Jump to content

Goodkind L (That's 50)

Myshkin

By Myshkin,
in Literature

Recommended Posts

Tormund Ukrainesbane Council Member

Tormund Ukrainesbane

Posted
Posted

The Omen Machine

Chapter 1-8

Shit did I really start a couple hours ago? I'm a few drinks in. Ah well, off to the races.

When last we met, Dick had obtained supreme ultimate power and all was right in the world. We pick up the next day. Cara and her D'Haran boytoy just got married, and Dick and K are slumming it with the commons. They meet a kid who is babbling about terrible stuff that's going to happen to the palace and of course write it off as simple fever-dreams because that NEVER leads to disaster. The mom says that the kid sees the future which of course isn't believed and states that said foresight was verified by a "hedge-maid" (has Tairy ever mentioned hedge-anything in any prior novels? I can't remember.) from some place they've never heard of. The kid scratches them both on the hand and runs off. Richard immediately sends members of his elite guard force to capture him (why can he not use his supreme ultimate power to just bring the kid back? Or cure his fever?).

We cut scene to our noble goats heroes entering the palace where there's an old blind lady who wants to tell Dick's fortune for a penny which he allows. She also foretells DOOM for the palace in the form of a collapsing roof. This is immediately brushed off because Dick puts no stock in this prophecy nonsense despite every single prophecy he's ever heard of coming true. Dick is not exactly she sharpest tool of truth in the shed of righteousness. Kahlan meanwhile is worried that Richard is being too nice to the poor cripple because fuck her that's why.

Now on to Cara and whatshisface, newly wed, and Zedd and unimportant people. Cara thinks someone was watching them while they slew the beast with two backs. Zedd identifies that people were watching them through mirrors despite not actually knowing about the magic that allows such things (Yet more evidence that the stunningly original Law of Nines was SoT #12) (and why can't Dick use his supreme ultimate power to figure it out?). Cara also reveals that the place no one's ever heard of is the Forbidden Forest Mirkwood Blight Darklands. A scary forested area where some people live and lots of people die. Zedd mentions his frustrations that people are buying and selling prophecies. Dick says this is probably because people like to be afraid of the end of the world.

MOVING ON! Contain your orgasms ladies because we're headed to the library. Oooooh, talk nerdy to me Tairy. Yes, down in the library the nerd mord-sith and Nathan the prophet (isn't he like 1100 years old?) are organizing books. They are doing so because apparently they used scribes before and it's inefficient. They also seem to be doing it by themselves. Apparently some sort of scribe-targeted plague hit the palace. This is actually just plot set up to get to a book of prophecy which contains the exact phrase that the blind lady used. Shocker, prophecy is real just like always. While we're on the subject, Nathan reveals there are about a dozen people in the palace with minor prophetic gifts one of whom has been trying to snag an appointment. There is another book of foreshadowing...err.. prophecy which is only partially complete. The rest is of course in the Temple of the Winds which won't be at all important later.

Dick and Kahlan get back to the whole being rulers of the known world thing and actually do some politicking for a second when they are rudely interrupted by the plot thickening. The Secret Service members who went chasing after the kid back in chapter one are apparently dead of no apparent cause (DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUNNNN). Nathan also runs up and reveals that the warning the kid used is also in the prophecy book verbatim. Totally didn't see that coming.

Rather than recognizing and declaring a full blown magical emergency as anyone who has read the last 11 books would do (or at least detail a construction crew to brace the roof), they decide to continue with the party. They do at least decide to go see the prophet lady who works in the kitchen later.

__________________________________________

Travelling pants: 0

Jaw injuries: 0

Distinctive rings: 0

Raptor like gazes: 0

War Wizard outfits: 1

Almost rapes: 0

More tomorrow.

Edit: Goodomens HAHAHA. It led to a fun conversation at the office when I went to pick up the package too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
bcwoods Commoner

bcwoods

Posted
Posted

Is anyone other than me convinced that this new trilogy ends with Richard traveling in time and coming to our world?

I'm not even fucking joking. I'm 100% serious.

To recap, in the Law of Nines, Jax says, "Golden Age, House of Rahl, blah blah blah, LORD RAHL MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARED blah blah blah. Oh hey, there's all this stuff here in your world put there by a Rahl. Mirrors are bad. Other side of darkness. Yada yada yada."

