Lord O' Bones Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 And most of us spend otherwise wasted downtime at work here. Like, twiddling our thumbs would be better? Nah. But, Kheldar, Kheldar, Kheldar! (just to re-trigger the spambot) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WrathOfTinyKittens Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 Kheldar is busy. His 11 children simply cannot feed themselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Argonath Diver Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 I have enjoyed lurking through thousands of posts in these threads. The current summarization of the Yeard's latest triumph over GRRM (He debuted at #1, GRRM languished in a distant and embarassing 2nd) has had me cracking up. I have a copy of some of his books somewhere in a box in my parents' enormous attic. I should dig them out and try to read them again after all these years of cracking up at this forum's incredibly entertaining threads. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Pita Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 I must try this. If I start mocking Abercrombie now maybe I can work a signed copt of A Red Country. Bakker is totally gay.Can I have my books now? Also, goodomens, Lemmingsofdiscord.com is still inactive. I'm feeling a little upset. I want to spill forth! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tormund Ukrainesbane Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 The Omen Machine chapter 47 - 56 I got back from beating people up at the gym and was lounging by the pool when this book had to ruin a perfectly good day. Kahlan is sleeping yet again. Apparently her defense against almost-rape is to be in a coma for the entire book. Richard takes this opportunity to actually get some work done , so he goes down to talk to the omen machine. I mean that literally, he starts talking to it, and it answers. It is apparently sentient. It says the same things that the hand-scratcher kid said way back at the beginning of the book. It states that his has been dreaming and wants to know why. Dick comes to the realization that the machine is making people have visions and is making stuff happen to make the visions come true. The rest of us had this shit figured 20 chapters ago, good to see the Seeker of Truth on the ball. We now cut scene to the kid from Chapter 1 who disappeared. Turns out he stole a horse and ran away because he was being chased by big dogs. Over like 2 or 3 chapters we realize that he is being herded to go visit the hedge-maid. Finally. So we meet the hedge-maid, who is hanging out with Hanna Montana and her ghosts. Turns out that all of them are straight out of the Evil Overlord handbook. I mean honestly. Hanna Montana is covered head-to-toe with scary tattoos and has blood-red eyes. Hedge-maid lives in the middle of a deep scary swamp and her whole house is a maze of vines with people living and dead trapped in the walls, and her mouth is sewed shut so she can only talk through her ghosts. I guess if Tairy wanted to have Michael Buffer come out and start listing off the tale of the tape he could make it a little more obvious but not much. HEY YOU GUYS THESE ARE THE BAD GUYS AND AS YOU CAN SEE THEY ARE TOTALLY EVIL SO FEEL NO SYMPATHY FOR THEM AND REALIZE THAT THERE IS NO MORAL AMBIGUITY WHEN THEY ARE EVENTUALLY KILLED. Moving on. Hand-scratcher kid is driven to meet these people because it turns out they just want the skin of Dick and Kahlan that's under his fingernails. They get Kahlan's but not Dick's (OF COURSE BECAUSE TAIRY CAN ONLY WRITE WHEN KAHLAN IS IN MORTAL PERIL). Hanna Montana is pissed that they didn't get Dick's so he kills a ghost (seriously). The hedge maid takes the bit of skin and performs scary arcane rituals that transforms her ghosts and the corpses in her walls into scary monsters that will presumably be going after Kahlan. It is not mentioned whether they are Nambles with enormous barbed penises so I will be forced to assume that they are. ______________________________________________Travelling pants: 0Jaw injuries: 0Distinctive rings: 2Raptor like gazes: 0War Wizard outfits: 1Almost rapes: 0 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerec Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 I love this guy who kills a ghost when he's mad. It's like when Darth Vader went around force choking his men because he was having a bad day, but at least they usually did something to provoke it. "Apology accepted, hedge-maid's ghost #14" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinDonner Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 So, wait, remind me - WHY did that kid scratch D&K in the first place? If he was on some speshul skin-gathering mission then fair enough, but now it's looking like he was actually just some ADHD kid who JUST SO HAPPENED to have got hold of exactly the genetic materials that Team Evil were after, and then had to be herded by big dogs to Evil HQ. Who are clearly a) close enough to just send dogs out for people, b ) far enough away that neither Dick nor Kahlan has heard of them and c) counting on the fact that at no point during this uncertain distance will the kid submerge his hands in water for any reason. Hmmm.