Toth

For mother's day I was trying out a very simple wok recipe with soba noodles, chicken breasts, miso, white soy sauce, sesame oil and sesame, garlic and spring onions, but of course my mother wouldn't touch it because it had too much rice vinegar in it. Sigh. Well, so much for that.

That's not how this works. Also really, a cold approach can't possibly work if you are as ugly and awkward as I am. I don't have the charisma to gain anyone's attention and don't have the social skills to keep it. Not to mention that I have a hard time taking an interest in anyone without getting to know them first and see whether there are any aligning interests and values. Sigh... to be honest, I shouldn't have posted here. I am now 31 and still am such a long, long way away from even being able to get even friends. This... this social stuff is just a complete mystery. How can people do that so easily? I'm already stressed from trying to go to a board game meetup once a week and constantly on the verge of freaking out about how much work I'm putting off for doing it. Last week the entire thing was eaten up by two groups of "Blood on the Clocktower", which is giving me Mafia/Werewolf PTSD from my school days. And such games where abusing mob mentality and being a backstabbing prick pay off are really not my thing when I'm pretty much as rigid in my sense of justice as Stannis. So I sat down and corrected exams waiting for more people to arrive to open up a table... but nobody did and so I went home. Then yesterday I completely defaulted my initial state of anxiety in regards to these meetups. I showed up, stood around... and there was barely anyone there. One already full table with regulars of a different day who went there together, then the Blood on the Clocktower game, finally one guy setting up a very complicated strategy game. I asked him about it, he very briefly explained it, but made it sound like he was waiting for other people to join. Then two more guys arrived, but just went with food into one corner instead of playing, so... in the end, I just went home again as my anxiety about having no time for this ultimately won. Wasted three hours just to correct two exams on the train ride and that was it... I'm having flashbacks to how I joined a political party, but can never get to any of the meetups because I lack a car and they keep meeting in remote villages on days where I'm swamped with work. And even when I go, I have a heard time connecting with anyone and spend half the time planning lessons in my notebook instead of listening because I have no clue what's going on because I missed the last 10 meetings. And why? Because I'm spending my weekends in a constant state of anxiety and distractions with my productivity plummeting because my loneliness and exhaustion is sucking out my creativity. It's a vicious cycle because my lack of productivity is why I'm having so much stuff left to do to be anxious about. ... so... sorry for the rant, but I'm not in a good space right now and feel like I very much can't ever be loved because of all these failings and my other flaws.

What returning to Fallout does to people: When jogging yesterday I saw two crown caps on the ground. My goblin brain immediately went to "LOOT!"

Well, inspired by the hype about the TV Show I have picked up Fallout 76 again and having a really good time, actually. And... in the best Skyrim throwback, I just realized I'm playing a stealth archer again as I am running around with a hunting and a sniper rifle, clearing out enemies by sneaking around. Mostly because at the moment it seems to be the most ammo efficient way to go about things. Everything else feels like a pea shooter most of the time because I have so few damage-increasing perks as of yet. And on top of that it causes me to be utterly buried in .308 ammo. Already got a near complete T-45 power armor, though now the tricky issue is to get enough fusion cores to make wearing it actually viable. Aside from that... well, I feel a bit restricted by how slow I'm leveling. Still creeping around at only level 21 and after getting chased out of the Whitesprings Resort recently by a horde of lvl 60 ghouls made me reconsider doing main quests that lead to the east where the level cap is higher. I wonder whether I should relocate my camp to a nice remote place and spend some time dicking around building a house and maybe even buy a fusion core charger from the Atom Shop, given how I've saved up a bunch already... that and the ammunition converter seem to be the most useful camp items to have at the moment.

That I'm intending to try during scorching summer heat.

