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Werthead

GOODKIND V

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Not to beat a dead horse here but (oh wait, this filly was dead by Goodkind II, who am I kidding) this "thing" of Richard's really bugs me. Any author worth their salt would have had some name for it. Tolkien would have given it some Elvish name, a dwarf word, and possibly something in the tongue of Mordor; Erikson would have called it T'Something, GRRM would have linked it back 10 generations... But no author with an ounce of imagination or self-respect would just call it the "thing". The lameness of this just slays me.

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I present: my Sword of Truth fanfic!

The building was like a dark portal to another world, swirling with dark energies. It's not really a building at all, Richard realized as he entered the front door. Stepping through the door, he saw a gloomy shadow from the corner of his eye. He walked forward, drawing his sword, shouting "Blade be true this day!" removing his sword from his sheath as he did so. The shadow resolved itself into a dark chicken-thing, yet it was not a chicken. The chicken thing was huge, easily three feet tall. It waddled forward, screeching its horrible battle-cackle. As it ran towards him, Richard leapt backwards, brandishing his sword. The chicken's presence filled the room with its terrible hatred of moral clarity, the burning tips of its wings filling Richard with dread. It hopped as it came, and Richard ducked as it swung a wing-tip at him, crouching as it swept over him. He stood and backed away, but the chicken towered over him. Richard felt despair and dejection as it slithered towards him, still screaming. He almost fell as a new feeling came over him, a feeling of depression as his nobility and righteous human spirit was crushed by the chicken-thing's horrible evilness. Suddenly, he felt a thing rise up, a terrible and great feeling of hatred towards the chicken rising up, and he chopped upwards with his blade. "Back, ye terrible beaste!" he shouted, and his voice was loud enough to scare the chicken thing. Now he saw that it was easily twenty feet tall, and even the loudness of his voice was not enough to frighten it. It seemed hopeless, but then

Although I wanted to finish this story, a terrible dislike of people who hate moral clarity and the nobleness of the human spirit came over me and I kicked several small girls in the jaw. I feel very righteous and important right now, and I'm heading over to my Objectivist Meeting for Chicken Hate Monday. I'll finish it when I'm done basking in my right-ness.

Pretty good Snowbeat, but I'm afraid I just couldn't think it was something written by Goodkind himself - it's just too well written. Add a few more incomprehensible sentences, a bit more preaching, and you'lll be there.

Richard felt despair and dejection as it slithered towards him, still screaming

That is actually a decent sentence. If it weren't for the fact that it is a chicken that is not a chicken slithering towards him, you could believe it wasn't a Goodkind fan fic.

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Could I make a request for the Quote of the day?

I've heard bits and pieces about how The Yeard was shagging whilst his troops were facing impossible odds on the field of battle - something to do with them not understanding freedom... Could we have a wee segment from that part of the story please?

Oh, turns out an otherwise well adjusted guy I know reads TG - I quized him on his motives - seems he likes the page turning element, that and he's started and so he must finish it. (reminds me of WOT there... some day I will work up the enthusiasm to read it all...)

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Report from Ambassador Ben's thread on TG.net:

I've been rather surprised by some of the posters, as I wasn't expecting much intelligent discourse(Kheldar, despite a few technical faults, does a pretty decent job). However, there still are a few worthy of mention:

From JoeDu, who comes off in rather typical fashion as an arrogant twit, fired off this gem:

You're way off on this one. While the term "objectivism" may not be in their lexicon, the ideals portrayed in the books through the Rules are very clear, and completely go against the grain of anyone with socialst leanings, which includes a very large international coalition found on sites like Malazan, who almost unanimously hate Goodkind

The point is none of these "excuses" are valid reasons, in any way, shape or form, for the extreme character assassinations and the colossal time-wasting bashing found all over the place.

Obviously, Goodkind represents a much larger threat to these people.

as well as the incredible comparison of the *wrongness* of GioG to

"Hey, I only raped her. It's not like I killed her."
.

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"Hey, I only raped her. It's not like I killed her."

What. The. Hell?

How does it connect with GioG?

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Looking back to the "torture" quote of the day, I went on to TG.net, and found a list of wizards rules. So...

1. Torturing a guy to death is a good thing:

"I don't care what you do to him," she said, "but I want to hear his screams the entire night. I want this camp to hear his screams the entire night. I want the Order's scouts to hear his screams. That will be my tribute to Warren."

2. Wizards Fourth Rule:

"There is magic in forgiveness; in the forgiveness you give, but more so in the forgiveness you receive."