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tormund Ukrainesbane Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 I believe that the hedge maid made the kid do it. The mom mentioned that they went to see her before coming to the palace. The book mentions that the kid had kept his fists clenched the whole time. Which makes no sense because saddling a horse with clenched fists sounds impossible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Wolf Maid Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 I believe that the hedge maid made the kid do it. The mom mentioned that they went to see her before coming to the palace. The book mentions that the kid had kept his fists clenched the whole time. Which makes no sense because saddling a horse with clenched fists sounds impossible. Maybe he used something other than his hands? ETA: Why am I trying make sense of this? It's Tairy. He doesn't need to make sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goodomens Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 I believe that the hedge maid made the kid do it. The mom mentioned that they went to see her before coming to the palace. The book mentions that the kid had kept his fists clenched the whole time. Which makes no sense because saddling a horse with clenched fists sounds impossible. Speaking as someone that once scored a brutally deep gash on my palm, and not long after, had to saddle and ride, it is possible. In before I'm also blind now and I live as a warning to others. fpfpfp! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord O' Bones Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 Speaking as someone that once scored a brutally deep gash on my palm, and not long after had to saddle and ride, it's possible.One hand, my friend. One hand. That and a knee is all you need to saddle and ride. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaxom 1974 Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 Kahlan is sleeping yet again. Apparently her defense against almost-rape is to be in a coma for the entire book. Richard takes this opportunity to actually get some work done , so he goes down to talk to the omen machine. I mean that literally, he starts talking to it, and it answers. It is apparently sentient. It says the same things that the hand-scratcher kid said way back at the beginning of the book. It states that his has been dreaming and wants to know why. Dick comes to the realization that the machine is making people have visions and is making stuff happen to make the visions come true. The rest of us had this shit figured 20 chapters ago, good to see the Seeker of Truth on the ball. Wait. The Omen Machine is V'Ger...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagilki Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 Maybe he used something other than his hands? What in a Yeard novel could the kid use besides his hands? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grack21 Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 Wait. The Omen Machine is V'Ger...? :bowdown: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tormund Ukrainesbane Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 The Omen Machine Chapter 57-72 (this book has a lot of chapters, but I'm only on page 460) It's slow going. I've got about 80 pages left. Should probably finish tomorrow. We return to the Palace where Kahlan is, to everyone's surprise, sleeping. But she wakes up, because she hears the phantom howling again. Now she's really sick and her hand scratch is back with a vengeance. Fantasy Force Five tries to heal it but to no avail. Looks like we're back to the fantasy classic, poultices and ointments. (Why don't any of these medieval-european analogues bleed patients or worry about miasmas?) Meanwhile, the machine predicts the death of a queen. Also that "Hounds will take her from you". They decide to move her to another room because they think that the machine is helping make her sick. They move to some other room and Dick comes up with the plan of tying the mirrors in there face-to-face which appears to work because the mirrors end up yelling at each other later (true story). Cut scene to the politicians. The abbot and this queen lady (oh yeah, they've been boning) have gotten around to convincing everyone that D&K are possessed by the devil and that they should all work for Hanna Montana because he's all about the prophecy baby. Once this is done, a mord-sith shows up and MURDERS THE SHIT out of the queen. With an electric butt-plug of doom. It's about fucking time. Anyway, of course this fulfills the queen prophecy. Now it turns out that this mord-sith works for Hanna Montana and that the abbot is a full on sith apprentice because he uses magic to make the mord-sith suffer for giving him sass, and has plans to kill Hanna Montana and RULE THE WORLD after he takes over. SHORT BREAK FOR CONTINUITY ...................I"m fairly certain that it's series canon that you can't use magic on a mord-sith because they'll grab it and use it to torture you and that this is in fact what they are for. I'm also pretty sure that it's canon that the mord-sith-magic-grabby-thing is magic specific to the House of Rahl and so are the electic butt-plugs of doom. I'm sure this will be cleared up when the yeard releases his long anticipated companion volume Attempting to Resolve all the Ridiculous Shit I've Managed to Fuck Up Over Thirteen Novels..................... Anyway, all the politicians decide to go home, but leave one guy