Barbarian Snark Thread, Part the Third

[Lord O' Bones]

As Min has clearly pointed out several times, Russians are all red beasts

What the fuck is that?

[Alaerien]

As Min has clearly pointed out several times, Russians are all red beasts

What the fuck is that?

:lol: You might need to be British to get the joke.

[Maltaran]

What the fuck is that?

It's a ginger rodent.

:lol: You might need to be British to get the joke.

Exactly what I was thinking of.

[KAH]

I think Real Americans could get away with that in the 80s. Or, the Commies wiped out all the fundamentalists so there's been no-one to show Rock the True Way of Jeezus. In any case, the only (non-evil) religion we've seen has been him and Rona's new-age mishmash of pseudo-yogic-meditation, so a bit of blasphemy is the least of our worries.

It's obvious - Rock is Jesus 2.0, the new and improved mutant version!

Rock's knowledge of himself and The Second Coming may have been scrambled by being rendered unconscious one time too many, but Rapture will come once every Commie and Russkie has been dealt with like the Red Beasts that they are!

[MinDonner]

Chapter Fourteen, alas, is yet another of these deeply pointless forays into the intricacies of the Russian High Command - in this case, the attempted poisoning of Vassily.

Vassily is feeling slightly better, and is in a reflective mood. He has a certain amount of respect for the Freefighters, and wonders if he should try and palm them off with some American Reservations in the radioactive wastelands, in the same way that the old USA had dealt with the Navajo and suchlike. Controversial! But this surprisingly unAmerican sentiment from Stacy is immediately set off by Vassily's conclusion that the USSR would not have treated the natives any better, so that's OK then.

Now we're back with Killov's evil doctors, who are still perplexed as to why Vassily is not yet dead, despite their regular injections of "cancer toxin". They will have to arrange for Rahallah to have an accident! But it is too late - we cut to Rahallah who is in the process of sending some of this cancer toxin off for analysis!

And so, the next morning, at Minkin's house...

"Shut up, traitor," one of the beefy goons snarled. "Move aside madame." He continued staring down at the terrified wife of one of Moscow's elite. The five officers filled the bedroom, their muddy feet dirtying the white rug around the bed. The wife knew about the poison. She was privy to all her husband's dealings. So she knew why they came. She had also planned what to do in this case. She would not go with him. She slipped out of bed, wrapping herself in the down comforter, and walked to the other side of the room.

"No!" her husband screamed once before the peaceful domestic scene was shattered by the firing of five machine pistols. The lifeless body of Dr Minkin slammed into the wall, spurting blood through innumerable holes.

The other two doctors get similar treatment, though in less elaborate detail, in a way which suggests that Stacy had actually forgotten what their names were. The "younger one" had, apparently, implicated Killov as the plot's mastermind when they crushed his scrotum - so now Vassily decides that somehow, Killov will have to die!

-------------

Zzzzz. But, this probably being the last update till next weekend, I can't leave you with such a dull chapter, so here's a quick teaser from the next one:

She opened the zipper with trembling fingers and the engorged member burst forth. She kneeled down in the other cell, her rising nipples pressed tight against the cold steel of the bars. She reached her head through the eight inch wide spaces between the bars, and with her marshmallow soft lips engulfed his manhood. She moaned with innocent erotic delight.

:leaving:

[Maithanet]

Rock remembered reading about a creature from the past history of America, South America, if he recalled correctly. They had a name for men like this - zombies, they had called them.

Zombies are from South America? Is the joke that Rockson is wrong? Or is the joke that REALITY IS WRONG.

I also found Rock's immediate identification of Americans superpower to be surprising. I can only assume that it is some sort of futuristic mutation, like advanced Gay-dar.

I'm really hoping that the teaser from next chapter includes some mention of Rock's penis size. Given Stacy's penchant for throwing out useless numbers, I hope it is accurate to within half an inch. If so, what is the over/under? 10.5?

[Lupigis]

How cold I forget about these threads for so long? So much fun! Min, you are truly a hero.

About the last post, is Rock a pedophile now? Or are there actually adult women who can put their heads through an eight inch wide opening?

[Old Nan]

I had a dream last night of what life may have been like in America, 2089 AD. At first I was on a train, and there were people speaking in glowing terms of how the trains all ran on time following the Socialist victory, but they all stopped at infinitely many stations along any route so as not to privilege one over the other and hence got nowhere. And then I was in some kind of dark mass to Marx, where all the exits were guarded by stout blotchy Slavs (red beasts?) and a Russian-accented baritone choir chanted “Kill the Yankees, kill the Yankees, step right up and kill the Yankees” like some kind of demented sports chant while we were rounded up before the altar and beaten to death by women in babushkas.

[Antonius Pius]

Bags, are you Terry Goodkind? I'm sure Tairy has similar dreams.

so as not to privilege one over the other

is right out of the Imperial Order's book: If you're better than someone, you're worse than everyone

[MinDonner]

Chapter Fifteen opens, of course, with Rock resuming consciousness in a cell. The Reds have caught him for the first time in his 34 years of life! But of course he's not scared. Ted Rockson didn't know the emotion of fear - it wasn't in his nature. I'd have thought that this made him not so much brave as a psychopath, but let it pass.

