Toth

What returning to Fallout does to people: When jogging yesterday I saw two crown caps on the ground. My goblin brain immediately went to "LOOT!"

Well, inspired by the hype about the TV Show I have picked up Fallout 76 again and having a really good time, actually. And... in the best Skyrim throwback, I just realized I'm playing a stealth archer again as I am running around with a hunting and a sniper rifle, clearing out enemies by sneaking around. Mostly because at the moment it seems to be the most ammo efficient way to go about things. Everything else feels like a pea shooter most of the time because I have so few damage-increasing perks as of yet. And on top of that it causes me to be utterly buried in .308 ammo. Already got a near complete T-45 power armor, though now the tricky issue is to get enough fusion cores to make wearing it actually viable. Aside from that... well, I feel a bit restricted by how slow I'm leveling. Still creeping around at only level 21 and after getting chased out of the Whitesprings Resort recently by a horde of lvl 60 ghouls made me reconsider doing main quests that lead to the east where the level cap is higher. I wonder whether I should relocate my camp to a nice remote place and spend some time dicking around building a house and maybe even buy a fusion core charger from the Atom Shop, given how I've saved up a bunch already... that and the ammunition converter seem to be the most useful camp items to have at the moment.

That I'm intending to try during scorching summer heat.

I guess she was used to it... I would be seriously worried about the mental state of the women this would work on... Also you forget one small detail: I'm German. We don't talk to strangers unless we have a very good reason to do so. That goes doubly for asking someone out. Which is why, at least in my view, the only valid angles are dating apps (where everyone should be on the same page of why they are there) or by befriending people in Real Life and seeing where things go. Heck, even the latter only works in a framework that allows you to meet regularly and get to interact with people. I guess, yes, that's part of the reason I'm trying to go to meetups these days. Right now I only go to a board game evening every Sunday, though notably my only interaction with a woman there as of yet was exchanging awkward grimaces with a shy Russian girl when we arrived early and waited for someone to open a table and collect us. On the other hand regularly going to my favorite park to get out of the house and correct exams there had been more of a drain on my mood, being quite literally surrounded by SO many couples picnicking there, while I just sit there alone, reading or working. There had been a couple of situations where I was close to considering striking up a conversation, but in the end decided against it, again, because it just doesn't seem appropriate to bother strangers. There was one scene where two women suddenly came up and started to play badminton essentially in my face, because there was an empty spot in front of me and I thought about joking whether I need to take cover, as the ball kept landing near me. Oh, and the last weekend there was one odd scene where I retreated to a park bench because I started to get boiled in the sun and after a while a girl sat down beside me, sniffling and typing furiously at her phone as I was busy working through my stack of exams. I couldn't help but glance a few times at her. I suppose I was primed by the amount of kissing couples everywhere being particularly prominent that day and it somehow awakened some primal protector instinct, wondering whether she got stood up or anything, but eventually decided that it could just as well be just an allergy and I shouldn't bother her. What made the scene all the more weird was when I was finished with my exams and stood up to go home, I glanced one last time at her and she looked straight at me. And I may have imagined things, but also putting on a smile. I just awkwardly nodded in return and went my way... Not sure what happened there.

Sigh. Some people's idea of gifts... Granted, I hate my birthdays with every fiber of my being and find them days to be depressed, so I would have actually preferred no gift at all, but still this is silly. A few months ago my mother scrolled through Lego stuff and was gushing about the Baby Yoda brick-built figure. My reaction was that I found ugly and horrifically expensive. So of course, my mother now ended up gifting me that thing for my birthday. I ended up building it and gifting it right back to her so that she can decorate her bedroom with it. So much money for a brown plastic turd...

Ah yes, indeed! (Hope he has gotten bored of it...)

I somehow doubt that. A conversation is still just a conversation. I also clicked back and... I was certain I already mentioned her before, but I couldn't find any post here or elsewhere, so I will mention this (again): I was a bit bummed out to hear that she will move away in a few months, which is why I asked her whether she was considering going to a convention next month, which would have been a great excuse to meet up in real life. Unfortunately she declined, saying she will likely be too busy (though oddly still keeping the option open to go spontaneously). At the same time however she said she'd like to meet up next year when her life is less defined by radical changes, but that's a long time off and I somehow doubt it will happen.

So I'm seeing reports that a Ukrainian Yak-52 trainer has shot down a Russian Orlan reconnaissance drone using its machine guns. That's old school, damn.

Am I missing something? Why would you do this to yourself? Meanwhile, I had a... reminder that trying to connect with people in a nerd space comes with its own downsides. I think I already told in another thread about how I was approached for my super niche cosplay at a con by a photographer trying to collect cosplayers of that niche franchise for a shoot. And how he's... weird, to say the least. With him threatening to throw me out of the group when I just casually mentioned a theme of the story, because one girl cosplays it despite having not yet read the story and he goes rabid about people using spoilers, or rather goes rabid when I use spoilers and does excuses when someone else posts something. He also seems to have a rather strong opinions about some conspiracy theories... Well, he now also started to just... write how he is lusting after some of the characters, in creepily explicit terms. You know, the same characters that some of the girls are cosplaying. I'm really just still there for trying to connect with others who are into the same story, because I literally know nobody else who is, but man he is making it hard to stay. Now comes in a situation last week. He met a bunch of new people to invite at a recent con and much to my surprise, one of them lives in my town, a stupendously pretty woman my age. I know it's hypocritical and creepy and pitiful, but since it's so rare to find someone who loves this story and since we have been hitting off quite well in chat, I couldn't help help but notice that she has to mention as of yet a boyfriend (something all the other girls are quick to mention in passing, for good reason I'm thinking)... now last week she all of a sudden initiated a chat with me first, asking for show recommendations, I was quick to ask what she's into and list some stuff and it lead to rather fluid back-and-forth... until this photographer dude suddenly popped in and started to ramble about loli hentai, instantly killing the conversation as we both awkwardly shuffled off. I literally sat there at the screen with an eye twitch and thoughts of murder.

Though I should note that cutting off contact doesn't necessarily have to be forever. I'm certainly no expert and have been accused of treating emotions like a robot, but I'm still convinced that the feelings can pass when you keep your distance for some time. In a year or so, or at the very least when you find yourself in a different spot of your life and have a fresh perspective, you could still tentatively reach out and reconnect as long as it doesn't bubble up again.

Well, I will keep that in mind. My life is busy right now anyway with exam season, civil servant status application, house hunting, then hopefully also therapy on the horizon. So I'm not eager to go dating just now, even though the loneliness and isolation is driving me crazy and my approaching 31st birthday isn't helping my impression that life is rushing past me at break-neck speed while I deep inside still feel like I'm still stuck at the exact same spot I was at 19. The thing about vulnerability right now however is that I am far too vulnerable deep down and it's confidence that I need. And I need it badly. Can't make anyone fall in love with me when they see my anxiety pop up. And yes, I know this is the opposite angle from the one you were talking about, but see, it's a bit hard to reflect on my own possible feelings when I never met anyone I could get interested in so far. I just know I'll have to work hard to always be my best possible self without exception and it's hard to endure the thought that even that will quite probably not be enough. I don't think "echtromantisch" is a word that exists... at least I don't know what you are trying to say with the combination. Also while I actually hadn't read Werther, I'm thinking my low self-worth may actually be a boon when it comes to unrequited love. I think I already told the story of the girl in high school I had the stereotypical butterflies for, back when I met her again last year and she acted as if I didn't exist. Where I successfully managed to swallow them down back when I was a kid and forget about it, causing me to be seen as downright unreasonable now when discussing it with people suffering from unrequited love and me being unable to relate at all. Have been called a robot a couple of times because of my pragmatic approach to blocking out emotions that I find rather distracting. I'm thinking as long as I'm not already entangled in a relationship, I could shrug it off if it happens again and surely won't act upon it in any self-destructive ways. Heck, when the bored Chinese student from Bumble said I shouldn't initiate anything again because she felt overwhelmed by me writing three times a week and that after me saying I'd totally like just being friends, but then had her standing me up at a second meeting she herself suggested, I pretty much just replied a flabbergasted "Sure." and never wrote her again, erasing her contact info half a year later when she never initiated again either. Not when deep down I'm thinking there is a good chance I will be perceived as worsening someone's life by being unintentionally distant or incapable of always motivating myself into initiating new things. Ultimately me myself right now am an incredibly boring person outside of being passionate about niche nerd interests. Getting the foot in seems incredibly hard when every glimpse behind my professional attitude may come off as a hint I may be some weird incel who later down the line could expose himself as a misogynistic ass, just because quite obviously no woman must have ever thought me worth anything romantically.

