Outrageous Lies About the Poster Above, V.16 - A Call to Liars Old and New

[KJR the PR of TaFW]

KOA is Paris Hilton's BFF, and convinced her not to associate with people like Pollo.

[honeyed chicken]

HC's life has lost all meaning since Paris Hilton refused to recognize him as her new BFF.

Paris Hilton? Being a good 'Murcan I prefer the Miami Hilton.

KJR likes to pretend there's a QueenJoffrey'sRevenge, but we all know that's a blow up doll, back lit to cast a woman's shadow on the curtains.

[honeyed chicken]

bump (no lie)

[Knight of Ashes]

HC takes pride in being the best belly dancer in his neighborhood (after his rivals disappeared under suspicious circumstances).

[honeyed chicken]

If you ever need someone to whip you up a batch of home made bubblegum, KoA is your man.

What?

You didn't know there was such a thing as home made bubblegum? It's the wave of the future. Get your autographed copy of Bubblegum In The Home by KoA now before they sell out!

[honeyed chicken]

Hello parrot!

[beautifulsouth0]

Pollo de Uruguay is working on his book, Taller Tales, which is, in fact, an anthology of stories plagiarized from the Outrageous Lies and TTTNE threads. This is the second in the series. His first book, Lying Liars and the Lies They Tell, was a bestseller and the publisher begged for a sequel. His advance for the second volume was absolutely obscene. How do I know? Darling, I'm his editor!

[honeyed chicken]

It lives!!!

Of course, BS0 is my editor. She "discovered" me. BS0 is not just my editor and the editor of a whole gang of "niche" writers, she is owner and publisher of the micro label, Watch What You Say Buster Books - usually shortened to Buster Books by her writers.

I said "discovered" because a third of BS0 time is spent beating the bushes looking for unusual talents to people her stable of writers. That's what brought her to this thread in the first place.

I hear she's putting the hard sell on HatM right now.

[beautifulsouth0]

The reason I'm leaning on HaTM so hard right now is that she's got the exclusive info and can tell the official story of Pollo de Uruguay's fall from grace. She was married to PdU through it all- his rise to fame, from late night newsanchor in the 1970's, to popular children's show host Happy Honeyed Chicken in the 1980's. After some drug problems he fell from grace in the 90's, but came back to household televisions around the world as the host of the unlikeliest popular game show Million Dollar Crap Shoot. Recent surfacing of a sex tape from 1987 involving PdU, a former Miss Venezuela and Mark Hamill has forced HATM's hand, and of course, it's divorce! Her tell all book would be a best seller, because she can answer the ultimate question- was PdU born female, and how has he fooled the public for all of these years?

[honeyed chicken]

The reason I'm leaning on HaTM so hard right now is that she's got the exclusive info and can tell the official story of Pollo de Uruguay's fall from grace. She was married to PdU through it all- his rise to fame, from late night newsanchor in the 1970's, to popular children's show host Happy Honied Chickens in the 1980's. After some drug problems he fell from grace in the 90's, but came back to household televisions around the world as the host of popular game show Million Dollar Crap Shoot. Recent surfacing of a sex tape from 1987 involving PdU, a former Miss Venezuela and Mark Hamill has forced HATM's hand, and of course, it's divorce! Her tell all book would be a best seller, because she can answer the ultimate question- was PdU born female, and how has he fooled the public for all of these years?

I've been told impersonating a man isn't all that hard: drink lots of beer, don't say much & grunt when spoken to.

You really have to admire persistence.

Sometimes.

There's a line, however, between persistence and foolishness. Somehow, BS0 got it into her head that Georgia needs a ski area and she has been trying to build one on Stone Mtn. for over a decade now.

There's a cheery little song about trying your best and good things will happen, "Once there was a silly old ram, thought he'd butt a hole in a dam . . . "

It's a lie: the dam always wins.

[beautifulsouth0]

Ah youth. Oh youth. I remember it fondly. Do you Pollo de Uruguay? We'd throw children into open manholes, then point and laugh at passing cab drivers. And we'd lay on our backs in the meadow, look up at the sky and argue whether or not clouds dream.

Where did it all go wrong? How did we fall apart, my PdU? Was it when I left you behind to follow my dream and tour the world performing Bulgarian folk dancing? But when I came back, you had filled our brownstone with hoarded collections of old electronics, rotting food and broken items rescued from the neighbors' trash cans. I think perhaps the breaking point was the fateful night when PdU farted out loud at the company dinner at Morton's. The humiliation, and the stench, was undeniable.

