Rogue Warrior Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 I followed your link. The excerpt from that book made me laugh until tears were in my eyes. That might be the most bizarre sex scene I have ever read! I think we might have a winner here, folks! Wrap this thread up, we have us a winner! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myshkin Posted June 11, 2007 Author Share Posted June 11, 2007 I will now add Beatrice Small, the romance novelist who writes about men with two cocks and women with self-healing vaginas, as one of the worst authors. Oh my God, that was awesome!!!! Kol stood up and posed before the balcony. His great dominant rod sprang forth to enthusiastic clapping and more cries of â€All praise to Krell!†He strutted about the dais, allowing them all a long look at his mighty rod. Lara held out her arms to him as if pleading. The look in his eyes told her that her act pleased him. And then cheers and more clapping as the thin and pointed lesser rod appeared, glistening with its silver sheen. The females accompanying the lords screamed with excitement and once again the cry, â€All praise to Krell!†was shouted enthusiastically. Kol preened once more before his subjects and then turning his attention to his mate he slipped onto the couch and began to slowly impale her on both of his great rods. Open-mouthed, the spectators in the balcony watched as Kol's enormous dominant rod slid into Lara's waiting sheath even as the pointed tip of his lesser rod pierced her rose hole. All hail the mighty Rods!!!! Especially the thin and pointy lesser one!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Blackfish Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 All hail the mighty Rods!!!! Especially the thin and pointy lesser one!!!! Yeah, I don't think anything can beat that. Good find, Wolf Maid (or is it ... really really bad find ...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
back_packn Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 Kol stood up and posed before the balcony. His great dominant rod sprang forth to enthusiastic clapping and more cries of â€All praise to Krell!†He strutted about the dais, allowing them all a long look at his mighty rod.... And then cheers and more clapping as the thin and pointed lesser rod appeared, glistening with its silver sheen. Oh holy hell. I am now officially blind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moshe Goldberg Rubinshteyn Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 How do you find this crap? Seriously, I don't know you guys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dycedarg Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 Ok, Wolf Maid's recent find reminded me of a book I saw riffed on another board ages ago (down so I'm working entirely off memory). It was about some society with no males, but females could apparently grow rods of their own to keep the species alive (and there was something about sperm being turned into glitter jewelry). I thought that only happened in the seedier kind of Japanese animation. Come to think of it, it might even be the same author. It certainly sounds like something that could spring from the same mind as the woman who writes about self-healing vaginas. ETA: To answer Polaris, I find most of my weird fringe crap by reading threads like this, having quite enough of a reading backlog as it is that I don't have time to find really bad stuff on my own... ok, if we count fan fiction then I pretty much actively court brain hemorrhages and various mental disorders since I do sometimes brave the wilds of the internet in search of well-written stories based on other stories I already like. Sometimes, I get lucky, most times I weep for humanity. Thankfully, it seems the community of fanfic authors has respected GRRM's wishes since there are no pages devoted to Sansa's Uprle Prose or Jaime/Qyburn slash. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nerdanel Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 Trilogy? Trilogy!? I try not to swear on the Internet, but this just has to be said: What the fuck!? What the fuck!? Chris Claremont's infamous Shadow Moon is indeed the first part of a trilogy. The following parts are called Shadow Dawn and Shadow Star. I wouldn't have remembered their names, but Wikipedia did. One of the mysteries of the universe is why the trilogy didn't stop at one book. I suppose it's either that Claremont had negotiated a very good contract for himself or that Lucas lacked the discernment to see the scale of the disaster. I've heard rumors that the sequels are even worse than Shadow Moon, although I can't understant how anyone could have had the fortitude to reach the second book. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaxom 1974 Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 Oh my God, that was awesome!!!! All hail the mighty Rods!!!! Especially the thin and pointy lesser one!!!! Oh my gods! Can we somehow make that a TG thread title. Just because? Oh dear... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nerdanel Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 Oh, good. I don't feel bad for having closed the book at page 50, and set it aside, never to be touched again. So, we have two (me included) that have reached around the page 50 in Shadow Moon. Is this the board record? I think ego issues aside, one big reason why Goodkind gets bashed on instead of Claremont, is that nobody is able to read enough novel-form Claremont to parody. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myshkin Posted June 11, 2007 Author Share Posted June 11, 2007 So, we have two (me included) that have reached around the page 50 in Shadow Moon. Is this the board record? I think ego issues aside, one big reason why Goodkind gets bashed on instead of Claremont, is that nobody is able to read enough novel-form Claremont to parody. Is "Shadow Moon" that shitty sequel to "Willow"? If it is then the author deserves to die for his crimes. As for not bashing Claremont the way we do Tairy, I think that has more to do with the fact that Claremont doen't seem to be a giant douchebag in interviews and public appearances, and, as far as I know, doesn't try to push some juvenile philosophy down our throats. But I could be wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mad Monkey Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 No, no, Nerdanel is right. To truly loathe a book you have to at least have skimmed it once or twice. I've read two Terry Goodkind novels and I can't even work my way through the Amazon.com excerpt of Shadow Moon. He co-wrote it with some guy named 'George Lucas', who I hope to heaven is completely unrelated to the Star Wars guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nerdanel Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 Is "Shadow Moon" that shitty sequel to "Willow"? If it is then the author deserves to die for his crimes. As for not bashing Claremont the way we do Tairy, I think that has more to do with the fact that Claremont doen't seem to be a giant douchebag in interviews and public appearances, and, as far as I know, doesn't try to push some juvenile philosophy down our throats. But I could be wrong. It's that Willow sequel all right... How far into it did you get? "But I could be wrong." That's the point. The books are so painful to read that finding out what's the philosophy inside, if any, is a feat beyond mortal strength. The very beginning had some stuff about how the absence of Willow had caused Elora Danan(sp?) to grow up spoiled. (Imagine! Raising someone as a "holy princess" worshipped by everyone and obeying her every whim might not be the smartest course!) I think that kind of think will be as reviled as Goodkind's "philosophy", but it isn't particularly less juvenile nor the integration to the plot is any better. For example, of all the people in the whole kingdom, Willow appears to be the only one with a clue about raising a child. There might be more, but I haven't read about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaxom 1974 Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 As for not bashing Claremont the way we do Tairy, I think that has more to do with the fact that Claremont doen't seem to be a giant douchebag in interviews and public appearances, and, as far as I know, doesn't try to push some juvenile philosophy down our throats. But I could be wrong. I think it has more to do with the fact that Claremont only has a limited number of novels to his name, and nothing (that I'm aware of) in something like 10 years. He made his mark in comic books and in the late 70s, early 80s, he was a king. (And a bit of a tool, if you believe some of the hype). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myshkin Posted June 11, 2007 Author Share Posted June 11, 2007 It's that Willow sequel all right... How far into it did you get? About 8 pages while in the used book store. I was extermely lucky that I diceded to read the first little bit before actually buying it. That saved me six bucks. He co-wrote it with some guy named 'George Lucas', who I hope to heaven is completely unrelated to the Star Wars guy. As it is the sequel to "Willow" there can be no doubt that the co-writer is the George Lucas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Multaniette Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 wolf maid's excerpt made me laugh for a solid ten minutes. I don't think I have ever seen quite its like even in fan fictions.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beniowa Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 What I want to know is, how is that Wolf Maid found this author? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaxom 1974 Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 What I want to know is, how is that Wolf Maid found this author? She is Wolf Maid and Wolf Maid is she...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Wolf Maid Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 How do you find this crap? Seriously, I don't know you guys. What I want to know is, how is that Wolf Maid found this author? She is Wolf Maid and Wolf Maid is she...? I found it in one of my LJ communities, weeping_cock, which is a community dedicated to finding and mocking the worst sex scenes in fiction (or fanfics). If you browse through the community, you'll see more, ah, gems. ETA: To answer Polaris, I find most of my weird fringe crap by reading threads like this, having quite enough of a reading backlog as it is that I don't have time to find really bad stuff on my own... ok, if we count fan fiction then I pretty much actively court brain hemorrhages and various mental disorders since I do sometimes brave the wilds of the internet in search of well-written stories based on other stories I already like. Sometimes, I get lucky, most times I weep for humanity. Thankfully, it seems the community of fanfic authors has respected GRRM's wishes since there are no pages devoted to Sansa's Uprle Prose or Jaime/Qyburn slash. I've actually seen Sansa/Hound porn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dycedarg Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 I must begin this with a disclaimer that I was about fourteen when I discovered Willow and the Shadow trilogy. I was young and foolish; that's my excuse and I'm sticking with it. Thank you ever so much for reminding me of Shadow Moon. I'd almost forgotten about those books. Yeah, I finished that book and I can't even remember most of what happened. It was just that bad. I think the thing that stuck with me most was killing off major characters from the movie in the first chapter. Gave me plot whiplash the likes of which one rarely sees (for anime fans, the Nadesico movie gives you a similar feeling). I'm ashamed to admit that I even read the sequels (library books so I didn't feed the authors). Not sure what insanity prompted me to do it, probably because I was still in that phase where Brooks was readable and neither Tolkien nor Martin were in my field of vision. At least the sequels didn't have quite so many characters with unintelligible accents or oddly CapitalizedWords. The last book was a bit better than the others in my recollection but that's probably because I was playing Final Fantasy VII at the time and my memories are getting crossed. Worst thing about it: The premise behind the Deceiver could, if done well, actually have been cool and compelling. Unfortunately, Claremont's fetish with keeping that little plot twist a secret ruined any chance it had of working. Since I seem to be the only person here who actually finished the series, the big baddie who impersonated Willow (and later that warlord guy whose name I can't be arsed to remember) was Elora. Apparently, in the 'original' timeline there was a Big War with the villains Claremont invents in the second book (no real personality to them, just a generic nasty Ancient Race) and Elora screwed up big time, so she decided to go back in time, possess her younger self and prevent her from ever making said mistakes. Didn't work, hence big cataclysm and plot whiplash. The 'Villain as older and theoretically wiser version of the Hero' could have worked if the author had actually cared to try. Ok, now that I've finished rambling some more memories have been dredged up (stay down, memories, stay down!). I remember what I liked about the third book aside from the fact that it tempts you with the prospect of Elora and Willow actually dying (which it didn't deliver on). There was a feeble attempt to actually connect with the events and locations of Willow, thus reminding me of a better product. I know that's not saying much in this case but whatever. I've actually seen Sansa/Hound porn. I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Wolf Maid Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 Trust me, you don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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