Shit. The conversation from Tuesday has caused my anxiety to flare up again in full force. I'm constantly ruminating that I don't deserve love because I could be incapable of feeling it myself and expressing it in the right way. There is just no hope... I have no concept of love, no reference point on how to feel it and how to express it. Trying to act confident and considerate may just end up hurting someone if I turn out to be incapable of backing it up...

The "knows how to behave" part just gave me flashbacks to a former colleague of mine telling "funny" dating stories of hers. She was a former model and actress before becoming theater teacher and was absurdly conventionally attractive. The thing is, she somehow almost entirely went out with rich snobs who behaved cartoonishly evil towards restaurant staff, apparently as an attempt to show off to her that they can get away with it. Given how she still kept downplaying it as "people with money are just eccentric", it really made me question her taste in men, I must admit, but I also take it as a sign that going after men with a lot of money may backfire. Granted, I can also see the point that a guy with less money may also get a complex about it and become nasty, because some people just have ego issues either way, but I'm certain there must be some kind of balance where the "vibe" is one where they look above becoming a hassle because of that.

I think the issue is that I saw myself so much even in his flaws that she mentioned... and that's in fact this, that I just... never felt that strongly about anyone. And have to wonder whether this is because I've almost never met a female single so far and therefore rationally held myself back, or whether I stifled my emotions with my anxiety or whether I'm just straight up asexual (for which I have also plenty of evidence and the guy in the story was quite upfront about being asexual, but willing to try it anyway for her's sake). So it sounds to me like as long as I'm not able to feel for someone as strongly as to loose all inhibitions, I don't deserve to be loved back, huh... Because quite frankly, selfishness is something I am very hesitant about either. At worst I am self-centered when I feel bad... Hey, I'm well aware that this ideal me is still just me and still has my flaws under the surface. That's exactly why this story resonated as much with me because her descriptions of it matched with how even in my own fantasies I see myself awkward as hell when it comes to sex and find the idea of intimacy far more desirable than any of the mechanics, if that makes any sense. Well no, she was perfectly clear about it that he was crossing all of her boxes with the sole exception that after a month she still needed to guide him in bed and that that killed all attraction to him. She ended up saying that they are still friends and that she hopes he gets together with someone who likes it less rough for him to make the experience he needs.

Well, the most comparable story I have is one new colleague last year demanding to know how a student like me sneaked into the staff room in the most conceited "I am worth so much more than you" way possible. Then again, the guy was an absolute psycho and now everyone who acted only bemused at my open hostility towards him is now saying they knew all along he was creepy, now that he has been fired. But yeah, I guess I should try to see it this way. Somehow... Had at least an amusing discussion on Discord about it recently with someone who shares the same fate. Also congrats to household merger of course!

Just came across a story of a girl complaining about her ex-boyfriend, where the guy behaved pretty much exactly like that ideal me that I have been fantasizing about, with him being very considerate, having long talks about wants and needs and trying to fulfill her every wish and... yet the story still ended with her dumping him for being awkward and inexperienced in bed and thus not making her feel desired enough. And they were 10 years younger than me. Sigh... I know the story of two strangers on the internet shouldn't concern me, but it still feels like a stab in the belly and makes me think that intimacy is impossible for guys like me...

The only end goal for that that I can think of would be to settle things with Iran once and for all, but that is also an inherently stupid thing to start, because the reaction of other Muslim nations really can't be anticipated there. Being the aggressor there nukes decades of normalization which were the only reason why so many Muslim nations have reacted to the Gaza war with verbal protest only. There is a good chance they'd exchange a situation with only one openly hostile neighbor left with one where almost everyone is hostile again.

We are also in a proxy war with Russia in Ukraine and I don't see France blow up the Russian embassy in Mali. The whole idea of a proxy war is to not directly attack the other one for fear of uncontrollable escalation. Therefore the Israeli attack was mindbogglingly stupid. If they hadn't done that, we would not have the risk of war at hand now. I just hope for once Netanyahu can swallow down his ego and everyone's temper can calm down. The ball is in his court. Eye for an eye needs to end right here.

Mmh. I've made the experience that trying to be cheeky about it always backfires with the other one never understanding what I try to get across. Granted, sometimes when someone asks for my age in visible astonishment, I have started to sometimes reply: "Old." Can't. I unfortunately don't have the genes for that. The most I can do is a mustache. Which I currently have... and contemplating to get rid of specifically to supplement my new attempt at acting more confidently. I'm musing that the also affects my confidence because it feels like something I actually don't like and only wear for that goal of looking older. Without it, I would look even younger, but I wouldn't have a reminder of my insecurity anymore. Does that make sense?

