Raggedy Edge

[Guest Raidne]

Thank you Malcolm Reynolds for supplying me with the necessary phrase.

So, here's the thing. My entire life is imploding. Seriously, I'm constantly having flashes of that scene from Inception, you know? Yeah you know which one I'm talking about. 13 year relationship over, moving out, blah, blah, blah. People are right - it is like dealing with a death. I'm moving this weekend, trying to manage all those details. A good friend is going to come over and help me dismantle my life on Saturday.

Right now, my husband's cat, who he has also had for 13 years, is likely having a series of repeated strokes and may be dying as I type this. She can't stand. He took her to the vet this morning and they are running tests but basically they sent him home and told him to wait it out. She and the younger cat always play fight in the morning, so this morning the younger cat did his usual thing and went over to her to play and, of course, she couldn't move. So he literally wrapped an arm (paw?) around her and started licking her head. It's one of the saddest and sweetest things I have ever seen.

I can barely take it. But I'm holding up! I am! I have a therapist, I'm in touch with my emotions, I'm not unfunctionally depressed, etc. I am actually pretty happy about a few things - my friends have been amazing to me, etc.

But I cannot concentrate at work to save my life. There is just nothing mentally there. I've tried everything. I tried starting threads on philosophy here to see if my brain still worked. I've tried reading cases, writing cases. I've tried coming in late and well-rested. I've tried just forcing myself - which did work to some extent, but not well.

What to do? Also, I think I'm about to go tell my Judge what's going on with me. We have a good relationship, and she is no doubt wondering why she's only received a fraction of the cases that she usually does from me. Is this a good idea? Anything I should be careful to say?

But most importantly, please, how can I concentrate at work? How do you concentrate at work when you major life drama? Is this a normal problem?

Thanks.

[Ormond]

Well of course it's normal to be having trouble concentrating at work when your personal life is going through turmoil.

As to whether you should tell your boss the judge or not -- you know her better than anyone on this board does. I would think the majority of bosses in the world would want to know when an employee is going through a divorce/separation/bereavement etc., and would be willing to give the employee some slack in terms of work productivity because of that. There are always some bad bosses who would just see this as a sign of weakness, but hopefully if the judge was that sort of person you'd know it by now.

One other thing to say would be that most people actually overestimate the amount of time it will take them to get back to their "normal" emotional state after any sort of major life change (whether it's postive or negative). Divorce is probably the second most stressful thing to go through after the death of a spouse or a child. But you will be back to being able to do your job well sooner than you think. Try not to be too hard on yourself for your present problems with concentrating on the job; you'll probably get over the problem sooner if you don't get into self-condemnation over it.

[Myshkin]

Sorry to hear about all the crap happening in your life. I guess some people just throw themselves into their work when life gets rough, but it doesn't sound like you're one of those types. If you have the time/money maybe you should go on vacation. Take a break, go somewhere you've never been. Read some existentialist literature and ponder the meaning of life.

[Ser Scot A Ellison]

Raidne,

What Ormond said. This too shall pass. You remain in my thoughts, and if you don't mind, prayers.

:)

[eta]

I told my boss what was going on when my wife and I went through our really bad period six years ago. He appreciated it.

[Guest Raidne]

Now, go out and party. The newly freed you is something to celebrate.

It would be harder to do this to a greater extent than I already have been. It's really only helpful to a point and after awhile you get painfully aware that you're just sublimating.

It's still fun though, but I'm not going to go out again until Saturday, for once, this week.

So, are you guys really telling me that I should just keep doing nothing? I mean, all I do is read, decide, and write cases. I don't have any busy work that is mindless to do.

[Reek]

Do some volunteer work.

Find a cause you can stand behind and do your part to make a difference.

[Nichole]

I think what you are experiencing is normal. Some people can throw themselves into their work when their personal lives are experiencing turmoil, but don't beat yourself up if you are not one of them.

I think you should talk to your boss. You can frame it as, "I'm going through a tough time and trying to do a good job but am finding it difficult. I'm going to continue to try, but just thought you should know why I'm not performing at my usual levels."

Other then that, I have to ask, do you work out? I cannot begin to tell you how much better I feel after a good sweat. It could help you feel better on those days you don't go out and party.

:grouphug:

[Mlle. Zabzie]

Raidne - I lost 4 pregnancies in 15 months prior to the twins. Beyond being a hormonal and physical wreck, my marriage seemed like it was disintegrating (the hormonal load didn't help), and work was busier than it had ever been. I would be in my office at 10 PM sobbing because I didn't want to go home but I couldn't focus on work, and I would look at all the things I had to do and feel overwhelmed. On top of it, I was trying to come to terms with the various medical issues that had been discovered through the whole process, so I would spend hours trolling the internet trying to find more information (my doctor cut me off - it was liberating). So the point is, I couldn't concentrate on work. At all. It's a totally normal problem. I finally took a few vacation days and pulled my shit together. I did come clean to one of the senior partners that I work for. I wish I had done it sooner - I practically had to pass out in his office first. He had guessed that something was going on long before I told him. He was super helpful in helping me to prioritize and organize work and make it seem more manageable. I did assure him that I wanted to be here, and wanted to keep doing good work.

Also, don't feel like you have to "be strong" and "hold up." The couple days I took off allowed me to fully break down, which was one of the most helpful things I did - the first day I took off, I allowed myself to indulge in being miserable. After that, I was able to stop feeling sorry for myself and move forward.