3. Wizards Ninth Rule

"A contradiction can not exist in reality. Not in part, nor in whole. To believe in a contradiction is to abdicate your belief in the existence of the world around you and the nature of the things in it, to instead embrace any random impulse that strikes your fancy – to imagine something is real simply because you wish it were. A thing is what it is, it is itself. There can be no contradictions."

:o

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1. Torturing a guy to death is a good thing:

"I don't care what you do to him," she said, "but I want to hear his screams the entire night. I want this camp to hear his screams the entire night. I want the Order's scouts to hear his screams. That will be my tribute to Warren."

....<snip><snip>

3. Wizards Ninth Rule

"A contradiction can not exist in reality. Not in part, nor in whole. To believe in a contradiction is to abdicate your belief in the existence of the world around you and the nature of the things in it, to instead embrace any random impulse that strikes your fancy – to imagine something is real simply because you wish it were. A thing is what it is, it is itself. There can be no contradictions."

:o

Are these actual rules in the book, or something the fans made up? If this is really TG's....Wow. Goodkind is truly one SM-loving individual, then. And he likes them loud.

As for the third rule, my head hurt trying to figure out what exactly he was trying to say, other than "Contradictions does not exist in reality...and blahblahblah"

Wait, can this apply to TG's writing's too? His book is full of contradictions, after all.

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Could I make a request for the Quote of the day?

I've heard bits and pieces about how The Yeard was shagging whilst his troops were facing impossible odds on the field of battle - something to do with them not understanding freedom... Could we have a wee segment from that part of the story please?

Okeedokee, that shall be our Terry Goodkind Quote of the Day, though the Mountaingoat has also made a request for today, so maybe we'll have a twofer.

He wasn't really shagging during this time. At the end of Soul of the Fire, Kahlan gets the living shit kicked out of her by a bunch of guys. At the same time, the vote in Anderith had gone strongly against Richard. So Richard says "fuck it" and takes Kahlan to some place in Westland near to where he grew up, so Kahlan can get better. Meanwhile his army is still far away fighting the Order. As Kahlan is getting better, Richard has some kind of revelation, or vision of something, which shows him what he must do. Some of the more notable parts of the chapter are:

"If I lead us into this war, we will lose. A great many people will die for nothing. The result will be a world enslaved by the Imperial Order. If I don't lead our side in battle, the world will still fall under the shadow of the Order but far fewer people will die. Only in that way will we ever stand a chance."

"By losing? You want to lose first, and then fight?...How can we even consider abandoning the fight for freedom?"

"Anderith helped teach me a lesson," he said. His voice was restrained, as if he regretted what he was saying. "I can't press this war. Freedom requires effort if it is to be won and vigilance if it is to be maintained. People just don't value freedom until it's taken away."

"But many do," Kahlan objected.

"There are always some, but most don't even understand it, nor do they care to - the same as with magic. People mindlessly shrink from it, too, without seeing the truth. The Order offers them a world without magic and ready-made answers to everything. Servitude is simple. I thought that I could convince people of the value of their own lives, and of liberty. In Anderith they showed me just how foolish I had been."

<blah blah blah> "I must do what is best for us. I must be selfish; life is far too precious to be casually squandered on useless causes. There can be no greater evil than that. People can only be saved from the coming dark age of subjugation and servitude if they, too, come to understand and care about the value of their own lives, their freedom, and are willing to act in their own interest. We must try to stay alive in the hope that such a day will come."

[i]<blahblah>[/i] "What form did this vision assume?"

Richard's piercing gray eyes locked on her, almost in warning.

"Vision, revelation, realization, postulation, prophecy...understanding <Terry found his thesaurus it seems, otherwise it would have been a 'thing'> - call it what you will, for in this they are all in one the same, and unequivocal. I can't describe it but to say it seems as if I must have always know it. Maybe I have. It wasn't so much words as it was a complete concept. a conclusion, a truth that became absolutely clear to me."

She knew he expected her to leave it at that. "If it became so clear and is unambiguous," she pressed, "you must be able to express it in words."

<blahblahblah>

His brow was smooth and his face calm. She knew she had at last brought him to the heart of the matter. His certainty would afford him no reason to keep it from her if she chose to hear it, and she did. His words rolled forht with quiet power, like prophecy come to life.

"I have been a leader too soon. It is not I who must prove myself to the people, but the people who must now prove themselves to me. Until then, I must not lead them, or all hope is lost."

<waitwaitwait....this part is super>

Standing there, erect, masculine, masterful in his black war wizard outfit, he looked as if he could be posing for a statue of who he was: the Seeker of Truth, rightfully named by Zeddicau Zu'l Zorander, the First Wizard himself - and Richard's grandfather. It had nearly broken Zedd's heart to do so, because Seekers so often died young and violently.