All of this has got to end with Richard and Kahlan freezing themselves in time and coming back to fight evil in our modern world. If it doesn't, I'm going to be furious. I want to read a book where Richard teams up with Ron Paul to kill Democrats, damn it!

Link to comment
Share on other sites
bcwoods Commoner

bcwoods

Posted
Posted

I would read the SHIT out of that. It's not actually Ron Paul its.....dun dun DUNNNNN... Pon RAHL! EAT IT LIBERAL COMMIE BITCHES.

Seriously, how long do you think it would take Richard with even an unmagical sword of truth to slaughter everyone who works for MSNBC and NPR?

But, jokes aside (or as aside as I can put them), it seems eerily plausible the further you read. Especially if you read the Law of Nines again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
goodomens Sellsword

goodomens

Posted
Posted

Is anyone other than me convinced that this new trilogy ends with Richard traveling in time and coming to our world?

I'm not even fucking joking. I'm 100% serious.

To recap, in the Law of Nines, Jax says, "Golden Age, House of Rahl, blah blah blah, LORD RAHL MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARED blah blah blah. Oh hey, there's all this stuff here in your world put there by a Rahl. Mirrors are bad. Other side of darkness. Yada yada yada."

All of this has got to end with Richard and Kahlan freezing themselves in time and coming back to fight evil in our modern world. If it doesn't, I'm going to be furious. I want to read a book where Richard teams up with Ron Paul to kill Democrats, damn it!

We are now officially mining this forum for ideas.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
The Real Will Council Member

The Real Will

Posted
Posted

While this may seem like a Yeardly master stroke and a glimmer of a heretofore unsuspected sense of humour--not yet crushed beneath the heel of a black leather writing-boot, while the owner gazes, raptor-like, around the room defying anyone to suggest that anything so weak and trivial as mirth exists within his hard yet powerful heart--while this might seem like a Terrierian victory, under more careful examination it is revealed to in fact be a Machiavellian triumph of still uncomprehended genius on the part of Lemming-kind. At the expense of only 50 threads, 20,000 odd posts, and what must be in the neighbourhood of several tens of millions of words we have forced the Yeardites to concede that they are, in reality, discordant death choosers, too young and stupid to do more than fain understanding of the works of their godhead. This stylish yet roomy shirt, solidly constructed, artfully designed, flattering to both the slender and the husky gentleman is nothing short of a total capitulation by the Yeardian horde to the way of the Lemming. I say we ought not be despondent, ought not admit to despair but should instead rise up, choose life (or death?)* reach out to these brave new lemmings and kick them in the jaws, punch out their spines and tell and tell them that if they wish to express their own discordant lemminghood then they should go out and fashion a name for their own damn selves (might I suggest the Lemming front of Discordia?) and stop mooching off their more industrious betters.

Also, is it just me, or is goodomens the greatest thing the Yeard has ever created? I choose to believe that he was created, probably in a dank cellar in the sub-strata of the Fortress of Truth (a small log cabin somewhere in the desert of Nevada), through an alchemical process blending enthorpic dark magic with the best of modern biochemistry, and the briefest exposure to the Yeard's glorious thing. This is so much more satisfying than the idea that he was just recruited on seek.com because his resume listed a tenacious "go get 'em" attitude, and experience in Namble-wrangling. Either way, well done that Yeardite, well done.

*I always forget are we counter revolutionary death choosers rising up and choosing life, or counter counter revolutionary life choosers rising up and choosing death. These are the questions that keep me awake nights.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Tormund Ukrainesbane Council Member

Tormund Ukrainesbane

Posted
Posted
Someone needs to check on Tormund. I snuck into his house and replaced his bullets with duds, but I might have missed one.

Bitch please. Anyone who managed to break into my house and my safe would have died of stabification long before they got across the living room.

anyway... on to:

The Omen Machine

Chapter 9 - 17

I'm out of beer, switched to wine.

