Goodkind XXIII: I recommend you start drinking heavily

[The Real Will]

I'm not sure how all of you death choosers could forget nipple magic. The most magical magic of all.

[word]

Wait a sec. Aren't the chimes of death the things that manifest as chicken-that-is-not-chicken?

I'll try to explain this the best that I can. First of all you have to forget all concepts of logic, or else you might as well stop reading.

Joseph Ander, some crazy smart wizard had the chimes on his tail, so to escape them he trapped them in huge bells. These bells were the main defense of his country in that when rung, they would kill everything in front of them. (But not behind them, makes sense I know) The haken's, mad geniuses that they were, put cotton in their ears to get past them and take over that particular country.

Now here's where it might get a little bit hard to follow... (oh wait, I think it was hard to follow starting with the word "Joseph") ...

Because Richard has/had 3 wifes, and Kahlan said the names of the chimes, the chimes entered the world and started sucking up magic. Even though they were already trapped in the world by Joseph Ander as mentioned earlier. Richards first wife was Du Chaillu because he killed 30 blademasters with heron mark blades, and because the spirits say so. To add more confusion, Kahlan did not marry Richard until after the chimes were free so it doesn't make sense for the chimes to be free...or DOES IT? According to Zedd, because when Dick said his vows to Nadine he was saying them to Kahlan in his heart, this not only made him married to Nadine, but also to Kahlan.

So here is the recap. The chimes are already in the world trapped in bells, as they have been for the last thousand or so years. The chimes were brought into the world by Richard within the past year, because he married three women in the most retarded explanation I have ever heard. One of the chimes possessed a chicken because they are not noble.

Now she knew his name....his name was Death!

ETA: I hope this helps alleviate/add to your confusion. Also I am not making any of this up, all this information is from the book and correct to my knowledge. Moose would probably be able to verify this.

[Piper]

That's stupid

[WLU]

I'll try to explain this the best that I can. [snip]...possessed a chicken because they are not noble.

Now she knew his name....his name was Death!

Oh. My. Fuck.

When I thought the Yeard had lost all ability to shock and disgust me, I encounter this. I wish you were kidding, but deep in my horrified heart, next to the cockles, I know you are not, and my fear grows. I can't even sputter. I'm past sputter. I'm onto stupefaction.

Goodkind puts the 'stupid' in 'stupefaction'.

My spelling is still better than his plotting.

[Tormund Ukrainesbane]

Let us not forget that while the chimes are in the bells, and in the chickens, they are also making old ladies throw themselves off cliffs. Also let us not forget that even though the chimes caused all magic in the world to go away permanently, the magic comes back for convienient deus ex machina's in the next book. Also they turn Zedd into a bird. (but not a chicken!)

[word]

Did you know if you say strawman three times in a row Tairy will show up and almost-rape you?

My mom used to tell me that to scare me when I was little. Needless to say I was an extremely responsible and diligent child.

Another common phrase in our household was: "A gang rape a day keeps the Yeard away."

I also want to point out that in my edit in the last post, when I say that it will alleviate and add to your concerns, that statement may at first appear to be a contradiction but it is in fact not. The first reason for this is that contradictions don't exist, and the second reason is that it alleviates your confusion about the chimes being the chicken and not the bell, but at the same time adds to your confusion because its the most convoluted idiotic plot ever.

[word]

Let us not forget that while the chimes are in the bells, and in the chickens, they are also making old ladies throw themselves off cliffs.

Thats what my final sentence was referring to. At the end of that chapter the lady is like "now she knew what his name was...it was Death." That's like right before she hits the ground.

[Mme Erzulie]

First, annoyed and peeved that time has erased my name from the collective lemming consciousness, I'd like to point out that my log-in name and original screen name is Mme Erzulie. That's right. And "putting the W in lemmings of discord" is clearly the best title suggestion for this thread. Wert, please explain yourself away (un)satisfactorily. Also, if the shitty weather here continues into next week, granting me free from my job, I vow to reclaim my fame in the Church of whatever you call it, by producing new installments in my sporking of WFR. It will be merciless. If it happens at all. Your fickle nature and memory have made awoken my thing, and I must now rise up and live my life.