I guess she was used to it... I would be seriously worried about the mental state of the women this would work on... Also you forget one small detail: I'm German. We don't talk to strangers unless we have a very good reason to do so. That goes doubly for asking someone out. Which is why, at least in my view, the only valid angles are dating apps (where everyone should be on the same page of why they are there) or by befriending people in Real Life and seeing where things go. Heck, even the latter only works in a framework that allows you to meet regularly and get to interact with people. I guess, yes, that's part of the reason I'm trying to go to meetups these days. Right now I only go to a board game evening every Sunday, though notably my only interaction with a woman there as of yet was exchanging awkward grimaces with a shy Russian girl when we arrived early and waited for someone to open a table and collect us. On the other hand regularly going to my favorite park to get out of the house and correct exams there had been more of a drain on my mood, being quite literally surrounded by SO many couples picnicking there, while I just sit there alone, reading or working. There had been a couple of situations where I was close to considering striking up a conversation, but in the end decided against it, again, because it just doesn't seem appropriate to bother strangers. There was one scene where two women suddenly came up and started to play badminton essentially in my face, because there was an empty spot in front of me and I thought about joking whether I need to take cover, as the ball kept landing near me. Oh, and the last weekend there was one odd scene where I retreated to a park bench because I started to get boiled in the sun and after a while a girl sat down beside me, sniffling and typing furiously at her phone as I was busy working through my stack of exams. I couldn't help but glance a few times at her. I suppose I was primed by the amount of kissing couples everywhere being particularly prominent that day and it somehow awakened some primal protector instinct, wondering whether she got stood up or anything, but eventually decided that it could just as well be just an allergy and I shouldn't bother her. What made the scene all the more weird was when I was finished with my exams and stood up to go home, I glanced one last time at her and she looked straight at me. And I may have imagined things, but also putting on a smile. I just awkwardly nodded in return and went my way... Not sure what happened there.

Sigh. Some people's idea of gifts... Granted, I hate my birthdays with every fiber of my being and find them days to be depressed, so I would have actually preferred no gift at all, but still this is silly. A few months ago my mother scrolled through Lego stuff and was gushing about the Baby Yoda brick-built figure. My reaction was that I found ugly and horrifically expensive. So of course, my mother now ended up gifting me that thing for my birthday. I ended up building it and gifting it right back to her so that she can decorate her bedroom with it. So much money for a brown plastic turd...

Ah yes, indeed! (Hope he has gotten bored of it...)

I somehow doubt that. A conversation is still just a conversation. I also clicked back and... I was certain I already mentioned her before, but I couldn't find any post here or elsewhere, so I will mention this (again): I was a bit bummed out to hear that she will move away in a few months, which is why I asked her whether she was considering going to a convention next month, which would have been a great excuse to meet up in real life. Unfortunately she declined, saying she will likely be too busy (though oddly still keeping the option open to go spontaneously). At the same time however she said she'd like to meet up next year when her life is less defined by radical changes, but that's a long time off and I somehow doubt it will happen.

So I'm seeing reports that a Ukrainian Yak-52 trainer has shot down a Russian Orlan reconnaissance drone using its machine guns. That's old school, damn.

Am I missing something? Why would you do this to yourself? Meanwhile, I had a... reminder that trying to connect with people in a nerd space comes with its own downsides. I think I already told in another thread about how I was approached for my super niche cosplay at a con by a photographer trying to collect cosplayers of that niche franchise for a shoot. And how he's... weird, to say the least. With him threatening to throw me out of the group when I just casually mentioned a theme of the story, because one girl cosplays it despite having not yet read the story and he goes rabid about people using spoilers, or rather goes rabid when I use spoilers and does excuses when someone else posts something. He also seems to have a rather strong opinions about some conspiracy theories... Well, he now also started to just... write how he is lusting after some of the characters, in creepily explicit terms. You know, the same characters that some of the girls are cosplaying. I'm really just still there for trying to connect with others who are into the same story, because I literally know nobody else who is, but man he is making it hard to stay. Now comes in a situation last week. He met a bunch of new people to invite at a recent con and much to my surprise, one of them lives in my town, a stupendously pretty woman my age. I know it's hypocritical and creepy and pitiful, but since it's so rare to find someone who loves this story and since we have been hitting off quite well in chat, I couldn't help help but notice that she has to mention as of yet a boyfriend (something all the other girls are quick to mention in passing, for good reason I'm thinking)... now last week she all of a sudden initiated a chat with me first, asking for show recommendations, I was quick to ask what she's into and list some stuff and it lead to rather fluid back-and-forth... until this photographer dude suddenly popped in and started to ramble about loli hentai, instantly killing the conversation as we both awkwardly shuffled off. I literally sat there at the screen with an eye twitch and thoughts of murder.

