Dycedarg Posted August 11, 2007 Share Posted August 11, 2007 While none can doubt the celerity of WLU, it must be pointed out that he has chosen death by not including my old title suggestion 'Putting The Lie To Our Purpose'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Pita Posted August 11, 2007 Share Posted August 11, 2007 As my new title, I want this one. Keeper of the Common Sense I am the only life chooser among us, and as such, my only possible way to show it is to chose death by taking the lowest place. Also, my common sense is lacking so I need to keep the sense of others. WLU is the most celerious of us all, but Myshkin Is My God, anyway. I know, again choosing death... something is wrong with me... I have to go kick a little girl in the jaw, and have my thing rise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WLU Posted August 11, 2007 Share Posted August 11, 2007 Two yeards in one place? How did the world survive? One of them must have been a toupe-yeard. Two true yeards would be forced to fight to the death. 'Tis their nature. While none can doubt the celerity of WLU, it must be pointed out that he has chosen death by not including my old title suggestion 'Putting The Lie To Our Purpose'. Um, number 29? Sheesh, read the whole list... As my new title, I want this one. Keeper of the Common Sense I am the only life chooser among us, and as such, my only possible way to show it is to chose death by taking the lowest place. Also, my common sense is lacking so I need to keep the sense of others. You realize, as the lowest title in the Church of the Yeard, it would be your responsibility to do the drudge work - wiping down the electric butt-plugs of pain, recharging the yeardly batteries, sharpening the barbs on the namble cocks and proofreading the books of Truth. That's a world of pain guy, a world of it. Though I can't argue with your logic, it's as impenetrable as any yeardite. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Pita Posted August 11, 2007 Share Posted August 11, 2007 ... I have to wipe down the butt-plugs? But I have celery! I kicked an 8 year old in the jaw today! Excuses are choosing death. Not-So-Ninja edits that make me look brilliunt are choosing life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaxom 1974 Posted August 11, 2007 Share Posted August 11, 2007 One of them must have been a toupe-yeard. Two true yeards would be forced to fight to the death. 'Tis their nature. We'll see. I'm off to the Wisconsin State Fair today. Land of milk and honey. Mullets and yeards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
word Posted August 11, 2007 Share Posted August 11, 2007 Um, number 29? Sheesh, read the whole list... You got served, you motherfuckin commie. We'll see. I'm off to the Wisconsin State Fair today. Land of milk and honey. Mullets and yeards. Take pictures of the yeards and email them to Tairy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Pita Posted August 11, 2007 Share Posted August 11, 2007 Or post them here... Feeding the Yeard should be expanded... I think we shouldn't be allowed to give him anything but little girl jaws... shattered of course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Wolf Maid Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 I'll be around for a few more hours - at least I have that warm my heart and keep me going. Take care, RT. Keep th Lemming spirit alive! Feel free to be disturbed by both. And have you seen your avatar? Coconuts is the closest my ego can let me get to avoid being reduced to a slobbering semen machine. ... OK, that sicked even me out. Sorry, since Wolf Maid changed back to her old avatar, I'm all out of ointment. I'm down to rancid lard. :sick: I thought the holy trinity was Goodkind, Newcomb, and Stanek...you learn new things every day I guess. Thanks for the list, WLU. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sio Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 All right, I have decided. Tomorrow I shall borrow Stone of Tears from the library and get the brain bleach ready. The local library doesn't have Wizard's First rule - I'm not yet sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Wolf Maid Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 All right, I have decided. Tomorrow I shall borrow Stone of Tears from the library and get the brain bleach ready. The local library doesn't have Wizard's First rule - I'm not yet sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. If you mean absinthe and tequila or vodka when you say 'brain bleach', by all means you're ready. oh, don't forget the bucket, too. And maybe some KFC chicken? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sio Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 If you mean absinthe and tequila or vodka when you say 'brain bleach', by all means you're ready. oh, don't forget the bucket, too. And maybe some KFC chicken? *Takes notes* Okay, vodka, chicken and bucket. Got it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaxom 1974 Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 They don't have it because they don't have it or because someone's actualy checked it out??? As to the "Yeards of Wisconsin", I have to report, despite the tens of thousands of people there, I was too distracted by the noble goats in the goat pavillion and the evil that was not evil in the chicken pavillion (so many different kinds...) that I saw but one yeard of notice. I have to call this one, "The Fancy Yeard". Why? Well, it was a full on pony tail, but the beard was well groomed and manicured into a point. A point! But the dude lost points because he was balding on top. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myshkin Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 They don't have it because they don't have it or because someone's actualy checked it out??? As to the "Yeards of Wisconsin", I have to report, despite the tens of thousands of people there, I was too distracted by the noble goats in the goat pavillion and the evil that was not evil in the chicken pavillion (so many different kinds...) that I saw but one yeard of notice. I have to call this one, "The Fancy Yeard". Why? Well, it was a full on pony tail, but the beard was well groomed and manicured into a point. A point! But the dude lost points because he was balding on top. Receding hairline or bald spot? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaxom 1974 Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 Receding hairline or bald spot? Bald spot on top. Seen from the front, you probably wouldn't notice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sio Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 They don't have it because they don't have it or because someone's actualy checked it out??? They don't have it. Funnily enough, none of the library's Terry Goodkind books seem to spend much time outside the library... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Pita Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 But WFR is readable! And semi-decent! And you get to read about things rising and roundhouse kicks to the jaw! Umm... What was my point? Oh yes. Post count. Very important. Anyway, we should start voting for next title. I say a HP related one before the hype walks away from us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myshkin Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 The wait is finally over. Over the last few days I've been bombarded by correspondence asking about my "Unfinished Opus". Well I am proud to announce that my epic and brilliant masterpiece is now complete. I would like to thank all of you for sticking with me through all the ups and downs of the creative process, and I would specially like to thank Un-Yearded Pita for calling me a God; I deserve it. Now, here it is, the final chapter of the greatest parody ever told: Red Yeards Under Red Gars A Myshkin Joint Part 2 Safely back in their rooms at the Aynrand inn, Kahlan and Dick relaxed their guard. “The top level of the Penispire,†Kahlan breathed, “We’ve done it, Dick. We’ve really done it.†“Of course we did, sweet tits, of course we did,†said Dick, “Now we can finally take the final step in our plan.†“What plan?†asked Kahlan, slightly confused. “You know, the plan,†returned Dick. “I wasn’t aware that we had a plan,†whined Kahlan. “Of course we have a plan! I mean, we wouldn’t be here if we didn’t. Would we?†cried Dick. “Well, what is it then?†asked Kahlan. “Um…. well we we're gonna infiltrate the top level of the Penispire, and then…….†“You don’t really have a plan, do you?†challenged Kahlan. “You were the one who was supposed to remember the plan,†exploded Dick, “I should beat you to death with your own spine for forgetting it!†“I’m sorry, Dick,†Kahlan wailed, “It’s only that this is the first time I’ve ever heard any mention of a plan.†“Shut up!†roared Dick, “I need to think.†Dick paced aggressively around the room, furiously trying to make his brain work. He glanced over at were Kahlan huddled, weeping in the corner. The sight of her boobs heaving rhythmically in time with her sobs instantly made his thing rise. In a good way. “I’m sorry, boobface,†he cooed, “It’s alright, don’t cry. With my mighty intellect I’ll just come up with a new plan. Now let’s get you out of those wet clothes†“But my close aren’t wet,†said Kahlan, once again slightly confused. “Shut up and take your clothes off,†screamed Dick. This part is too naughty for general audiences. If you want the hardcore stuff you’ll have to send me a money order. Dick woke up the next morning with a giant, throbbing, painful hangover. He muttered a spell and the hangover was instantly gone. He was a war wizard, after all. He looked down at the bed where Kahlan lay, completely wrecked. He’d given her a good twenty or thirty seconds that she would never forget. But Dick decided not to linger on thoughts of his sexual prowess; he had work to do. Using all of his brainpower Dick tried and tried to think of a new plan. Finally, after three intense hours of thinking he had an idea. “I know,†he shouted, “I’ll go see the old hobo, Zedd. He’ll know what to do!