Gun Street Girl Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 "A friend" recently started recovery. This person reduced their alcohol intake to none...and then their spouse announced that a night out was planned, and this person was expected to attend.To be precise: I live in a place where going to a pub and not consuming alcohol is rare and would attract comment. It is too soon, and I can't do it. Am I wrong to be angry? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercenaryChef Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Spouse is a shithead.If this person is in recovery they should be afforded the safety and space needed to help recover. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lessthanluke Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 "A friend" recently started recovery. This person reduced their alcohol intake to none...and then their spouse announced that a night out was planned, and this person was expected to attend.It is too soon, and I can't do it. Am I wrong to be angry?Their spouse sounds like an asshat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gun Street Girl Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 Well... I think he may be in denial about my condition. Not a great excuse, but...Shit, I don't know. I just expected a bit more support than this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinDonner Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Spouse is a dick. And this would be the case even if recovery was not an issue. "Expected to attend"? Fuck that shit. Go if you want to, go if you are able to, but don't go just cos spouse "expects" it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gun Street Girl Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 They are my friends too, yet I have a hard time telling them about why I can't be drinking with them. It's too soon. I'm only "out" with this recently, and I'd like to tell folk in my own time, when I am ready. That's ok, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrum Aeternum Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 They are my friends too, yet I have a hard time telling them about why I can't be drinking with them. It's too soon. I'm only "out" with this recently, and I'd like to tell folk in my own time, when I am ready. That's ok, right? You don't owe them any explanation about anything. There's frankly no excuse for your spouse not being more supportive to you in this. Getting over any addiction problem is difficult enough as it is without those in the immediate vicinity making things tougher. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liffguard Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 They are my friends too, yet I have a hard time telling them about why I can't be drinking with them. It's too soon. I'm only "out" with this recently, and I'd like to tell folk in my own time, when I am ready. That's ok, right? It's completely ok. Also, it shouldn't matter why you don't want to drink. You don't need to tell them why. "I don't want to drink" is perfectly sufficient. If they don't respect your wishes then how good a group of friends are they really? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gun Street Girl Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 You don't owe them any explanation about anything. There's frankly no excuse for your spouse not being more supportive to you in this. Getting over any addiction problem is difficult enough as it is without those in the immediate vicinity making things tougher.In total agreement. Is there anything I can say to help him understand? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gun Street Girl Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 It's completely ok. Also, it shouldn't matter why you don't want to drink. You don't need to tell them why. "I don't want to drink" is perfectly sufficient. If they don't respect your wishes then how good a group of friends are they really?They are terrific friends... It is just that I'm not ready to go public on this yet. I'm ashamed, and I'm not yet strong enough.What I mean is that I still want to but know I mustn't. And I'm not ready to go into all that yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrum Aeternum Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 In total agreement. Is there anything I can say to help him understand? That's a tough one for me to answer. In your situation I'd probably be very direct, blunt and profane. You could always say - "Grow up." This is a serious issue for you, and apparently he is more concerned about appearances in front of y'alls friends than in your well-being. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liffguard Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 They are terrific friends... It is just that I'm not ready to go public on this yet. I'm ashamed, and I'm not yet strong enough.What I mean is that I still want to but know I mustn't. And I'm not ready to go into all that yet. That's cool. What I mean is that you can tell your friends that you're not drinking without going into why. If they ask you can simply say that you don't feel like it or something equally non-specific. They aren't owed an explanation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gun Street Girl Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 Well.... I have tried the direct route, but it seems....there's a disconnect. I'm from a part of the U.S. that has close ties, let's say, from where he is from, yet he doesn't quite get it.I will keep on trying to tell him, but my main goal is keeping clean. Lotta phone calls back home, at this point. I've been scared to contact the local AA folks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gun Street Girl Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 That's cool. What I mean is that you can tell your friends that you're not drinking without going into why. If they ask you can simply say that you don't feel like it or something equally non-specific. They aren't owed an explanation.I can really do that? I don't wish to seem a moron... It's just where I live now, folk are really inquisitive, and gossipy, and I'd rather the whole town didn't know my flaws. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lessthanluke Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 I can really do that? I don't wish to seem a moron... It's just where I live now, folk are really inquisitive, and gossipy, and I'd rather the whole town didn't know my flaws. You can do whatever you want... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gun Street Girl Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 Gentlemen and ladies - wanted to thank you for your advice and support. Going to bed now, as its late my time, but... What I really want to say is that you guys helped me no end. Helped me keep sober when I was pissed off and upset. Means a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_BlauerDragon Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 I agree. Spouse is acting as a piece of rectal headgear. Stay strong. Stay sober. Be happy. B) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alester Florent Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 Standby excuses for not drinking if people ask and you don't want to discuss the real reason: I'm hungoverI'm on medicationI have to drive laterI'm pregnantAll the stuff here is pissI'm doing dry January/Lent/lifeI'm on a diet/detoxI recently qualified as an astronautI don't feel like it tonightIt's that jerk's fault (indicate spouse) Although the above is not entirely non-serious, it does sound like your spouse is really not being supportive at all here. Unlike some of the others I don't think it's unreasonable for people to query your choice of non-drinking, as it's a social activity and if they don't know the backstory and you previously have been drinking with them (and are meeting them at a drinking venue) it may seem odd and as if something's wrong. But it shouldn't take much more than a "nah, not tonight; really, it's fine" and ordering only soft drinks to get them to leave you alone, otherwise that's rather overly intrusive and pushy of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Manhole Eunuchsbane Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 Not thinking this would be the healthiest route longterm, but you could have your spouse provide you with non-alcoholic beverages during the evening and avoid raising attention altogether. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 Just my 2 cents, but I would say that if you commit to this but just aren't feeling it, this would be one of those times where it's OK to back out. Be selfish here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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