Goodkind XVIII: Naked Mole Rats of Discord

[WLU]

DO NOT GO POSTING INSULTS ON ANOTHER FORUM AND THEN COME BACK HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT![/b

This may sound harsh (I have done plenty of TG-bashing myself in the past) but we've had Yeard fans bombarding this site with complaint PMs before and we've even had them bothering GRRM with emails and complaining about this kind of stuff, which I'm sure we want to avoid.

Party pooper Ah well, I forgive you 'cos of your awesome map of the Malaz world. Which gets :thumbsup: So you're net thumbage is +1

I second the Wolf Maid's awesomeness of the Shaker of Booty. Genius.

I've come from my temporary retirement to post this little snipped from Reaper's Gale. It's a scene with Tehol, speaking to a woman (that's the only spoilery bit). It pretty much stands without any context.

"Common for those fools who confuse love with worship - all to feed their paltry egos, I might add. Usually men, too. Married men. It's pathetic-"

Pretty much fits my feelings regards the 'Confessor' powers - it's not love, and if that's your idea of love, no wonder you write such shitty relationships.

[Myshkin]

Min, you are a goddess! In fact, I hereby name you Patron Saint of Parodies and Smut of The Church of Discord of Latter Day Lemmings.

[The Wolf Maid]

Pretty much fits my feelings regards the 'Confessor' powers - it's not love, and if that's your idea of love, no wonder you write such shitty relationships.

The first time I read it, I liked the idea of the Confessor's powers. It had so much, I don't know, potential for angst and conflict. Kinda badass to be able to touch someone and make them your devoted slave. But the way Terry handled it was just...blech.

WLU, I agree. I was surprised a bit when Kahlan said it as 'love'. While I know many people do certain stilly things for 'love', I doubt eating ones balls would be one (kinda reminds me of Van Gogh and his ear.).

[Jaxom 1974]

Bravo, Min! Bravo!

[Moosicus]

Little known facts about SoT:

-When Richard and Kahlan are having sex, Richard repeatedly whispers "bringer of death". Kahlan thinks its sexy.

-Zedd's overeating and skinny frame are a result of an eating disorder which goes back to his days as a runway model.

-Zedd claims that in the great war both sides called him "the wind of death", but this nickname actually goes back further to the fact that Zedd made the nastiest chili in the wizard's keep.

-According to Richard, the first edict of being a war wizard is "cut". The others are "a-ho, aha, guard, turn, parry, dodge, spin, thrust."

-The Mriswith are supposedly great powerful wizards from long ago who gave up all their magical powers in order to become invisible. What nobody has noticed yet is that this is incredibly retarded.

Feel free to add more.

[MinDonner]

Hmmm...

Gratch is actually a great, eloquent gar philosopher. It pleases him to slum it among the idiot humans and pretend to be a bit stoopid. His hilarious anecdotes about that dumb war wizard get him invited to all the best gar parties.

The namble has a sideline advertising Marks & Spencers loincloths with reinforced gusset; all inferior underwear gets ripped up by the barbs in less than an hour.

After running around for months in the same sweaty red leather outfits, the Mord Sith reek and no-one will go near them.

[Jaxom 1974]

3 out of every 4 Sisters of the Dark are afraid of the dark and prefer to sleep with nightlights on.

[Myshkin]

The Sword of Truth is actually only 4 1/2 inches long, but Richy tells everyone it's 6.

[Vestrit]

I've never read Terry Goodkind.

But can I just pay you guys the best compliment that I can think of, which is:

These Goodkind threads have actually made me want to read his work, just so I can fully get your guys' jokes and join in the fun.

Of course, I've read up-thread that we're not allowed to buy his books (I presume that's what Feeding the Yeard refers to) so I'll be borrowing them off friends or the library.

[Maltaran]

I've never read Terry Goodkind.

But can I just pay you guys the best compliment that I can think of, which is:

These Goodkind threads have actually made me want to read his work, just so I can fully get your guys' jokes and join in the fun.

Of course, I've read up-thread that we're not allowed to buy his books (I presume that's what Feeding the Yeard refers to) so I'll be borrowing them off friends or the library.

No need to actually read the books, just find the past threads and peruse Moose's Quotes of teh Day. That's what I did.

[VigoTheCarpathian]

Some additional little-known tidbits about SoT:

- When she was a teenager, Kahlan used her Confessor powers to force beggars and orphans to do her chores. After her chore-slave was done, she ordered them to dig a hole and bury themselves in it.

