theprincethatwasntpromised Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I know my partner now is not cool with it! All the women I've been with have been like that. It's like just the suggestion and they think that I want someone else more or them less. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karaddin Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Just another book I've come across as this thread got me interested in the subject, More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory only came out a couple of weeks ago so it might be helpful to read something with another couple of decades of perspective compared to The Ethical Slut. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theprincethatwasntpromised Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I just want to have a massive sex party and she's not down Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brook Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Well that is a wonderful addition to the thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karaddin Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Can't imagine why you have trouble making progress in the conversation with that approach. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theprincethatwasntpromised Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I've never said it like that, geez. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kungtotte Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Yeah, so those who say you get jealous? Seriously, I do not feel that. It's a totally foreign concept that I can get on a distant intellectual level, but I've never experienced myself. For me, sharing is caring. This is kind of what I meant before. It seems that either a lack of jealousy is needed for you to be open to a poly* relationship, or being comfortable with poly* relationships helps wash away any jealousy issues. It seems to go pretty hand in hand any way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xray the Enforcer Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 And it's not an insecurity issue either, I know she's getting her money's worth from me so that's not a problem. I know that English isn't your first language, so I am not gonna nitpick your post too much. But the fact that you focused solely on sex in your post about jealousy and insecurity is a big red flag to me. It ignores some very crucial aspects of long-term commitment and all of the issues associated with it. When I say that I have experienced relationship insecurities, I'm talking about my fears/concerns being a good long-term partner/friend/lover/confidante/bar-fight backup. The sex part (which is only one aspect of the "lover" part) is way down at the bottom of the list of concerns. I'm more worried that I have a glass jaw and would be terrible in a bar fight. ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xray the Enforcer Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 karaddin -- that book looks interesting. Thanks for the rec. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kungtotte Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I focused on sex because the current topic in the thread were various configurations of threesomes specifically, also to me insecurities are more related to the practical and physical side of relationships. That is, I get insecure about things that you do rather than things that you feel. For example, sex and bar fights are things I can get insecure about. Does my performance measure up, basically. But I get jealous about emotional things. If my girlfriend shared a romantic experience with someone else I would be jealous, not insecure. Sometimes you can be both jealous and insecure at the same time; jealous because your partner is sharing something with someone else, and insecure that if you tried to share the same thing that it wouldn't be as good. It might seem like a blurry line but to me the distinction is pretty clear. And like I said, I am more jealous than insecure. I don't want my girlfriend sharing the same emotional experiences she has with me with someone else. Also I am not equating non-monogamy with sex, but isn't it fairly implied that there is romance and/or sex in a non-monogamous relationship? Otherwise aren't you just kind of... friends? ETAI'm sure you'd be fine in a bar fight, X-Ray. You're pretty scrappy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xray the Enforcer Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I'd say that non-monogamy, at its core, is about intimacy. Sex is one type of intimacy, but there are others. For some couples, one partner having an involved non-physical relationship with a third person is enough outside intimacy that the primary pair has to negotiate how to deal with that. (Known a number of relationships to implode due to that, in fact.) ETA: :lol:Hopefully we will never have to find out. Although I did accidentally stab myself in the leg once (dead sober), and didn't really notice until I saw the pooling blood on the ground. So, maybe I can hold my own in a brawl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kungtotte Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I guess intimacy is more what I mean when I say romance, and now that I think about it it's a much better word for it (pulling the language barrier card here). I am jealous of situations where my girlfriend shares intimacy with others, and I am insecure of my own performance in practical matters. So for example if my girlfriend cuddled up next to someone else on a moon-lit beach I would be very jealous because of the intimacy, but I wouldn't be insecure because I am fairly confident that I am just as cuddly on a moon-lit beach as this theoretical someone. If they had sex on that beach I would be both jealous and insecure; jealous over the shared intimacy and insecure over measuring up sexually. If they got into a bar fight I wouldn't be jealous at all because it's not about intimacy, but I would probably be insecure about measuring up in the same situation. Would you say that for people who (successfully) have non-monogamous relationships, they do not experience jealousy of shared intimacy at all or to the same degree as those who aren't able to have non-monogamous relationships? Or maybe it's better to say that jealousy is the feeling you get when you aren't able to share intimacy outside of your relationship? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brook Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I think for me where I see a difference it's that when I am insecure that is something that is centred on me. I am having this problem and it is my problem to deal with, not the fault of my partner. If I ask them to do/not do something to help me with it the understanding is still there that this isn't something they are doing wrong.Jealousy on the other hand to me carries an implication of fault. It's 'you are making me jealous and you shouldn't do that'.I get insecure at times, I'm working as best I can to minimise that, jealousy is not something that is a problem for me and its something I find very hard to deal with in others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glaurung Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I have been fantastically lucky to have been in no fewer than three MFM threesomes. Dudes were totally straight, so *I* got all the attention. It's more about sharing than the sausage-fest that male gaze porn would have you believe. I've never been double penetrated, and only once was there me giving them both pleasure at one time. One set of mine were Canadian tourist guys stuck in a bad snowstorm :) Best friends...I suppose they didn't want to get separated... And, yeah, it does take four times as long!!! Yeah, my wife says she has fantasies about MFM threesomes, but when it comes to watching porn she would prefer to watch a FMF threesome because MFM are portrayed so poorly in porn. I would have to agree, it doesn't look fun the way they do it. I'm glad you got to experience it. I'm not sure I could take part in something like that though. My buddy once put his gf on the phone and she asked me to come over for a MFM experience and I politely declined. Maybe I could have done it if it had been somebody other than him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kungtotte Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I'm beginning to wonder if we aren't all just using different interpretations of the word jealousy. If you are in a relationship and one of your partners shares too much intimacy outside of the established relationship parameters, what do you feel? To me that feeling is jealousy. The feeling that your partner was too intimate with someone else. In a monogamous relationship there are only two partners and the level of intimacy that you're "allowed" to share outside of the relationship is very low. In a non-monogamous relationship there are more partners and it allows for more intimacy to be shared, but from this thread I think it's pretty clear that non-monogamy doesn't mean you're free to share however much intimacy you want with whomever you want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yagathai Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Well no, obviously not. I suppose it also depends on your definition of "intimacy". Personally I'm fine with my romantic partner having other sexual partners, but I'm not down with her having other romantic partners because I don't see sex as particularly "intimate", even though obviously by any dictionary definition of the word, it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kungtotte Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Right, but that's one of those non-monogamous parameters I was referring to. Since there are too many variables and combinations of rules I didn't want to put up any specific examples. So for you if your partner(s) had a romantic dinner with someone else, you would be jealous, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yagathai Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I don't know if "jealous" is the right word, personally. I would see it as a violation of trust. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily Valley Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 ETA: :lol: Hopefully we will never have to find out. Although I did accidentally stab myself in the leg once (dead sober), and didn't really notice until I saw the pooling blood on the ground. So, maybe I can hold my own in a brawl. Were you reading Bakker? Kungotte, I'm not immune to jealousy or insecurity. The former I beat with a stick and stuff it back into a cage while I try to figure out what the real issue is. Sometimes it takes a couple of days to sort out. When it's the latter I usually just ask for reassurance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xray the Enforcer Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 Were you reading Bakker? Nope. Just being a garden-variety idiot on 32nd street in Manhattan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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