Maybe, but up until then, I find it rather a hindrance. When you get asked for ID when buying a lighter, because you need to be 14 to buy one, I think it's obvious that there is something wrong with the shape of my face. That happened two years ago. On top of that, just now I needed an ID photo for my personal file at work and rummaged through my old ID photos. I genuinely had trouble telling apart 10 years old photos from ones I had made a year ago...

Yesterday I was wished good luck for my high school final exam by an unknown student while I was camping outside the exam room for my monitoring duty. I... I really never get to look my age, can I?

I'm... hoping of course that it helped... but sometimes I'm not sure I've not prolonged my downwards spirals with all the hours mentally churning through the stuff I want to yell into the void... If I had shrugged and moved on I maybe would have been able to... or exploded at some point, I don't know. Though I have to note I'm conflicted as to how to proceed at my home situation at the moment. I feel my... attempt at creating a social me stands in conflict, obviously, with the sorry state of communication at home and I wonder whether I have to expand and adjust it to compensate. The thing is, for about a year I'm essentially giving my mother the silent treatment. Ever since I made the mistake of tentatively trying to express how I feel discouraged by her reflex to talk me out of anything I want to do and she absolutely exploded, trashing the house and threatening to destroy all my stuff while I'm at work for hours. Ever since then I just nod and say yes to anything, but otherwise try to get away with saying nothing at all. So far, she hadn't really minded it much for some reason, but now that I've spent the last two weekends completely outside the house and refuse to tell her where I was, she is getting really irritated and goes on regular rants about how much I must suck at my job if I am acting in front of students the same way I am acting towards her. At the same time, I guess partly now because of my renewed vigor to focus on attention, but also because I had two weeks of holiday while she didn't, I noticed just how extreme her habit of nonstop talking is. During the weekdays, she's wake up at 7 am and from then on started to talk to me as I was awoken by the cat anyway. And she continues no matter where she is, whether at the desk in my room, in the kitchen, in the bath or her bedroom, she is constantly commenting on every thing that is going through her mind, but still regularly expecting me to respond and getting upset when I don't. She does this until she leaves the house at 9:30 am and left me an anxious mess in that entire time. I then managed to have something of a productive day, but once she returns, she immediately continues and needs to tell me every little bit of what happened her today and why she hates her boss and all her coworkers, while I just sit frozen at the computer, having to close all my tabs and listen until she wanders off again to curse in the kitchen. In a way, I find it really sad. Clearly I'm her only confidante. After all, she has no friends or family she is on speaking terms either. I did once suggest to try and find a hobby, but she scoffed at the idea... And yet, as written above, she now seems to realize how distant I am gets mad about it. Well, on the other hand to say a positive thing she did, last Sunday she must have noticed how distressed I was when she all of a sudden wanted me to cook (which she usually never does, rarely even touching whatever I cook, complaining about me using ingredients she doesn't like) and I was panicking because I wanted to go out to a board game night. Eventually after I froze up and started cursing myself, she told me to at least get the garbage out on my way out, essentially giving me a push to do so. I was an hour late, but at least I went... ... so now I'm wondering whether I should pretend I am on good terms with her and talk normally to avoid the tense atmosphere at home to get worse. On the other hand, I just feel constantly miserable because I know my ideal self could talk to her about my sense of suffocation without making her go off... but then again, she has such a short fuse when she thinks I am acting to betray her that I absolutely can't risk it.

Damn... I believe my recent tabletop exposure and some recent conversations with new online acquaintances have turned me wistful. I really would love to DM at some point. I have familiarized myself with the role of a player in one-shots and now that Star Wars campaign I joined, but initially my fascination came from listening to D&D live games, with Dimension 20 and Brennan's extremely good DMing front and center. And now... I've got myself a bunch of one-page one-shots, inspired by the great DM from the fanfiction Discord, and on top of that bought myself a batch of dice, including some really pretty liquid core ones that caught my eyes, even though they feel more like dice-shaped snow globes rather than what I had initially envisioned from the store photos. And well... these past two weeks, after four months of wavering and flaking, I've ended up going to board game evenings at a bar. So far mostly just joining whatever table had a spot open and was willing to adopt me. At the same time I saw people just bring their own set of games, take an empty table and try to look inviting for anyone wandering along. And here I wonder whether one of these days I pack those dice and one-shots and a bunch of regular games in case nobody is interested and try my luck finding people curious enough for a brief impromptu adventure. Is that a bad idea? Ironically, I saw one of the board game meetups at a different day in that same group advertising one-page one-shots as a separate table. In fact, the exact same one-page one-shots that I got clued in on by the Discord DM, because apparently there is only one writer who does these. In any case, I wonder whether I overstep any boundaries trying...

