Goodkind XIX: Making spaghetti bounce since 1994!

[WLU]

I'll wait for the SoT action figures. There should be a talking Richard doll, where you pull the string in his back and it comes out twenty feet and lets him talk for an hour.

Awesome Moose, awesome. AHtMM (All Hail the Mad Moose). 0.73% more awesome than the suggestion of Christopher Lloyd as Zedd. Although what about John Lithgow? That's got more camp. Myshkin's suggestion of David Bowie was also the height of awesome. Though you were off in your suggestion on who should play Richard - remember, he must be taller than most men, though not so tall as a quad member. Perhaps he could sit on Chuck Norris' shoulders.

The discussion of a WoT/SoT crossover is making my kidneys hurt. Why do you people do this to me? The only good thing that could come about of it would be the balefiring of Darken Rahl far back enough to prevent RR from being conceived.

One of the reasons people get so technically absorbed in the magic in my books is because (as I’ve said in the section on my philosophy — please go back and read it if you haven’t) I use magic very differently than most other authors. The magic in my books is treated as an existent — a thing that exists. Things that exist have their own identity and therefore behave according to the laws of that identity. That’s the way I make magic in my books behave — by the laws of its own identity. I treat it almost as a mathematical equation. People don’t close their eyes and grunt and wish to make it work, but rather they must discover the natural laws by which it functions, just as they must learn how to make a bow and arrow. Because of this, because magic is handled as an existent, the magic in my books has a very realistic feel to it. That realism pulls readers in, makes them feel that it is real.

It's like being hit with a sledgehammer repeatedly, albeit a dumb sledgehammer.

I love how his completely realistic and coherent system of magic has like, 6 different kinds of magic, all with different rules. 'Cause, you know, the Yeard has a SYSTEM with RULES, while NO OTHER FANTASY AUTHOR HAS RULES TO THEIR MAGIC. Fuck, read Jane Wurts, she's got a more coherent magic system with far more restrictive rules. Or Barbara Hambly. Or Forgotten fucking Realms. I'm reading the part of Stone of Tears (which must be returned to the library soon. Unfortunately?) where the Sisters of the Dark steal the sorcerer's magic. Remember a while back when I discussed how, if there were two ways to do something, Yeardi always chooses the more gruesome and painful one? Yeah, here it is again. Not only must the wizard be skinned alive, it apparently must be done by the wizard's best friend. Because ... I'm not sure why. Oh, yeah, to sell more books.

Holy shit, I'm far enough along in the book to see just how fucking similar this one is to the Wheel of Time. Holy shit, I could be re-reading the parts of The Dragon Reborn set in the White Tower. My opinion? Yeardi ripped off Jordan, but the reaction of his fan base was so shitty that he had to stop imitating other authors so blatantly. Come on man, disguise your sources! I realize there's limits to how creative you can be in your magic system, but if you are going to base it on the elements, at least don't use flows, weaves and other shit.

Oh, and Shota might as well be a radio station called K-Plot (Mystery Science Theatre 3000 reference - if you can't hide your sources, at least cite them), who pushes the story forward with all the subtlety of a brick through a window. She shows up at the Mud People village simply to bitch at Richard. That's the only reason. Instead of Shota the Witch Woman, she should be called Shitty the Plot Coupon. And if the magic system is so coherent, why hasn't Zedd told Richard that he'll get headaches and die from them in the near future? And is Richard's ability to shoot arrows Additive magic or Subtractive? Or art-magic? Is he adding to his accuracy, or subtracting from his inaccuracy? If you're going to brag about how coherent your magic system is, and make it possibly the greatest contributor to your plot, HOW ABOUT MAKING IT ACTUALLY COHERENT?

Douchebag.

[Myshkin]

Awesome Moose, awesome. AHtMM (All Hail the Mad Moose). 0.73% more awesome than the suggestion of Christopher Lloyd as Zedd. Although what about John Lithgow? That's got more camp. Myshkin's suggestion of David Bowie was also the height of awesome. Though you were off in your suggestion on who should play Richard - remember, he must be taller than most men, though not so tall as a quad member. Perhaps he could sit on Chuck Norris' shoulders.

I think I put Jean Claude Van Damm foward as Zedd. Bowie is going to play Darken Rahl. As for Warwick Davis not being tall enough to play Richard; I would have him stand on Val Kilmer's shoulders when he needed to be "taller than most men".

