Funny fake letters

[Alia of the knife]

Posted by King Aerys of House Targaryen, Second of his Name, King of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Protector of the Realm, in the Kings Landing Dailey

(Personal Ads):

Bitter, paranoid middle aged loser, wallowing in an unending sea of inert, drooping lonliness, looking for maidenly, needy leech-like hanger on to abuse with Dragon stories, tired sex and fire side chats, (emphasis on fire).

If interested, please send a raven to 90210 Kings Landing.

(If you'd like to meet, I'll be the one wearing the crown- bigger crown)

[Cosmic Maintenance Man]

From: Tywin

To: "Big Daddy" Walder Frey

Subject: Cease and Desist

Just because you slaughtered the young wolf at a Wedding feast and effectively secured my victory over the North does not give you the right to send me 'funny' ravens every week. I do not share your sense of humour nor are we friends, please desist from your messages.

Tywin Lannister

Warden of the West, Shield of Lannisport, Hand of the King, Lord of Casterly Rock and more important than you.

From: Roose Bolton

To: "Big Daddy" Walder Frey

I'm rather afraid that your plan to slaughter Tywin Lannister at a wedding party will not come to fruition. Try leeching instead, cools the blood. Also, I do not understand why you keep sending me these ravens that make little sense.

Lol, these were awesome! :D

[The Oncoming Storm]

From: Khal Drogo

To: Daario Naharis

Hello, dead man.

The sun has set in the east.

The Dothraki Sea has dried out.

Stupid pyramids flew in the wind like leaves.

Which means...

SOON.

Sharpening my arakh,

Drogo

[Serie]

From: Khal Drogo

To: Daario Naharis

Hello, dead man.

The sun has set in the east.

The Dothraki Sea has dried out.

Stupid pyramids flew in the wind like leaves.

Which means...

SOON.

Sharpening my arakh,

Drogo

From: Daario Naharis

To: Khal Drogo

blah, blah, blah.....

I kissed your girl and she LIKED IT!

:P :smileysex: :P :smileysex: :P :smileysex: :P

Daario -stay on the scene like a sex machine - Naharis

[Queen Cersei I]

From: Taena Merryweather, first confidant and wife in all but name of her Grace Queen Cersei Lannister, First of her Name, Rightful Queen of the Andals and the First men, etc.

To: "Ser" Jaime Lannister

CC: Lancel, Osney Kettleblack, and Moonboy too

Subject: She's MINE

Dear Jaime "left hand" Lannister:


Ha! I'm glad that you didn't respond to my fake note (from your sister) imploring you to come to Kings Landing to save her life and her honor, if you had ever loved her, before it's too late. I'm glad that you just left her to die a painful, humiliating death to the applause of readers everywhere.

Because-- guess what-- Cersei's obviously NOT going to die, oh no, she's going to linger on for the duration of two more books, during which she destroys herself, get's fat and ugly, proceeds to kill and destroy the entire Lannister family, lose her mind, kill her remaining children, and go down a beyond obvious bat shit crazy spiral as clichéd as it is patently ridiculous. She must show people that women who use sex to get ahead and rage against their patriarchal society are patently unacceptable, and that women who desire power are unnatural, stupid, crazy, and doomed for failure on an epic level. In order to accomplish this incredibly obvious, clichéd, and offensive downward spiral, she’s going to need at least two more books painfully sexist and poorly plotted POV chapters. So there you go.

But for now, she’s still hot… and all mine. Your golden Lannister hand will never be needed to explore Cersei’s inner treasures, to plunge into her swampy depths. She has me now, and I can pleasure her in ways you cannot even dream of, Kingslayer. Do not assume that your silly, adolescent like romps on the kings bed can compare to the truly forbidden delights and I can regale her with.

As for your legendary good looks, they, too, cannot compare to mine. I’ll have you know that Cersei has admired my breasts, with their “nipples black as horn.” Other parts of my body have provided her with such unfeigned delight that she has actually devised special nicknames for them. Now, if that’s not love, you tell me what is.

The intense pleasure and utter satisfaction she receives from our lovemaking is obvious to anyone. When we are together exploring our swampy depths, she shows no reaction, never smiles or laughs, but continuously stares at the wall with an expression of intense boredom on her face. Clearly, the pleasure I am giving her is so intense she fails to react to it, unable to express her sexual appreciation in the commonly used words and gestures.