R&K International had just rejoined their party when we left off. Now they are surrounded by diplomats and officials, who all are demanding words of prophecy from every wizard present. You know what that means, it's time for our first speech of the book! We get about a page and a half of Dick, K, Zedd, and Nathan taking turns advising people that prophecy is rubbish and they need to rise up and live their lives, determine their own future, yadda yadda yadda. I was hoping for more speeches but unfortunately the plot had to intrude by our first attempt on Kahalan's life. Some serving lady tries to stab her to death. K of course manages to hit her with Confessor power first, so all is well. They lady claims to have had a vision that her kids would be eaten alive so she murdered them, then attempted to murder K. All to prevent them from being eaten alive, mercy killing see? She also has some words that are later revealed to be in Nathan's book.

Sidebar - lets say you knew that horrible creatures were coming to eat everyone alive, and thus decided that a murder spree was your only option. Of course your kids are going to be your first stop, but is your second stop really going to be Michelle Obama? Of all the people to spare the horrible pain she moves immediately from kids to the most powerful woman in the world? No aunts or uncles or anything? This makes no sense at all.

Anyway, this causes a bit of a stir. K decides to go have a bit of a lie down. Of course, during her rest she feels someone is watching her. She lets Cara (who was minding the door) know.

During this time Dick finally gets around to going to see the seer-lady who has a message for him. She winds up telling him that the sky is going fall. And for some reason she is wearing 4 or 5 shirts. She has hundreds of her little prophecies written down and Dick says he'll keep them in the library. He of course only does this because he's worried she'll burn the whole place down with all that paper lying around. (This is a shockingly literate medieval european analogue society innit?)

Now they have a meeting with an abbot guy who turns out to be from the Darklands, which is ruled by (I believe our chief antagonist) a bishop guy named Hannis Arc. Their whole system of government is based on (you guessed it) PROPHECY (seriously Tairy, I'm already tired of hearing about it, it's like 11 times per page). After spending a little time ridiculing the very foundation of the mans society and belittling his person, Dick asks about the whole hedge-maid business to which the abbot is so deliberately vague he might as well tattoo "ask me questions about hedge-maids" on his face. Dick, being the Seeker of Truth, drops the subject.

Moving on! It's about time D&K got their first visit from Nicci! She-of-the-army-stopping-boobage storms in and starts going on about the lady who killed her kids. After a minor argument charged with three-way sexual tension, our intrepid band of heroes realizes she's talking about a different infanticidal woman who also had a vision and killed her kids. Then Nathan chimes and let them know that some other guy with foresight tried to kill his family because of a vision of them being tortured to death. Rather than taking this moment to realize that their entire city is being subjected to a magical equivalent to a terrorist attack and fucking doing something about it, they keep talking.

Dick decides to ask Nicci about the whole hedge-maid business. Nicci flips out and tells Dick that (big shocker) he has to stay away from her because his magic has no defense against hers and not even swords are useful in stopping one. Makes one wonder why hedge-maids don't rule the world. Maybe because of the lack of hedges. But seriously, am I the only one that remembers Richard getting Phoenix Force, Power Cosmic, Dr. Manhattan style supreme ultimate powers in the last book? WTF?

Oh yeah, forgot. Cara's boytoy (general someone or the other) says that the guards found a kid who was mostly eaten out in the commons. It was not the same kid they were looking for earlier.

D&K have another lay down and of course feel like they are being watched, but not before Kahlan (I am not making this up) tells Dick that he is soooo not getting any tonight.

__________________________________________

Travelling pants: 0

Jaw injuries: 0

Distinctive rings: 1

Raptor like gazes: 0

War Wizard outfits: 1

Almost rapes: 0

More tomorrow.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Andystoteles Sellsword

Andystoteles

Posted
Posted

I´ve had the Ominous Omens on my mp3 player for a few days now. Can´t seem to get in the right mood for it. After 10 minutes of listening i keep going back to Bill Brysons "The Lost Continent" for some semi-funny comfort.

Good reader though, he doesen´t sound horny every time he speaks about Raacharghh.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
MinDonner Council Member

MinDonner

Posted
Posted

Plus, Tormund, did you just compare the sainted Kahlan to Michelle Obama?!?!?! :lol: You may need those bullets after all once Tairy comes gunning for you.

Not to mention his further contempt for the credulous goons of Dickland. I mean really, they have one bad dream about their kids getting eaten and immediately turn into serial killers? No matter how many portentious voiceovers saying "THIS IS A PROPHECY. NO, REALLY", most folk would probably want a bit more than that to go on before getting the knives out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...