behind to tell Dick that they're rising up and living their lives by being completely subservient to a different bloodthirsty dictator. To my (actual) surprise, this does not end in murder. Checking back in with Kahlan, she wakes up and there are a bunch of big dogs in her room. She runs away and jumps in the back of of a wagon and promptly fucking passes out. The rest of the crew are unaware and decide to go destroy the machine (apparently forgetting that it goes all the way down through the mountain they are fucking standing on. Engineering is apparently not among their strengths. They decide it's far to inconvenient to go to the Temple of the Winds to actually learn anything about thing first because fuck knowledge right? They are of course, unsuccessful, and start having conversations with the machine again. After a lot of circular logic the machine manages to advise them that it's being controlled by outside forces which are making its prophecies come true. ______________________________________________Travelling pants: 1Jaw injuries: 0Distinctive rings: 3Raptor like gazes: 0War Wizard outfits: 1Almost rapes: 0 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkynJay Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 Ok, what the yell. You are right. The Mord Sith magic IS tied to Rahl, because it stopped working when he got his magic stripped. And the whole way they caught Sir Awesome and Always Right was when he USED MAGIC ON ONE!!!!! Is there not a continuity checker working for Tairy? That's it, what the hell is going one here? Oh well, I am shocked Richard still has access to his magic this far into the book. I guess the plot is moving forward in some fashion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheKassi Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 ...................I"m fairly certain that it's series canon that you can't use magic on a mord-sith because they'll grab it and use it to torture you and that this is in fact what they are for. I'm also pretty sure that it's canon that the mord-sith-magic-grabby-thing is magic specific to the House of Rahl and so are the electic butt-plugs of doom. I'm sure this will be cleared up when the yeard releases his long anticipated companion volume Attempting to Resolve all the Ridiculous Shit I've Managed to Fuck Up Over Thirteen Novels..................... Canon explanation not required for the use of magic against a mord sith. They have the ability to capture some kinds of magic, not all. As example, a Confessor's power will kill a mord sith. As they only hold dominion over some forms of magic, whatever magic is used in the dark lands need only be in the other category. They can even use the line 'you mean like a confessor's power?' to put a bow on that one. As for the plug who's proper name I can not spell, it is at one point stated that it is powered by the bond. I however doubt that fact will be revisited, as in the end of the series it was revealedthat the house of Rahl was actually the most super noble awesome lineage in the history of world. So magnificent as to be made the caretakers of life in general. It was only the last two guys that were jerks. Picking out preteen girls for their ever so kind nature and then brutalizing them with rape and torture until they are crazed monsters that rape and torture their own fathers seems a rather odd tendency for the guardians of life and freedom. Even if objectivists were steadfast supporters of the 'ends justify the means' axiom, it would seem a bit disconcerting. So I kind of doubt the specific nature of the tie between the mord sith and the house of Rahl is going to get a great deal of attention. Even if it is, the rules of House Rahl are made up as the story goes on. That is really the only way that you can get defenders of life and freedom who make their subjects pray to them even as they steal the most gentle and kind of their daughters so that they may forge them in the fires of sadomasochist erotica. A rogue mord sith is a drop in the vomit bucket of mythos Rahl. Doubt it will be cleaned up, so much as ignored. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grack21 Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 5 imaginary dollars says Kahlan is preggers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tormund Ukrainesbane Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 And...done. Tired and slightly inebriated. Final update tomorrow, but for now know that it was... well I can't say disappointing because my expectations were extremely low to begin with so we'll say that it was a yeard quality ending. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkynJay Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 so we'll say that it was a yeard quality ending. Ok Ok. Let us start the pool first -Richard realizes he has a new power. -A new ally comes and saves the day. -CLIFFHANGER: Kahlan is about to be raped and Richard is the Mord Sith's grasp(despite their power being based on the bond to him). -Richard alone realizes that no one but him is reading the prophecy right, and shows Hannah Montanta where he is wrong through a four page speech, and now Hanna Montana is his ally against an even bigger threat. Entry in the pool is 20 bucks, payout is .05% of take. :cool4: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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