So, kingslayer, Cersei has clearly fallen deeply in love with me and revealed herself as a secret, closeted lesbian. Why else would five pages of AFFC be dedicated to gratuitously describing our girl on girl experimentation? Not merely for the titillation of male viewers, I’m sure.

So, from now on, Kingslayer, your sister is mine. Your pleasure is in your own hands. Or, should I say, hand. The left one. Unless you enjoy the feel of metal.

Once they go Myrish, they never go back.

Your (sister’s) friend,

Lady Taena Merryweather, the Queen’s Hand

[Alia of the knife]

To: Lord Rickard Stark, Warden of the North and winner of the "Father of the Year Award."

From: "HomeAgain Pet ID & Recovery Service"

Re: Query into "Human" microchipping Services??!!!

Dear Sir,

In regards to your question about the possibility of "microchipping your kids," because you never seem to know where they are except for Ned who is boring and never goes anwhere, we are not yet at a point where we think this technology is available, possible, or on some level, not disturbing.

While we encourage this for your pets and livestock, we think nothing ever replaces the need for "hands on" parenting.

Yes, even here in Pentos, we've heard about your notorious kids who snuck off to the big Spring Break bash in Harrenhal. We've heard that the potent Brandon knocked up at least one notable Lady and is passing it off as his Brothers, (nobody is buying that though), and your little homewrecker, femme fatale daughter has taken the Prince away from his sickly wife, and kids.

(He's says he did it for prophesy- a line I plan on useing at the club tonight). :thumbsup:

Good Job.

We do wish you luck in your envdeavor to get a handle on your crazy kids, and once you find them, never let them leave Winterfell again, because frankly the Kingdom can't take it.

Sincerely,

Maester Fullocrap

Director of Technology

HAPIDRS

[HyacinthGirl]

(Sorry, broke the character rule...)

From: Cersei Lannister

To: Randy Newman

Subject: 'Short People'

Dear Ser Newman,

You're so right. Short people DO have no reason to live! We need more men like you on the council.

Cersei Lannister

From: Randy Newman

To: Cersei Lannister

Re: 'Short People'

Dear Miss Lannister,

I think you need to listen to the song again. "Short people are just the same as you and I..." See?

Mr Newman

[arwenundomiel]

From: Randy Newman

To: Cersei Lannister

Re: 'Short People'

Dear Miss Lannister,

I think you need to listen to the song again. "Short people are just the same as you and I..." See?

Mr Newman

From - Cersei Lannister

To - Randy Newman

RE - 'Short People'

In which case I'd like to introduce you to my friend Qyburn.

[Alia of the knife]

To: GRRM

From: Howland Reed

RE: "a target on my back."

Dear George,

I've heard rumors about the possibility of my early demise, and I have decided to not be a victim!

I'm leaving!

Yes, thats right.

I'm leaving!

I refuse to be another casualty in this series, so I am going to another series where I will be safer.

"The Walking Dead."

There are some real solid characters there with a decent lifespan.

They will need a guy like me with the skills I bring to the table.

Forget Glenn and his ability to sneak in and out of the dangerous, (and pathetic) situations "the group" puts him in.

Now I can sneak.

(We both know Dayne was killed due to my trickery).

I will be able to steal medicine, food, and pregnancy tests, (boy R&L could have used those).

I can teach them to eat frogs, bugs, and to see zombie attacks BEFORE they happen.

I can teach Darrel how to not only better use a crossbow, but a spear as well.

I will be MUCH more loyal to Rick than Shane is, (who is as batshit crazy as any Targ.).

And I can do the hard things that need to be done like killing Hershal who thought the Walkers were just "sick."

What an idiot.

They need someone who can truly go Medieval.

(I will require training with the "boom sticks" though, but I'm sure I can manage it).

So, good luck to your remaining characters, and may the gods help them.

Buh Bye George Martin

HELLO Robert Kirkman, (a writer I KNOW I can be safe with). ;)

Sincerely,

Howland Reed,

FORMERLY Your Character-who-knows-something-but-who-won't-live-to-tell-it.

[a free shadow]

Two ravens arrive. The first one is able to carry only the first part of the letter with all the titles of the sender Daenerys Targaryen. The second letter reads:

As I am not going to visit Westeros in person in the near (or far) future...

