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Moosicus

GOODKIND X: Lemmings of Discord

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"Real Women Worship Men"

"If You Shoot An Arrow At Me, I'll Catch It"

"Beware: Thing Rising"

"We Love How He Touches Us"

"I Was Gang-Raped and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt"

"Never Get Involved in a Land War In D'Hara"

"This Is My War Wizard Outfit"

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My signature would be great on one of those, complete with a swastika of course. :P

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"This Is My War Wizard Outfit"

"My War Wizard Outfit Is At The Cleaners"

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TG (BBNC) should be paying us for the brainstorming for his T-shirts. :P

I want a check for the psychological damage these shirts are going to cause.

A blank check.

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After lurking in this thread, I finally decided to register, because I got an inspiration, an evil inspiration that could not be denied. I wrote a rape scene parody. MY EYES.

Apologies to Stephen R. Donaldson.

--------------------

Lord Rahl's Bane

Covenang looked up at her. "Well, underage girl, take off your clothes. Or would you rather I tear them off you. Your choice."

He tore off Kahlena's dress-thing. Her limbs would not move; she was helpless with anguish.

"You are a part of my imagination, now," he said in a low, dangerous tone. "You belong to my demented subconsciousness - no one else's. I can imagine myself doing whatever I wish with you. If I visualize impaling your belly with a spear, the duty of my neural cells is to imagine you bleeding to death. If I fantasize giving you to Darkendrool Rockworm and his two Cavewightish pals, Stonecarrot and Mineraltentacle, you will walk all the way to People's Mount Thunder for it, whether you like it not, whether you do it willingly or not, whether you feel like doing it or not, whether it's on your to-do list or not, whether you are proactive about it or not. You belong to my demented subconsciousness now. Your fate is what I re-enact from my hentai collection. You have no choice in what happens to you. None. None whatsoever. Zero. None at all. Plain none. Everything that happens to you is by my sexual deviance alone."

"It's still rape fantasy."

"Of course it's rape fantasy! That's my twisted kink! That's what you have coming in this wet dream of mine!"

He charged the bit of ground with Kahlena on it like an enraged Sandgorgon. His grey eyes were filled with normal eye-goo thing and a gaze like a raptor. Kahlena had it all planned out but she panicked and forgot all her plans. Covenang instantly glided to rest on top of her.

She was better than he was. He was only the prophecied White Communism Wielder, the only one with a chance of saving the universe from Lord Rahl's speeches. He could only have her by force (or by saying please). He could never have her willingly (without saying please) because she was better than she was, and she deserved better by far, like Lord Rahl the Objectivist or a resurrected Zedd Halfhand, the greatest hero in history. He could never have an underage, naive, hero-worshipping, country hick girl like her except by force (or by saying please) because he was a "leper outcast unclean", whatever that meant, and even though he wasn't one anymore other than in his mind.

"Is your figment of imagination of figments of imagination satisfactory, ur-Lord?" she mocked.

<snip>

He abruptly rolled over onto her. "You can't imagine how long I've wanted to do this to you... Well, you can: the entire day we have known each other," he said in a suddenly menacing voice.

"No," he said to himself. "No, this is not what I want."

Kahlena was bewildered. She wasn't sure she had heard what she thought she'd heard. What Covenang had just said had been very bewildering. It was so bewildering that she wasn't sure of what she had heard and was bewildered. She was confused, now.

"No," he repeated again. "Not like this. You don't want this, but it would only be mildly graphic. You would not like it, but it wouldn't be excessively graphic and disgusting. I want to do this both to you and Lord Rahl the Objectivist (or Zedd Halfhand or Triochase the Ordinary Cattleherd). I want you to develop a mental illness from the terror and shame. I want you to fall in love with me and develop a delusion that I love you. I want you to start imagining that you've stopped aging. I want that memory be repressed but subconsciously haunt you for however long you might live, haunt Lord Rahl (or whoever) forever, every time he looks at you. I want him to learn to be an unhappy but caring substitute husband/mental health nurse, to take care of what you have come to represent to him. To take care of your beautiful and talented baby daughter, the beautiful and talented baby daughter I will give to you and later fall in love with.