Though I should note that cutting off contact doesn't necessarily have to be forever. I'm certainly no expert and have been accused of treating emotions like a robot, but I'm still convinced that the feelings can pass when you keep your distance for some time. In a year or so, or at the very least when you find yourself in a different spot of your life and have a fresh perspective, you could still tentatively reach out and reconnect as long as it doesn't bubble up again.

Well, I will keep that in mind. My life is busy right now anyway with exam season, civil servant status application, house hunting, then hopefully also therapy on the horizon. So I'm not eager to go dating just now, even though the loneliness and isolation is driving me crazy and my approaching 31st birthday isn't helping my impression that life is rushing past me at break-neck speed while I deep inside still feel like I'm still stuck at the exact same spot I was at 19. The thing about vulnerability right now however is that I am far too vulnerable deep down and it's confidence that I need. And I need it badly. Can't make anyone fall in love with me when they see my anxiety pop up. And yes, I know this is the opposite angle from the one you were talking about, but see, it's a bit hard to reflect on my own possible feelings when I never met anyone I could get interested in so far. I just know I'll have to work hard to always be my best possible self without exception and it's hard to endure the thought that even that will quite probably not be enough. I don't think "echtromantisch" is a word that exists... at least I don't know what you are trying to say with the combination. Also while I actually hadn't read Werther, I'm thinking my low self-worth may actually be a boon when it comes to unrequited love. I think I already told the story of the girl in high school I had the stereotypical butterflies for, back when I met her again last year and she acted as if I didn't exist. Where I successfully managed to swallow them down back when I was a kid and forget about it, causing me to be seen as downright unreasonable now when discussing it with people suffering from unrequited love and me being unable to relate at all. Have been called a robot a couple of times because of my pragmatic approach to blocking out emotions that I find rather distracting. I'm thinking as long as I'm not already entangled in a relationship, I could shrug it off if it happens again and surely won't act upon it in any self-destructive ways. Heck, when the bored Chinese student from Bumble said I shouldn't initiate anything again because she felt overwhelmed by me writing three times a week and that after me saying I'd totally like just being friends, but then had her standing me up at a second meeting she herself suggested, I pretty much just replied a flabbergasted "Sure." and never wrote her again, erasing her contact info half a year later when she never initiated again either. Not when deep down I'm thinking there is a good chance I will be perceived as worsening someone's life by being unintentionally distant or incapable of always motivating myself into initiating new things. Ultimately me myself right now am an incredibly boring person outside of being passionate about niche nerd interests. Getting the foot in seems incredibly hard when every glimpse behind my professional attitude may come off as a hint I may be some weird incel who later down the line could expose himself as a misogynistic ass, just because quite obviously no woman must have ever thought me worth anything romantically.

Shit. The conversation from Tuesday has caused my anxiety to flare up again in full force. I'm constantly ruminating that I don't deserve love because I could be incapable of feeling it myself and expressing it in the right way. There is just no hope... I have no concept of love, no reference point on how to feel it and how to express it. Trying to act confident and considerate may just end up hurting someone if I turn out to be incapable of backing it up...

The "knows how to behave" part just gave me flashbacks to a former colleague of mine telling "funny" dating stories of hers. She was a former model and actress before becoming theater teacher and was absurdly conventionally attractive. The thing is, she somehow almost entirely went out with rich snobs who behaved cartoonishly evil towards restaurant staff, apparently as an attempt to show off to her that they can get away with it. Given how she still kept downplaying it as "people with money are just eccentric", it really made me question her taste in men, I must admit, but I also take it as a sign that going after men with a lot of money may backfire. Granted, I can also see the point that a guy with less money may also get a complex about it and become nasty, because some people just have ego issues either way, but I'm certain there must be some kind of balance where the "vibe" is one where they look above becoming a hassle because of that.