†Dick walked down the main path of the Hobo Quadrant. This was the area of Tal Verrar where all the idiotic, shitty, and generally useless characters lived. Zedd’s house occupied the heart of this quadrant. As Dick approached Zedd’s house he noticed that the door was closed. Thing rising at the rudeness of this, he kicked the door in. “Bags and double bags!†cried Zedd, “Oh, it’s you Dick. You scared the bags out of me.†“You shouldn’t have insulted me by having your door closed when I wanted to enter!†yelled Dick. “But how was I supposed to know you were coming? You could’ve knocked.†“Shut up old man!†screamed Dick, “I need something from you.†“Ok Dick, anything†whimpered Zedd, “Just please don’t beat me!†“I need a plan, old man,†said Dick, inordinately happy that his sentence almost rhymed. “A plan, a plan, hmmm,†pondered Zedd, “This is far beyond my capabilities, Dick. I’ll have to take you to Betty. Perhaps she can unravel this conundrum.†“I’m not sure what you just said with all those fancy words, old man, but if this Betty person can give me a new plan then lead the way.†“Oh, Betty’s not a person,†Zedd said cryptically as he lead Dick out the door. Around the side of Zedd’s shitty little shack stood a small enclosure. Inside this enclosure stood a goat. A magnificent goat. A noble goat. “Ah, a goat. Brilliant, old man.†Dick eyed the goat. The goat eyed Dick. He decided to lay it all out on the line, “Goat, I need a plan.†“Baaaaah†said Betty. “The Penispire†said Dick. “Baak-bak-baak†“I’m not all that sure, really.†“Moo.†“That’s brilliant.†“Oink oink.†“No, thank you.†Dick was a tall man, taller than most men (though not taller than some), but when he bent down to pat Betty’s head in thanks Zedd noticed something he’d never seen before: Dick had a bald spot on the crown of his head. Perhaps Dick wasn’t as celerious as everybody thought. (See what I did there, Jax?) “What the hell are you looking at, old man†cried Dick “N-n-nothing Dick, I swear!†Zedd stammered. But Dick knew better; knew that Zedd had uncovered his darkest secret. And for that he would have to die. “It’s okay Zedd, I know you weren’t looking at anything. Now let’s go back to your house.†As Zedd turned to lead Dick back to the house, Dick seized his opportunity. With the reflexes of a puma, or possibly a cougar, maybe even a mountain lion, Dick muttered a spell and blasted a melon sized hole through Zedd’s back. As he looked down at the blasted corpse Dick pondered his good fortune: he had met a noble goat, he had formed a new plan, and he had killed an old man. A pretty sweet day, all in all. As they waked up the steps and into the Penispire Dick eyed Kahlan’s boobies; they were particularly luscious tonight. “Good evening Master Rahl, Mistress Amnell,†said the doorman, “I hope you enjoy yourselves tonight.†“Oh, we will,†said Dick sinisterly, “We will.†“Um, okay†said the doorman, a bit confused. As soon as they entered the Penispire Kahlan and Dick made directly for the stairs leading to the upper levels. There would be no gambling tonight. No, tonight they would fulfill their destiny. Up and up they went, past countless levels of debauchery, until they finally came to the second highest floor; one floor below Jagang’s personal office/rape room. But here their progress was halted by Nicci, the confusingly disfigured majordomo. “I can’t let you pass,†purred Nicci, “You see, I know you have some sort of plan, and I can’t let you put it to action.†Dick was dismayed. Normally he would have simply slaughtered Nicci and marched over her dead corpse to reach his objective, but the sight of her left boob grossed him out too much. Then suddenly he remembered a spell. A spell that had never even been hinted at in this story, or any of the ones preceding it. A spell that would conveniently win Nicci over to his side. Swallowing his bile, trying hard not to puke, Dick placed his hand on Nicci’s gross, floppy boob. He muttered a few simple words and lifted his hand away. He looked down in amazement; where previously there had been a gross, scared up booby, now stood a perfectly molded funbag. Nicci fell to the floor, crying, not believing her great good fortune. This man, this god of a man, had re-beautified her ruined booby. She looked up at Dick and saw him as if for the first time; standing there looking like a statue of himself: erect, masculine, masterful. “You healed me,†she cried, “For so long I have be so confused, but now that you have rejuvenated my left boob the confusion has lifted. Now I see clearly that Jagang must be confronted. Come I shall lead you to his office.