[Ser Lepus]

To: Daenerys Targayren.

From: The Great Other.

RE: "My butt is freezing."

Dear fire bitch, what are you waiting for? I´ve been here, sitting on a lump of snow under the fucking Great Wall, for like three years since you brought back the damn dragons, waiting for you so we can start our awesome climatic final fight, and honestly, it´s starting to get boring here...I mean, my cheecks are freezing, and that´s supposed to be impossible, that with me being made of ice and darkness and stuff, but I have been sitting on this fucking heap of frozen dung for so long that my balls are shrivelling...if you don´t come, like, NOW, I´m going to start without you, blow the Horn of Joramun, destroy the Wall and invade the Seven Kingdoms and freeze and kill everybody...it will be terribly boring and anticlimatic, but I´m already tired of this shit and I want to go back home...I´ve been sitting here for too long and my hemorroids are so bad that they are like a big red cushion under my ass, and there are roots growing in them...which is very disturbing, because I can´t but feel it´s as if that creepy Bloodraven were going up my butt...

Ugh! Do you see?! I´m starting to have weird intrusive thoughts again! It´s your fault, for keeping me for so much time doing nothing but waiting! This is practically a form of sensorial deprivation torture! Come already!.

Full-of-hate-for-everything-that-lives yours,

The Great Other.

P.S.: If you pass near Lys when coming here, bring me some anucort from one of their alchemy shops, pretty please with sugar on top, right?

[the Remarkable Other]

To: Daenerys Targayren.

From: The Great Other.

RE: "My butt is freezing."

Dear fire bitch, what are you waiting for? I´ve been here, sitting on a lump of snow under the fucking Great Wall, for like three years since you brought back the damn dragons, waiting for you so we can start our awesome climatic final fight, and honestly, it´s starting to get boring here...I mean, my cheecks are freezing, and that´s supposed to be impossible, that with me being made of ice and darkness and stuff, but I have been sitting on this fucking heap of frozen dung for so long that my balls are shrivelling...if you don´t come, like, NOW, I´m going to start without you, blow the Horn of Joramun, destroy the Wall and invade the Seven Kingdoms and freeze and kill everybody...it will be terribly boring and anticlimatic, but I´m already tired of this shit and I want to go back home...I´ve been sitting here for too long and my hemorroids are so bad that they are like a big red cushion under my ass, and there are roots growing in them...which is very disturbing, because I can´t but feel it´s as if Bloodraven were going up my butt...

Ugh! Do you see?! I´m starting to have weird intrusive thoughts again! It´s your fault, for keeping me for so much time doing nothing but waiting! This is practically a form of sensorial deprivation torture! Come already!.

Full-of-hate-for-everything-that-lives yours,

The Great Other.

P.S.: If you pass but Lys when coming here, bring me some anucort from one of their alchemy shop, pretty please with sugar on top, right?

Well, what can I say? :bowdown: :bowdown: :bowdown:

[Alys Karstark]

<Note that this sample raven mail is retrieved from the ruins of Winterfell. Maester Luwin might not have had the chance to read it and it is also possible that the same message has been sent to different Lords of Westeros>

To: Lord Eddard Stark

From: Jalabhar Xho, King of the Summer Islands

I am Jalabhar Xho from the Summer Islands. I am contacting you in respect of a family treasure of Gold deposited in my name by my late father who was King of the Summer Islands.

Despite being a well known king and strong politician, my father was brutally murdered, as he was accused of bending the knee to the Iron Throne of Westeros. Being from a polygamous home, and my mother being his last and most loving wife, we were abandoned after the death of my father by the members of his family. I was exiled without benefiting from any of my father's shared estate. My mother was humiliated and was left to the mercy of my father's other wives.

Right now, we are passing through great difficulties and I recently discovered a document which shows that when my father was still alive, he deposited a consignment of gold deposited in the Bank of Braavos, Summer Islands Main Branch. With the help of Lord Varys and Magister Illyrio, I have made inquiry to confirm this fact. Therefore, my mother and I have decided to sell this consignment of gold to a potential buyer overseas, preferrably Westeros, to enable us to use the proceeds to put our lives on course again by leaving the Summer Isles to start life afresh.

I want you to come with me to the Summer Isles and see for yourself what I am talking about as my beneficiary or help us effect the sale overseas. We are prepared to go into any agreement for percentage compensation of your anticipated help and we are very much prepared to part with 20% of the sales money for your help and assistance.

I am looking forward to hear from you in this respect as soon as you receive this raven.

Sincerely yours,

Jalabhar Xho

[Chise]

Two ravens arrive. The first one is able to carry only the first part of the letter with all the titles of the sender Daenerys Targaryen.

this, right here, wins you all the internets for the day!

[Alia of the knife]

To: Tyrion "Smith"

From: Royal Westeros Cruise Lines

Thank You for your interest and numerous requests on our Free Cities Cruises.

We here at Royal Westeros Cruise Lines pride ourselves in knowing exactly where whores go and in designing our cruises to cater to the needs of enthusiastically, curious gentlemen such as yourself.

Our "Where do Whores Go," tour offers you a "total immersion experience" amid the "unexplored" areas of the Free Cities.

You will go where whores go, eat where whores eat, and if you are so bold, sleep where whores sleep.

Our well-appointed galleys will spirit you across the Narrow Sea where you will spend your nights roaming the low-life districts of Pentos, Braavos, Tyrosh and Myr.

By Night our friendly and courteous tour guides, (or "whore" guides as we like to call them) are here to help you along on your odyssey of unrequited love and miasma of misery.

By day, it's back to the ship where our caring and non-judgemental staff will help you rest and recover, or allow you to languish in your own filth and vomit.

Enjoy spectacular sunsets on our promenade deck as you plan your next foray into despotism and self-pity.

Don't wait any longer for the get-away of a lifetime, because you deserve it.

Sincerely,

Ser Clement Clap,

Activities Director for Royal Westeros Cruise Lines.

[Stop Rhaegar HAMMERTIME!]

To : Jon

From : Ramsey

BASTARD !

Do you like me?

Tick one :

( ) Yes

( ) Maybe

P.S. I mean LIKE like!

XoXo :wub: Ramsey :wub: XoXo

[Alys Karstark]

Subject: Death By Shadow Baby

THIS RAVEN MAIL HAS BEEN CURSED! ONCE OPENED YOU MUST SEND IT

You are now cursed. You must send this on or you will be killed. At midnight, by a Shadow Baby. This is no joke. So don't think you can quickly get out of it because a Shadow Baby will come to you if you do not send this on. It will slit your throat and your wrists and pull your eyeballs out with a fork. Don't think this is a fake and it's all put on to scare you because your wrong, so very wrong. Want to hear of some of the sad, sad people who lost their lives or have been seriously hurt by this raven?

CASE ONE -

Ser Cortnay Penrose: He got this raven. Rubbish he thought. He pulled off his glove and flung it full in the raven's face. And now, Cortnay is dead, "fell" from a tower in Storm's End.

CASE TWO -

Lord Renly Baratheon: He planned to send this to 25 people. But he was distracted by Loras, inviting him to pray at the sept. Big mistake. That night, while Renly was preparing to wear his armor in his tent, the candles mysteriously flickered off several times. It went pitch black, Renly looked to the left of him and there it was, a shadow in the wall. Blood everywhere with a knife in its hand then disappeared.

Warning... NEVER look in the fire and repeat -"R'hllor, R'hllor, R'hllor!' It is the end for you tonight! YOU ARE NOW CURSED

We strongly advise you to send this raven on. It is seriously NO JOKE. We don't want to see another life wasted. ITS YOUR CHOICE... Want to DIE TONIGHT? If you send a raven to...

NO PEOPLE - You're going to die.

1-5 PEOPLE - You're going to either get hurt or get the biggest fright of your life.

5-15 PEOPLE - You will bring your family bad luck and someone close to you will die.

15-25 OR MORE PEOPLE - You are safe from the Shadow

*** DO NOT BREED THE RAVENS. PURCHASE MORE RAVENS FROM THE CITADEL ***

[Alia of the knife]

To: Rhaegar Targaryen, Good Son.

From: Rickard Stark, Lord of Winterfell, and winner of the "Father of the Year Award"

Subject: "Have I seen Lyanna?!"

Your asking me?!!!

(Psst, maybe you should ask Ser Arthur ......) ;)

From: Rhaegar Targaryen

To: My Good Father, Lord of Winterfell and winner of "Father of the Year Award"

Re: Have you Seen Lyanna?