While he lived, a Seeker was a law unto himself. Backed by the awesome power of hes sword, a Seeker could bring down kingdoms. That was one reason it was so important to name the right person - a moral person - <who smashes the jaws of little girls>to the post.

<blahblahblah>

"the only sovereign I can allow to rule me is reason. The first law of reason is this: what exists, exists; what is, is. From this irreducible, bedrock principle, all knowledge is built. This is the foundation from which life is embraced. <this is one of the wizards rules, it turns out>

~Terry Goodkind, Faith of the Fallen

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Can some one please explain TG's obsession with Statues to me? Its getting a little wierd that they appear so frequently in the quotes!

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Standing there, erect, masculine, masterful in his black war wizard outfit,

I wish I had a black war wizard outfit. Then I could be erect and masculine too. :cry:

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And you said you had had a great idea of your own too eh ;)

I would also like to point out that 14th Dragon made a suggestion too - you have more than enough material to keep you going for the rest of the week now MM. Keep up the good work old chap. :)

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Standing there, erect, masculine, masterful in his black war wizard outfit,

Outfit????

what is this some twisted fancy dress party he's going to?

How about robes, tunic, gown... ANYTHING more interesting and descriptive than "Outfit" :bang:

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"If I lead us into this war, we will lose. A great many people will die for nothing. The result will be a world enslaved by the Imperial Order. If I don't lead our side in battle, the world will still fall under the shadow of the Order but far fewer people will die. Only in that way will we ever stand a chance."

I was getting worried here. It seemed that Goodkind had inadvertently stumbled onto an interesting/reasonable plot here. Of course the more he/Richard talks the more and more twisted it becomes and we're quickly back in the comfort zone of idiocy.

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"What is, is"??? The wizards need a rule for this? Good job they're about, eh?

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And you said you had had a great idea of your own too eh ;)

I would also like to point out that 14th Dragon made a suggestion too - you have more than enough material to keep you going for the rest of the week now MM. Keep up the good work old chap. :)

My idea will have to be spaced out over time, it's gonna take several posts methinks. What was 14D's suggestion? I forgot.

Outfit????

what is this some twisted fancy dress party he's going to?

How about robes, tunic, gown... ANYTHING more interesting and descriptive than "Outfit" :bang:

It's better than "war wizard getup".

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"What is, is"??? The wizards need a rule for this? Good job they're about, eh?

Well the other rule is that people are too stupid to figure anything out unless Goodkind spells it out for them in tortured prose and half-assed metaphor.

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Outfit????

what is this some twisted fancy dress party he's going to?

How about robes, tunic, gown... ANYTHING more interesting and descriptive than "Outfit" :bang:

robes, tunic gown? I don't know, but somehow the description evokes more like the image of a metal studded tanga complete with whip etc. Outfit of some sort I guess.

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metal studded tanga complete with whip etc

Aaaaaaarghhh!!! :sick:

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So, apparently this was discussed, but never made it as the Terry Goodkind Quote of the Day. And theMountaingoat has been harping on about it. So here it is in all its glory. I believe I’ll make this the first in an ongoing segment called “Kahlan is really a whoreâ€.

In order to enter the Temple of the Winds to stop a magic plague from killing everybody, the spirits decree that Richard and Kahlan have to be wed. But not to each other. Richard has to marry Nadine, a girl he grew up with (she’s a real tramp, as has been previously demonstrated in this feature), and Kahlan has to marry Richard’s half brother, Drefan, who turns out to be a rapist and a murderer. They are instructed by the spirits that not only must they wed and consummate the marriage, they are told to “indulge†themselves. So the happy couples are led away to where they can do it, and there is some pretty lame sex. It’s not entirely Kahlan’s fault, since she’s a virgin and its her time of the month. After the sex, nothing happens. Kahlan realizes that this is because she didn’t indulge herself enough, and decides to give it another shot. She also decides that she wants it.

Her anger at the spirits for taking everything from her was what finally made something inside her snap. <Kahlan also has a “thingâ€> This was all she had. She was entitled to this much – to release.

When her hand touched Drefan’s back, he jumped. Kahlan smoothed her hand across the muscles of his back, and he settled. She let herself feel his muscles, as she used to feel Richard’s muscles, feel his shape. She took a deep breath, and she let herself go.

Kahlan’s hand moved down Drefan’s back. She gritted her teeth as she gripped his buttocks. They were as tight as they looked in his trousers. She was lucky, she guessed; the spirits could have insisted that she marry a repulsive man. Instead, they had insisted that she marry Drefan, and he was far from repulsive. AHe wasn’t as handsome as Richard, no one was as handsome to her as Richard, but women were always fawning over Drefan. Now, he was her husband. He had pledged to be loyal to her. She had pledged to be loyal to him.

