Friends with ex - Good idea or not?

[The Fallen]

I always wonder why people feel the need to be friendly with their exes.

There's nothing wrong with it, but you broke up for a reason.

I didn't read any good reasons for wanting to remain friends.

ETA: I can see wanting to remain cordial because of the circle you're in, but I see no reason for more than that.

[zelticgar]

I only had two serious relationships prior to meeting my wife and both of them happened to have moved to the town next to where I live. Its kind of random because I moved about 35 miles away from my hometown. I've lived here for 15 years and I bump into one of them pretty frequently. The other one I've seen occasionally over the years. Its nice to see them out and about with their husbands and kids but I have no desire to be friends with either of them. I know some people that are really close with their exes and it always seems kind of weird to me.

Satori - i echo a lot of the other posters sentiment. It is possible to be friends but in your case it seems like a bad idea. The relationship sounds unhealthy and you would probably be better served by severing contact for a while. Maybe I'm crazy but when you find yourself in a relationship where you are becoming a co-dependent with a drinking problem its time to step away and start trying to fix your own personal issues. If you don't work on yourself now chances are pretty good that you'll end up either falling back into the same messy relationship or you will end up in another bad relationship down the road.

[MerenthaClone]

I always wonder why people feel the need to be friendly with their exes.

There's nothing wrong with it, but you broke up for a reason.

I didn't read any good reasons for wanting to remain friends.

ETA: I can see wanting to remain cordial because of the circle you're in, but I see no reason for more than that.

'cause sometimes I like the company of someone, but discover that I don't want to date them.

[HexMachina]

I always wonder why people feel the need to be friendly with their exes.

There's nothing wrong with it, but you broke up for a reason.

I didn't read any good reasons for wanting to remain friends.

ETA: I can see wanting to remain cordial because of the circle you're in, but I see no reason for more than that.

For me it was because, cliched as the phrase is, I broke up with my ex because "I just wasn't in a great place for a relationship." To elaborate slightly, I was quite ill at the time, mentally and physically, and wasn't in a place to maintain my relationship with this person. I didn't think it was fair to keep him "tied down" so to speak, so we ended the relationship but are still friends.

[The Fallen]

'cause sometimes I like the company of someone, but discover that I don't want to date them.

Ah well, carry on then.

For me it was because, cliched as the phrase is, I broke up with my ex because "I just wasn't in a great place for a relationship." To elaborate slightly, I was quite ill at the time, mentally and physically, and wasn't in a place to maintain my relationship with this person. I didn't think it was fair to keep him "tied down" so to speak, so we ended the relationship but are still friends.

That's cool and makes sense. And I'm not against being friends with exes. If it happens organically, fine.

But I've seen instances where one party, after doing the other wrong, wants to force the aggrieved party to remain friends.

[Valyria Steele]

It really depends upon the situation. If there is a maturity level from all parties involved then, yes, it is possible to become friends post relationship.

[HexMachina]

Ah well, carry on then.

That's cool and makes sense. And I'm not against being friends with exes. If it happens organically, fine.

But I've seen instances where one party, after doing the other wrong, wants to force the aggrieved party to remain friends.

Yes, but then I think most people in this thread have been acknowledging that it all depends on circumstances surrounding the break up. I don't think anyone is trying to claim there is some universal rule to this

[DemiNymph]

Looking at your very negative fallout, it's a flat no.

[satori26]

Thanks for responding you guys! Also, thanks zelticgar for giving me the vocabulary for it. I had heard of co-dependency but never really understand exactly what it was. Yep, that was my relationship.

The situation cleared up on its own. I ran into her at a big event, happened to have the new girl around, the ex continually followed me around, looking to strike up conversation, and she even tried to talk to the new girl too. Finally, she just completely flipped out and accused me of parading in her face, and the next day she threw the last few things I still had in her place out the door in the rain. I won't be getting to see any of the animals, but I know even though she's a bit nuts with girls, she'll take good care of the animals. I can deal, for the moment, but I sure as hell don't want to see her for a while.

It's kind of a ridiculous situation, but right now I just feel sorry for her.

[satori26]

I'm going to have to bump this up for one last question, as letting girls run over me in relationships seems to be my thing:

If you guys were in the same position of having shared "custody" of pets, would you insist on contact with them? The thing is, as I'm the one moving out, I can't take the cat with me immediately. I would have to wait a month or so. The cat is mine though, and we agreed on this in the break-up. The dog is happier where she is, and we agreed on this already as well.