"To do that, you have to know that you are a figment of my filthy imagination, first. If I do this to you now, it will only dull you to me, spoil the exquisite porn-value it would generate if you were an experienced courtesan. You have to know. You have to memorize Kamasutra, you have to memorize it all, become a total slut on your own, if this is to truly be rape fantasy... and I intend it to be the rape fantasy causing the highest percentage of readers to quit the book that you can suffer, a rape fantasy that will give you a child that he will see as a step-daddy's little girl, as a sweet, innocent baby."

He grinned at her. "And if you get the idea of not trying to sneak away, or worse, to go down on me in my sleep, you had better forget it right now. It won't work. I'm impotent."

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'If you think this is hot you should see my travelling pants.'

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A SoTing of Donaldson? Oh, horror and heresy...

Does anyone else have the impression that Goodkind is sort of the... anti-Donaldson? Both of them are philosophical, both of them have heroes overcoming impossible odds, both of them seem to invoke either adoration or disgust in their readers, both of them make a big deal out of integrity and making choices...

The only real difference would seem to be that Donaldson is... you know... not stupid, insane and evil. ;) Though I suppose not everyone here will agree with me on that count.

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I needed a laugh so I went to check out the official Goodkind forum. Here are some things I learned:

1. Some people aren't sure, or don't think, that the IO is based on Communist Russia. :rolleyes:

http://www.prophets-inc.com/forums/showthread.php?t=4152

2. The Namble rape isn't included as one of the "sexiest" scenes in theseries. But "apple" is...

http://www.prophets-inc.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3707

3. Of the 89 people that responded to the "How old are you" poll, 5 were over 30.

http://www.prophets-inc.com/forums/showthread.php?t=4063

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I want a check for the psychological damage these shirts are going to cause.

A blank check.

Class action suit against TG for his books? :rofl:

After lurking in this thread, I finally decided to register, because I got an inspiration, an evil inspiration that could not be denied. I wrote a rape scene parody. MY EYES.

Goodkind continues to inspire all of us. Donaldson must be getting shivers up his spine...

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MR BENN'S WAR WIZARD ADVENTURE

Sheer genius - I'll never be able to watch Mr Benn again :cry:

QOTD :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick:

WTF? It doesn't take more than 5 minutes to find out the names of different types of Arrow head... oh and WTF???

Still gotta love the Mud People's (now there's an imaginative name...) nickname for Richard! :lol:

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:rofl: - the Donaldson & Mr Benn parodies are fantastic! Once I stop being so bloody busy at work I'll get compiling them with the rest.

Another one that will lose the non-Brits, I'm afraid, but hey ho - this is the Yeardian take on that awful sitcom about occupied France, Allo Allo...

Enter RENE RAHL, dressed in a War Waiter outfit and polishing a glass.

Rene (to camera): What? Why are you looking at me like zat? Yes, it is true, zis is a sad comedown for an 'ero such as myself, to be polishing glasses in some occupied village, but after the events of last week what do you expect? After our escapades in ze castle trying to steal ze valuable painting of ze Dark Sister Wiz Ze Big Boobies which was 'idden in ze giant comedy sausage, zen getting caught up in ze plot to rescue ze dragon egg from ze gars (wiz hilarious consequences), I am 'appy for a bit of a rest...

[Enter Nicci, glamorous agent of La D'Haran Resistance]

Nicci (looking around suspiciously): Listen very carefully, I shall say zis only once! [canned laughter]. Ze Imperial Generals are 'aving a testicle barbecue tonight! Zis will be our chance to sneak into ze Old World and burn down all zeir cities and murder zeir children! Meet me by ze fountainhead at midnight! But first, I must 'ave a kiss!

[They snog, passionately. Enter Kahlan, Rene's haggard old wife]

Kahlan: RENE! What are you doing wiz zat woman?!

