunited. Apparently none of them are particulary good with the celibacy thing. Oh, and they call Archangel Michael "Mike". It's impossible to beat this book, I tell you.

Theres a bunch of somewhat lame humor about how one of the brothers is teaching Mike to make spreadsheets so he can keep track of everyone's sins and so on.

Vikar mentions that Trond should feed, because he's looking all transparent, and we find out these are the kind of Vampires that have no problem going out during the day. He gets some "fake-O" out of the fridge.

Is there actually a point to vampire mythos these days? They're fine in the day, they don't need blood...what are authors actually using vampires for in their stories?

Anyway:

Back in the old days, like the Roman empire where Trond had spent the past twenty years, there were no SPF 1000 sunscreens

Here I thought they were just immortal. They can actually time travel? Will wonders never end?

Speaking of, i'm a Middle Eastern redhead, and I have never encountered 1000 SPF sunblock. I think it goes up to like 130. Does such a thing exist in America?

Trond:

Just because I’m lazy does not make me a halfbrain

and

Thrain fell off a shaky balcony.” Everyone knew that Thrain had to be the clumsiest Viking, or vampire angel, who ever lived . . . or died.

Much better than the seven dwarves.

Thrain isn't one of the brothers though, but maybe only they get the cool shorthand personalities. Theres like hundreds of these Vangel dudes, were they all judged to this thing for various different personal flaws? Sure, theres the Pride Vangel and the Lust Vangel...but is there a Poor Organizations Skills Vangel? A Procrastination Vangel? A Passive Agressive Vangel? No wonder these guys are a pain to work with.

Vikar rolled his eyes. “Trond! Michael Jackson was a pop music star. He was as far from a Norseman in appearance as a cat from a tiger.”

Trond’s chest shook with suppressed mirth. Then he punched Vikar in the arm. “I know who Michael Jackson was, lackwit.”

He shook his head at Trond’s mirth making, oddly touched at this simple expression of closeness betwixt them. It was lonely living for all these years, isolated from the rest of society . . . living but not really living. At least they had each other.

Y U B racist yo?

Also, Oh, the pain! Oh, the not-really-living! Just like Michael Jackson! Say what you will about him, I think we can agree he did not deserve to be in this book.

[Antonius Pius]

Oh joy, new snark! Thanks Datepalm!

...one of the brothers is teaching Mike to make spreadsheets so he can keep track of everyone's sins and so on.

It does keep getting better...

Is there actually a point to vampire mythos these days? They're fine in the day, they don't need blood...what are authors actually using vampires for in their stories?

Sexual objectification? I mean, "Viking Angel Vampire Celibate Construction Worker".

Nice casual torture-scene though. I hope The Yeard is paying attention.

[MinDonner]

Then the Archangel Michael shows up, and folks, the archangel Michael is like totally hawt. He is so hawt, we even grok this through Vikar's presumably super sexed, viking, het male pov. Seriously, he is 'beauteous to behold', and yet has 'the body of a warrior', even though he's wearing a dress robe. Do, like, all positive male presences in Romances have to be hot? If God himself shows up, will he be the sexiest of them all?

Today's Dinosaur Comics - I'm getting the distinct impression that it's not just Sandra Hill who's following your posts. You should start charging royalties!

[Maithanet]

This story is really hard to follow. Is it just that I'm used to crappy action stories about men who solve problems through violence that I found Rockson much less confusing? Are women more in tune with understanding stories where men solve problems through sexiness? Or is it just that this story is borrowing so many different things from different places that it is making my head spin just putting them all together? I mean, Rockson met up with the Racist Black Stereotypes working as porters on a train, but they weren't the Racist Black Stereotypes who are actually Centaurs posing as sexy mariachis to free the Maori! That would have been too confusing for Rockson to kill! (maybe).

Also, one of the brothers is named Mordr? What are the odds that good ol' Mordor is either evil or at some point becomes evil in the story? Anyone want to take bets?

[Datepalm]

Trond did in fact look like a gladiator in his thigh-length, pleated leather tunic, with a wide leather belt, and cross-gartered sandals, exposing his big feet and bare, hairy legs. He might be lazy, but he was one good-looking lazy man

I think we may need a recap, here on page ten:

Vikings were created by God (with Fjords)

Vikar and his six brothers were bad, bad vikings.