:shocked:

[Shandurai]

To: Next of Kin for Rickard & Brandon Stark From:(inhale) Aerys Targaryen, Second of His Name, King of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Keeper of the Peace and Protector of the Realm Send marshmallows.

Best. :)

[Queen Cersei I]

From: Symon Sylvertongue

To: Shae

My darling,

Words cannot express the daily growing of my love for you. Each and every day my love for you is a spark of wildfire ignited on a dung heap stacked high with straw and wood—it grows and grows, and becomes more remarkably pungent by the second.

Oh Shae, how is it that a goddess such as you could love a middle-aged lickspittle like myself? How is it that with my--- completely normal, as you’ve assured me--- average sexual performance of roughly 2-3 minutes could satisfy a veritable goddess of the seraglio such as yourself?

But I do know I satisfy you, surely as no man before me has. For on this issue, I have your own beautiful words to assure me. Was it not you, my darling, who said, “Sweetling, after little Lord three strokes, you’re a regular man stallion!” Oh, Shae, how I wept with joy at hearing you praise me in such an effusive manner. I have never felt so strong, so hard, so much a man!

I have thought long and hard upon the manner, and decided I can no longer see you with that coarse, wicked, abusive premature ejaculator, TYRION LANNISTER. It is time for us to run away together forever, my darling. I have never brought this up to you, and realize that we have only slept together two and a half times (you were quite adorably drunk on Dornish red on both occasions, which I’m sure only served to further assure your already flawless judgment), however, the connection between us is too deep, too innate, to be denied a second longer.

Any lingering doubts were put to rest yesterday, when I asked you if you liked your wicked employer, after he had slapped you, condescended to you, and told you the only thing you were good for was sex. “My sweetest lady,” I said to you, upon bended knee, “tell me you do not love this knave!” “Well, I sure do love his money!” You replied profoundly.

Oh Shae, I agree! I love you, too, and I am willing with every ounce of my being to run away with you, and start a life together.

Though I have gathered that you are a unmaterialistic, modest girl who wants nothing more than to cook and clean and bear children for a man for the rest of your life, I think it is necessary that I gather some money--- just so I can buy a little cottage for the two of us that you can furnish, cook, clean, maintain, and fill with children you will birth then care for and raise, whilst I pursue my musical career.

Seeing the need for this, I have decided on a foolproof plan. Tyrion Lannister, perhaps due to his dazzling Lannister good looks, is known to be profoundly stupid. (I know this for a fact, as you yourself said last fortnight, “OMG OMG OMG Tyrion just slapped me and he is sooooo STUPID!” What further proof could I need?)

I plan to entrap the wicked dwarf in a brilliant scheme of my own devising. The plan will proceed as follows: first, I will blatantly and gracelessly threaten him, and trust in his natural meekness, innate honor, and fondness for being blackmailed and giving into assorted threats that he will not seek to disobey or double cross me in any way. With this, as well as the fact that I intend to go alone, unguarded and completely vulnerable, I am sure I shall be able to extract what I seek from the dwarf. And when I do, my music career can take off, and we can finally be together.

Oh Shae, I, too, am holding my breath for the day that we can be as one! (For did you not say to me, several fortnight’s past, upon being asked if you ever thought we’d be together, and you said (oh my darling!) “Oh yeah, can’t wait man, I’m holding my breath!”

Oh Shae! I too can barely live without you, and await the day when the wicked dwarf shall fall to my brilliant schemes, and I can take you to the life of simplicity and farm servitude you’ve always wanted.

Your Sexy Slyvertongue,

Symon.

From: Shae

To: Symon Sylvertongue

Dude,

Seriously? No, just no. And are you sure I actually slept with you? Standards have (for obvious reasons) fallen a little low as of late, but I’m pretty sure I’m not skimming off the very bottom of the barrel yet.

Also: Your plan sucks. Stop being a creeper, man.

--Shae.

To: Shae

From: Symon Sylvertongue

My shy darling,

Oh my bashful rose, I knew I was not alone in my feelings! I will carry on with my plan, and after tonight, the wicked dwarf will fall at the sword thrust of my undeniable cunning, and we can be together forever!!

Yours in everything,

Symon Sylvertongue