:grouphug: You'll be ok. Make lists. Turn problems into bite sized pieces. Spend time on yourself. Let me know if I can help.

[Guest Raidne]

I have to tell you, I'm sitting here trying to work up the courage to go talk to my Judge and it's not really happening.

[Papirolle]

Give it time. Really, it gets better eventually. Your problems at work are only natural and to be expected at a time like this. If it is possible to take a vacation, do that. Get away for a while. Otherwise give it time.

Perhaps learning meditation can help with your concentration?

[Nichole]

I have to tell you, I'm sitting here trying to work up the courage to go talk to my Judge and it's not really happening.

Just go do it before you can talk yourself out of it.

[Mlle. Zabzie]

I have to tell you, I'm sitting here trying to work up the courage to go talk to my Judge and it's not really happening.

She probably knows something is up. Maybe try catching her at the end of the day for a couple of minutes?

[Guest Raidne]

I mean, technically, I'm "green" in terms of case count through the second week of July. I'm taking a short vacation the weekend prior.

Not doing anything util then, though, seems like, you know, NOT the right solution to me.

I may give myself the rest of this week though and at least get through my move? Is that reasonable? Can I really do next to nothing?

[Colder Hands]

since you yourself may be a judge one day, i say keep this to yourself unless your judge asks. at which time you say only that your divorce/separation has been time demanding and you'll be back to normal work flow soon.

seems to me like judges are expected to come in and do their jobs and not let their personal lives distract them, so no sense admitting you have been distracted.

it's perfectly normal. even when i split from my 4 and a 1/2 year relationship (my longest of my life at the time) i was completely worthless at work and could not focus on anything. even though i was the one who ended it, still was a lot of life changing going on.

just keep plugging away and do your best to get shit done while at work. you are mentally strong enough to snap out of it and focus on work, will yourself to it. think about how important todays actions could be to your future and get your head in the game. and any other sports rah rah cliche you want to throw in.

i was doing rights and permissions at the time and it required a hell of a lot of reading before i could grant permission or not, not as important as cases but still required detailed reading and focus. i can't for the life of me remember anything from that first 2 weeks at work and i basically said F it and walked from that job in another 2 weeks. learn from me and zero in and hammer out some cases.

u got this!

[Tormund Ukrainesbane]

Go to the gym, beat the shit out of a heavy bag until your arms are jello. It works for me. I put on some music with an aggressive beat, my brain shuts off and I just let my body take over for an hour or so. It doesn't fix anything but it helps me focus when it's time to focus and is better in the long run than drinking.

Alternatively, set aside some time in the day and give yourself permission to freak the fuck out. Maybe it's an hour a day, maybe it's 30 minutes every three hours, but let yourself be panicked and terrified and disgusted and irritable and all the things you are refusing to let yourself be because you don't want it interfering with your life.

[mouse]

Raidne, I guess I post too sporadically, because I was really shocked to read this, and I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. I have no real-life advice for dealing.

My work advice, though, is different, so take it or leave it. I would NOT tell your judge that you will continue to be going through a rough time and so your work may continue to suffer. I would say something more along the lines of: "Judge, you may have noticed that my work load slowed down a bit. I wanted to tell you why that was. [Explanation.] But I wanted to reassure you that I am taking care of everything and making work my priority, so you will see my work return to its usual efficient state." Then, if the judge is sympathetic, (s)he'll tell you not to worry about it, but if not, you've covered all bases.

[Guest Raidne]

My work advice, though, is different, so take it or leave it. I would NOT tell your judge that you will continue to be going through a rough time and so your work may continue to suffer. I would say something more along the lines of: "Judge, you may have noticed that my work load slowed down a bit. I wanted to tell you why that was. [Explanation.] But I wanted to reassure you that I am taking care of everything and making work my priority, so you will see my work return to its usual efficient state." Then, if the judge is sympathetic, (s)he'll tell you not to worry about it, but if not, you've covered all bases.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking of saying, and I really do think things will get better when I move out this weekend because I will be able to establish new routines and won't have to dread going home because I'm wondering if the other person there is going to be nice or freak out on me and tell me how I'm ruining their life (which is totally normal, IMO, and I still think the soon-to-be-former Mr. Raids is an awesome guy).

[Nichole]

I'm not your boss, but I think it is fine if you don't really do anything for the rest of the week. But, like I said, I'm not your boss.

I can't imagine the stress of having to come home to that situation. I really hope you feel better once you are in your own place.

[Guest Raidne]

Thanks Chats and Nic, I think I will too. That's the other thing I'm nervous about - that I'll sell this idea that I'll do better very soon and then what if I don't? I guess that's not any worse than not expressing some kind of timeline for improvement.

I feel like I should mention, for the sake of any interested parties, that my Mom is being totally, totally awesome. Truly, as in perfect.

[Colder Hands]

i'm as supportive as they get, and when an employee came to me with bad situations i always gave them whatever they needed

that said, a piece of me always remembered and thought about them in terms of "if xyz ever happens they will cave at work and not function". partly because i had to think that way to protect my businesses and my own interest, but once you open that door it can't close back up.

better to leave it as an elephant in the room and just pick up your game asap to make up for it.

then in a month or two of kicking ass your boss won't even remember the crap week or two you had. but if you make it a thing, it stays a thing.