Does the inability to immediately find a place to take the cat to kind of make me default on that deal? Or should I insist on it?

Last time I talked, I told her even for the dog, she is still my responsibility, so I want to pay her vet bills and all that jazz if she ever needs it and make sure to give her money to take care of her after I find my own place and job. The ex just replied that all the animals are her responsibility now.

Thanks again for your help guys... never thought I would end up a co-dependent alcoholic! Never again!

[Monday]

Contact? No. That smells of using your pets to try and keep ties. However, I would send a cheque or direct deposit monthly with something in the memo about temporary cat care if I wanted to ever have it back.

[NestorMakhnosLovechild]

I'm going to have to bump this up for one last question, as letting girls run over me in relationships seems to be my thing:

If you guys were in the same position of having shared "custody" of pets, would you insist on contact with them? The thing is, as I'm the one moving out, I can't take the cat with me immediately. I would have to wait a month or so. The cat is mine though, and we agreed on this in the break-up. The dog is happier where she is, and we agreed on this already as well.

Does the inability to immediately find a place to take the cat to kind of make me default on that deal? Or should I insist on it?

Last time I talked, I told her even for the dog, she is still my responsibility, so I want to pay her vet bills and all that jazz if she ever needs it and make sure to give her money to take care of her after I find my own place and job. The ex just replied that all the animals are her responsibility now.

Thanks again for your help guys... never thought I would end up a co-dependent alcoholic! Never again!

Don't pay for the dog. Or the cat. If she won't give up the cat after a month, let her keep it and be responsible for it. There is no pet parenting time. Put them out of your mind and move forward.

You will forget about them. You will be fine. It will shock you how much it never happened.

[Eponine]

You will forget about them. You will be fine. It will shock you how much it never happened.

Wow. I would never feel that way about my pet and honestly, I think that someone who does has no business owning a pet. I still feel terrible about someone leaving a door open and letting my cat out, and that happened two years ago. Not like deep grieving think about it every minute terrible, but it still makes me sad. I don't think that means that you can't decide that an ex has equal rights to ownership and a better ability to care for your dog, but there's no reason to just shrug and walk away from a beloved pet.

If you both agreed that the cat is yours on the breakup, try to get an agreement in writing - it can be very simple and you don't have to do it in person, ask for her agreement via email - basically you agree to be able to take the cat in a specified period of time (say, 3 months), you'll pay her $X/month for taking care of the cat via direct deposit, and you'll contact and meet up with her one time at her convenience to get the cat. If you have any paperwork where you bought or adopted the cat, as well as having your name on any veterinary paperwork, hang onto it. Even if you meet with any resistance on her end, the chance that you would actually ever have to sue to get the cat back is very small as long as you can convince her that all evidence points to the cat being yours.

I took care of an ex-boyfriend's dog for over a month while he was transitioning to a place that allowed dogs. We were NOT on good terms - I'd cut off general contact with him and I didn't have any warm feelings toward him. And I would NEVER have made it so that the dog wouldn't have a place to live or not let the dog be reunited with her owner. To me, that takes a special kind of asshole.

[zelticgar]

I'm not really an animal person so I'm with NML here. Just let her keep the animals. You can get new pets in the future. Just consider this the cost of breaking free from a bad influence.

[Raja]

Nestor's just channeling his inner Don Draper.

[smegma]

Well, considering we just moved our entire household and ended up breaking our lease because of our cats, you can probably guess where I fall on that issue. If you're like me, pets are family and you do what's best for them - and if that means the cat is yours, you act like decent human beings and get the cat after a month.

In a somewhat related story, I got an email from an exbf today that told me he had to stop being FB friends with me because his girlfriend (fiancee now I think) flipped out when she realized who I was and demanded that he unfriend me. We've been broken up for four years and really stay in contact mostly because he misses my cats and we have similar taste in television shows. But she couldn't accept that and went nuts, even though she really has zero reason to be concerned - and now we have all these mutual friends and it's just going to be weird. My boyfriend wasn't THRILLED that the ex and I remained friends, but over time he understood and he even grew to like him (through his posts/comments on my FB).

Anyway, it's lame. I'm sad because I didn't mean to cause any strife, but also annoyed. I could never give anyone an ultimatum over a person that was 2000 miles away and involved in a relationship themselves, etc. Oh well. Nothing to be done, but he did ask that I keep him informed of any kitty developments, but now I'm worried to even do that and cause any more trouble.