- Although it may seem like they have good reasons for getting naked (to go into battle against a numerically superior force wearing nothing but paint, showing boobs to come in and kill wizards, etcetera), all the women in SoT are secretly just exhibitionist sluts.

- Samuel is Gollum's less successful step brother.

- Originally, Kahlan was going to be saved from the not-a-chicken (which was possessed by a chime) by a not-a-bald-eagle (that was possessed by moral clarity). However, this would've taken away from Richard's glory, so the scene was eliminated with extreme prejudice.

- The alternate to the statue Richard carves in Faith of the Fallen was a gigantic penis labelled "Freedom and Individuality", entering a puckered, scarred, and diseased anus marked "Communism, Collectivism, and Liberals" instead of just two people standing there.

- TG's initial vision for gars involved them speaking Spanish. It was supposed to be a heavy-handed and obvious parallel for how terrible he thinks immigration in the US is. However, this was cut for space reasons because it would've added 150 pages of Richard speeches to the book.

- In the final book of the trilogy-that-is-not-a-trilogy Confessor, any new characters will be named to by their stereotype (for instance, Zedd would have been "Wise Old Wizard").

[Agulla]

- Most of SOT readers read the books just for the story and don't care for its philosophy (neither they do care for the writing it would seem).

- Almost all SOT readers are completely convinced that they are reading fantasy.

- Unconfirmed information points out that Terry Goodkind never reads fantasy. He has someone else read Robert Jordan's WOT books to him while he is writing his unique SOT.

- It is said that Terry Goodkind is a very kind man when you meet him in person, and that it's his evil twin the one that answers his on-line interviews for him.

- There are rumors about Terry Goodkind running for president of the USA in a near future.

[Fanatic-Templar]

As promised, here is another exerpt from The Pointy Bits of Truth.

VII

At the peak of a particularly bleak rise, somewhat higher than the surrounding hillocks (which were high, but not quite as high,) Zeddicus Zeah found her sitting beneath a small twisted tree with long, gnarled branches that reminded him of willow roots. She was a young girl, very beautiful and obviously very much at home atop the strange looking man she was having sex with, seemingly oblivious to anyone who might be attracted by the sound of her ecstatic cries. He did not conceal his approach but moved straight to her side, smiling gently at her fresh ness and youth. She smiled back at him over her shoulder, and invited him to come join the fun, or else sit by the odd-shaped tree and she would see to him too.

The Prince of Zeah came to a halt several feet from her, but she quickly beckoned him closer. It was then that somewhere deep within him a small warning nerve twinged, some sixth sense not yet entranced by the hot sex tugged at him and demanded to know why this young girl should ask a complete stranger to have his way with her. There was no reason for this hesitation other than perhaps the innate distrust of the hunter has for all things out of place and time in nature, all this weirdo cultural diversity, but whatever the reason, it caused the highlander to pause. In that instant the lovers disappeared into vapour, leaving Zeddicus to face the strange looking tree on the barren rise.

For one second Zeddicus hesitated, unable to believe what had just occurred, his thing still risen. But the loose ground about his feet opened even as he paused, releasing a thick cluster of thick-gnarled barbed roots which wound themselves tightly about the young man’s ankles, holding him fast while other barbed roots searched for openings. Zeddicus stumbled over backwards trying to break free. For a moment he found his predicament to be ludicrous. But try as he might, he could not work free of those barbed roots. The strangeness of the situation increased almost immediately as he glanced up to see the strange root-limbed tree, previously immobile, approaching in a slow, languid motion. Thoroughly aroused now, Zeddicus dropped his pack and bow in one motion, unsheathing the ‘great sword’, realising the girl had been but an illusion to draw him within reach of the ominous tree.

He realised at once that the barbs contained some sort of rape-drug that was designed to put the plant’s victim to sleep, to render it helpless for easy disposition. Wildly, he fought the feeling seeping through his system, but soon dropped helplessly to his knees, knowing that the tree had won.

But amazingly, the rapist tree appeared to hesitate and then to inch slowly backward, coiling again in attack. Slow, heavy footsteps sounded behind the fallen prince, approaching cautiously. He could not turn his head to see who it was, and a deep bass voice warned him to stay motionless. The tree coiled expectantly to strike, but was then struck with shattering impact by his rescuer – a Gar. The strange thing was completely toppled by the blow.