†Nicci led the way up the stairs with Kahlan and Dick close behind. At the top she opened the door and all three marched into the room beyond. Jagang, managing general partner of the Penispire, looked up from behind his desk as the trio entered. “Ah,†he said, “Dick Rahl and his woman whatshername. I can’t say that I’m surprised to see you. And I see that you’ve managed to turn my majordomo, a cunning ploy.†“No more talk Jagang,†Dick cried, “It’s time I put my plan into action!†“And what plan would that be?†Jagang asked calmly. Belatedly Dick realized that Betty had not given him a plan at all; she had just made a series of goat sounds. Come to think of it, not all of those sounds even belonged to a goat. But this was a mystery he would have to puzzle out later; right now he had a bigger problem. He decided to do what he always did in these types of situations: kill someone! “I may not have had I plan when a came up here,†he said to Jagang, “But now I plan to kill you.†“Ah, I thought it might come to this,†said Jagang knowingly. “I hate to disappoint you, Dick, but I know your dirty little secret. That’s right,†he laughed triumphantly, “I know that you have a bald spot, rendering your yeard incomplete! Without a full yeard you do not have the power to defeat me!†For the second time in less than an hour Dick was dismayed. Jagang was right: he could not win this one. He could not believe it. He thought about all the children he had yet to kick; all the boobies he had yet to see; all the tragedy of an unfinished life. Then he thought about something else. “You're right, Jagang†he said, “I cannot defeat you. But you forgot about one thing.†“What’s that?†Jagang inquired. “You forgot that I’m the Main Character, and therefore can never lose!†And with that Dick put his smelly fingers to his mouth and whistled. From out of nowhere there came an angry bellow, “Graaaatch Luuuurg Richaaaarg!†And through the open window flew Gratch the Gar, like a god, perhaps even a god of the machine. “Oh, so that’s how gars fit into this,†said Kahlan who’d been wondering about this since she’d read the title. Gratch swooped over Jagang and grabbed him up in his raptor like claws. Jagang tried to blast the gar with his magic but nothing happened. Oh, did I forget to tell you that gars are immune to magic? Well, they are. Out through the window Gratch flew with a squirming Jagang in his talons. And just like that it was over.†“Well, that seems to have wrapped things up nicely,†said Nicci, “But I have just one question: Why did you guys want to get at Jagang in the first place?†Dick and Kahlan looked at each other, stupefied. “I….I don’t know†Dick finally admitted. Kahlan laughed, Nicci laughed, then all the guys started to laugh. ~Fin~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Wolf Maid Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 Brilliant, Myshkin. Now expect Scott Lynch to turn up at your doorstep and kick you in the jaw. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WLU Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 I have to wipe down the butt-plugs? You are the one who wants to be the Keeper of the Common Sense. Don't blame the messenger. We'll see. I'm off to the Wisconsin State Fair today. Land of milk and honey. Mullets and yeards. I lived in Kitchener, Ontario for a while. That's where mullets go to die. All right, I have decided. Tomorrow I shall borrow Stone of Tears from the library and get the brain bleach ready. The local library doesn't have Wizard's First rule - I'm not yet sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. No matter how hard we try, stuff like this happens. But the dude lost points because he was balding on top. Isn't Tairy losing hair on top, the fuck? From the front? The wait is finally over. Over the last few days I've been bombarded by correspondence asking about my "Unfinished Opus". Well I am proud to announce that my epic and brilliant masterpiece is now complete. I would like to thank all of you for sticking with me through all the ups and downs of the creative process, and I would specially like to thank Un-Yearded Pita for calling me a God; I deserve it. Now, here it is, the final chapter of the greatest parody ever told: Beautiful Mysh. You are indeed a Russian God. I'm adding the link to the compilation list for earlier, to expidite the addition to the blog of truth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
word Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 So yesterday I stopped by a bookstore in between seeing a movie and going to a bar to pick up Red Seas Under Red Skies, and they didn't have it. They had an entire fucking shelf for goodkind, but they didnt have RSURS....wtf? I went to the counter and asked the lady thinking they might be in stock, and shes like "Yeah we have a bunch in the warehouse but none in the store, thats wierd...". I was so pissed I thought about just taking all the goodkind books and throwing them in a trash can. Fecking ghey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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