This feeling of feeling like Sisyphus really resonates deeply with me and I can only encourage you to scroll up to my Eureka moment earlier. I think it is important to acknowledge that there will be no magical moment where you tell yourself "Great! I'm fixed now! Now I can finally do the things to make myself happy that I have put off all this time." I don't know how it is for you, and granted, it sounds like you are actually better integrated into having a social life than I am, but I am quite aware that even when I was nice and considerate, I always kept some degree of distance for fear of letting them see how troubled I actually am. Which naturally affects my posture and and makes me shy away from opening up or even just grasping opportunities to know people closer. Why would I ask them anything about themselves when I don't know them too well... wouldn't they ask me something first if they were truly interested? You see how that automatically creates distance. So for me, I think it is equally important to acknowledge that, while it is true that you can't just switch off your fears and anxieties, that at the same time fears and anxieties are things that only exist for you in your head and not necessarily in the image other people have of you. So for me, when I decide to create a "social self" that I let interact with people in a way I wish I could have always interacted with them, I certainly hope that many of my insecurities get smoothed over and I at least manage to get a foot into the door. Also I have to say, it's not just a role to play, it is still a part of me. That's why it is important to think about your core values and what you yourself envision you to be in different circumstances. How do you see your ideal self interact with people, both platonically and romantically? How do you see your ideal self express their interest in other peoples' lives? How do you see your ideal self react to people displaying different values to your own? How do you see your ideal self resolve conflicts? Having a guideline like this at the very least gives a bit of security to cling to.

Sigh... I'm sorry. I know I really shouldn't vent, but I feel like I need to. The thought of stepping back into the "world" of dating as a 30 years old guy who has never successfully made that first step, just feels... daunting. Too daunting, actually. I've done a lot of soul-searching recently and decided for myself to not hold back anymore. I lost the last 12 years of my life taking care of my mother and it gave me a lot of anxiety about how people wouldn't understand my situation. So I always reflexively withdrew, even when I really wanted people in my life. Or rather, particularly when I knew I wanted to seek someone for my life, because it always felt unfair and selfish. I thought I was doing them a favor when I did. But now I want to act as my ideal self, even if my home situation hasn't changed. I can't wait any longer for me to miraculously love myself before I can get out. I can be interested in someone else's life, I can be kind and considerate even without reaching some imaginary "I am fixed now" point. So I went out into the world, grasping for opportunities... and all I did was noticing once again I am getting along really well with taken or otherwise unavailable women. I am having endless chats, exchanging interests, feel comfortable... and yet... while I appreciate their company, I am painfully well aware that they cannot help me with my deeper loneliness, my craving for intimacy and touch starvation. I find myself surrounded with couples, listening to stories of romantic bonds, of establishing trust and expressing wants and needs and I can't help but feel wistful. I want that as well! But have absolutely zero clue how to find someone and show them that kindest possible me that I have created for myself. I know this sounds like some "nice guy" crap, but I'm genuinely absolutely clueless about meeting singles and showing interest. And to some degree fear that the same attributes that make me seem so... "unthreatening" to taken women, would come across as repellent to women who are searching. I guess I'm also here because I had an odd conversation with female acquaintances on Discord yesterday urging me to give online dating another shot, telling me of their great experiences there, at the same time stressing that they themselves would never want to be approached in real life. They made it sound like Online Dating seems to be the only venue where you could find women that are actually seeking. But that caused me only discomfort because I have tried to avoid the apps because the utter silence on them was poison to my mental health. That is why I tried to make more acquaintances in real life in the first place. But ugh... I ended up looking through my old photos from my last attempt at online dating as I was weighing my chances. However I found that they are all horrible and became self-conscious again about how much I dislike my face and how impossible it feels to get across my new confident "social self" with that face in the way. I tried to make new photos while out, but they still don't feel different.