The guards take this rare opportunity to taunt their prisoner, in a way that seems suspiciously flattering (and rather homoerotic to boot) - obviously Stacy can't bear to have even the Russians be less than totally awesomed by our hero:

"Wouldn't you like to know how close you are to the end? Ted Rockson, the mighty Ultimate American, just a prisoner like all the other idiot bandits who think they can defeat the combined power of the Russian Empire. Do you admit now who is stronger, Rockson? At least will you admit the truth?"

"Why don't you step in here with me for a moment, compadre," Rockson said. "You and I could have a little fun. See, I'm all chained up," he held his manacled hands in the air. "You KGB like to get your kicks." Rock smiled a come-hither grin.

"And get crushed in your mutant arms? No thank you, Rockson."

But before they can get down to it, someone approaches, and Rock's sixth sense tells him that it is Killov, here to carry out some torture.

Killov does a bit of gloating about how stupid Rockson was to fall into his trap (he has a point), and threatens to cut his eyes out - Rock retorts with "[blah blah macho crap] and then we'll see whose eyes end up on the cutting room floor" - good to see that the movie industry and its attendant metaphors are still thriving in the postapocalyptic wastelands of 2089. That, or they actually have specific rooms for the cutting out or people's eyes, which just happen to be called cutting rooms. :huh:

Eventually Killov gets angry at Rock's witty quips and so has him knocked out with stun gas; Rock comes to in another room, tied to a pole, while Killov readies the red-hot poker. Gasp! By a cunning ruse of pretending to still be unconscious (which would render the torture kind of pointless? Those stoopid Russians), he manages to kick the poker at the last minute and it hits Killov in the face!

Killov's guards grab for their guns, but Killov orders them to stop! First he must be subjected to... the psychological torture! They mysteriously inject him with an aphrodisiac then return him to his original cell, drawing back a curtain to reveal....

...the most beautiful woman Rockson had ever seen.

The milky rays of the moon bathed her long golden tresses, this lovely ample daughter of America, barely out of her teens. Silky flesh raised on milk and butter and honey, with upturned erect nipples, that lithe turn of her thighs, that flushed rosy-cheeked face. Rock felt his loins throb and swell with desire. Desire that would have been overwhelming anyway, but now with the powerful aphrodisiac injected into his bloodstream, it was unbearable. Desire turned to torture.

The young lady in question introduces herself shyly as Kim, and is full of appropriate hero-worshipping admiration for Rock, who she has heard all about. Rock tries to approach the bars, but the chain he's attached to makes him stop about 6 inches short. Which at least gives us some indication of minimum penis-length for the scene to follow.

Kim turns out to be the daughter of famous political activist Michael Langford, and has only recently been captured by the Reds. They are planning to - oh! She can't bear to finish the sentence! But we all know the threat of almost-rape when we hear it. And she's still a virgin! She would much rather give The Most Precious Gift A Woman Can Give to Rockson himself rather than some dirty Commie... and so quickly manages to slip out of her shackles and get over to the bars separating their cells! No, she's not going to try to escape, it's much more important right now to give Rockson a blowjob.

[here sits the teaser update from last week]

"They never thought of this, Rockson," Kim said, taking the stiff pole from between her moist lips. "The Reds only thought to prevent you from reaching me - their women never want it - they have lost their sex drive generations ago and are merely chattel for the men's pleasure."

Those poor frigid Russian women! How unlike the noble free American girls, who are merely, er, receptacles for Rockson's cock. Yes, BOTH of them. :lol:

Hey, at least this book has TWO women with names, unlike the last one. Eva Braun doesn't count.

Somehow Kim manages to push her breasts against Rockson's waist, so they must also be larger than 6 inches (!!) And then, with some bizarre contortionist movements, she manages to get her legs up on the crossbar and push her "moist furry triangle" onto Rock's swollen manhood. This doesn't sound particularly comfortable to me, but she seems to be enjoying herself:

Then she began moving, slowly at first, up and down on the long shaft, then with increasing vigor and jerking motions, holding onto his hips, her nipples squashed against the firm bars. It slid in and out in stronger and stronger pumps, filling her stomach. She moved on him like a kinfe cutting into deep velvet, like a girl/woman who has realised her dreams at last.

:stunned:

Rockson spurts like a Hoover Dam bursting, then they declare undying love for each other (conveniently forgotten by book 5, if not sooner! Spoiler!). And Rockson vows that he must not let her die!

[Maltaran]

And Rockson vows that he must not let her die!

She's doomed.

[Lummel]

Rockson spurts like a Hoover Dam bursting, then they declare undying love for each other (conveniently forgotten by book 5, if not sooner! Spoiler!). And Rockson vows that he must not let her die!

Hopefully this is just a cunning and evil Russian trap to breed a half communist-half mutant Rockson rival!