This was the only pleasure she was to be allowed. This was all the spirits had left her. At least she could have this much – have what she was entitled to.

Kahlan seized Drefan’ hip and rolled him over, toward her. She hooked her leg over his, and let her hand roam over his chest. Drefan didn’t react. Maybe he was surprised by her change of behavior. Maybe he was confused. She would have to unconfused him. She gently pinched one of his nipples, then let her hand slide across his flat stomach, and down.

Kahlan found that Drefan was in no condition to do her any good. If she wanted to have her pleasure, she would have to change that.

She kissed his chest. She trailed wet kisses down his stomach. His breathing seemed slow. Kahlan felt frustrated anger that he wasn’t taking the hint. She was tired of being frustrated, while everyone else wasn’t.

She decided that if she wanted to have satisfaction, it was up to her to see to it that she got what she wanted. No one would give it to her – she would have to take it. Kahlan let her tongue, her kisses, glide the rest of the way down Drefan’s taut belly.

When she took him in her mouth, she tasted her own blood. She forced herself to ignore the taste as she urged him to react. <need I say :sick: >

At first she thought he wasn’t going to, but when she lost herself in the erotic nature of what she was doing, he finally did. He came back as strong as before.

By the time Drefan was fully ready, Kahlan was panting with need. Once she had decided to have her pleasure, she became insistent. Drefan was her husband now. It was his duty to fulfill her needs, too, not just his own.

Kahlan’s head was spinning with the want of release. That it was Drefan no longer mattered. In her mind, she imagined it was Richard. At that thought, she moaned with longing and climbed atop him, straddling his hips.

This time, she was ready to accept him. This time, she wanted him. She shut it out of her mind that this was Drefan and imagined it was Richard. Since she couldn’t see Drefan’s blue eyes, it wasn’t hard to envision it was Richard, instead.

She remembered the things she did with Richard, and did those things. She relived that experience in her imagination. Her mouth gaped. She gasped for air. Sweat ran down her body as she moved atop him, writhing forcefully against him.

Drefan was panting now, too. She needed to have release from all the frustration that had built up for so long – all the times she had kissed Richard, and wanted to do more; all the times he had touched her, and she had wanted him to do more. Now, he was.

Kahlan leaned forward, to kiss him. Drefan turned his face away. She scooped her arm under his head, and held him to her chest, instead. His face felt hot against her breasts. The roughness of his unshaved face excited her as she slid her sweaty flesh against him. It made her pant all the more.

She was just about to scream at him to put his hands on her, when she remembered that she wasn't allowed to utter so much as a word. <did I mention that rule?> She seized his wrist and put first one hand whre she wanted it, and then the other, to hold her bottom while she moved - so she could imagine it was Richard holding her again, needing her. She wanted to feel him grippping her in his big hands while she moved.

For the first time since she had last been with Richar, she felt wild pleasure, wild lust, a wild, desperate need. That it was with Drefan no longer mattered to her. She wanted only release.

It came with stunning, ridged shivers. Her sharp moan shook her shoulders. Her legs stiffened to stone. Her toes clawed. < :o > She slammed herself down on him as the wanton fulfillment of lust inundated her. She gave herself over to it completely, and with helpless, unbridled abandon let it run free. She gasped sharply again, the cry following in the ecoing wake of the first. It seemed that it lasted an eternity, as if it was almost too much to endure. With a final convulsion, it subsided. At last, it was over.

<blahblahblah>

For a wonderful moment, she had been free of everything, and had been with her love, if only in her imagination. Kahlan realized that she was weeping with the joy of it. <people do this way to much in this series>

<blahblahblah>

Dear spirits, what had she just done? She had enjoyed herself, that was all. She had needed the release. Then why did she suddenly feel so dirty? <cuz she's a whore?>

<blahblahblah>

"Drefan, listen to me. You must promise. You can never tell what just happened, what I just did with you." Her hand tightened. Her fingernails dug into his arm. "I'll do whatever you tellme to do for the rest of my life, but you must promise me that you will never tell" - ribbons of lightning lit the room - Richard..."

Thunder crashed, jarring the ground. Lightning snaked along the bottoms of the clouds, lighting the room with a harsh glare.

In the flickering flashes, gray eyes were fixed on her.

"I think 'Richard' already knows."

Kahlan screamed.

~Terry Goodkind, Temple of the Winds

The old switcheroo has revealed Kahlan as a dirty little tramp. Ha Ha ha.

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