Also, kudos to LPOP on a great parody. I've never read Neuromancer (?), but the celerity of your work shone clear and true through the shifty fog of relativism and compassion.

And in that last QOTD, am I the only one who noticed the blatant Martin rip-off? He took the very title of the series, manifested and sexualised it (of course), and tried (and until just now, apparently succeeded!). Instead of A Song Of Ice And Fire, we get the Tits Of Ice And Fire.

I wanted to say one more thing, but now I can't remember it.

AAAARRGGGH!!!

*rips out spine of next poster*

[Piper]

Instead of A Song Of Ice And Fire, we get the Tits Of Ice And Fire.

Goodkind XXIV: Tits of Ice and Fire

Subtitle: And you though he only ripped off Jordan

Oh, my spine. Oh well, it's just a flesh wound

[Fanatic-Templar]

...

Er...

...

*Plunges knife into his eye and tickles his brain a bit.*

Oh, I see! It all makes sense now. Thank you word.

*Dies slowly and happily, knowing that he leaves the world of Terry Goodkind's litterature for good.*

[penandink]

In all this discussion of magic, you somehow forgot the Slides, who steal people's souls while their bodies are chained up, and make the souls inhabit birds for purposes of spying. Instead of, you know, possessing the birds. Slides are the Moste Evil of Beasties who, because they're so angry about being damned by teh evil sorceresses, decide to leave them alone and go after the goat instead. Because only truly evil people would abuse a poor noble goat.

[Moosicus]

First the Drefan dip, then nipple magic, now the Slide. Well, things get missed. In addition to the Official Dictionary of the Lemmings of Discord and the W's rants, should we also put together The Official Lemmings of Discord Comprehensive List of Everything Stupid about Tairy? Or would that take too long? Perhaps it would never end? Maybe these threads are that list.

[penandink]

Everything stupid about Tairy would just be . . . I don't think even you guys have time to put that one together. How about just "everything stupid about Tairy's magic"? Looks like we've got a good head start at this point. And it will still include nipple magic, which is actually in some ways worse than namble cock. I mean, sex to receive something male into something female at least makes sense on a twisted level. But controlling someone through their freaking nipple? . . . Never mind. Not going to get into it.

[Mme Erzulie]

*twists pen's nipple*

[Myshkin]

We also forgot the Sliph, who was a whore but got turned into a magic teleporter. Oh, and the giant lizard guys with badass ninja skillz, I can't remember what they were called but the rocked!

[word]

Miswrith? They are wizards who gave up their power to become invisible. I mean I know I would rather be invisible than shoot fire, grow back beards, and create antidotes.

[Myshkin]

Miswrith? They are wizards who gave up their power to become invisible. I mean I know I would rather be invisible than shoot fire, grow back beards, and create antidotes.

No, they are wizards who gave up their power for a cape which made them invisible. Their only known enemy is the furry dinosaur.

[VigoTheCarpathian]

Yes, there are many other facets to Tairy's well-thought-out and perfectly logical world of magic, including the mriswith, which I believe is what Myshkin is referring to:

(Wikipedia, The Sword of Truth)

Mriswith are former wizards that were transformed by use of additive and subtractive magic, and thus gave up conventional use of their gift. They were first created during the Great Wizard War 3000 years earlier, and were used by the wizards from the Old World.

For use as weapons against the wizards of New World, they are serpent like creatures that wear a cloak that can make them or other wizards with both sides (additive and subtractive) of the gift blend entirely with their surroundings. This cloak also makes the wearer undetectable by those with only the additive side of the gift but can still be detected by wizards with the subtractive side, making everyone vulnerable to attack.

Basically, mriswith are kind of like Gollum mixed with draconeans from Dragonlance, and Richard almost succumbs to the power of the cloak he took from them. [Aside, this is sort of like Samuel succumbed to the Sword of Truth, much like Gollum. Essentially, Richard is the only one with the singular will to wield the SoT, much like Sauron and his ring of power.]

As well:

Prophets

Another exceedingly rare breed of wizard is a Prophet. Prophets tap into magic's ability to foresee potential events of the future. Prophets are described as being the gardeners of the tree of prophecy, an analogous term for the entity that would be all past, present, and future prophecy. The idea is that prophets will be able to discern what is going to happen at a future point.

Prophets can see the future: but not really. What with the forked prophecies and chainfires occuring all the time, a prophet can pretty much just make up whatever he wants to, and no one will be the wiser.

Sorcerors

The only known Sorcerer is Brother Narev, the spiritual leader of the Imperial Order and Emperor Jagang's mentor. Sorcerers, we are told by Nicci, are as rare as War Wizards. The main feature of Sorcerers is that their magic can't be divided in subtractive and additive parts, giving them the ability to enhance and recreate some spells made by wizards with additive and subtractive magic. They also possess the unique property that their magic cannot affect a wizard and a wizard's magic cannot affect them.

Sorcerors are not affected by divisive magic: therefore, they wield imaginative number magic. Also, when they duke it out with a war wizard, it looks like two kids hitting each other with Nerf swords.

Witches

Currently there are two witch women in the series, a woman named Shota, and another witch woman named Six. Witch women are talked about as being very powerful women, but as yet we are unclear as to what exactly their powers entail. It is stated that Witch Women are able to see events in the flow of time, which is also a form of prophecy, however the events that they can see, while true, ultimately don't occur as one might expect.

Witches are kinda like prophets, but not really, and serve only as plot devices. An evil that Richard has to deal with occasionally, but hopefully he will eliminate them in the near future, much like Prez Bush and Congress.

Warlocks

Very little is known of warlocks, except for a passing reference of them by Zedd. Basically, warlocks are a hanging chad that Tairy probably forgot all about.

As anyone can see, there is great precision and attention to detail in Tairy's makeup of this magical system. It's almost scientific, and no spaghetti can bounce against his mighty bastion of consistency.

[Tormund Ukrainesbane]

*twists pen's nipple*

*Chooses life and eats Ezrulie's soul* hands off my sister!

Oh, and the giant lizard guys with badass ninja skillz, I can't remember what they were called but the rocked!

Mriswith. Who were wizards and decided to give up their amazing wizarding skillz for the real ultimate power of ninjosity. Apparently being a lizard with ninja skillz >>> being able to remake the world as you see fit.

Let us not forget the time warp on the White Tower Palace of Prophets. Which makes you age slowly so you only become old and feeble when you are 700 years old (the prelate) but somehow regain your youth and vigor when you are 1100 years old (Richards great granddaddy)

[The Wolf Maid]

Tairy claims to have made the magic system as "real" as possible (I'll let that sink in for a bit). But he also claims that magic isn't there to get his characters out of trouble, apparently Dick always has to use reason (which is laughable) when of course they always use magic to get them out of everything. It's already been pointed out how absurd the whole additive/subtractive magic business is, though one example jumped to mind from WFR. Dick is going on about Zedd's lack of a beard. All wizards have beards, he claims. Zedd uses additive magic to "add" a beard (not yeard) to his face. However, the First Wizard, the Wind of Death himself, still has to use a razor to get rid of it, since only powerful subtractive magic can get rid of facial hair. Dick demonstrates this at the end of the next book by getting rid of his beard with one sweep of his hand. How I envy him.

Please tell me this isn't an actual 'quote' from the book, because really, it's 730 am here, and I don't think I can stand this much stupid early in the morning.

Sword of Truth fanfic? Now I'm really glad I've taken an extended leave of absence from the Pit, else I could lose what little sanity I have left.

This is really odd for me. I can't find SoT fanfics ANYWHERE. There are some ASoIaF fics, but no SoT ones, even in AFF.

Simple pictures will prove that.

Until we photoshop them.

Bastard. I do have picture in a thread in the board...I forgot where, though.

First the Drefan dip, then nipple magic, now the Slide. Well, things get missed. In addition to the Official Dictionary of the Lemmings of Discord and the W's rants, should we also put together The Official Lemmings of Discord Comprehensive List of Everything Stupid about Tairy? Or would that take too long? Perhaps it would never end? Maybe these threads are that list.

That would be a bad idea, Moose. We'd be archiving the whole series.

Word, I can't come over right now. Busy, busy. One day I'll just show up on your doorstep.