Still heavily drugged from the barbs, Zeddicus felt the strong hands of his rescuer grip his shoulders roughly and force him to a prone position.

“Yuuu straaan guuurr duuumb. Yuuuu aaal moooos raaaaape byyy Naaammm buuuul treeee.â€

I'm especially fond of the namble-siren hentai tree. Of all my twisted creations, it is by far the most bizarre. I wonder if I can sell it to Wizards of the Coast?

[The Wolf Maid]

Little known facts about SoT:

There is actually a plant called moral celery in the SoT world.

In the SoT world, almost-rape happens so often to women it can almost be said as a form of hello.

Richard Rahl and Kahlan Amnell are in fact based on real people. Really.

[MinDonner]

Heh. I had a dream about the Sword of Truth last night. Richard was doing a lecture tour in disguise, going by the name of Ivor Biggun. Zedd was herding lemmings along Brighton beach, trying to get them to run into the sea. What have I become??

[Zap Rowsdower]

Heh. I had a dream about the Sword of Truth last night. Richard was doing a lecture tour in disguise, going by the name of Ivor Biggun. Zedd was herding lemmings along Brighton beach, trying to get them to run into the sea. What have I become??

Awesome! What did Richard and Zedd look like in your dream? I always pictured Richard looking either like Steven Seagal or Rober Z'Dar.

[Daralys]

Little known facts about SoT:

-When Richard and Kahlan are having sex, Richard repeatedly whispers "bringer of death". Kahlan thinks its sexy.

If I'm not mistaken, an old pseudonym for orgasm is "le petit mort". (Sorry if I'm butchering the French language; it's been a while since high school.) In this case, it's quite a bit of wishful thinking on Richard's part. Or does he think if he keeps repeating it that it'll make it true?

[MinDonner]

Well, Kahlan's Confessor power apparently depends on orgasm, and Richard's the only one it doesn't work on... yeah, "cos I love you" my arse.

[MinDonner]

Sorry about the double post, but Part 9 is now ready...

Truth is the Word Scene 9 - At the Drive-In

"Hurry up you guys, the movie's starting!" said Chandalen, as the P-Brains shuffled around trying to decide what to eat. Cara and Beata headed off to the hot-testicle stand to pick up everyone's order.

The queue was long, but Cara was in no mood to wait, and struck the happy moviegoers down with her agiel until they got out of her way. Even Beata was shocked.

"Cara, what's up with you tonight? Is something wrong?"

Cara glared. "You know about the birds and the bees, right?" she said. Beata nodded.

"So yeah, when a bird almost-rapes a bee, or vice versa, then you get... little bees..." Cara continued

"Didn't you let Chase almost-rape you the other... oh!" Beata's mind raced. Of course!

"Now, don't tell anyone," cautioned Cara, as they walked back to the car in silence.

When they got back to the others, everyone rushed out to congratulate Cara, who glared at Beata.

"I didn't tell anyone!" she protested. "If you're expecting all the details to be consistent, you're in the wrong story. This is a serious examination of real human issues here, not some lame-ass fairy tale."

Meanwhile, Richard and Kahlan had parked on the other side of the drive-in. Richard was still insisting that he'd done nothing wrong at the dance, and refusing to apologise. Kahlan knew she should forgive him, because everything he did was right, but she was still pretty pissed off.

The movie played on in front of them; someone was trying to ban fire. Richard yawned, pretended to stretch, and suddenly he was grabbing Kahlan's boob!

"Get off me, you big perv!" she shrieked. How could Richard do this? Her mind raced. This couldn't be Richard; he would never almost-rape anyone.

The Richard-thing let out an evil chortle. Kahlan finally understood the concept of a Richard-that-was-not-a-Richard, but namble incarnate. The barbed cock burst out from the not-Richard's travelling pants, but Kahlan instantly painted herself white and slipped from its clutches. Slamming the car door on the unfortunate namble cock, she ran out of the drive-in, screaming.

The real Richard spotted her leaving. "Kahlan, stop! You can't walk out of a drive-in! That would be a contradiction, and contradictions do not exist in reality, neither in whole nor in part!" She didn't even slow down.

Rage sprang from Richard's eyes. As sausages danced across the movie screen proclaiming that Meat is Good, he sang a sad song about what a dick he looked, having his girlfriend mistake him for a namble and then dump him. Then he ripped out the namble's spine for good measure.

[The Wolf Maid]

Awww. Poor Richard. I almost feels sorry for him.