[ADwD Spoilers] Insane Crackpot Theories

[Ygritte]

Right age, yes. Mance is in his forties. Original Mance, no way, since Mance was an orphan raised by The Nights Watch.

I think he's about the right age--but his whole orphan backstory would have to be a lie, of course, and he'd have to have been not-really-dead at the Trident (perhaps grievously wounded and hid out at a sept for a while or something). He also looks wrong, but the hair at least could be dye. We know there's brown dye because "Alayne" uses it.

[the average Other]

Wendel's Children have been living down in the lower levels of Winterfell's crypts all along. Their fires warm the waters of the castle's hot springs.

[chuck norris 42]

My crazy theory is that Stannis is Azor Ahai, He needs something to really traumatise him

out of being to rigid and some suffering to make lightbringer that will really smite others.

Another crackpot theory is fake aegon is the actually the child of R+J and Jon is Aegon.

[The Oncoming Storm]

Dolorous Edd should TOTALLY give the "Mark Antony speech" even if Jon will be resurrected after it.

My newest theory: Theon will go to Braavos with the banker and seek the Gift. An Arya POV will begin with her finding him one morning.

[Sidonie]

How about, when Victarion and Moqorro arrive in Mereen, Moqorro gives Quentyn the kiss of life (like Thoros gave to Beric). Quentyn is then reborn and becomes the PWWP. Hey, he's already a Prince, all he needs is to be reborn.

[RobMRobM]

I just posted a full explanation in the Bran thread but I'm not sure it really is crackpot - that the Bran who appeared in a weirwood vision to Jon in ACOK actually was the AWOW Bran (post-crow, post training) rather than actual ACOK Bran (who didn't have enough power or control thereof to find Jon, show up in tree form and open up Jon's third eye - and, most unbelievably, not mention he had done so to Meera, Jojen or Osha or to exercise the power to find other siblings from ACOK onwards).

Rob

[assjfjgjsgjljljglgjfjsduar]

Another crackpot theory is fake aegon is the actually the child of R+J and Jon is Aegon.

I've actually seen this thrown around. A double-cross of a double-cross. Wouldn't explain Jon's strong Stark looks, though.

[chuck norris 42]

I've actually seen this thrown around. A double-cross of a double-cross. Wouldn't explain Jon's strong Stark looks, though.

Brandon stark was a shag rat, mystery solved.

[Lord Bloodraven]

I am a firm believer that Septa Lemore is Ellyn Tarbeck. I doubt she's Elia of Dorne. If she didn't die at KL, I'm guessing somebody would have known it was not her body presented by Tywin. I suppose it could be Ashara. I say it's Ellyn Tarbeck. Essos apparently has a fair number of Westerosi exiles. We know the Reynes and Tarbecks rebelled against the Lannisters, but we don't know that Ellyn Tarbeck died, only that Tarbeck Hall was destroyed. If she escaped, disguising herself as a Septa would be a perfect way to escape Tywin Lannister's reach. Now, with Tywin dead, she allies herself with Aegon and Jon Connington and is poised to make use of the fact that House Lannister is falling apart and seize control of the Westerlands.

[Knight of Ashes]

Since having white/whitish hair at a young age is a clue that you're a Targaryen, then Theon is a Targaryen too.

[Red Dirt]

Maggy the Frog said that Cersie would have 3 kids and Robert would have 16. So in the next generation of books we are all going to arguing with each other over who the "secret" Baratheons are... ...and we will all be right.

[Ygritte]

Maggy the Frog said that Cersie would have 3 kids and Robert would have 16. So in the next generation of books we are all going to arguing with each other over who the "secret" Baratheons are... ...and we will all be right.

Yeah, the legitimate Baratheon line may end up being toast, but Robert was a man who truly believed in being the father of his people. :D There will be more secret Baratheons in Westeros than there are secret Targs on this forum. ;)

[House Dayne of Starfall]

Here's one I like. Rhaegar knew that if he didn't conceive the PTWP (Jon Snow) that the whole world would be overrun by the Others, so he slept with Lyanna out of duty. And the name he whispers as he dies on the Trident is "Elia"

[Bumble Bee]

Jon will be proven to be Ned's son with Wylla the fishwife. :P I would love to see Jon and Rickon and maybe Sansa reunited and have Jon the bastard son of Ned's that no one particularly liked; end up being the one who saves the Starks from extinction and also saves the North. The Reeds appear at the Wall and helps Jon and Stannis take back WInterfell.

Several of the free cities are raised to the ground by Daenerys after her dragons feasted on their occupants. The Pale Mare plague spreads throughout the free cities and reaches Westeros.

The Tattered Prince takes Pentos and the city is destroyed in the process.

[Manderly Maneater]

I've taken to calling all of the cars here at my house after the names of Daeny's dragons

My green car = Rhaegal

My sister's gold car = Viserion

Her husband's black and red car = Drogon

A few weeks ago I had an accident that pretty well junked my car. So I take it as a prophecy that Rhaegal will be the first dragon killed!

I can buy this. Dany will ride Drogon, and Tyrion will ride Viserion due to all the foreshadowing--admiration for past Visrys Targaryens, his ivory dragon in the cyvasse game, love of dragons etc. but I haven't seen any hints as to who will ride Rhaegal, which leads me to believe GRRM hasn't forshadowed it because Rhaegal will die before it's The Dragon Must Have Three Heads time. Although I guess it might be Jon if Rhaegar was his dad or whatever, even if Rhaegal was technically named after Rhaego who was nothing to do with Jon.

[SingleMort]

Here's a crazy theory. Quentyn isn't actually dead. His death was faked to stop Dany's new husband and the Sons of the Harpy from killing him.

Yeah I know its stupid

[Tak]

In a distant future, Earth's capacity to supply population is somehow exceeded with the invention of "kiss of life", precogniton, and creation of genetically engineered species. People thought they needed a second world since the technology was so advanced and people were so lazy to move onto another world. So they resurrected Stalin and Hitler(Tracking their ancestral lines), within hopes of they'd kick start a war.

In fact, they failed since they were so desperate after watching James Cameron's Avatar, reading Stephen King's Dark Tower and George RR Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire. When Stalin asked if he was going to declare a war; (By that time everyone could declare a war, but they send you short a head if you lack the influence.) he replied: Would that I could.

So with the help of a certain individual named Varys,(Actually rumored to be Martin's grand grand grand ... son)Stalin and Hitler managed to sneak into a starship, where you ought to freeze yourself during the journey. Yet, Hitler disagreed and Stalin gone furious. "I lived in Sankt Petersburg" He said. "If cold is what you fear, you certainly a craven. 'coz winter is coming." He actually highlighted the italic area since "italic" was somewhat similar to his surname.

Gods(Faith on Earth actually went back to Greek Gods, since Zeus along with his companionswere resurrected with the help of Zach Galifianakis' ancestral line.)were good and they landed on a fringe planet whose seasons were upside down (this was later understood that it was actually J.K Rowling caused this, since she openly blasphemed against the very laws of the universe even when she was told that "Magic is not a thing to exist.")

But Varys had more than that on his mind. He was actually a mad scientist who was told Frankestein every night before going to bed. (This actually caused his inability to father children) He improved the resurrection technique, so that he could raise corpses.

And somehow, Hitler swore that he'd never name Stalin again. So Stalin began to be called "___ ____". And began working on creating Novaya Soviet Union. This actually is an anagram of "Others" and rhymes with "Reek". Hitler, in turn, named himself R'hllor, since he loved fire and loved the letter "L". So they finally waged war at each other and plans were somewhat fulfilled.

BUT Varys had more than that on his mind. He wanted to rule the world since he was inlove with Varys on the books, (hence called himself "mummer")

Obviously Varys found other ways to reproduce. Everyone seemed or rumored to be eunuch was actually his descendants or oft himself in many cases. Tywin Lannister (Too much y and w to go unnoticed) for instance, HE HAS NO CHILDREN. Not Because King in the North "HAS HIS SON", he actually was too perfect for this world. (A Highlord not interested in women, possibly having no children, come on..)

The tales about Hardhome and hers going kaboom, actually has truth in it. Stalin made a nuclear experiment to check how he gets on well with fire. Visually he failed, and Others started to pour in. (Who comatize themselves to mimic Stalin's pilgrimage journey.)

Dragons are mechanical creatures invented to aid in housekeeping( clearly someone had a twisted sense of humor) back on real Earth(not the Real Earth on Battlestar Galactica, silly me... silly silly me.) They could reproduce and this explained their hermaphroditism. (Was a very popular trend after the return of Aphrodite, along with Zeus.) They somehow jumped into Hitler's pocket and mummered hibernation. The air in the new world was heavy and this made them enlarge and breathe fire (air was easier to burn, also explaining the cracked red priests burning fires everynight without any sign of lazyness.)

Having watched Avatar, Stalin experimented to build a tree network where you could upload your memories for Mother Russia. Hardhome, actually a result of this. He tried to destroy his failed work with an atom bomb. Yet, he failed to hit two birds with one rock.(In fact he couldn't convince people to dance like brainwashed Na'vi, so with a questionable manner; he sent a wave of Others. Ryhmes with Reek)

In the end, he couldn't root out the network because it contained billions of heavy weirwoord. A few jokers surnamed "God" later uploaded pornographic material to the network. Later, they became very addicted to it and they became one with the network.

Years pass, and they continue to struggle. Others(Actually there are four of them: George, R, R and Martin) don't question their religious routines. They just want to kill everyone. And Varys ran people stupid enough to fight against each other.

This is the brief history of the world as we know.

Valar Morghulis (Valar converted Minas Morgul.)

[Elundin]

@Tak: wouldnt hurt to take it slow on the drugs.

Seriously though, I laughed hard with this!!

[Cyl]

Okay, here's my crackpot theory, you guys!

R+L=J, and they even got a bigamous marriage making it so that Jon is technically a legitimate Targ theoretically placed between Aegon and Dany in the line of succession... BUT! (wait for it...)... it never actually matters. :o

Okay, okay, it matters about as much as FMs killing people with poisoned coins, i.e. if the reader doesn't know about it, a few small plot points don't make sense. But it's never widely known, no one tries to install him on the throne, no one ever tries to assassinate him over it, etc. Maybe Jon himself never even finds out. Maybe the books never explicitly say it, they just keep getting more heavy-handed with the hints!

Actually, I think this is even more likely to be the case with the "Sandor is alive" theory. I like to think Martin dropped those hints about him just so there'd be a least one character in the series who got a semi-happy ending. A not-too-horrifying ending.

[The Non-Human]

My theory is that Lemore is just Lemore.

...

Crazy, I know. :blushing: