Goodkind XXVI- Preferably Something Work-Safe in the Title

[Jaxom 1974]

Guys I can't go over there and talk to them, I already have an account and post often, it's "Mendo".

Just kidding. (I'm guessing the people who read the thread where everybody at The Site That Must Not Be Named says that rape is a-okay remembers Mendo)

But seriously it would be kinda fun except that that thread is two weeks old and really only 2 or 3 people agreed with Yourplanet and I'm guessing its against board rules to go to other boards and start flame wars.

Two things:

1. You fail at life because you had to go and explain your "mendo" joke the minute you made it. Don't be that guy, man. Damn.

2. Of course it's against policy to start flame wars! Who said start a flame war? I simply suggested popping in, politely saying something to the effect of, "You're morons." and leave. No flaming. No sticking about. No need to make things hot. Just simple use of good common sense and that's all.

[word]

Two things:

1. You fail at life because you had to go and explain your "mendo" joke the minute you made it. Don't be that guy, man. Damn.

2. Of course it's against policy to start flame wars! Who said start a flame war? I simply suggested popping in, politely saying something to the effect of, "You're morons." and leave. No flaming. No sticking about. No need to make things hot. Just simple use of good common sense and that's all.

My apologies, I just thought that Myshkin and MM would be the only ones to recognize it since they were the ones involved back in May. Actually wait fuck that I'm not apologizing, thats a way to choose death. I'm not sorry at all, I was just taking a page out of Tairy's book and explaining everything to you to make sure you understand what I was trying to say, the way I want to say it. You stupid communist centipede.

[Jaxom 1974]

My apologies, I just thought that Myshkin and MM would be the only ones to recognize it since they were the ones involved back in May. Actually wait fuck that I'm not apologizing, thats a way to choose death. I'm not sorry at all, I was just taking a page out of Tairy's book and explaining everything to you to make sure you understand what I was trying to say, the way I want to say it. You stupid communist centipede.

Death chooser.

Having to ape TG who had to ape RJ who had to ape someone else and so on. Talk about your centipedes. No wonder JKR wants to be like the boys. Or at least TG.

[word]

Have I mentioned recently that I hate you?

In a non-hating sort of way...

[Muttering Bill]

2. Of course it's against policy to start flame wars! Who said start a flame war? I simply suggested popping in, politely saying something to the effect of, "You're morons." and leave. No flaming. No sticking about. No need to make things hot. Just simple use of good common sense and that's all.

I might even be tempted to do that, except that I never actually read your post. Jaxom who?

Edit - I'm referring to the previous page of this threat, where it was stated that nobody reads Jaxom's posts.

[whelp]

2. Of course it's against policy to start flame wars! Who said start a flame war? I simply suggested popping in, politely saying something to the effect of, "You're morons." and leave. No flaming. No sticking about. No need to make things hot. Just simple use of good common sense and that's all.

I believe my account over there is still active, and I just might drop by and ask about this absurd statement.

But (this will be serious, no joking) I'd be against trolling other boards, and branding a full board as "morons" (yes, even the Tairy fans should not be branded thus - there are intelligent people there as well).

So, Jaxom, pointing out that a certain poster on that certain board is an utter moron would be fine with me (he again deserves it - perhaps his stupidity glands are again overflowing?)

word:

My apologies, I just thought that Myshkin and MM would be the only ones to recognize it since they were the ones involved back in May.

Well, there are quite a few of us who have in the past ventured to that cold and barren site...

[WLU]

1. You fail at life because you had to go and explain your "mendo" joke the minute you made it. Don't be that guy, man. Damn.

Be that guy word. I think that makes it funnier. Plus, sometimes I don't get the joke.

2. Of course it's against policy to start flame wars! Who said start a flame war? I simply suggested popping in, politely saying something to the effect of, "You're morons." and leave. No flaming. No sticking about. No need to make things hot. Just simple use of good common sense and that's all.

No need to be insulting, a simple statement that you didn't like certain aspects of the series is sufficient to start a 'firestorm' of protest and condemnation. Pointing out the sillier, more offensive or less believable aspects of Tairy's writing is considered a personal insult to their Prophet.

My apologies, I just thought that Myshkin and MM would be the only ones to recognize it since they were the ones involved back in May. Actually wait fuck that I'm not apologizing, thats a way to choose death. I'm not sorry at all, I was just taking a page out of Tairy's book and explaining everything to you to make sure you understand what I was trying to say, the way I want to say it. You stupid communist centipede.

Now you really sound like Mendo. Way to choose life

I might even be tempted to do that, except that I never actually read your post. Jaxom who?

Edit - I'm referring to the previous page of this threat, where it was stated that nobody reads Jaxom's posts.

Muttering Bill and word are really pandering to my sense of humour today.

