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Moshe Goldberg Rubinshteyn

GOODKIND VII, The sword of truthiness

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Or maybe a Shield of Lies or a Cloak of Lies? Who's wielder's defenses the SoT has to penetrate in order to free the world from death?

Other possibilities:

1. Gauntlet of Existential Despair

2. Yeard of Systematic Misrepresentation

3. Armor of Ignorance

4. Codpiece of Communism

5. The Birkenstock of the Peace Protestor

6. The Blunt Object of Non-Objectivists

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The Cloak of Communism has real promise, but this is Goodkind so I think something like The Cockring of Communism is more likely.

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Yeah, but the full name is probably "The Brutal and Unnecessary Gang Raping Cockring of Communism and Other Non-Yeardly Ideologies"

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As a public service, from Jon Targaryen's ComicCon report in the BwB Forum:

George wants us to go easy on Terry Goodkind. His webmaster said to George, "If you can't something say something nice, don't say anything at all" to which George responded, "Am I Thumper?"

This has been your public service announcement for the day. Carry on. :P

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A long time ago, in a kingdom far, far away...

"Richard" breathed Darth Rahl, through the black helmet that formed part of his Dark Mord-Sith Lord outfit, "I am your father."

"Noooooo!" cried Richard, wishing he still had his Sabre of Light. He had surrendered it to Darth Rahl as part of a scheme to get closer to the evil emperor, Billary Clayton. Why was he here? He was just a simple farm boy who had been dragged into events beyond his control; all he wanted was to return to the land of Tatooine where everyone was free, and self-interested capitalism was the only law.

Meanwhile, in the kingdom of Endor, Chase's scheme to destroy the magic barrier had gone badly wrong. They had painted themselves white to fool the Imperial Forces into thinking that they were ghosts, because the Imperial Order were scared of ghosts, but at the last minute it had rained and their cover was blown. They were rounded up and prepared for torture and execution.

His hands bound, Richard was led before the Evil Emperor. Evil Incarnate. His beak clacked evilly and his evil red eyes gleamed an evil red as he regarded the hapless hero. But then, Richard heard an unearthly voice. It was the spirit of his old mentor, Zedd Zenobi!

"Use the thing! Richard, use the thing!" called Zenobi.

Richard's head snapped up. Who was this Imperial Order, to deny him his freedom and life? His thing rose up and with one bound he was free. The Sabre of Light blazed white and he hacked the chicken into small pieces. It had not truly been a chicken after all.

Back on Endor, the noble warriors who were strangely inept without Richard to lead them were on the verge of execution. Suddenly some furry shapes swooped down on the Imperial Guards. It was the gars! With a variety of comic and poignant antics, they defeated the Imperial Order and broke the magic barrier.

"Strike me down with all of your power, and you will take my place as the lord of Evil!" said Darth Rahl, backing away.

"Not a problem," said Richard, and killed him with a mighty blow. "I know there was no good in you and you deserve to die. This death star is exactly what I need though, and all these stormtroopers will come in very handy in the next book when we go forth to conquer the rest of the galaxy to save them from muddy thinking and replace it with moral clarity."

He returned to Endor with his new army. Gratch bounded over and gave him a big furry cuddle. Kahleia approached. "Richard, I'm not really your sister, I just had to say that because of a spell - now we can get married after all!"

But all that will have to wait until the next episode...

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That was hilarious, MinDonner, but I must say, I demand Kahleia in a gold bikini! It's a must. :D

And by the way, this may sound odd, who's Thumper? The only Thumper I know is the bunny in Bambi.

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[mod] Folks, I would please, please ask you to respect the board's rules on one-liners, expecially 'reaction' posts.

This thread is worse than most for posts that express nothing more than 'me-too' or 'that was great' sentiments. They waste space. You do not need to tell people you liked this or that, or that it was funny, etc. Nor do we want to see posts that consist entirely of emoticons.

Goodkmind threads have tried my patience on this issue before, and I am going to start deleting such posts. It is not actually a good thing for threads to reach twenty pages in the space of days, particularly if most of them is not actually substantial discussion of the topic. [/mod]

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I know arguing with moderators is rarely a good idea, but I would like to dispute this. This isn't supposed to be a serious discussion of serious matters; it's a place for jokes at the expense of Mr Goodkind (BBHN). The correct reaction to serious discussion points is further argument and analysis, but the correct reaction to jokes is :lol: or "that was funny" posts - without that reaction, there's no point in making the jokes in the first place; if no-one's laughing then you have no idea about whether you're actually being funny or just annoying.

Just my $0.02, anyway.

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I know arguing with moderators is rarely a good idea, but I would like to dispute this. This isn't supposed to be a serious discussion of serious matters; it's a place for jokes at the expense of Mr Goodkind (BBHN). The correct reaction to serious discussion points is further argument and analysis, but the correct reaction to jokes is :lol: or "that was funny" posts - without that reaction, there's no point in making the jokes in the first place; if no-one's laughing then you have no idea about whether you're actually being funny or just annoying.