Rene: YOU STUPID WOMAN! [canned laughter]. Can you not see I am 'elping 'er wiz 'er disguise? Wiz 'er boobies on display like zis, ze Imperial Order will never recognise 'er!

[Nicci leaves, blowing a kiss when Kahlan's back is turned. Kahlan stomps off to the kitchen.]

ETA: Allo Allo webpage, in case you're interested...

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:

[They snog, passionately. Enter Kahlan, Rene's haggard old wife]

Kahlan: RENE! What are you doing wiz zat woman?!

Rene: YOU STUPID WOMAN! [canned laughter]. Can you not see I am 'elping 'er wiz 'er disguise? Wiz 'er boobies on display like zis, ze Imperial Order will never recognise 'er!

[Nicci leaves, blowing a kiss when Kahlan's back is turned. Kahlan stomps off to the kitchen.]

*dies with laughter*

Zis is zee best zing I 'ave read today!

You :owned:, MinDonner! (damn, I really love using that smiley)

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Allo Allo is hardly something that is known only in the UK...

Never heard of it. QotD coming up shortly.

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'allo 'allo... ouch... in pain...

:sick: :sick: :rofl:

I'm now trying not to picture Herr Janglan of the Gestapo... and comedy incompitant evil wizards with "little Chariots"...

urgh, Six as Helga... :sick:

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Never heard of it. QotD coming up shortly.

Guess it's made it to Europe but not across the Atlantic, then... you haven't missed much. Think lots of jokes about people pronouncing words wrong so they sound a bit rude, and references to boobs, limp-wristed Nazi officers, toilets and sausages, and you're there.

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Good afternoon and welcome once again to the Terry Goodkind Quote of the Day. Sorry it’s later than usual but I had a dentist appointment this morning. Today we get a look at Nicci (quite the look) when she is still an evil person. As you may recall, in Faith of the Fallen Nicci used a “maternity spell†on Kahlan that was enough of a threat that it forced Richard to follow her to Altur’Rang and do whatever else she tells him. Here’s a classic scene I like to call “Nicci is a dirty slutâ€.

Richard stood in the center of the room, watching her, a puzzled frown creasing his brow between his eyes. Nicci closed the distance to him. She was aware of the exposed flesh of her bosom rising and falling above the top of her black dress. Gadi had just been staring at her bosom. She wanted Richard to stare at her like that. Richard watched only her eyes.

Her fingers tightened around his muscled arms.

“Make love to me,†she whispered.

His brow drew down. “What?â€

“Richard, I want you to make love to me. Now.â€

He appraised her eyes for an eternity. Her heart thundered in her ears. Every fiber of her being screamed out for him to take her. She teetered on the edge, waiting, her life suspended in the exquisite anguish of expectation.

His voice came, not at all harsh. If anything, it was tender, but it was also resolute. “No.â€

Nicci felt as if a thousand needles of ice were dancing up her arms. His refusal stunned her. No man had ever refused her.

It hurt to her core – worse than anything Jagang or any other man had ever done. She had thought…

Blood rushed to her face, melting the ice in a flash of heat. Nicci flung open the door. “Come out into the hall and wait,†she commanded in a shaky voice.

He was standing in the center of their room, looking into her eyes. The lamp on the table cast harsh shadows across his face. His shoulders looked so broad, tapering down to his waist, a waist she ached to encircle with her arms. She wanted to scream. Instead she spoke softly, but with authority he could not mistake.

“You will come out into the hall and wait, or…â€

Nicci made a snipping gesture with two fingers.

By the look in his eyes, he knew that she was not bluffing. Kahlan’s life now hung by a thread, and if he didn’t do as she ordered, she would not hesitate to cut that thread.

With his gray eyes on her the whole time, Richard stepped out into the hall. She put a finger to the center of his chest and pushed until his back was against the wall beside their door.

“You are to wait right there, on that spot, until I tell you that you may move from it.†She gritted her teeth. “Or Kahlan will die. Do you understand?â€

“Nicci, you’re better than this. Think about what you’re-“

“Or Kahlan will die. Do you understand?â€

He let out a breath. “Yes.â€

Nicci marched to the stairwell. Gadi stood halfway up the stairs, his dark eyes watching. He arrogantly descended toward her, until he was at the bottom with her. He had a fine form, she supposed, displayed as it was without a shirt. He was close enough to feel the heat of him.

Nicci looked him in the eye. He was the same height as she.

“I want you to have sex with me.â€

“What?â€

“My husband does not adequately take care of my needs. I wish you to.â€

A smirk spread on his face as his gaze slid to Richard. He looked back at her bosom, at what was within his power to possess.

Gadi was young and bold and stupid enough to believe himself irresistible to her, to believe his puerile primping had swept away her inhibitions to the point of helpless lust for what he had to offer.

One arm pulled her to him. With his other hand, he swept her hair out of the way. His thin lips kissed her neck. When his teeth raked her flesh, she moaned to encourage him to be rough. The last thing in the world she wanted was tenderness. There could be no retribution in tenderness. Tenderness would not cleave Richard’s soul with anguish. Tenderness would not hurt him.

Gadi’s hands squeezed her bottom, pulling her hard against his groin. He moved against her in a lewd fashion. She panted in his ear to encourage his confidence in his dominion over her body.

“Tell me why.â€

“I’m sick of his gentle nature, his kind touch, his caring ways. That’s not what a real woman needs. I want him to know what a real man can do – I want what he can’t give me.â€

She nearly cried out in pain when he twisted her nipple.

“Yeah?â€

“Yes. I want what a real man like you can do for a woman.â€

His rough hands squeezed her breast. She performed another moan. He smiled.

“My pleasure.â€

His smirk sickened her. “No, mine,†she whispered in breathy submission.

He cast one more hateful glare at Richard, then bent to slip a hand up the front of her dress to see if she really meant it, if she would really let him have his way with her. His hand slid up the inside of her bare thigh, commanding surrender. She obediently parted her legs for him.

Nicci held on to his shoulders as her groped her. His upper lip curled in a haughty grin. His fingers worked without mercy. Her eyes watered. She trembled and bit the inside of her cheek to hold back her cry. Mistaking agony for lust, he was inflamed by her whimpers.

Jagang and his friend Kadar Kardeef, to name but a few, took her without her consent. None of it had ever approached the sense of violation she felt at that moment as she stood there in the hall letting that smirking little thug do to her as he would.

She forced her hand down between them and seized him.

“Gadi, are you afraid of Richard? Are you man enough to take me while he is outside the room, listening to us, knowing you are his better with me?â€

“Afraid? Of him?†His voice came in a husky growl. “Just tell me when.â€

“Right now. I need it from you now, Gadi.â€

“I thought so.â€

Nicci smiled inwardly at his solemn look of lust.

“Say ‘please,’ first, you little whore.â€

“Please.†She ached only to crush his worthless skull. “Please, Gadi.â€

With his arm around her waist, Gadi gave Richard a taunting sneer as he swaggered past. Nicci’s fingers on Gadi’s back urged him to go on into their room and wait. He smiled over his shoulder and did as she wanted. Nicci paused to glare into Richard’s eyes.

“We are linked. What happens to me, happens to her. I hope you are not foolish enough to think I wouldn’t make you sorry for the rest of your days if you don’t stay right there. I swear to you, she will die this night if you don’t stay there.â€

“Nicci, please don’t do this. You’re only hurting yourself.â€

His voice was so tender, so compassionate. She almost threw her arms around him to beg him to stop her…but the flame of his refusal still burned shamefully in her heart.

Nicci turned back from the doorway and gave Richard a vicious grin. “I hope your Kahlan enjoys this as much as I’m going to enjoy it. After tonight, she will never believe in you again.â€

~Terry Goodkind, Faith of the Fallen

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