But (this will be serious, no joking) I'd be against trolling other boards, and branding a full board as "morons" (yes, even the Tairy fans should not be branded thus - there are intelligent people there as well).

Really? {{fact}} (where's Maltaran - he should get it. I'm a wikipedia nerd in addition to all my other geek-ticks).

[whelp]

Really?

Hard to believe, isn't it?

Luckily, not all of them are like our favourite...

[Jaxom 1974]

I might even be tempted to do that, except that I never actually read your post. Jaxom who?

Edit - I'm referring to the previous page of this threat, where it was stated that nobody reads Jaxom's posts.

Touche, relative nOOb. Touche.

[VigoTheCarpathian]

Synopsis of Phantom:

1. The first 30-50 pages are Richard saving Nicci from a grace using his knowledge of "representational designs involving lethality"(he has his powers, but doesn't know how to use them). He explains this by pointing out symbols on his "outfit" that teach him how to fight. This is roughly akin to someone learning how to use the bathroom just by seeing the generic man/woman signs on a public bathroom door.

2. Next 150 pages are Jebra telling Richard how bad the IO is (killing, rape, rape with broomhandles, rape in front of husbands while husbands are being executed, indoctrination of children to make them kill their people, etc), Richard believing them, Shota thinking that Richard doesn't believe them and sending him into a "dream state" where the IO has captured him and is executing him in front of Kahlan (lots of "elusions" to rape) while Richard struggles. There are many interjections by Nicci on how bad the IO is, why they are bad (faith in afterlife, hating this life, choosing death), and how great Richard is for showing her the way.

3. Richard goes looking for a "War Wizards for Dummies" book but loses his powers while in the sliph. Finds the book in a library filled with sand (which he mostly empties by pulling a plug on the side of a cliff, physics be damned). Gets captured by Six, the evil witch (who took away his powers through the drawing magic of our favorite tongueless little girl.) Richard gets taken by the IO after he breaks out a war to play their godless soccer game because he fought like a man with a goal.

4. Interspersed with this is Kahlan's POV (Sisters of the Dark kill and maim, Kahlan fights back, chooses life even though she cannot remember her life, kills IO people through some sort of center-brain ninja muscle memory that she acquired somewhere) and Rachel's POV (Six and Violet are mean, draw things, Rachel steals the Box of Orden from her and is rescued by Chase).

Random thoughts on Phantom

- There is an inordinate amount of scenes where Richard is (who is the only one who remembers Kahlan, his true love) checking out Nicci's nobility, resolve, and loyalty (read: T&A). I have a pet theory that Kahlan is going to take out Jagangbang in Confessor, but die, and Richard is gonna hook up with Nicci and her "melon-sized hole" abilities. Since Richard is a pale shade of Tairy, this probably would signify that in real life Tairy is looking to dump his wife for a hotter chick.

- Besides being a spectacular Gladiator and/or Bad News Bears ripoff, I'm trying to imagine what will happen in the next book: probably a lot of Ja'La playing, with a culminating "Richard beats Jagangbang's team" scene. It remains to be seen if Richard will play Jagang himself, if Richard will get his ass dreamwalked and Kahlan will regain her Confessor powers and make Jagang her bitch, if the D'Haran army that is burning and pillaging the Old World will somehow miraculously make people see that even though their homes are gone and they have no food, that they should choose life like Richard, etcetera. Regardless, it will be a huge, steaming pile of putresensce.

ETA:

- Also, the war wizard who left Richard the instruction book and his "war wizard outfit" is named Barracus. This made me laugh out loud every time his damn name was mentioned, because I kept thinking of "B.A. Baracus", Mr. T's character from The A Team. Barracus even left Richard a necklace with symbols of lethality on it, like war wizard bling similar to the copious golden ropes worn by Mr. T. "I pity the fool who don't choose life!"

[word]

I think the most fascinating part about Confessor will be Tairy trying to create a situation in which Richard plays against the other team in front of Jagangbang and the black ajah without recognizing him. I mean Jagangbang has seen him before, through the eyes of the sisters which means they have seen him before as well. As bad as this book will be, the hilarity that will ensue has me on the edge of my seat in anticipation.

When I just typed the word "will" there I realized that Will hasn't posted in a while. Anybody know what happened to that fella? Maybe Tairy kidnapped him and is eating his testicles as we speak.

[whelp]

- There is an inordinate amount of scenes where Richard is (who is the only one who remembers Kahlan, his true love) checking out Nicci's nobility, resolve, and loyalty (read: T&A). I have a pet theory that Kahlan is going to take out Jagangbang in Confessor, but die, and Richard is gonna hook up with Nicci and her "melon-sized hole" abilities.