They were cursed/blessed/something to 700 years of fighting against the Army of Jasper to atone for their sin(s).

As Vampire Angels.

Jasper is a fallen angel who steals the souls of the recently dead and tortures them so they go to hell. He's planning something nefarious with the internet.

Jump to the present:

Vikar is refurbishing a house in Pennsylvania, when his brother Trond shows up. From being a Galdiator, in ancient rome, because they also time travel. A very good looking Roman Gladiator, as the ever so straight, manly Vikar notices in a way that is not at all incesty.

Now we can carry on - it turns out the Viking Vampire Angels time travelling days are actually over - the 21st century is so bad, that Archangel Mike has decided they'll stay there. He assigns Trond to go be...you'll never guess...a Navy SEAL.

They discuss security arrangements for a while, since one of the Lucipires broke in recently. These are the dreaded footsoldier in the Army of Jasper, ie, Lucifer Vampires. Ie, Lucies. Really. Security arrangements include:

"Molly Maids were supposed to start working here today...I told them we have a theatrical group rehearsing one of those mystery weekend skits for when the hotel opens".

Well, that's ok then. Fortunately, with that fool proof plan out of the way, we can move back to thinking about important things:

“Nice hair, by the by,” Trond remarked. “You better cut it before the Reckoning, though.”

Vikar did have good hair. Really good hair. Shoulder-length. Blond. Like silk, thanks to modern hair products.

:stunned:

The they discuss their respective sentences (which as you may recall, keep getting time added to them,) while Vikar gives Trond a tour. Trond, btw, totally freaked out hearing about the errant Lucipire, and is now carrying around a broadsword, which I assume he got out of wherever Duncan MacLeod keeps his Katana or something. So this Viking Angel Vampire Construction Worker with the great blonde hair is showing his brother, the Viking Angel Vampire Gladiator SEAL to be with the hairy feet and the giant broadsword around his Pennsylavania castle (it is repeatedly described as a castle, with dungeons and everything) while they talk about...

“Sex?”

“Near-sex.”

Do not ask. It is a trap. But curiosity got the better of him. “What in blue blazes is near-sex?”

“Blue blazes?” Trond homed in on that one phrase, and laughed.

That did sound silly. “I’m trying not to swear so much.”

....

“Near-sex?” he repeated.

Trond explained, in detail.

Holy lutefisk! “And we’re permitted to do that?”

Holy lutefisk, batman! Vikar is 1200 years old (he's fucked up a lot) and has just now learned that theres more to sex than vaginal penetration?

.

[Galactus]

Whatever else, I bet Sandra Hill had LOADS of fun writing this.

EDIT: You're going to have your work cut out for yourself if you want to top this. Although sexy bank-robber Stalin (disguised as priest?)/Lawrence of Arabia (he counts as a Sheikh, right?) slash would be a good start.

[Lummel]

... Are women more in tune with understanding stories where men solve problems through sexiness? ...

I am struggling just with the concept. Plus why hasn't the hero been knocked unconscious yet?

...Well, that's ok then. Fortunately, with that fool proof plan out of the way, we can move back to thinking about important things:

:stunned:

Heh. Really typical 'man' thought there :rofl: . So they are metrosexual time travelling ditch digging house building cowboying viking vampire navy seal angels!

Whatever else, I bet Sandra Hill had LOADS of fun writing this.

EDIT: You're going to have your work cut out for yourself if you want to top this. Although sexy bank-robber Stalin (disguised as priest?)/Lawrence of Arabia (he counts as a Sheikh, right?) slash would be a good start.

I thought we had done that already? (admittedly a real sheikh and CEO of the capital capitalist bank of capitalist capital in Baku rather than T E Lawrence)

[Sci-2]

Shouldn't Vikar be done Angel Vampiring sometime around the time Columbus gets lost on the way to India?

Leave the motherland outta this. ;-)

[Edda van Heefmstra Ruston]

My God Almighty. Can I put this down in the life-changing books thread? :rofl: