Goodkind XXII: Better than Newcomb and Stanek

[Jerec]

I reckon the title should've been something like "The Magical Sword of Important Human Themes" and the books named as follows :

1 - People are Stupid

2 - Aes Sedai, huh? Good idea

3 - Children of the Light, huh? Good idea

4 - Spine-ripping action

5 - Democrasy is gang rape in action

6 - The Statue of Induced Tears

7 - Richard's Kid Sister and her Noble Goat

8 - Peaceful Protestors Choose Death

9 - Richard is Always Right

10 - Richard is Brilliant

11 - Kahlan Probably gets Almost-raped

[Myshkin]

I reckon the title should've been something like "The Magical Sword of Important Human Themes" and the books named as follows :

1 - People are Stupid

2 - Aes Sedai, huh? Good idea

3 - Children of the Light, huh? Good idea

4 - Spine-ripping action

5 - Democrasy is gang rape in action

6 - The Statue of Induced Tears

7 - Richard's Kid Sister and her Noble Goat

8 - Peaceful Protestors Choose Death

9 - Richard is Always Right

10 - Richard is Brilliant

11 - Kahlan Probably gets Almost-raped

Although I think books two and three should both be subtitled "Robert Jordan? Never heard of him."

[Mme Erzulie]

Hey, guys.

Just making a short visit from the other side.

This stuff is cracking me up. Word, you're the shit.

Jax, if you think this is the most insulting thing Terry's ever said, you have a lot to learn about the Raper of Logic. This is him in his best mood, in his best traveling pants and his best war wizard outfit (can he wear both at the same time?)

For Will's tairylib, I got this:

Dick and Klan are walking around in their travelling pants playing nookie. Suddenly a war breaks out. 4 members of the Imperial Order are preparing to attack them. Richard's thing rises and the soldiers eat each others testicles. Kahlan is kidnapped and almost-raped by Ayn Rand but is saved at the last moment by a convenient deus ex machina. While searching for his True Love, Richard finds a village full of people who Roll around in the mud.. Richard makes a speech that goes on for 14 pages and the villagers all abandon their individuality commie pinko ways to help him find Kahlan. Richard finds the evil villain who attacks him with sword. When it looks like the evil one is about to win the greater man rips out his spine, allowing for only a few more punches to land before the vegetarian instantly dies. Richard and Kahlan go off and give speeches and almost-rape each other while the war continues to be ignored. Next volume: the plow of lies: or how I learnt to hate charity.

[Dycedarg]

Jax, if you think this is the most insulting thing Terry's ever said, you have a lot to learn about the Raper of Logic. This is him in his best mood, in his best traveling pants and his best war wizard outfit (can he wear both at the same time?)

The Yeard is so celerious that he can not only wear both his best traveling pants and his best WW outfit at the same time, he can also wear his decorative armor over it (hardened plates made from the jawbones of little girls with the rough bits cushioned by the testicles of everyone who ever cut in front of him in line) and the agiel that is permanently lodged up his arse and turned on full blast under it (so now you know why he's always in such a bad mood).

[Jaxom 1974]

Jax, if you think this is the most insulting thing Terry's ever said, you have a lot to learn about the Raper of Logic. This is him in his best mood, in his best traveling pants and his best war wizard outfit (can he wear both at the same time?)

Mme,

I know that there are worse things he can/has said. But for some reaosn, the Kirkus blurb just rang a different bell. I mean, Kirkus is pretty respectable, but for them to not look at a quote like that and refuse to run it due to the sheer insulting natur of it? That's just wrong. I expect crap like that from his publisher, because they have to. But you'd think other places would have caught on by now. I think that's what is finally getting me to the snapping point.

[Mme Erzulie]

Wow. I don't think I've ever seen you display any kind of emotion before, Jax. Perhaps this is your way out of the shadow of ignorance.

[Jaxom 1974]

I am usually as cool as the other side of the pillow, aren't I?

Certain things just get to me. Blatant ignorance and willful obstinance are a couple of them. I just find the irresponsibility on the part of the Kirkus people to print such utter garbage without a second thought to be so grossly negligent.

While we, playfully, battle the forces of O'ist evil that is Terry Goodkind, it strikes me that so many in the publishing world can allow such ignornace and ego to run rampant. Hell, they had enough sense to listen when OJ wanted to publish his book, yet Goodkind is on the verge of publishing his 12th (or 11th, I forget which one it is).