[Knight of Ashes]

BS0 is utterly convinced she has given birth to the Kwizats Haderach and that HC is it. So she dragged HC to the middle of the desert to call forth the spice worms, and insisted that he "will know they're ways as if it were his own", but all HC has done is dehydrate.

[HexMachina]

Knight of Ashes keeps the corpse of his pet rabbit Buttons in a jar of formaldihide on his bedside table. He likes to bring it down for the guests to see during dinner parties. He calls it his "talking piece"

[Knight of Ashes]

Helena was goaded at a party once to show how hardcore she is that she ate my preserved rabbit Buttons and washed him down with the jar of formaldehyde that was preserving him for the past two years.

And then, obviously oblivious to the shocked crowd, she patted her stomach and said "YUM!", which she followed up with a loud burp.

[honeyed chicken]

sorry, I forgot to hit the "quote" button, but I love this one from KoA: "BS0 is utterly convinced she has given birth to the Kwizats Haderach and that HC is it. So she dragged HC to the middle of the desert to call forth the spice worms, and insisted that he "will know they're ways as if it were his own", but all HC has done is dehydrate."

The week old stubble on my chin and neck was itching fit to drive me nuts. The old fan had finally given up the ghost in a shower of sparks and the heat was wringing sweat out of me in buckets. Ants were squabbling over cracker crumbs and bits of moldy cheese on my desk. The water in my glass looked and tasted foul.

Into this bleak scene stepped KoA with the slightest suggestion of a knock as he let himself in and sat down opposite me without a word.

I stared at him for a long moment, took in his immaculate suit and coiffure, the stetson parked on his head at an angle, shoes so polished and bright you could have used them for a shaving mirror. And not a hint of sweat. I always knew the guy was a freak.

"Where the F**K! have YOU been? Do you have any idea how dead it's been around here without you bringing in business?" Ballsy way to talk to your boss I suppose, but KoA is not your normal boss.

He smiled - a sneer almost. "You got your paycheck, so quit your bitching. I was doing what needed to be done."

BS0, aka Mrs.KoA, walked in as he was speaking. "Tell him, K. We've got no need to be secretive about it." Mrs.K - BS0 - was as down to earth in her style as K was flashy. I always thought it ironic he didn't have a babe for a wife - there were candidates aplenty - but there she was, polo shirt and jeans with sensible shoes and a brown leather jacket and geeky glasses.

"Ok", he said resignedly. Clearly, he had wanted to make me pull it out of him. He loves that kind of game. "we took Helena around to see some schools for the fall."

"That's it?! You abandoned me without any warning for a week to look at colleges?! You've got one of these haven't you?" I took my cellphone, tossed it in the air and caught it.

"oh that. You did leave a few messages iirc."

"A few?? Try 12! Man, I don't know how you're going to get this liars business off the ground if you don't take it seriously - there's only so much I can do."

He bravely picked a cracker off my desk, flicked off an ant and ate it. "Yes, and you've clearly been doing a great job at it!"

[Arya kiddin']

In a fit of gallantry, HC has signed up as a stand in date for the famous depressed feminist Helen Helgenzoa of Honolulu. We expect to see some loss of limbs.

[honeyed chicken]

In a fit of gallantry, HC has signed up as a stand in date for the famous depressed feminist Helen Helgenzoa of Honolulu. We expect to see some loss of limbs.

???

You never fail to amaze, sir AK. One heck of an imagination you have.

Ak has never fallen off a log, because Ak has ever been on a log. He's deathly afraid of both forests and trees and everything to do with them.

[HexMachina]

Honeyed Chicken has recently started a new group at his local Community Centre. The Appreciation of Pippa Middleton's Arse group meets twice a week and currently has over 100 members. Honeyed Chicken is the groups President, and is hoping to organise a group trip. Hopefully to see this arse they all adore.

[Arya kiddin']

Helena's arse apparently was not good enough to be a part of this merry band. She had to make do with some oranges and a tube fitted LED tutu.

[HexMachina]

On a related matter, Arya Kiddin' covets the position currently held by Pippa Middleton's arse. Consequently, he has been spotted in the gym every day for the past two months, working his legs and glutimus maximus. At work, he has been getting funny looks from his colleagues for.doing ass clenches at his desk, and when he sits down at night to watch the TV, on goes the Flab Buster 3000 to sculpt that flab into the ass of a Greek God.

Sadly, his arse is still not as adored as Pippa Middleton's, and Honeyed Chicken handed back the photographs offered up by Arya Kiddin' for the groups inspection.