[rado907]

You guys shouldn't make fun of the WoT and the SoT at the same time. The WoT may be childish and protracted, but the SoT is revolting and inane. Equating the two works does Yeardy more honor than he merits.

[JCoj]

You guys shouldn't make fun of the WoT and the SoT at the same time. The WoT may be childish and protracted, but the SoT is revolting and inane. Equating the two works does Yeardy more honor than he merits.

Um...been there, done that...see "Tire of Time" from two threads ago. Absolutely pathetic, you will agree but hey. You haven't done one yet. Unless you have. In which case...well, it still sucks. Give a guy a break, will you?

Speaking of the revolting ToT, I'm thinking Ch. 2: Balefiring Richard's Junk. Thoughts?

[The Wolf Maid]

...I still want Britney as a Mord Sith.

[PhelanArcetus]

...I still want Britney as a Mord Sith.

Only if she's one of the ones who dies quickly. Did the one who got a barrel of rats tied to her stomach in Temple die? I can't recall the horror of that. But if she dies, she can be Britney.

Actually, make her be played by *all* the stupid rich whores out there. Britney, Paris, Lindsay... whoever the hell else is out there being drunk and high on 50 drugs at once, flashing the public her diseased privates...

There we go, we have the Mord-Sith all cast. Should be plenty of famous whores to fill the roles.

Alternately, use them for the various women Jagang mindrapes and compels to be his camp whores. After all, they're probably no strangers to the sort of rough sex... and you know Tairy wouldn't accept just some fake bruises, he'd want to film a few hours of the sisters being used by the IO soldiers.

[Dycedarg]

Maybe RJ and TG are going to have some sort of Mord Sith/Wise One crossover, replete with BDSM?

The mind reels at the thought.

Or maybe it'll just be creepy fanfic, with Rand and his 3 wives, and Richard and his bevy of women followers, all involved in some sort of Sword of Time/Wheel of Truth uber-orgy.

Ok, you do realize that by suggesting a fanfic topic, you have just cursed it into existence? Somewhere out there, some shitty author is now writing a story where Richard, Gratch, a bunch of nameless soldiers and a Namble gang-rape the female population of Caemlyn (which Min is unexpectedly visiting so we can get the full range of suffering) while Rand gets paid a visit by the Mord-Sith and the female Forsaken. Ack, the horror. Must... find... bleach!

Rand could let Richard know about the "taint", and Richard could teach him about having no mercy, and not thinking about the consequences of his actions when it comes to other people's lives.

Nahh, that would actually make things more interesting in Randland. Can't have that.

Also, I would pay good money to read a scene about Rand (Al'thor) stealing all of Richard's women, and balefiring Richard's junk.

I'll pay money to see Moiraine return from 'finn-land with the knowledge of how to travel between universes and use this power to travel to the Real World and balefire TG back so far that his books were never written. Then I'd like to see her give RJ The Talk about proper pacing. Pity balefire is purely destructive or we could use it to make him rewrite the series from, say, seven onwards with fewer extraneous plot threads and extra characters.

[VigoTheCarpathian]

You guys shouldn't make fun of the WoT and the SoT at the same time. The WoT may be childish and protracted, but the SoT is revolting and inane. Equating the two works does Yeardy more honor than he merits.

I definitely would not impugn any other author, especially Mr. Jordan, when talking about SoT, and I would never equate any decent book with the mind-abortion that is Goodkind's magnum opus. I simply was attempting to draw some humor out of the situation, especially when there is a "publication date" issue that exists between the two series. Especially with some of the more obvious similarities.

I'm going to have to put a on the Warwick Davis/Val Kilmer "Master Blaster"-esque version of RR. Two people cannot have moral clarity, because even if they are individuals, they still form a collective. I'm going to go with Keanu Reeves (hear me out):

1. He has the wooden acting and monotone that would translate perfectly from the pages of SoT to the screen: watching and hearing him give one of Richard's speeches is exactly how my brain interprets the way they would sound when I have to read them. Plus his interactions with the other characters and his reasoning would have the perfect stick-up-the-ass combination of arrogance and retardation. It would greatly add to the plausibility that Richard would listen to a naked Christopher Lloyd Zedd character, and the love scenes would be sooooo terrible, as in the books.

2. The whole "I know kung fu" Matrix line would fit awesomely in the Violet jaw-kick scene.

3. "Dude, I know a lot about representational designs involving lethality."

4. "You killed Zedd, you D'Haran dickweed!"

