My friend is gay and ashemd. How do I help?

[Pebble thats Stubby]

I have a friend I want to help and I'm not sure how to help.  Please do not talk about this on FB, its a sensitive issue, I don't want my friends or family reading this and working out who.

 

My friend, lets call him Joe.  Joe has always had metal health issues, suffers from depression and anxiety and really does not like being around more than a couple of people.

Joe has recently come out as being Gay.  Joe is ashamed to be gay and hates that he is.  He knows that its nothing to be ashamed of and very normal but he doesn't believe it when applied to himself.  Joe says that he feels sex with men is disgusting and vile and something he can never do, but he can't help being attracted to them, this causes Joe distress.  Joe has no problem with other gay people having sex with each other, more power to them.  I want to help Joe be happy with who he is and not ashamed.

A little more on Joe.

Joe has a Dad.  Joe's Dad is a narcissistic mentally abusive b@stard, and an embodiment of toxic masculinity.  Joe had a Mum,  Joe's Mum was a wonderful supportive lady who was afraid to leave Joe's Dad.  Joe's Mum died a couple of years ago.  Joe and his Mum was living with Joe's Dad when she died.  they had been planning to leave and move out.  they had been planning this for several years but never made the final push despite all the help offered by family members and friends.  Joe's Mum was afraid Joe's Dad would turn up on family door steps with a gun.  Joe's Dad loves guns, we think he only has air-riffles, but we know he could easily get his hands of something a bit more powerful.  Joe moved out the day his Mum died and spent time on peoples sofa's.   Joe now lives in a caravan on a friends property.  He lives there rent free.  Joe will not accept help with his housing issues.  Joe's friend keeps an eye on him and make sure he has heat, food and is taking his meds.

Joe has a sister, lets call her Sally.  Sally has lots of confidence issues and anxiety.  Sally has always been Joe's biggest support after their Mum.  Sally was diagonesed with breast cancer a couple of years ago.  their Dad was supportive of Sally at the start and she did stay with his during chemo weeks at the beginning.  But then Sally's treatment was taking up too much time and he resented all the times Sally had to go to the hospital.  Sally's breast cancer is in remission.  Last week Sally was diagnosed with Cancer in the hip.  this inoperable and she has been told she has between 5 and 10 years with treatment.  Sally has not yet told Joe about her cancer,  he took it badly last time and that was when she was expected to recover.  Sally knows she has to tell Joe before he finds out from someone else.

So I want to help Joe, and I don't know how.  No he will not go to a counsellor.

[Ormond]

Keep encouraging him to go to a counsellor. Even if he says he won't now, he may be ready to eventually.  His self-hatred may be focused on the idea of having sexual contact right now, but it's probably just the path his depression and anxiety are taking at this particular moment. He probably needs to have his meds re-evaluated (assuming the meds he is taking are for his mental health issues.)

Assure him you will there and support him no matter what. 

Keep telling him you want him to be happy and not ashamed.

However, realize that he probably should NOT have sex if it makes him feel "disgusting and vile." There are plenty of people who live fulfilling lives as celibate persons. It is possible that part of his problem might be that he assumes that being gay means he has to lead a lifestyle of frequent sex with multiple partners. If that is the case, he needs to be reassured that isn't true and many gay men don't want to lead such a life and have fulfilling self-accepting lives in committed monogamy or as single persons with sexually conservative lifestyles. 

You can make sure he knows about any GLBT supportive organizations that exist in your community and encourage him to make friends with other gay men, whether or not he ever has sex. If you know other gay men who you trust to not make a pass at him when he is vulnerable, introduce them to him.

There really isn't much else you can do except continue your role as a supportive friend.

[ljkeane]

I don’t have anything in the way of constructive advice Pebble but good luck.

[The Last Storm]

On 10/28/2018 at 9:11 AM, Pebble said:

I have a friend I want to help 

Im sure the LBGT community here could give you some decent advice. The fact that your going this far to get help for him is admirable. Hope it works out.

[Xray the Enforcer]

Joe needs to get a therapist - this is well beyond the ability for any of us to fix.

[Crazydog7]

I was 31 before I came out and speaking for myself even when life completely sucks now I would rather have gone through the complex emotional process and be alive then be what I was before closeted and miserable. 

 

I don’t want to make this thread about myself but as far as hating yourself for homosexual impulses while it may seem cowardly on the surface gay people (men and women) grew up in the same world everyone else did where being gay was (at best) a source of humor something to laugh at. 

 

I’m of two minds about this yes he sounds like he needs mental health support of some kind but if he isn’t interested in moving to help himself there isn’t a lot you can do.  I’m sorry his dad is such a toxic jackass because that seems to be the cause of much of this based on your short description.