MinDonner Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 I think it's dangerous to assume that shitty behaviour is always down to low self-esteem; nice people are too willing to believe that as an excuse, which means that not-nice people are keen to encourage that belief and thus get away with it. Did you even find out why TDG broke up with her last bf? No reason it couldn't have been because she kept tormenting her ex with thinly-veiled (but deniable, how could you think such a thing??) hints of infidelity. Mentioning hot-other-people-just-in-passing is classic manipulator strategy, though an odd one for the first date. :dunno: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddington Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Folks should make sure to also click on the photos. Incredible. Well each to their own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yagathai Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 I think it's dangerous to assume that shitty behaviour is always down to low self-esteem; nice people are too willing to believe that as an excuse, which means that not-nice people are keen to encourage that belief and thus get away with it. Did you even find out why TDG broke up with her last bf? No reason it couldn't have been because she kept tormenting her ex with thinly-veiled (but deniable, how could you think such a thing??) hints of infidelity. Mentioning hot-other-people-just-in-passing is classic manipulator strategy, though an odd one for the first date. :dunno: Won't she be surprised when she finds out I don't give a fig about sexual fidelity. :lol: Anyway, she said it was due to the standard emotional unavailability issues, which is hilarious if she's looking for a break from that with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily Valley Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Yags, If that's the case, she sounds like a unicorn hunter. May you both have a great time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yagathai Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 DML wants to do brunch! But I have a day job! NOOOOOO Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelli Fury Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Ugh, the V situation is becoming truly precarious. I didn't end up going out with anyone else because I just didn't want to on account of being all disgusting and smitten. In a day to day hanging out sense, he's perfect. We just fit right in with each other and we are flawlessly sexually compatible- and I have weird tastes. But, none of that changes the fact that the situation carries major deal breakers. Not living in Minnesota is the largest of these, I'm not open to discussion about moving away or being with someone who will never be here. He's also poly amorous, which I didn't mention because #1, I am basically that way through most of the dating process and #2, he was not a candidate for the parts of the dating process where I care about exclusivity because of the distance. V was getting very gushy telling me about his feelings and I reminded him that he doesn't live here and he is leaving. He said that they aren't going to be gone as long this time (last time they left for 6 months) and "you don't know what could happen" which I'm pretty sure was him hinting that he isn't as committed to New York as I am to Minneapolis. I know B (who he's living with here) is entirely aware of my position on these deal breakers. When I was seeing him I explained them and we've discussed them at length with regard to V. I'd be shocked if he hadn't told him all about it. So, I think V is trying to give the impression I could talk him out of those things after this tour. I wouldn't, of course. I don't think those are things you can ask someone to do for you, they have to do it because they want to. But, it makes it all much more complicated than "you're leaving, I can't keep you" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deleted01 Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raja Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 You could be a sitcom in the making. Yeah, no. The cliches aren't lost on me, but meh. I have so far succeeded in not making a fool out of myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelli Fury Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 V has become aware that in order to keep me there would have to be major life changes for him with regards to living in my state and giving up polyamory. He says that he wants to do that. Right now, I skirted major discussion of it because I want him to do those things out of his own desires rather than mine. I also think he needs to sit down and think about how this could work in reality before I believe in it. But, he's here until the end of May and we have some time we can still spend together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kungtotte Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 That sounds promising, Kay! I hope it works out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arkhangel Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I'm going to ask a question which I hope is not offensive - what's the difference between the lifestyle, which many people on this thread seem to have, of dating and sleeping with multiple partners within the same time period and polyamory? If you're having sex and romantic relationships with multiple people simultaneously, aren't you by definition polyamorous? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prince Alexander Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 "Permission", "keeping" someone, argh, eyes burn.. What happened to loving unconditionally - or maybe there was never such thing in the world in the first place, and I'm just deluding myself. I'm going to ask a question which I hope is not offensive - what's the difference between the lifestyle, which many people on this thread seem to have, of dating and sleeping with multiple partners within the same time period and polyamory? If you're having sex and romantic relationships with multiple people simultaneously, aren't you by definition polyamorous? Wiki defines polyamory as having more than 1 continuous relationship in the same time period with consent and knowledge of all participants. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arkhangel Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 "Permission", "keeping" someone, argh, eyes burn.. What happened to loving unconditionally - or maybe there was never such thing in the world in the first place, and I'm just deluding myself.\ Of course there was never such a thing, and it would be terrible if there was. There should be at least a bare minimum of conditionality on all love - for example, not being violent or intentionally abusive - and for most if not all relationships having more than a bare minimum - e.g. treating your partner with respect and honesty - is normal and healthy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelli Fury Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 I consider myself to date non exclusively and casually until I meet someone I like as more than a temporary amusement, which isn't often. When I do find someone like that and things work out to relationship level, I am monogamous. I just take a lot to enter into a relationship in the first place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arkhangel Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 I suppose the difference is that I would say if you're dating someone you're already in some kind of a relationship with them; if you go from casual dating to serious long-term relationship it's like the difference between periwinkle and royal blue, but they're all shades of the same thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Littlefingers In The Air Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 I need to slow it down. I haven't had a day without a date since I got back to Akron from New Orleans and only once has it been with the same lady. Also have dates Thursday and Saturday so today and tomorrow are the first days I'll have none. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prince Alexander Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Of course there was never such a thing, and it would be terrible if there was. There should be at least a bare minimum of conditionality on all love - for example, not being violent or intentionally abusive - and for most if not all relationships having more than a bare minimum - e.g. treating your partner with respect and honesty - is normal and healthy. I'm not saying everyone should unconditionally love murderers and rapists. Falling in love isn't instant, by the time you fall in love, you know what kind of person they are, how they treat you, etc. "I will love you as long as you don't beat me" is, of course not the point here. Yes, people sometimes change in crazy ways (although I would argue that people don't change, sometimes they just hide their bad sides), and one can surely unlove someone in those extreme cases. I do have a problem though, with something like: "I love you, but I won't love you if you don't do as I say." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelli Fury Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 I think you're being uncharacteristically judgmental about that. Nobody is saying "I won't love you if you don't do what I say." It's great for you that those are the terms of a relationship that make you happy. I do not begrudge you that. Those are simply not terms of a relationship that would make me happy, whether I loved the person or not. And while it wouldn't change how I felt about the person, it would be a situation where I was unhappy. I would rather leave to find a relationship where I was happy or be by myself than stay and be unhappy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prince Alexander Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 I think you're being uncharacteristically judgmental about that. Nobody is saying "I won't love you if you don't do what I say." It's great for you that those are the terms of a relationship that make you happy. I do not begrudge you that. Those are simply not terms of a relationship that would make me happy, whether I loved the person or not. And while it wouldn't change how I felt about the person, it would be a situation where I was unhappy. I would rather leave to find a relationship where I was happy or be by myself than stay and be unhappy. Understandable and seems to be the common relationship mindset. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily Valley Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 LITA, Congrats! Do you like any of them particularly? Enjoy the days off and have a great time this weekend. On monogamy: I understand the contractual nature of such an agreement and why people enter into it. Personally, I have found rather than getting the emotional security such an agreement is supposed to give to both partners, I have become an unwilling member of a harem. In addition, the jealousy issues were exacerbated. It also meant giving up aspects of some of my longest relationships (more than 20 years now). To me, a monogamy agreement is a big freekin deal. I would not enter such an agreement with someone unless that person understood that it is an enormous sacrifice on my part; they would have to be willing to make equally large personal sacrifices in order to meet my needs. That said, I do not think that monogamy = love and respect. Love and respect are the lowest bar in any healthy relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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