[Myshkin]

4. "You killed Zedd, you D'Haran dickweed!"

5. "Wow Kahlan, you are dealing with the oddity of sliph travel most excelently."

[The Wolf Maid]

Okay, Vigo has me convinced, Keanu could play Richard.

After all, with his Matrix credits, he would do fine.

You're brilliant, Vigo.

[rado907]

Um...been there, done that...see "Tire of Time" from two threads ago. Absolutely pathetic, you will agree but hey. You haven't done one yet. Unless you have. In which case...well, it still sucks. Give a guy a break, will you?

Speaking of the revolting ToT, I'm thinking Ch. 2: Balefiring Richard's Junk. Thoughts?

Yeah - you have a point it's all in good fun ;-).

[AverageGuy]

"Dude, you totally ripped out that Imperial Order guy's spine!"

"Yeah, dude!"

[VigoTheCarpathian]

5. "Wow Kahlan, you are dealing with the oddity of sliph travel most excelently."

Well done, Myshkin

I think we forgot:

"But this was no chicken. This was chicken most heinous."

As much as I hate to say it, perhaps George Carlin could be the Zedd understudy. And the actress who played Ted's mom could be Kahlan.

"Dick and Zedd's Excellent Adventure" - anyone up to the task?

ETA: funny

[Tormund Ukrainesbane]

"Be excellent to each other, or rip out each other's spines, whichever is more individual"

"As you can see Kahlan loves almost rape because of the excellent sugar rush"

[Myshkin]

"Strange things are afoot at the D'Hara K!"

[The Wolf Maid]

"There is no chicken. This was evil incarnate."

[The Real Will]

Can I just ask. Does anyone else see making the SoT as a television series as a bad idea? Not in terms of the massive abortion/sick laugh-fest that it is bound to be. But someply because Goodkind does not play well with others. He's not a boy to share his sandbox. What is Goodkind's reaction to the cuts and alterations, which are bound to happen, going to be.

Personally, I'm expecting a lot of the objectivism to disappear, and they will simply film what we all know has been there underneath the whole time. A fairly insipid fantasy adventure with no particular redeeming features.

Most author's might be disgruntled by this, but I think most would also bite their tongue and bare it, or at worst express some disapointment. Goodkind, on the otherhand, is not known for his... tact.

So my real question is this. Will we see Goodkind cry?

[VigoTheCarpathian]

So my real question is this. Will we see Goodkind cry?

Will, Will, Will...you have much to learn about Goodkind, my friend.

Tairy does not cry, he drinks the tears of those who do not have the moral fortitude to know what they are doing is right, solely because they are doing it. Crying is for those with remorse, and the Yearded One is utterly sure of his correctness.

That being said: you make an excellent point. I don't know if any of you saw the TV version of Ursula Le Guin's Earthsea (I think the miniseries was called this), but from what I remember, it was basically a gutted version of the books, basically using only the major plot points, and nothing good out of the story.

I don't know how much sway authors have (I'm sure its determined by a contract, and the role he agreed to in the film), but regardless of what happens, I highly doubt that Tairy will be satisfied with the results. Either it will keep its core stuff and be a commercial flop (it being quite heavy-handed/BDSM/rape-y) and he will blame it on the liberal commies and the feeble-minded who don't understand it or it will be cut down to achieve a broader appeal (not so much rape/child abuse/lameness), be a success and he will complain about how the message was diluted and no one understands.

I'm hoping it gets diluted, and is a commercial flop: TG then gets to be super-angry, someone else owns the rights to make the movies, and hopefully, his material is untouchable based on financial losses and TG's abrasive, dickish attitude.

[rado907]

Haha, imagine giving Tairy's drivel to a screenwriter and ordering him to come up with a filmable script .

[The Real Will]

Will, Will, Will...you have much to learn about Goodkind, my friend.

Tairy does not cry, he drinks the tears of those who do not have the moral fortitude to know what they are doing is right, solely because they are doing it. Crying is for those with remorse, and the Yearded One is utterly sure of his correctness.

I stand corrected, and rephrase.

Will we see Goodkind, flushed with moral righteousness, scream in objective rage and launch hiself, Yeard-wax flying out behind him, into the heart of his enemies empire only to emerge some time after, a necklace of skulls still dripping red draped around his neck, licking brain matter from his own yeard like a cat grooming itself and calmly declaring that the television industry was now free, albeit less populace?