Just my $0.02, anyway.

Sorry, Min: the FAQ is crystal clear on the subject. One-liners waste space and are discouraged, especially if they're just to say 'that was funny'. You'll have to judge without that feedback. ;)

Besides which I am not too comfortable with the idea that we have threads solely to make jokes at anyone's expense. Discussion of Mr Goodkind's work is fine, even if 90% of that discussion is 'why it's dreadful', but having threads just to mock - well, it does seem mean-spirited to me.

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Dear Scott Lynch

Due to your recent endorsement of Min Donner in the Terry Goodkind thread and the subsequent awarding of a prize, one signed copy of your excellent debut novel The Lies Of Locke Lamora, you have unwittingly turned said thread into a festival of copycat Goodkind-spoof rip-offs as all players seek to similarly gain approval and a prize of similar worth. Thus has the thread gotten away from its true purpose of discussing how dreadful Mr Goodkind's novel truly are. I hope you are happy with yourself Mr Lynch now you see the horror you have loosed upon us all. How do you sleep at night?

Yours in disgust and concern

theMountainGoat

On a personal note: Good work fella :thumbsup:

*theMountainGoat wanders away to put his thinking cap on so he to can come up with an original spoof with which to entertain the masses* :leaving:

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*theMountainGoat wanders away to put his thinking cap on so he to can come up with an original spoof with which to entertain the masses* :leaving:

I'm sure you'll turn up something original. :lol:

As for me, I'm quite content just reading the parodies. I could write one, but I fear my brain would collapse if I tried writing anything the Goodkind way. :/

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Wow, I leave the threads unattended for a few days because I'm stuck traveling across the Atlantic and discover there's another new Goodkind Thread.

With exciting new trends. Now I can only watch in frank adoration of the parodies that have been produced. Like Wolf Maid, I think my brain would explode if I tried to write something. Instead I'll continue with the exciting process of packing down all my worldly posessions into boxes. And take frequent breaks to see what amusing things people have written here :)

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While skimming through the books to find a suitable QotD I came across something rather amusing: The Acknowledgements and Dedications. Holy crap. So I thought I’d throw these together to make today’s Terry Goodkind Quote of the Day.

I would like to thank some special people:

My agent, Russell Galen, for having the guts to be the first to pick up the sword and making my dreams reality. <sword? okay.>

My editor, James Frenkel, not only for his exceptional editorial talent, guidance, and improvements in the book, but also for his boundless good humor and patience at teaching me to be a better author along the way. […] <uh huh>

And two very special people, Richard and Kahlan, for choosing me to tell their story. Their tears and triumphs have touched my heart. I will never be the same again. <groan>

~Terry Goodkind, Wizard’s First Rule

[…]I thank the spirit of Richard and Kahlan, who continue to inspire me. <Ack!>

-Blood of the Fold

Dedicated to the people in the United States Intelligence Community who, for decades, have valiantly fought to preserve life and liberty, while being ridiculed, condemned, demonized, and shackled by the jackals of evil. <I’m sure the C.I.A is thrilled to have TG backing them up.>

-The Pillars Of Creation.

That was all pretty short (I had a really rough weekend, gimme a break), so just as an extra I’ll throw this in. In Soul of the Fire there is a kind of explanation of the Chimes from Kolo’s journal:

Beware when day meets dark. Beware crossroads, where they skulk. They can lurk in fire’s crackle and easily travel on sparks. Beware gloomy places among rocks, under things, down holes and caves and shafts of every kind. Beware crags and edges and water’s brink-the fey creatures slip along borders, where this meets that.

Some are of terrible icy beauty. Most are shaped by whim. They often crave attention. Pray not provoke them, for they revel in causing extravagant harm, and are dangerous in the extreme. They are tireless hunters, these thieves of magic, without empathy, without a soul[…] <are you scared yet? From now on I’m going to avoid places where this meets that. WTF?>

~Terry Goodkind, Soul of the Fire

I'll get back to the story tomorrow.

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Wow, so Richard and Kahlan touch The Yearded One in as deep and meaningful way as He touches us. I'm almost at a loss for words.

And yes, I am sure that everyone at the CIA finds it very reassuring that TG is supporting them. Who are the jackals of evil, anyway? Are we jackals? Because if we are, that would be kind of cool.

Do we think that TG thinks of Richard and Kahlan as being real to him?

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Crossroads bad. Intelligence agencies good.

I'm glad I read these threads, or i'd never have got the subtlety of these messages.

My agent, Russell Galen, for having the guts to be the first to pick up the sword and making my dreams reality.

My editor, James Frenkel, not only for his exceptional editorial talent, guidance, and improvements in the book, but also for his boundless good humor and patience at teaching me to be a better author along the way.

Now we know who to blame.... :mellow:

shackled by the jackals

He's a poet and he don't know it.....

Sorry. :|

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...shafts of every kind.

~Terry Goodkind, Soul of the Fire

:lol: Sorry, that tickled me. Those editors, gotta love that nit-picking pedantry and the way they pick up on all of Terry's more dubious sentences, gawd bless 'em!

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My editor, James Frenkel, not only for his exceptional editorial talent, guidance, and improvements in the book, but also for his boundless good humor and patience at teaching me to be a better author along the way. […] <well, Mr Frenkel might be a good editor, but he sure is a lousy teacher>

And two very special people, Richard and Kahlan, for choosing me to tell their story. Their tears and triumphs have touched my heart. I will never be the same again. <So, you had an epiphany? Wow - what was it like before?>

~Terry Goodkind, Wizard’s First Rule

[…]I thank the spirit of Richard and Kahlan, who continue to inspire me. <So it is seances now?>

-Blood of the Fold

Beware when day meets dark. Beware crossroads, where they skulk. They can lurk in fire’s crackle and easily travel on sparks. Beware gloomy places among rocks, under things, down holes and caves and shafts of every kind. Beware crags and edges and water’s brink-the fey creatures slip along borders, where this meets that.

<Beware diversity. Beware cultivating knowledge. Beware precise descriptions>

~Terry Goodkind, Soul of the Fire

Mad Moose, you have found some rare gems.

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While skimming through the books to find a suitable QotD I came across something rather amusing: The Acknowledgements and Dedications. Holy crap. So I thought I’d throw these together to make today’s Terry Goodkind Quote of the Day.

I would like to thank some special people:

My agent, Russell Galen, for having the guts to be the first to pick up the sword and making my dreams reality. <sword? okay.>

My editor, James Frenkel, not only for his exceptional editorial talent, guidance, and improvements in the book, but also for his boundless good humor and patience at teaching me to be a better author along the way. […] <uh huh>

And two very special people, Richard and Kahlan, for choosing me to tell their story. Their tears and triumphs have touched my heart. I will never be the same again. <groan>

~Terry Goodkind, Wizard’s First Rule

[…]I thank the spirit of Richard and Kahlan, who continue to inspire me. <Ack!>

-Blood of the Fold

Dedicated to the people in the United States Intelligence Community who, for decades, have valiantly fought to preserve life and liberty, while being ridiculed, condemned, demonized, and shackled by the jackals of evil. <I’m sure the C.I.A is thrilled to have TG backing them up.>

-The Pillars Of Creation.

He does realise Richard and Kahlan are not real people right? Right?

That was all pretty short (I had a really rough weekend, gimme a break), so just as an extra I’ll throw this in. In Soul of the Fire there is a kind of explanation of the Chimes from Kolo’s journal:

Beware when day meets dark. Beware crossroads, where they skulk. They can lurk in fire’s crackle and easily travel on sparks. Beware gloomy places among rocks, under things, down holes and caves and shafts of every kind. Beware crags and edges and water’s brink-the fey creatures slip along borders, where this meets that.

Some are of terrible icy beauty. Most are shaped by whim. They often crave attention. Pray not provoke them, for they revel in causing extravagant harm, and are dangerous in the extreme. They are tireless hunters, these thieves of magic, without empathy, without a soul[…] <are you scared yet? From now on I’m going to avoid places where this meets that. WTF?>

~Terry Goodkind, Soul of the Fire

I'll get back to the story tomorrow.

For some reason, this reminds me of this speech from the life of brian....

There shall in that time be rumors of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia-work base, that has an attachment. At that time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight O'clock.

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This thread is worse than most for posts that express nothing more than 'me-too' or 'that was great' sentiments. They waste space. You do not need to tell people you liked this or that, or that it was funny, etc.

Happens in Gen Chatter everyday hell I was just there and saw a thread that was nothing but one liner. It’s true that in this thread it does happen more but that’s just because of the size of the thread. I do not have a problem with the one liner rule, but it not universally enforced. The reason that your trying to enforce it now is these threads have become to popular and active.

I do think that it is important to tell someone that you liked there post and it was funny because how else do they know if it was a good or bad. It's the only way we have to show our appreciation of each other as there is no rep system here.

I think the real problem is that these threads are incredibly funny but have gone on for too long. I think we all need to take a break from the Goodkind bashing for awhile and let the heat cool down. It seems that the higher ups are starting to get shit over this and I would like to avoid that. I say we take a break for a month or two.

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Though there isn't a "rep" system in place here, it would be simple enough to show ones appreciation for a humorous post via PM. I agree that General Chatter is rife with one-liners and that rules should be applied universally, but the Goodkind threads have crossed other lines as well, such as bashing other boards. I don't think it necessary to stop these threads, or take a break, but we do need to be more mindful of what we say here. If the threads are stopped, my mornings will be completely shot.

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