[The Wolf Maid]

Mme,

I know that there are worse things he can/has said. But for some reaosn, the Kirkus blurb just rang a different bell. I mean, Kirkus is pretty respectable, but for them to not look at a quote like that and refuse to run it due to the sheer insulting natur of it? That's just wrong. I expect crap like that from his publisher, because they have to. But you'd think other places would have caught on by now. I think that's what is finally getting me to the snapping point.

Jaxom,

Perhaps Kirkus has a reason why they printed it: To provide more proof to the to the world what an utter douchebag TG is.

[Jaxom 1974]

Jaxom,

Perhaps Kirkus has a reason why they printed it: To provide more proof to the to the world what an utter douchebag TG is.

Yeah. Then they should man up and tell the world that in a disclaimer. Otherwise, they're condoning and that's just wrong.

[Myshkin]

Yeah. Then they should man up and tell the world that in a disclaimer. Otherwise, they're condoning and that's just wrong.

Yes, because condoning Tairy is just as morally wrong as being Tairy.

[Mad Monkey]

Yes, because condoning Tairy is just as morally wrong as being Tairy.

It's actually worse. Anyone who allows Terry Goodkind's words to leave his mouth or his pen (or his typewriter, or word processor) is even more culpable for the braincell destruction that they cause than Goodkind himself. If you quote his works for any reason, you deserve gang rape. If you work at a bookstore that sells SoT, you deserve to be kicked in the jaw. If you walk past a copy of one of his books and fail to reduce it to atoms then you deserve to have your spine ripped out and your ears collected to be stuffed in a jar full of asbestos.

This is Terry Goodkind's Law of Diminishing Returns. It is the world's one and only Truthiness.

[Jaxom 1974]

True 'dat. But I'm as serious as a punch from a body that's had it's spine ripped out on this one, guys.

[The Wolf Maid]

Yeah. Then they should man up and tell the world that in a disclaimer. Otherwise, they're condoning and that's just wrong.

I think Kirkus doesn't have to do that. I haven't seen the full article, but it looks like your typical Q & A to me, and it doesn't seem like they're opining that TG's the bomb or anything. Even utter douchebags must be heard, I suppose.

[Jaxom 1974]

I think Kirkus doesn't have to do that. I haven't seen the full article, but it looks like your typical Q & A to me, and it doesn't seem like they're opining that TG's the bomb or anything. Even utter douchebags must be heard, I suppose.

I simply find it abhorent that an outfit like Kirkus can condone such wanton ignorance. Maybe they don't have to print a disclaimer, but someone over there should be smart enough to know that running a quote like that is going to insult more readers than it'll help.

[The Real Will]

Yes, because condoning Tairy is just as morally wrong as being Tairy.

Seriously. I read this in the newspaper the other day. A backstreet pusher of hard fiction, name of Johnny Anders, sells a couple of baggies of TG to a motor mechanic from Wisconsin. This is the real TG, not the pansy ass crap they can sell in the stores, cut with a sprinkle of grey and some baking soda; this stuff is monochrome, completely boiled of relativity or subjective judgment. The National Fiction Authority (NFA) deemed this stuff not safe for general consumption and so Mr. Goodkind has to write it out longhand and ship it out the back door. What I'm saying is, this stuff is pure; if you lick the pages, you can taste celery. So, the mechanic takes a small soliloquy - no more than eighteen pages - and a couple of paragraphs of almost-rape, you know, just to get him home. He doesn't have any cash on him, but he's got a nice watch and our Johnny is an accommodating guy.

You can imagine the rest already. The watch turns out the be a fake and the pusher is not best pleased. He finds the mechanic at his home. The mechanic has a little daughter and she's reading TG out to her father. He's almost comatosed, lying on a shitty mattress in the corner. You really shouldn't do more than a page or two in twenty four hours - I mean, Betty the Goat gets raped in one of these things - most people break down after five or six and this guy has been going at least eight pages here. He's a wreck. Even the daughter is starting to show some of the signs. A cop would have had her off the street and into a holding-cell in about two seconds flat. When you work with these people every day, it's not long before you can recognise the hazy gleam of moral rectitude which glazes the eyes after only two or three paragraphs.

Anyway, Johnny Anders finds them there, like that, and he's cold. The girl, you can tell right away that she knows what is going on. It's not the first time. Despite her pleading he doesn't kick her in the jaw, and when the mechanic rouses himself enough to demand his spine be ripped from his body, Johnny refuses him. Instead, he gives the girl a puppy, tells the mechanic that he pities him and leaves. He pays the mechanics rent on the way out.

I'm telling you man, these guys are ruthless. The junkies are bad, the dealers are worse, and sick fuck sitting at home pumping this junk onto the street is the Chicken himself. But you know, I think these people really pale in comparison to you lot. Because you accept it, don't you. You condone it, with your bleeding hearts and your Newcomb clinics - as though what these people need is a half step down to some cheap synthetic rip off which will only fuck them up in more subtle ways.

Shame on you all. Don't do fiction, guys. Just say no!

[Mad Monkey]

Oh my God, that was fantastic.

[Moosicus]

Holy Shit Will, that completely made my weekend.

Props also to WLU for another fantastic rant. Celerific!

Jaxom, I think it's obvious that Tairy's got a man on the inside at Cirkus reviews. Some kind of objectivist sleeper cell that's infiltrated it and is slipping Tairy crap past the editors. They must be warned.

[potsherds]

Seriously. I read this in the newspaper the other day. A backstreet pusher of hard fiction, name of Johnny Anders, sells a couple of baggies of TG to a motor mechanic from Wisconsin. This is the real TG, not the pansy ass crap they can sell in the stores, cut with a sprinkle of grey and some baking soda; this stuff is monochrome, completely boiled of relativity or subjective judgment. The National Fiction Authority (NFA) deemed this stuff not safe for general consumption and so Mr. Goodkind has to write it out longhand and ship it out the back door. What I'm saying is, this stuff is pure; if you lick the pages, you can taste celery. So, the mechanic takes a small soliloquy - no more than eighteen pages - and a couple of paragraphs of almost-rape, you know, just to get him home. He doesn't have any cash on him, but he's got a nice watch and our Johnny is an accommodating guy.

You can imagine the rest already. The watch turns out the be a fake and the pusher is not best pleased. He finds the mechanic at his home. The mechanic has a little daughter and she's reading TG out to her father. He's almost comatosed, lying on a shitty mattress in the corner. You really shouldn't do more than a page or two in twenty four hours - I mean, Betty the Goat gets raped in one of these things - most people break down after five or six and this guy has been going at least eight pages here. He's a wreck. Even the daughter is starting to show some of the signs. A cop would have had her off the street and into a holding-cell in about two seconds flat. When you work with these people every day, it's not long before you can recognise the hazy gleam of moral rectitude which glazes the eyes after only two or three paragraphs.

Anyway, Johnny Anders finds them there, like that, and he's cold. The girl, you can tell right away that she knows what is going on. It's not the first time. Despite her pleading he doesn't kick her in the jaw, and when the mechanic rouses himself enough to demand his spine be ripped from his body, Johnny refuses him. Instead, he gives the girl a puppy, tells the mechanic that he pities him and leaves. He pays the mechanics rent on the way out.

I'm telling you man, these guys are ruthless. The junkies are bad, the dealers are worse, and sick fuck sitting at home pumping this junk onto the street is the Chicken himself. But you know, I think these people really pale in comparison to you lot. Because you accept it, don't you. You condone it, with your bleeding hearts and your Newcomb clinics - as though what these people need is a half step down to some cheap synthetic rip off which will only fuck them up in more subtle ways.

Shame on you all. Don't do fiction, guys. Just say no!

Oh my gods. That was brilliant, Will. Stupendous. Wow. I wish my AIM profile could fit that entire post. What a good metaphor for Tairy's filth!

Cheers!

[potsherds]

I've got a friend who can't remember the scene where Richard murders a group of unarmed protestors. And of course, the validity of my entire argument that TG's obscene validation of atrocious acts based simply on the idea that 'Richard is good, therefore anything he does is RIGHT' is a terrible and dangerous way of thinking, rests upon whether or not he can recall this scene. *sigh* So...what book, and if anyone has the mmpb, what page is this on?

[Mad Monkey]

I am appalled. Look at the reader's list, specifically the first three.