This is the only thing you've got wrong, Vigo. The real outcome will be a sweet threesome with Richard, Kahlan, and Nicci - I mean, if one big-breasted woman is celerious, then two women must be even better, right?

<robot chicken> (Richard and Kahlan are lying in bed, after a tiring day of righteous slaughter)

K: Not now, honey, I'm tired!

R: You are not tired, you want to have a threesome!

K: I am not tired, I want to have a threesome!

R (shouts to his bodyguards): Get me Nicci!

</robot chicken>

[Maltaran]

And as for mystar's alleged allusions (alliteratively)...I saw nothing. Other authors are allowed to write noble, heroic characters, too. - Damson Rhee @ TG.net

Guess who's gonna get himself kicked out of the O'ist Compund if he keeps spouting off like that...

Well, she chose a character from Shannara as her user name. I'm surprised she's not been kicked in the jaw out already.

[WLU]

- Also, the war wizard who left Richard the instruction book and his "war wizard outfit" is named Barracus. This made me laugh out loud every time his damn name was mentioned, because I kept thinking of "B.A. Baracus", Mr. T's character from The A Team. Barracus even left Richard a necklace with symbols of lethality on it, like war wizard bling similar to the copious golden ropes worn by Mr. T. "I pity the fool who don't choose life!"

The juxtaposition of the name with the War Wizard outfit is an unfortunate one for Goodkind, and a comic boon for us. It's always amusing to me that though we try our best, Goodkind's worst wounds are self-inflicted either on purpose or accidentally.

When I just typed the word "will" there I realized that Will hasn't posted in a while. Anybody know what happened to that fella? Maybe Tairy kidnapped him and is eating his testicles as we speak.

I always figured that he was an alt of yours, an obscure play on David Eddings' magic system.

<robot chicken> (Richard and Kahlan are lying in bed, after a tiring day of righteous slaughter)

K: Not now, honey, I'm tired!

R: You are not tired, you want to have a threesome!

K: I am not tired, I want to have a threesome!

R (shouts to his bodyguards): Get me Nicci!

</robot chicken>

The only thing better than a Robot Chicken parody would be a lampooning by South Park. I would shit my pants and mail it to Yeardii if this ever occurred. I see an added bonus - if there were a RC episode, it would require Sword of Truth action figures. Fantasy action figures. You can't get much more Fine ARt on Toiletpaper than that. Ha, FART. New definition for the lemming dictionary - next person to randomly get praised by me gets to write it.

Well, she chose a character from Shannara as her user name. I'm surprised she's not been kicked in the jaw out already.

Nothing the do could be worse than what she's already done to herself. I mean, the Sword of Shannara? Lame... At least the Sword of Truth is lame and mysognynistic.

I'm so disappointed you didn't pick up on my wikipedia reference. I need better friends.

[All-for-Joffrey]

Just out of pure, innocent curiosity, are there ASOIAF parody/bashing threads on the Goodkind forums?

[Jaxom 1974]

Just out of pure, innocent curiosity, are there ASOIAF parody/bashing threads on the Goodkind forums?

Hard to parody quality though, isn't it?

[All-for-Joffrey]

Hard to parody quality though, isn't it?

Well yeah, that's why I want to see what they're saying.

[Jaxom 1974]

Well yeah, that's why I want to see what they're saying.

I daresay that if there were such a situation over there, we'd've visited by now. Had a laugh at the expense too.

[All-for-Joffrey]

Oh god. In my search for truthiness I ventured into Goodkind's e-realm and what I found there was horryifying. I think his fans alone are enough to turn me off from ever reading one of those books.

[WLU]

I'm double posting because I chose life, need to up my edit count before leaving for San Diego then moving, and the library book is already overdue by three days.

14) This is the book where Du Chaillu is raped and Richard convinces her to keep the baby. Charming.

15) Naked battle with the most gullible army ever, featuring the line (regards the D'Harans) "At battle...they became a single unified fighting machine, almost an entity of one mind, but in camp, without the overriding purpose of war, they became thousands of individuals, all bent on serving their own self-interest." First, too long. Second, isn't that a good thing? Keep it straight Tairy, either self-centred individualism is a good thing, or it's not.

16) Klan has two horses connected by a chain ride down the pickets, breaking the D'Haran's horses' legs with the chain. They manage to do this through an entire line of horses (each horse weighing up to a ton), but then hit 'something as solid as bedrock', which stops them. At that point, the only thing mentioned in front of them once they pass the pickets is tents. And apparently an unexplained outcropping of bedrock. The horses names are Pips and Daisy.

17) Sister Verna uses her Han to "seek an answer". Her Han told her Richard "must use the prophecy to survive." Apparently the Han is a magical Swiss Army knife with an optional 'ask Jeeves' feature. Thank God people use reason to solve problems, rather than magic.

18) Richard's rage explodes instantly. Twice.

19) Richard's title according to the Baka Ban Mana people is the Caharin, which is not at all similar to the Wheel of Time's title of Car'a'carn or city of Cairhien. Not even a little. Because he killed the blademasters, he is now the chief of the Baka Ban Mana, who are not at all like the Aiel, and his relationship is nothing at all like Rand's with the Aiel.

20) Sister Verna is punished by the Sisters of the Light by being broken down to a NOVICE and having to scrub pots. Which is not at all like how the Aes Sedai punished Siuan Sanche or Nynaeve al'Meara

21) Despite his protests that he does not kill unless needed, he says to Pasha, "...You should not be frightened of letting me see that you are inexperienced...you should be frightened will kill you." Which is not a contradiction.

22) Richard would happily kill all the Sisters of Light. Which is not like Rand al'Thor. Seriously, here's one part that isn't ripped off of the Wheel of Time.

23) Pasha is stupid. Like, really really stupid. Like, not a stupid character, but a stupid person. More accurately, she is the toilet through which the infodumps are flushed, as Richard has to explain everything to her, including his motivation.

24) Richard understands D'Haran because he is related to Darken Rahl. Which is not at all like Mat. And interprets prophecy because of his magic reason magic.

25) Warren trips up Jedidiah using magic, for revenge. Richard proclaims this justice. So there is at least one non-contradictory, continuous aspect to the series.

26) Richard proclaims the women of Tanimura the most brazen he knows, despite knowing Klan. The whore.

27) The Sisters of the Light are described as gliding when they walk, serene and cool. Which is not at all like the Aes Sedai. Tairy spends an entire page describing what hot whores two of his teachers are (including Nicci).

28) The Stone of Tears is the seal that keeps the Keeper locked in the underworld. Which is not at all like the seals on the Bore.

29) The Keltan are evil. Apparently they've always been evil. It's awfully convenient that this is the case, because otherwise the slaughter of their army might be a bad thing.

30) The whole Zedd and Adie lose their memory thing is RETARDED. It's like he needed an extra 50 pages of 'plot' and kinda threw it in.

31) During almost-rape #3, when Klan's plan is to turbo-slut her way out of the situation, the line "You lofty ladies act better than everyone else, but when it comes to it, you're just a whore like all the rest." Yes Tairy, we know you think women are whores. It disturbs us.

32) We keep hearing about how it only takes about 2 hours to recharge her power, but despite waiting for several hours for her rescue, only uses it once.

33) Klan manages to kill two wizards in this book alone, one with a lance, the other with an arrow. Neither one seemed to think of protecting themselves against purely physical attacks. Which is dumb for a wizard.

34) After she escapes, Klan tells Jebra to call her Kahlan instead of Mother Confessor, so they people won't figure out who she is.

35) Richard's effects on other people is because of his magic. Not his charming personality (which is more homocidal than charming in this book) or his inspiring leadership, but his magic. Which is not at all like ta'veren

36) The role of the Keeper in the Sword of Truth mythology is just fucking stupid. I'm running out of time so I won't go into it, but it's at the end of chapter 61 if anyone has a copy lying around.

37) Gratch is stupid, but fortunately his stupidity is what helps Richard learn that Klan truly loves him and sent him away for his own good. Fuck me, a twelve-year-old would have seen through Klan's histrionics.

38) DeusexmachinNathan knows how to train a War Wizard even though he's only 1000 years old and not a War Wizard.

39) Subtractive magic is described as an undulating void. Voids don't undulate. They're empty.

40) Richard can't beat anime-ninjamaster Liliana (who is armed with the Sword of antiTruth apparently as the actual SoT can't cut through it), so he turns the sword white. Yeah, I don't understand it either.

41) When Klan runs into Zedd, he gets his memory back instantly. For a plot point that took as long as it did to set up, it's resolved in about half a page.

42) The Mord-Sith were apparently 'instantly' turned from torture-happy psychos to well adjusted orphan-feeding volunteers.

43) Richard uses magic to blow open the doors to the council room in Aydinril. The response of the guards is a suicide charge. Which is not what I'd do were I to see a pair of doors spontaneously exploded by one man. But then again, I wouldn't fight a battle naked covered in white paint. The council members also asked him 'are you a wizard?' You'd think the exploding doors might have tipped them off.

44) The death spell Zedd uses to 'kill' Klan is just about the stupidest thing I've ever read, and almost deserves its own QOTD. The only thing stupider is how the 45 000-man strong D'Haran army is wiped out by a force 1/10 it's size. This is never explained, it just happens (presumably instantly).

45) Klan and Richard fuck. She's a slut.

So, that's a list of all the stupid things in Stone of Tears. I'm starting Blood of the Fold tomorrow. I'll need a bigger internet.