[MinDonner]

Hopefully this is just a cunning and evil Russian trap to breed a half communist-half mutant Rockson rival!

That sounds a little... sophisticated for Stacy. You mean that women might have other uses than just things to have sex with? That's just crazy talk.

Chapter Sixteen

The KGB guards come to remove Kim the next morning, giving her a good groping and saying things like "We'll have fun with her, she's a hot fuck", which makes Rock go insane with fury, veins standing out in his neck like taut ropes. But not even Ted Rockson can snap inch thick steel chains.

Luckily, the author is here to help. Rockson is immediately dragged from his cell by some more guards, who take him to see some recently-disembowelled captives. And by amazing good fortune, these are some of Century City's (evidently rather inept) infiltration experts. Whose boots contain "special devices"!

Rock asks the guards if he can pray for the souls of his dead friends, and they take this as a good opportunity to mock the God-botherer, so they let him. Which gives him the chance to extract a) a capsule of knockout gas and b ) a small explosive from the boot heels! In less than a paragraph the guards are unconscious and Rock is free - he changes into a Red uniform (made of tight black leather. Those commies are all about style over comfort and convenience) including the regulation sunglasses (?). He then swiftly manages to beat Kim's location out of a passing officer ("Don't play games with me mister, I have nothing to lose. Once more I ask you where's the girl?") and dashes off to the rescue.

For extra almost-rape points, the KGB have Kim trussed to an X-shape frame, but of course have not started any raping yet. They have barely a moment to recognise Rock before he dispatches the lot of them with a machine pistol.

"We've got one chance in Hell, Kim. You've got to do everything I say instantly, without question. Maybe, just maybe, we'll get out of here."

"I will, Rock," Kim said, wiping away a few salty tears and standing straight up. "Trust me," she added softly, smiling at the sight of Rock's handsome face and powerful, muscled body right in front of her.

Rock takes this moment to have a passing thought of Rona, but only in terms of how she was basically adequate but nowhere near as hot as Kim. Despite the fact that they've exchanged *counts* less than 400 words between them, half of which was infodump anyway, Rockson finds her "honest and direct like Rockson himself", and they have speshul chemistry, and her hair smells like sweet fruit. But!! Their touching declaration of how much they wuv each other is cruelly interrupted by a hail of machine gun fire!

Rock now has a chance to use the explosive from that guy's boot, which blows up all the commies in the corridor, and now they can make their escape! And rescue all the other Americans at the same time!

This is a long chapter, so the rest will have to wait for the next instalment...

[Old Nan]

I smell a tragic and swift death for Kim.

[MinDonner]

I find your lack of faith disturbing. This is the Ultimate American we're talking about here!

[Old Nan]

I wonder if his Ultimate Seed is ultra-potent, like Kellhus's, so only a superior woman (i.e. Eva Braun) can bear it without yielding freakish mutant spawn stillbirths.

Or maybe their coupling will yield a pure-strain Ultimate Fetus which will require more than the poor ordinary butter-fed (?) mother can give it, so that Dr. Shecter will save the day by giving her a Ultimate retroviral gene job at the point of delivery to save her life, and Rockson will tear their Ultimate Child from her quivering womb with his teeth.

Was there any mention of The Scent Of Kim's Moist Sex coming from her neck during their conjugal visit?

[MinDonner]

No - remember that the actual sex was performed by Rock sticking the end of his cock through some bars six inches away, so the first time he got near enough to smell her, all we get is the sweet fruitiness of her hair. Good that the shampoo industry is still thriving in the postapocalyptic wastelands, even despite the complete lack of women. Though perhaps there was a kind of cheesy smell earlier, leading him to conclude she'd been raised on milk and butter and honey?

[Altherion]

That sounds a little... sophisticated for Stacy. You mean that women might have other uses than just things to have sex with? That's just crazy talk.

If the girl is not some kind of trap, then this has to be the silliest treatment of an imprisoned protagonist in any book from these threads thus far. But she has to get out of the picture somehow so it's either this or some tragic scene in which Rock fails to save her.

[lacuna]

And by amazing good fortune, these are some of Century City's (evidently rather inept) infiltration experts. Whose boots contain "special devices"!

And why doesn't Rockson equip himself with these extremely handy Bat-boots?

[Maithanet]

If the girl is not some kind of trap, then this has to be the silliest treatment of an imprisoned protagonist in any book from these threads thus far. But she has to get out of the picture somehow so it's either this or some tragic scene in which Rock fails to save her.

The very best Kim can hope for is a noble sacrifice of her life (which, having given her virginity, is mostly used up anyway) for Rockson. The alternatives are she is killed horribly without having the choice to sacrifice herself, or she is simply written out of the next book like a Bond girl.

I suppose that the Worf effect is coming to play for the Russians, because frankly they don't seem terribly threatening. I'm wondering why Rockson didn't just use his mighty Thews to off Killov and be done with it? This book needs more super-monsters. 280 pound direwolves are not enough. I need the return of the HellPuppy.